What excruciatingly unbelievably luck that today is Valentine’s Day…because now I get to list out:

Thirteen Love Songs Which Make Me Want to Poke Knives Into My Eyes

Sure, I could go all oogly-googly and tell you about the love songs I like…but where’s the fun in that? You all know that you have a similar list somewhere in your head…

• “When I’m With You” – Sheriff: This song was very popular my senior year of high school. I remember my boyfriend at the time liked it, and I believe this is the first song which made me want to poke knives into my eyes. Momentous!
• “Amazed” – Lonestar: I really didn’t have that much of a problem with this song until every freaking chick on my 2001 Weddings board at iVillage (yeah, yeah…I know…) declared it to be her First Dance song. I couldn’t get away from it. After that, my goal was to find the song least likely to be played at anyone else’s wedding for our first dance.
• “Afternoon Delight” – Starlight Vocal Band: Seriously? A song about a nooner?
• “Look Away” – Chicago: Ladies, take note: if a man ever says these sorts of things to you, run away…baby, run away. I think it’s this sort of male mentality 20 years ago which yielded all the girly-boys being raised in America today.
• “On Bended Knee” – Boyz II Men: Again, don’t beg. I don’t care if you don’t want Lisa Turtle to leave you…don’t beg.
• “Saving All My Love For You” – Whitney Houston: The video for this song was great, as La Whitney – in all her early 20’s glorious goddessness – saved all her love for a married man. Ugh.
• “Roni” – Bobby Brown: Still don’t get this one. If anyone wants to explain the truth about Roni to me, I’m all ears. The ears will likely be covered with my hands, but I’m all ears.
• “Let’s Wait Awhile” – Janet Jackson: Let’s not. Face it, teenage premarital sex is a rite of passage. Besides, if you wait, you won’t have any good stories to reminisce about when you’re 36.
• “Strong Enough” – Sheryl Crow: Any song which begins, “God, I feel like Hell tonight” is sure to be a winner.
• “Picture” – Sheryl Crow & Kid Rock: Ironically, this one begins, “Living my life in a slow hell.” With all the cheatin’ and the druggin’ and the drinkin’…I oddly feel as though I should be rooting for this couple, since if I do, maybe they’ll be on Wife Swap next season.
• “My, My, My” – Johnny Gill: Er, I think this was a love song.
• “Criminal” – Fiona Apple: She’s been careless with a delicate man – no doubt, a man who listened to a lot of Chicago when he was a teenager.
• “I Don’t Wanna Cry” – Mariah Carey: I do.

I purposefully left out some all-time cheesy love songs, because…ahem…I like them.