You know, the day gets away from you and the next thing you know you’re just mere hours away from the first Dancing With the Stars elimination…and you realize you haven’t yet weighed in on the ladies’ performances.  So without further ado…

Last night’s ep started out as a bit if a snoozer, save the elephant actually missing from the room in the form of Samantha Harris’s hair. Merrin believes La Harris is the host in Hell and supposes that in true demon form, her hair will magically reappear next week. I’m equally optimistic, but think it will instead sprout out in the form of a tail.

The Bad:

Kathy Ireland – Good grief, she’s magically atrocious!  I think many a male teenage fantasy was totally destroyed last night.  Gentlemen, when you were looking at her on the pages of Sports Illustrated, did you ever suspect she’d be so…clunky?  Her dancing was bad enough, but then she had to open her mouth and admit that she’d never worn high heels before she started rehearsing for the show.  Horrors! This just proves what I’ve always known…supermodels live in tiny pods like those you’d find in Tokyo, and have handlers who literally carry them around.  Fortunately Tom Bergeron had the presence of mind to try and deflect attention away from her by introducing the band.

Macy Gray – My alternate title for this post was, “I Try to Walk Away and I Stumble”.  I was really hoping I could somehow work that in.  God love her…she did try.  You could tell she’d been practicing with all her might…as awkward as that might was.  I feel so bad for Jonathan Roberts.  He’s such a great dancer and he keeps getting stuck with duds.  Oh well, maybe next season.  Or, maybe she’ll continue on in the same miraculous vein as Master P (or Mister P, as my mom kept calling him) and Cloris Leachman and stick around four episodes longer than she should.  I’d love to see the “2″ and “3″ paddles come back out.

The Good:

Mya – Right out of the gate, she’s good.  I have nothing snarkworthy to say.  I don’t even really have any good Moulin Rouge or Lady Marmalade puns.  It’s the first week though…give me time.

Joanna Krupa – Who?  I know, right?  But hey, she’s pretty good.  I guess she’s a Maxim model.  I bet she’s worn high heels before, too.

Kelly Osbourne – Holy motherf*!ker #$tstorm, Kelly was downright awesome last night.  When showing the pre-performance practice montage, I told Seth (we’re all friends now after five years, I think I can refer to him by his real name) that there was something Disney-esque about her and that if she danced well, it would be truly magical.  When I read that last sentence it sounds sort of stupid but if you watched how she and Louis Van Amstel performed, you’d understand.  I love that Louis finally got a partner that’s worthy of him, as we all remember how wonderful he and Lisa Rinna were in season two.  Her cha cha cha was spectacular, and I think I’m going to be tossing a lot of votes her way.  Plus, Ozzie and Sharon were all verklempt in the audience.  I had tears in my eyes.  LaToya Jackson’s face was melting.  It was a really beautiful moment.

Best moment of the night, though?  A tie between Macy Gray having her busted cherry caught on the live delay, and Cougar-Anne Inaba squeaking out “siiiiiiiiix!” while reacting to said busted cherry.  Ladies and gentlemen, we have this season’s Cloris Leachman.  Godspeed, Ms. Gray.

We also watched The Good Wife last night, with it’s ripped-from-the-headlines plotline involving a high-level politician (Mr. Big becomes Mr. Small) who gets caught doing bad things in the boardroom and the bedroom, and is thrown in jail.  His steely-faced wife decides it’s time to go back to being a lawyer after a 13-year break which included (but was not limited to): cleaning her louse of a husband’s house, washing his clothes, and raising their 13-year old daughter.  Only guess what?  She has to start back out pretty much at the bottom of the chain as a junior associate, competing with Millenials 15 years her junior.

To add insult to injury, her boss is one of those annoying women who gets really, really threatened if someone smarter than them shows up.  You know the type…they like to mentor you and then shut you down with all their might when you start running the risk of rising higher than them.  I really enjoyed the show.  It’s part courtroom drama, part workplace drama, part cougar drama, and part Logan Huntzberger!