I have never liked Graham, and sort of threw up in my mouth a little every time Deanna would say Graham was “smokin’ hot.” If that’s all you’ve got to say about someone, or if that’s all the producers and editors think you’ve got to say about someone…

So here is/was my take on The Bachelorette’s Final Four.  Deanna managed to pick four men who, in my opinion, embody everything women want in a man…only it takes four men to do it:

You have Jesse, the fun guy who is also sensitive and smart and borderline obsessive-compulsive.  This is the guy who will have no problem putting away the dishes, because if you do it and don’t put the lids to the pots and pans on the shelf titled “lids to the pots and pans,” he’ll cut you.  How now, I’m kidding.  With each successive episode of the show, I have begun to like Jesse more and more.  I have a friend who, when he lived here in Dallas, had a big-screen TV which was easily half the size of his living room…so I have a fondness for guys with small apartments and huge TVs.  And then, there are Jesse’s parents. Have you ever seen more…normal people?  And then…he went in for the kiss.  Finally.  It was a good one.  We had to have the tearjerker moment, too…for good measure: Jesse was his parents’ miracle baby, finally conceived after twelve years of trying.  

TEARJERKER RATING: 6

Then…you have Jeremy, the Sensitive Guy with whom you can share everything…and his Family of Gloom and Doom.  Now, I will never claim to know what it’s like to lose one parent, much less two…and I understand that the shared loss is a big bonding thing for Deanna and Jeremy but…is there anything else between the two of them?  That family dinner played like a Debbie Downer sketch: “Jeremy’s a great guy.  He has all the great qualities I’m looking for in a great guy.  He’s really great.”  ”So Deanna, Jeremy told us your mom died, too.”  WOMP WAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Did anyone else get the very distinct feeling (at least from the editing), that Jeremy and/or his entire family compare all other women in their lives to their mom? I shouldn’t say too much.  They’re local, and could probably find out where I live.  

TEARJERKER RATING: 4, because we already know Jeremy’s entire story…and then some.  He got three points for having his bar exam studying all over his wall, as some weirdo objet d’art.

And of course, what respectable Bachelorette isn’t looking for the perfect father for her babies?  That’s why we have Jason who is not from Seattle but is in fact, from the other side of the lake in Kirkland.  Then again, Deanna didn’t know what the Space Needle was (please tell me the producers told her to feign stupidity on that one) so the whole Eastside/Westside fight encircling the Emerald City probably would have been lost on her anyway.  But can I just say…holy crap, is his son not the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?  And is his family not filled with the most wonderful people you’ve ever met?  And were you not crying when Jason was reunited with his son, and then again when he left?  The crying was tempered by some uncomfortable giggles on my part, when Jason and Deanna were talking about wanting three kids.  Um, is that three kids…in addition to his?  Or, three kids total?  Oy, family dynamics these days are so confusing.  

TEARJERKER RATING: 9

But for every three guys with good qualities (despite confrontational siblings), there’s the Guy You Have to Fight With.  You know who he is.  He’s smokin’ hot, but he’s an emotionally unavailable pain in the ass.  You’ve been dating him non-exclusively for two weeks…yet all you seem to do is fight.  Hey, it’s Graham!  But…you really like him.  And maybe, if you “put yourself out there” 100%, that will somehow compensate for the fact that he has only “put himself out there” 12%…and that will even out to something you can realistically work with while you passive-aggressively try to goad him into “putting himself out there” more.  WRONG. I liked his mom, though.  

TEARJERKER FACTOR: 2, and he only gets those points because had I been there, I would have kicked him until he cried.  

Going into the Rose Ceremony, I never thought in a million years that Deanna would send Graham home.  I was so hoping (ask CU, he was there) that Deanna would kick Graham to the curb…but the show was edited in such a way to where I thought, “Oh, God.  Despite the fact that she talks a big game…she’s really like the rest of us and has to work her way through one more asshole before she can make the right decision.”

BUT!  SHE’S NOT! She actually got rid of the emotionally unavailable and immature brat, who pouted and looked away and totally did not react at all to Deanna’s crying pleas…then gave her a goodbye “note,” not entirely unlike one I got from my high school boyfriend when I unloaded him at the end of my senior year.  It probably ends, “I will love you forever, and I’m always here for you.”  Whatever.

I screamed and hooted and hollered though, when I realized Graham was going home.  If you think he’s a catch, you’re wrong…and probably single.  He’s not a catch.  He’s a drama king who needs to get his house in order before he should be allowed into anyone else’s house.  And, that’s not a euphemism.  I dated people like Graham.  They ain’t worth it.

Next week…sexy overnight dates!  And…what’s that?  Jesse wants to ask permission from Deanna’s dad before he stays in any sort of room with her that has the word “fantasy” in it?  I can’t tell yet if that’s refreshing, or disturbing.