Because of this guy, now my husband is afraid to go to the bathroom in the airport whilst he travels around the country…sometimes for work, sometimes just because. When we go to the airport next Thursday, our plan is to stop three times on the way out and then hold it until we get to a comfortable cruising altitude.

With that in mind…

• Gentlemen, if you find yourself in a bathroom stall and the person next to you yells out, “Man, I feel like a woman!” Do not immediately assume this person is gay and wants to have sex with you. He may simply be listening to the Shania Twain song on his iPod.
• If you’re in a bathroom stall and someone tries to come in, it is likely they just didn’t see your feet under the door. They probably are not trying to break down the door because they are gay and want to have sex with you.

• Pumping the soap dispenser is not a euphemism for pumping someone else.

I also recommend you print out this Bathroom Stall Foot/Toe-tapping Reference List on a small card, and keep it on your person at all times:

• One tap: Involuntary muscle twitch
• Two taps: Meet me at Starbucks for a latte
• Three taps: Meet me in St. Louis
• Four taps: Meet me in the lavatory on the flight
• Five taps: Dammit, why won’t my foot wake up?
• Six taps: My name is Chris Hansen, from Dateline NBC.

Should anyone knock three times on the ceiling, we all know what that means. Proceed with caution.

Have a good holiday weekend ya’ll.