Previously on The Amazing Race, Father-of-the-Year Ronald inspired his daughter (and us) with his motivational haranguing, I saw way more of Grampa Underbritches than I ever hoped to (even in my wildest dreams), and married ministers Kate and Pat finished last because from what I’ve heard, that’s what nice girls do.

Nine teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

I told CU I would recap this week’s episode because I came up with the blog post title half way through the ep - once I’ve committed to a title, I really have to follow through.

THIS IS AMSTERDAM. Capital of the Netherlands! Center of the sheep-violating universe! Pit stop for the second leg of the race! Mandatory rest period, eat, drink, sleep, mingle, get treated for a hernia…wha? “Due to exertion while riding his daughter’s ass, Ron developed a hernia and required medical attention during the pit stop.” On the upside, it gave me a new name…thank you, Papa Hernia.

Lorena and Jason depart first at 4:19 AM. Clue rip. Fly to OuagadougouWOO!, a small city in Burkina Faso - a small, developing country in west Africa. I’m sure you all figured out the “small, developing” part when you said, “Burkina where?” in unison with me last evening. Naturally that was after you said, “Burketina’s still around?” After the 3,000-mile journey, they’ll need to take a taxi to This Clue Box. Got it. Jason compares his teammate/girlfriend Lorena to the chick from The Exorcist…hee…Lorena Blair. I swear, this show just hands these things to me - the gods must be feeling generous handing me this dialogue. Seems fair, considering the semester I’ve had.

Jenninate departs second, and Jennifer sneers at Nate while telling the camera that Nate basically begs for her abuse, although she’s working on how surlily (?) she dishes it out. Bimbo and Bimboer depart third explaining that they don’t look as good as they’d like to look, but there is no alternative…except for blush and some mascara, that is. This is funny, considering Kynt & Vyxsin managed to apply their entire compliment of makeup before departing at 5:21 AM. Now granted, their application technique might lend itself to a more rushed environment, but hey…they’re also proof that there is an alternative.

Duuuuuuuude…because TK and Rachel are like, soooooooo relaxed and sooooo Amsterdamed right now, they’re not letting the race get them all wound up. Grampa Underbritches is old, but feels young (I know the feeling) and as such, he’s going to “let it all hang out.” He also wants to show the world what “a guy my age can do.” Cue “Viva Viagra” commercial.

Meanwhile, at the airport we find out there’s only one flight to OuagadougouWOO! a day. There’s an 8 AM flight to Paris and an earlier 7:20 AM flight to Paris which of course, Jenninate finds out about. It has to be them. Can’t be Hank Azaria. I’m not sure what the extra 40 minutes will get them as they’re all on the same connecting flight to OuagadougouWOO! but, whatever.

Papa Hernia is feeling bad for being such a jerk on the last leg…obviously The Amazing Editors saw the cloud of fiery public hatred which mushroomed into the air after the last episode, and decided to try to spin things a bit. While running a montage of his greatest moments, we hear, “We’re right now in our deepest lows. On the last leg, I as a father was not at my finest. I was too harsh and that sort of demoralized Christina. If we’re going to win this race, I have to be more uplifting and not criticize her.” Sort of demoralized her?

Back at the airport…wouldn’t you know…Jenninate gets on the earlier flight and the 8 AM flight is delayed due to mechanical problems, which is Amazing Code for “dramatic plot forward-movement.” The thoughts start spinning around in my head - ohmygodwhathappensifeveryonemissestheonlyflighttoOuagadougouWOO!? I’m not sure why I do that…the last time teams were that far apart was back in the glory days with Mary and Peach. No worries though, everyone makes it to Paris and then it’s on to OuagadougouWOO! I just like writing that - OuagadougouWOO!

In OuagadougouWOO!, all of the teams locate taxis, which inspires clapping and seat belt-fastening. The fantastic thing about this season is we made it to Countries With Unfamiliar Cultures very quickly, meaning Bimbo & Bimboer became this season’s Ugly American Team very quickly, convinced their taxi driver is going to sell them for money. Heh. Jenninate makes it to the train station and the clue box first. Clue rip. “Sell the blondes to locals for money.” Nah, I’m kidding, but that would have been funny. Seriously though, they have to take a train to Bingo! (nice touch with the rah-rah fist in the air, Jennifer) or more specifically, to The Middle of Nowhere (I wish the graphic during the show would have actually said , “Proceed To: Middle of Nowhere” instead of “Bingo”!) and pay attention to the name of the stop because if they don’t and they miss it…well, Phil doesn’t mention what might happen. So in the interest of safety, make sure you get off the train.

Once teams disembark the train, they’ll have to search for their next clue - in the middle of nowhere. I always wonder what really happens on The Amazing Race…you know, the stuff that doesn’t make it onto the show. For example, did all of the teams have issues paying their taxi drivers, or was it just Bimbo & Bimboer? Turns out, our teams have to wait until tomorrow to hop the Last Train to Bingo!ville anyway, so they hang out at the train station all night while Grampa Underbritches talks about The Sisters being hot…and, well, ew. For the love of God, please don’t let everything you said you’d let hang out - well, hang out. Vivaaaaaaaa Viagra.

The next morning, Bimbo & Bimboer get even more obnoxious by making fun of the smell of the country, the clothing of the country, the flies of the country and well, just about everything else. It’s almost like there’s no other alternative but to apply moisturizer to your neck. Hank Azaria fulfilled its contractual obligation by saying that coming to Africa was like coming home. Why doesn’t anyone say that when they’re in the European countries? If we flew into Germany, I’d say it. Funny thing though, no one would air it, because it would probably look like I’m mocking the fact that every African-American team on The Amazing Race says the same thing when they arrive in Africa.

Bingo! Clue rip! Roadblock! Teams must…milk a camel. They need to fill a bowl up to the designated line, and then drink the milk. First thing out of my mouth to CU, “Is that safe?” Listen to me…I sound like one of the blondes. “Be mindful that camels are sensitive to fast movements and loud noises.” I mention this because if one-half of your team is even slightly neurotic or runs even the tiniest of risk that he or she will go ape-shit crazy during the challenge…have him or her take a pass. I’m wise enough to know CU would need to pick up this task. Grampa Underbritches uses his centuries of wisdom to effectively - and efficiently - milk the camel. TK uses the praise approach to milk his camel. Lorena uses the squeak, screech and jump backwards tactic - I would not recommend that one. Bimboer points out the flies and general ick in the milk, while a baby camel is three inches away from her thinking, “Back off then, and leave more for me!”

TK quickly and handily completes the task first, then finds out they need to maneuver four camels across the savannah to “this group of waiting nomads.” Phil points out that they have to follow a marked path, which means at least half the teams will get lost. I’m thinking an African savannah is not the right place to get lost although if you do, you’ll have your CBS cameraman so it should at least make for some good Blair Witch moments. After handing off their camels, the teams will find their next clue.

I’m very glad Christina tackled the camel-milking challenge because, can you imagine how it would have gone down had Papa Hernia done it? I suspect the camel would have done what his daughter hasn’t done yet - kicked him in the groin. We go through an awkward scene of Follow the Lost Leader, while Vyxsin knocks back her camel milk, cementing her and Kynt as Snarkwife’s Favorite Team. Capitalizing it makes it All Official. When the lost teams meander back the way they came, Christina gently points out to her dad that maybe…oh, I don’t know…just maybe he should trust her and listen to her once in awhile. He concedes. Awww.

Things just get uglier over at the camel-milking stations, where Lorena Blair has progressed to the sixth level of insanity, which is full meltdown mode. Bimboer is also getting frustrated and starts yanking on that poor camel…seriously, what the Hell? Okay, let’s sit down for a sec and have a chat. I can tell you right now, as a woman, yelling at me and yanking on my milk-producing parts will not…I repeat…will not get me to perform for you. As a matter of fact, I could safely predict I will kick you somewhere, which will hurt. I would imagine Bimboer, as a fellow woman, would also realize this, but no. Be gentle. Say nice things. Maybe uncork a nice bottle of wine. I’m just sayin’. She could always go talk to Grampa Underbritches…he seems to know the right moves. Vivaaaaaaa Viagra.

TK and Rachel drop off their camels at the next clue box…clue rip. Detour. Teach It or Learn It. Basically, you have to teach a local child ten common words in English, or learn ten common words in the local language. This is funny, because the English words include things like “motorcycle” and “2 GB flash memory card,” while the local words include “thatched-roof hut” and “little boy doing something, I don’t know what, maybe dancing?” Once you learn or they learn, you get the next clue. This is pretty straight forward, with everyone declaring both tasks pretty easy.

Hank Azaria breezes through their lesson on the local language and finishes up first. Clue rip. “Go To Pit Stop: Outskirts of Bingo!” It starts to rain, Bimbo thinks she’s going to die…and poor Lorena Blair is still trying to milk her camel. So sad.

Hank Azaria runs…in the rain…to a drenched Phil. In all of my years of watching The Amazing Race, I don’t think we’ve ever had such a waterlogged pit stop. Hank Azaria…you are team number ONE! Hugs, squeals, and a trip to Bermuda which they can enjoy after the race. Oh wait, they’ve omitted that line. Fantastic. I always thought it was strange, like there’s some sort of opt-out clause in The Amazing Contract that lets them bail early.

Yeah, Lorena Blair’s still milking her cow. One of The Sisters is kind enough to tell her to go find one with a baby (duh) because they’ll likely have more milk flowing (double duh). Finally, Lorena Blair finishes up, Jason tells her he still loves her and they continue on with the race. The rain is still coming down…pretty heavily…and OUT OF NOWHERE four teams emerge and are RUNNING STRAIGHT FOR PHIL! GAH! Look out, Phil! More importantly, LOOK OUT LOCAL LADY WITH A BABY STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK!

Back at the school, Bimbo & Bimboer are trying to teach a local boy the English word for “cowboy,” and the physical interpretation looks an awful lot like Cheryl Burke’s interpretation of “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” on season 2 of Dancing With the Stars. Outfits were about the same, too. At this point though, it’s a race for last place and Bimbo & Bimboer survive to race another leg. They arrive at the pit stop wet and with a boob hanging out of a shirt, but that’s not nearly as distracting as Phil’s hair. Oh my…this is what happens with bad rain happens to good people.

Ultimately, The Sisters arrive last and are eliminated…and they look really pissed off about it. They claim they never caught a break. Mmm hmm. On the upside, Phil’s hair has dried, so I don’t have to worry about any long-term psychological damage on my part.

On the next episode of The Amazing Race…our teams participate in an episode of So You Think You Can Dance Like an Idiot, and Bimbo & Bimboer make a “controversial decision.” I’m dying to know what they did, and I so hope it involves skin care products.