And here I thought I’d have nothing to blog today. I went out to the mailbox this afternoon and lo and behold, this month’s homeowner’s association tabloid had been delivered. Oh boy. Ya’ll know how much I love getting the Desperate Housewife Gazette. Every month there’s some completely useless local business review or other seasonal nonsense, and every month I talk a big game about staging a hostile takeover and throwing our editor/publisher/woman about town out on her Mom jean-covered ass.

This month, on page 3…to the left of a photo of the Yard of the Month and directly above a half-page ad for a mortgage company (yes, really)…we have this:

PURPLE PANSY EATERS!

I planted some great looking pansies last Fall – 12 flats in fact (12 X 18 = 216 flowers). They got big and beautiful with a little water and some miracle grow. I admired them every day when I went out to fetch my mail. Suddenly one day I headed out to the mail box, looked over to admire my flowers and…….half of them were gone! AWOL! Perplexed, because I do not know exactly where the pansies went or what could have possibly happened to them, I do nothing.

The next day as I drive up to my house, there he was…Peter Rabbit! He was happily munching on the remainder of my flowers right in front of me. If you do the math he should have gained substantial weight after eating the blooms from 108 of my purple flowers!!!

Although Peter Rabbit is fuzzy, brown and cute, I am now mad as a hornet over my lost flowers! So I called the City of Allen Animal Control who loaned me a cage and caught Peter Rabbit (who I then relocated in a field some miles away – so his diet of purple pansies has come to an abrupt halt – I imagine he is now enjoying wild sunflowers from the field instead.)

The following day I go out to get the mail and there’s another Peter Rabbit having dinner…..yes on my pansies again! I’ve already returned the City’s cage, so I went down to Home Depot and bought my own in an effort to rid myself of the little Purple Pansy eaters!!

The traps I found at Home Depot were Model #1089 for “RACCOONS” (the smaller trap for squirrels and rabbits from Lowes for $30 weren’t big enough for OUR RABBITS who have been dinning on purple pansies). The cost of the cage is $44.99 and worth every penny!! It’s also collapsible, so you can put the cage away until the next round attacks us! After all Spring is also breeding time for rabbits, so I think they’ll be a new bunch back for the Purple Petunia buffet in my yard later this summer!

First off, I thought this article was incredibly sexist. Why did she assume the pansy muncher was a boy? It could have just as easily been Taylor, Britney, or Morgan Rabbit. Was the rabbit bald, with a goatee and a big, paunchy belly? If so, then I’d suspect it was a male from Texas. Secondly, if something is eaten…can it be considered AWOL? If the pansies had asked permission before being eaten, would that have been a case for an honorable discharge?

Even better, on page 8 we have this:

SAFETY REMINDER!!! Per THE POLICE DEPARTMENT OF ALLEN
Garage Doors Open & Unattended!

It has been reported and sighted that there are homeowners leaving their home garage doors open and unattended. When you allow this to happen, your property is left wide open for CRIME to occur. Please remember to always keep your garage door closed during the day or night if you are not in the garage or outside the door, so you are able to keep a watchful eye on your belongings!

That’s right…keep those garage doors shut or Peter Rabbit will come by and commit CRIME and EAT your vehicles!!!