snarkwife

What excru­ci­at­ingly unbe­liev­ably luck that today is Valentine's Day...because now I get to list out:

Thir­teen Love Songs Which Make Me Want to Poke Knives Into My Eyes

Sure, I could go all oogly-​googly and tell you about the love songs I like...but where's the fun in that? You all know that you have a sim­i­lar list some­where in your head...

• "When I'm With You" - Sher­iff: This song was very pop­u­lar my senior year of high school. I remem­ber my boyfriend at the time liked it, and I believe this is the first song which made me want to poke knives into my eyes. Momentous!
• "Amazed" - Lon­es­tar: I really didn't have that much of a prob­lem with this song until every freak­ing chick on my 2001 Wed­dings board at iVil­lage (yeah, yeah...I know...) declared it to be her First Dance song. I couldn't get away from it. After that, my goal was to find the song least likely to be played at anyone else's wed­ding for our first dance.
• "After­noon Delight" - Starlight Vocal Band: Seri­ously? A song about a nooner?
• "Look Away" - Chicago: Ladies, take note: if a man ever says these sorts of things to you, run away...baby, run away. I think it's this sort of male men­tal­ity 20 years ago which yielded all the girly-​boys being raised in Amer­ica today.
• "On Bended Knee" - Boyz II Men: Again, don't beg. I don't care if you don't want Lisa Turtle to leave you...don't beg.
• "Saving All My Love For You" - Whit­ney Hous­ton: The video for this song was great, as La Whit­ney - in all her early 20's glo­ri­ous god­dess­ness - saved all her love for a mar­ried man. Ugh.
• "Roni" - Bobby Brown: Still don't get this one. If anyone wants to explain the truth about Roni to me, I'm all ears. The ears will likely be cov­ered with my hands, but I'm all ears.
• "Let's Wait Awhile" - Janet Jack­son: Let's not. Face it, teenage pre­mar­i­tal sex is a rite of pas­sage. Besides, if you wait, you won't have any good sto­ries to rem­i­nisce about when you're 36.
• "Strong Enough" - Sheryl Crow: Any song which begins, "God, I feel like Hell tonight" is sure to be a winner.
• "Pic­ture" - Sheryl Crow & Kid Rock: Iron­i­cally, this one begins, "Living my life in a slow hell." With all the cheatin' and the drug­gin' and the drinkin'...I oddly feel as though I should be root­ing for this couple, since if I do, maybe they'll be on Wife Swap next season.
• "My, My, My" - Johnny Gill: Er, I think this was a love song.
• "Crim­i­nal" - Fiona Apple: She's been care­less with a del­i­cate man - no doubt, a man who lis­tened to a lot of Chicago when he was a teenager.
• "I Don't Wanna Cry" - Mariah Carey: I do.

I pur­pose­fully left out some all-​time cheesy love songs, because...ahem...I like them.