~ Hour 2 of the Season Premiere…for Hour 1, click here ~

On the previous hour of The Amazing Race…twelve teams raced Thunder Road, the Japanese showed they’re no longer afraid of The Bomb as long as it’s of the wasabi variety, and I named a team after one of my favorite OPI nail polish colors.  Yay!

Meghan and Cheyne (I so badly want to write Cheyenne…and that is driving me crazy like a wasabi-eating Amazing Racer) were the first to arrive around noon, and are the first to depart around midnight. Clue-rip. Teams have to fly to Ho Chi Min City, Vietnam, and then bus it for two hours to the rural village of Cai Be. Once there, they’ll race to – I don’t know…something Vietnamese – and get their next clue.

In the cab confessional, Meghan lets us in on Cheyne’s secret to success…don’t plan anything! His famous phrase is, “We’ll figure it out when we get there.” You know, there’s a certain synergy to that ideology. As someone who tends to over-plan, I’m well versed in this thing we over-planners like to call “analysis paralysis”.

Justin and Zev leave next, and also have a confession to make…they’re already playing the Aspergers card. Tsk tsk tsk. Shame shame shame. Here, let me wag my index finger at you a little bit. *wag wag wag* They head to a local hotel to get on the Internet, which is the same idea Team RoidRage had. They aren’t going to lollygag, or waste time, or try to “find” each other…because Mr. RoidRage already knows where he is. Want to know where he is? Here. With his biceps. Oh, spoiler alert – they bicker a lot.

Nate and Herb are nice guys, and people seem to like Harlem Globetrotters around the world, so they’re going to use that to their advantage…at the Tokyo Hilton’s business center. They immediately take up with someone who helps them with their flight search, much to the dismay of Mrs. Dr. Phil. “You’re only helping the guys.” “Hey, they’re Globetrotters.” Indeed.

Team OffandOn has known each other for seven years, but they’ve been off more than on during that time. “It’s getting close to figuring out if it’s walk down the aisle, or walk off the plane.” Um gee, you think? Seven years? Let’s give it a couple more…see if Temptation Island gets resurrected and then go from there. Team OMG, Me Too! has decided to keep its gayness a secret, and Canaan decides to not keep his sexual purity a secret. Mika says he likes her for her, not because he wants to have sex with her. Oh, sweetie. You’re so cute.

Yeah, so…the teams who went straight to the airport can’t seem to get tickets on the earliest flight. Mr. Team JungleLove is trying to get tickets, by offering up a really generous deal to the masked ticket agent (not as Zorro-sexy as it sounds)…”How about we buy economy, but sit in business?” I really need to try that the next time I need to get on a full flight.

The Ticket Haves segregate themselves from the Ticket Have Nots, and out of nowhere Mr. Team RoidRage takes Team Royal Flush Blush to task: “I can’t believe they gave those two chicks a Speed Bump. Bastards should have been sent home.” This guy’s a trial lawyer, right? “I can’t believe they gave that shoplifter probation. Bastard should have been sent to the electric chair.” He’s cutthroat, and according to him, that’s what’s going to win his team the race.

The non-pageant winning half of Team JungleLove begs and pleads and somehow they get eight seats on a full flight. I don’t know if they’re in Business class…if they’re being snuck in with the food, or what. But, they’re on the flight. Team Royal Flush Blush prances past the Ticket Haves, pulling their luggage and refusing to answer any questions. “What flight are we on? We’re not on a flight? We’re seeing if we can take a trip…on a rocket ship.”

Faster than you can say “Whatever happened to Celebrity Poker Showdown?” Tiffany is IDd by an astute fellow traveler, and word spreads quickly among the other teams. Sam and Dan now know The Truth, and are nearly busted themselves when Maria and Tiffany think their orange passport holders are adorably gay…or not. They’re falling a little in love with Sam and Dan. Awww.

Our teams land in Vietnam, and the camera lenses immediately fog up because it’s 2 million degrees, 100% humidity, and the middle of monsoon season. Sam and Dan taunt the girls with, “Poker poker poker pokerrrrrrr” as they share a cab from the airport, which I would totally take out of context if I didn’t know that our boys aren’t into our girls.

As the teams drive through the flooded streets of Ho Chi Minh City, I really have to wonder how those cars manage to successfully navigate through the water…when cars here in Dallas totally flood out in like, two inches of water. At the Xemien Tay Bus Station, half of the teams catch the earlier bus and the other half catch the later. Miss America 2004 isn’t happy (“Oh Hell no”) about being on the later bus, and thinks she’s going to be sick.

A sopping wet man boards Bus #2, and Zev is kind enough to give the guy his jacket. That’s just awesome. Would I have done that? Probably not, but only because I likely only have one jacket on this race…and hopefully the guy has one at home. I feel like kind of a heel for saying that until Miss America 2004 one-ups me with, “Zev has his jacket and just gives it to the guy. That was the kindest thing that you could do, and I’m so proud of him.” You’re proud of him? What is he, three? Oh that’s right…ya’ll still think he’s Zev, the Guy With Aspergers. You don’t know that he’s smart. Tsk tsk.

Bus #1 reaches Cai Bei and wouldn’t you know it…the boat dock is closed. One thing I’ve noticed about these first couple of race legs, is that everyone is being kept very close together. The teams aren’t more than about an hour apart from each other at any one time, and they usually meet back up collectively before a challenge. While that will get a little dull later on, for my blogging purposes, it’s rather helpful. Thanks, Amazing producers!

While having dinner, Garrett says he totally thinks about marriage with Jessica (note he doesn’t say “marrying”…because that would be an active verb, requiring action on his part) because she’s “Loyal, loving, very caring…she’s a reallly good person.” Mazel tov, buddy. Now tell me about why you haven’t married her yet. Let me hear those adjectives. Mr. Team RoidRage doesn’t “get how the culture works down here.” His shoes are wet, his socks are wet, his feet are wet, and he doesn’t see himself getting a summer home in Vietnam. Dude, that isn’t culture…that’s called weather.

Morning! Dock opens! Clue-rip! Teams must race through the Mekong Delta to a series of mudpits, then collect mud to fertilize fruit trees. This isn’t just any old mud though, this is mud that rivals the consistency of wet concrete. Team Royal Flush Blush hits the Speed Bump, which consists of finding a soup stand and ordering the ingredients to make pho (which isn’t pronounced phoh, but phuh; however, Phil pronounces it phah). On a related note…does anyone know a good pho restaurant in Dallas? We’re also looking for any Japanese places that make a mean ramen. kthx. This challenge is a piece of rice cake for Maria, which is good since she totally bongled that wasabi challenge in the previous leg.

Race, race, race. The mud pits are just a big, messy disaster. Our teams slip and trip and fall and sink, and locals stand around and point and snicker and laugh. It’s delightful to watch. It was even more delightful to see Miss America 2004’s thong shot. Nah, it really wasn’t. Team PinkyBrain is used to hard work on the farm, so they just dig in and make things happen. Meghan and Cheyne finish and, you know, I’m really starting to love these two crazy kids. Clue-rip. Return the boat to the boat dock, then head on over to the Cai Bei Fields. Cue video of muddy white ducks. Oh boy. High-fives.

More mudslinging, more mockery. For as much as I’m really not getting a “warm fuzzy” from them, Team Royal Flush Blush is doing a good job of staying in the game. After a fiasco involving lost clues for both Team Purity and Zev & Justin, things get back on track for them…just as Meghan and Cheyne arrive at the Cai Bei Fields.

Clue-rip! Roadblock! Who’s feeling just ducky? Probably Jon Cryer, after his recent Emmy win! Now, while I think it would have been great fun to have had our teams corral 150 Duckies, due to logistical constraints our teams will instead corral 150 actual ducks. If teams don’t complete the obstacle course within 10 minutes, they relinquish their turn and then have to wait to do it again.

Who has more trouble? Jessica…although I’m thinking that had more to do with Garrett yelling at her than anything else. Brian’s trying to keep Miss America 2004 calm, but isn’t doing that great of a job. She was all ooey gooey sweet with the ducks, and then starts cussing them out…which really, isn’t motivational no matter what your species is. I can only imagine what “quack” really translates to in Duckese.

Team OMG Me Too!! finishes first. Clue-rip. Make your way on foot to the Bassac III riverboat, the pit stop for this leg of the race. Last one to check in…well, we know there’s going to be an elimination this time.

There’s that thong again. I was going to write that it should become this season’s Amazing Accessory (longtime readers, remember the Burberry visor? Mirna’s whistle?), but technically I don’t think a thong can be considered an accessory. We’ll throw that out to the judges for a ruling. Check back next week. Team Royal Flush Blush thinks this task will be easy, because Tiffany had ducks growing up. Yeah, but did you have a hundred and fifty hungry ducks?

The great thing about this challenge is that it totally shows that what Cesar Millan preaches all the time is true…you have to be calm and assertive to be the pack leader. Look at which teams rather easily complete this rather daunting task…Teams PinkyBrain, NailRady, OMG Me Too!, and JustinZev. Justin goes so far as to anoint Zev the “Duck Whisperer”. Calm and assertive, people. Works for kids, works for dogs, works for ducks.

Canaan’s all in a tizzy…”God, I want to rip her head off right now.” Well now, that would just be absurd. How is she supposed to herd ducks if she doesn’t have a head? Silly Canaan. Sam and Dan are experiencing a power struggle, as evidenced by the cavalier use of the word “moron”. This struggle gives Team PinkyBrain just enough of a window to slip in and steal the #1 spot away. Phil. Mat. Gary and Matt…you’re team #1! As the winners of this leg of the race, each one of them was given a kayak because…well…look at ‘em. A spa vacation in Turks and Caicos wouldn’t have made any sense.

More teams check in, and it becomes a foot race for last place. Who will be eliminated…Team Miss America (F*ck Yeah!) or Team OnandOff? Luckily it was Team OnandOff, because I just fell in love with Brian and Ericka’s brand spankin’ new team name. These things have to come about organically, you know. I can throw team names out there and see if they’ll stick, but they don’t stick until they do. Like that?  Yes, I do management consulting. Drop me a line in the comments if you’re interested in contracting my management, social media, and marketing services.

Sorry…got sidetracked. Garrett and Jessica are visibly non-emotional about the whole elimination thing, and he isn’t sure if they’ll ever get married. But then he goes and proposes to her (3:30) and we discover that he even brought the ring with him on the Race. Dude, you need to give Katy Perry a call for a debriefing on the words hot and cold. Jeepers.

Next week on The Amazing Race…Mr. Team RoidRage channels his inner Geek Squad team member, and Garrett changes his mind about marrying Jessica. I’m joking. Good luck kids, and if you ever need any marital advice…let me know. I’ve been married a little longer than you two have been on and/or off.