You never know when your horoscope will say something along the lines of, “Quit your job, as you will be offered your dream position tomorrow…guaranteed” or, “Buy a lottery ticket today and you will be $386 million dollars richer this time tomorrow…guaranteed.” This is why I read my horoscope every day…because you just never know.

Do I ever get that level of feedback? Oh no, here’s a sample of what my horoscope generally looks like:

You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t lend money to friends. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.

Of course, we all know that horoscopes…much like fortune cookies…aren’t really designed to help you map out your day. Instead, they tell you things you already know such as, “Fortune cookie say eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner means you will eat in the morning, afternoon, and evening.” That sort of thing. So I’m thinking, in the same vein as today’s horoscope, what sort of wisdom could I share with you which really, you already know?

• You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t drink bleach out of Hard Rock Cafe shot glasses. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.
• You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t carry a Samurai sword into an elementary school cafeteria during lunch on a Tuesday. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.
• You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t cut your own hair with a weed eater. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.
• You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t continue to cry over the breakup of Yang and Burke on Grey’s Anatomy. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.

I mean really now, the possibilities are endless. Go on, give it a shot in the comments.