Well folks, I don’t really know what a Cheetah Girl is, but Miss Sabrina Bryan and her too-hot newcomer partner Mark Ballas were super-fierce last night! Damn you, America’s Next Top Model, why did you have to go and put the word “fierce” into my vocabulary?

As expected, Len, Carrie Ann and Bruno didn’t care for the hip-hop improv towards the end of their dance, but who cares? They had chemistry which reminds me of Julianne Hough & Apollo Anton Ohno - fun and young and powerful right out of the gate. Unless she does something stupid, is it possible for me to pick my favorite on the first night?

I’m-British-But-I-Have-Both-My-Legs Spice also started off strong last night, with perennial great parnter Maksim Chmerovokoskoskischlinowitski. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone that giggly, and all over the place. For some weird reason, I kept expecting her to pop out her best Nenah Cherry with, “Whot is she liiiiiike? Whot’s she like, anyway?”

Also making impressive debuts last night were Marie Osmond, Jane “Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like, Well, a Butterfly” Seymour, and Jennie Garth. As impressive as Jennie was last night (it’s never easy going first), she has been paired this season with the super-creepy Derek Hough (brother to Julianne). As we were watching his super-creepy moves last night, I think CU summed it up best - “His bottom half moves independently of his upper half.” Ick. Whereas I was uncomfortable last season watching him dance with his sister, I realized last night I’m not any more comfortable watching him dance with someone who isn’t related to him. Pass.

Josie Maran…we suspect…took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, meaning to show up in Malibu for The Bachelor but somehow winding up on Dancing With the Stars. She was just terrible…not Kenny Mayne-terrible, mind you (who I guess is still milking his infamy by showing up on Wednesday for the results show), but still not all that great. How good can you feel if Marie Osmond danced better than you? Adiós.

I was sort-of hoping to see Samantha Harris in all of her pregnant glory last night but alas, she gave birth to her daughter over the weekend. No worries though, because I can never complain about Drew Lachey showing up as a surprise guest-host or guest-dancer, or guest-whatever.

Up tonight…the gentlemen. Five words…Mark Cuban, get a shave! Here’s a few more words, because I’m feeling wordy this morning…don’t make Kym Johnson incorporate the Maverick pepper mill/in-ground sprinkler move or whatever the Hell it was you were teasing us with last night into any of her choreography.