~As an aside, I haven’t blogged eps of The Amazing Race in some time. Why haven’t I been blogging? The answer is simple…the show had gotten stale, the teams pretty darn boring, and I didn’t really feel like I had anything to contribute. Last night though, things changed. I watched an ep that was so fresh and so exciting…it reinvigorated me…blah blah blah.~

Panoramic shot of Los Angeles. Phil VOs: “It’s early morning in downtown Los Angeles and the temperature is rising fast in the movie capital of the world.” Cut to the Los Angeles River. “This is the Los Angeles River, an iconic setting that’s been used as a location for stunts and movies such as Grease and Terminator 2.” As we watch two police cars race down the river and swerve, lights a-flashing, I’m thinking this would have been a great opportunity for CBS to tie in the beginning five minutes of any new NCIS: Los Angeles episode. Nah…the Emmy-award winning The Amazing Race is too cool to whore itself out to the network or blatant product placement.

Our twelve teams are on their way to the Los Angeles River in buses likely driven by Sandra Bullock, and because I think every reality show should have an element of The Bachelor embedded in it, I do believe these teams should have arrived via limo to greet Phil.

Our teams are:

Brian & Ericka – She was Miss America in 2004 (cut to weepy acceptance and Miss Congeniality waving). He’s white.

Lance & Keri – He’s a trial attorney, and she’s the future Mrs. RoidRage.

Maria & Tiffany – Professional poker playas, and I swear I have seen Tiffany somewhere before. They “like to win”. Really, Amazing producers? That’s all you’ve got?

Zev & Justin – Friends, and Zev’s the one with Asperger’s. He’s a snarky smart-ass right off the bat, so I like him. Take that, Luke!

Mika & Canaan – “Newly dating”, and contenders for most the popular pair of names for your German Shepherds. They’re Christ-following country singers/songwriters. And, they hope they can pray about winning. Awesome.

Flight Time & Big Easy – Harlem Globetrotters and, I think, names of iPhone apps. Their American nail salon names are Herb and Nate, which I think I like better.

Sam & Dan – Brothers from Missouri who came out of the closet to each other at the exact same time. “I’m gay.” “OMG, me too!”

Gary & Matt – Father & son team from Montana. Gary quips, “This race is important, because there are so many great years that we miss out on sometimes because we’re running so fast” and I’m thinking…dude, you must be running really fast to miss out on years. But then they cut to him on his slowpokey tractor and then I think um, well, maybe not so much.

Eric & Lisa – Married yoga teachers. Married to each other. They’re like “Yoga in the hood.” Numero frickin’ uno.

Garrett & Jessica – Dating “on and off”. I love couples like this, because it’s usually more off than on. He grew up with a brother, so he never had to deal with “female drama”. Did he not have a mom, or go to a coed school? She comes from a Colombian family, of which female drama is usually the cornerstone. They aren’t smiling. That can’t be good.

Marcy & Ron – The dating Baby Boomers. Marcy looks like Mrs. Dr. Phil. She’d never dated a bald guy before. I said something rather off-color to Seth in response to that, but I just don’t have the guts to write it here.

Meghan & Cheyne – Elementary school tetherball foes, and dating. She knows he’s going to marry her, and she “thinks” he knows the same thing. Hate to break it to you Megs, but I’m thinking Cheyne is going to wind up on Dancing With the Stars next season.

Phil greets our teams and psychs them up with promises of the adventure of a lifetime, including every possible obstacle and many unexpected surprises. Their first clue is an envelope on top of their gear, so ON YOUR MARK…GET SET…wait? What?

Clearly CBS, Jerry, Phil, et al. read my unbelievably boring season premiere recaps from yesteryear, and decided that just sending everyone straight to the airport from the start line is so 2006. This season, the first challenge takes place before the race even really begins. And, the losing team will immediately be eliminated. That’s right. After all of this…one team won’t even get out of the LA River. Wow. Sounds like they’ve been watching The Bachelor, too. We’ll call this the Worst Impression Rose. If you can’t figure out how not to come in last before the 13-hour flight, then you might as well just go home.

And with that, Cha Cha DiGregorio raises her scarf above her head, puffs out her chest, and says “GO!”

We’re off…running, running, running…and no immediate falls or tumbles. Clue-rip. Fly to Tokyo. But first, search the wall of “over a thousand” license plates for one of only 11 from the Shinigawa District, which is the first destination. The Amazing clue-writers have even made it easy for our teams…providing the symbol for Shinigawa at the top of the clue. Savvy Racers though, will immediately run to the wall and look for the word “Shinigawa”. Once teams find the plate, they’ll receive a ticket on one of two flights (American! United!). The last team will get nothing and will be the first team ever to be eliminated at the starting line.

I thought this switch-up was brilliant, and a fresh move for the show. I get SO SICK of watching all of the airport bullshit while the teams try to find the best flights, jockey for initial position, etc. This solves that problem by putting the first teams on the earlier flight, the later teams on the later flight, and the losing team on its way home. Badda boom, badda bing.

Chaos ensues. Teams start grabbing any license plate that looks like it might have Japanese lettering on it, and Phil has to say, “That is not correct” about eleventy billion times. Teams eventually start catching on…and it’s a race to the Loser’s Lounge for Teams Yogalicious and RoidRage. The camera pans down to Phil’s holding of a United plane ticket jacket. Just so you don’t forget. Our flight sponsors for this leg are American and…dammit, what was the other one? Mr. Team RoidRage grabs the last plate and runs back towards Phil barking, “THAT’S RIGHT, THAT’S RIGHT, COME ON BABY, YOU KNOW IT’S IT.” I think Phil was a little pained to have to tell this over-testosteroned himbo the plate was correct.

With that, Team Yogalicious is eliminated from the race within moments of actually coming up with a team name. I’m still befuddled though, by Eric’s parting comment: “If you’re the first team to be eliminated, now, the shame and the pain is gone…for everybody else. Though we took a beating for everybody…” Lisa concludes with, “We set them free.” Huh? I’m almost sad they’re gone, since I suspect this season would have been filled with yogalicious tip after tip on how to deal with life the Eric & Lisa Way. /pose

En route to LAX, we get to know the teams a little bit better. Team RoidRage starts pinning responsibility on each other for their initial challenge failings, and I start to get the feeling I don’t like Mrs. Dr. Phil. Cue Harlem Globetrotters music. Nate & Herb work the crowd, asking everyone what they do for a living and Team Royal Flush Blush (one of my favorite OPI nail colors, by the by) responds with a lie. You see, they’re poker players…and this is called a bluff. They don’t want anyone to know they’re professional poker players and make a lot of money because then…dot dot dot…no one will want to help them. This confused me because a lot of professional poker players make no money whatsoever, and I wouldn’t have immediately connected “pro poker player” and “deliciously wealthy” with a straight line. Maybe a dotted one, but definitely not straight.

Speaking of definitely not straight, once in Tokyo Team Royal Flush Blush decides Sam & Dan are “hot” and starts flirting with them. Oh, I can’t wait to see how that all plays out. Mika & Canaan are slightly embarrassed their taxi driver is illegally driving on the shoulder to get them around the other cars, yet they say nothing. I have to think that speaking up about violating Man’s Law is something that Jesus Would Most Definitely Do. I could be wrong though, given the fact that a million dollars is involved. Yeah, I love the Christ-oriented teams…because I get to point out everything they do that isn’t very Christian-like. For example, Canaan says, “Dear God” and I don’t see him either with a pen in his hand or with his hands clasped looking towards the roof of the car.

Once at Tokyo Tower Studios, we find our teams are going to be on a Japanese game show. Woot! Sushi Roulette! Japanese game show studio audiences are caaaaraaaaaazy. Once all of the teams have assembled, our host asks, “Are you experienced?” Kidding. He asks, “Are you ready to pray…the Sushi Roulette?” I yelled, “Mika and Canaan are!” and then realized he was saying “play” and not “pray”.

Our esteemed host will spin the Sushi Roulette wheel, which has nine pieces of sushi…and two wasabi bombs. The contestants will eat whatever lands in front of them. If you get a wasabi bomb, you have two minutes to eat it…or you lose your turn and start over. Once done with the sushi bomb, you’ll get your next clue and continue on.

For the uninitiated, here’s a fun Urban Dictionary definition of wasabi: A condiment, Japanese in origin, that’s popular in the United States. Once ingested, it’s pure hell for all of five seconds.

Right after you take a good hit of wasabi, your nose will burn as if you just belched after gulping down a mustard gas soda pop, your eyes will feel like they got sprayed with ammonia, you will become unable to breathe because you don’t want to dessicate your lungs into massive pulmonary scar tissue, and this nightmare of physical torture will compound itself on a cosmic scale until you are about to crumple into tearful, humiliating, submissive defeat for foolishly defying the terrible power of the wasabi gods, and then it’s overwith. Then you’re ready for some more.

I could have done this challenge, although I would have asked for a little soy sauce. The next twenty minutes of the ep is basically watching everyone eat sushi and suffer through wasabi bombs, but the Japanese game show graphical elements scattered throughout the game were great. Mr. Dr. Mrs. Phil and Cheyne are the first to tackle their wasabi bombs. Cheyne finishes up first. Clue-rip. Teams have to take their colored flag, match it up with the colored visors of audience members, and then guide everyone through streets of Tokyo.  They’ll proceed through the famed Shibuya “scramble” crossing, and then to the Konno Hachimangu Shrine. This shrine is the pit stop of this leg of the race, and the last team to show up may be eliminated.

The Hopefully Not Future Mr. Dr. Mrs. Phil also finishes up, and both teams gather their audience members to make the trek through Tokyo. Garrett and Justin are next to tackle their wasabi bombs, which I am now thinking needs to be a euphamism for…something. Meghan & Cheyne decide to try to find someone to help them figure out where they need to go (By shouting “English?” which really, was a great idea), while Mrs. Dr. Phil decides it’s time to rally her troops and engage in a little useless chanting and miscellaneous team-building. Even worse, she’s gotten a harmonica from somewhere (please…someone, take that away from her now). Why they’re doing this and not trying to, oh I don’t know, get to point B is beyond me. Mrs. Dr. Phil explains, “Some people might perceive me as being frantic, but really, you know, I’m in my body and having a lot of good time.” Her hapless teammate does not seem amused.

Back at Wasabi Challenge, Justin handily defeats his wasabi bomb and Zev, ever the good friend and snarkster, calls him a “fat cow”. Loving Zev. LOVING him. Garrett finishes, and…I think that’s the last time you see Jessica smile for the rest of the show.

The wasabi bomb lands in front of Team Royal Flush Blush. Maria…eat tha wasabbbbbbbbi! Or not. It’s up to you. But if you don’t, you’ll have to do it again – and again – and again – until you finish. Meanwhile, Cheyne has found someone to lead the way…and Mrs. Dr. Phil is once again not being frantic, but being just plain annoying. Her hapless teammate tries to redirect her attention by pointing at the shiny, sparkly MAP. Justin finds what looks to be an American to help Team JustinZev and their game show entourage, and I swear we saw that guy on House Hunters over the weekend…no joke…buying a condo in Tokyo. Hmm. Are HGTV and CBS owned by the same parent company?

Maria’s still working her wasabi bomb and finishes…just after the time ran out. Oh, so sad. We will pray for you next time. Or play for you. Spin the wasabi wheeeeeel! And damn if the sumbitch wasabi bomb doesn’t land smack in front of Maria again. Seriously girlfriend, down it. You went to college, I’m sure. Git ‘er done. Tiffany, ever the supportive teammate, provides that extra little bit of encouragement with, “I was really kind of worried at that point, ’cause I see how painful it is once…there’s no possible way that she can suck it up enough to do it again.” Rah rah rah!

I remember back when Seth and I got married, people told us that if we did nothing else during our reception…we should stop and take a look around at what’s going on. Enjoy the moment. Savor it. Take the time, so you can lock away the memory. I always think teams on The Amazing Race need to do that. Yeah, it’s a race…but if you’re out in front, why the Hell not stop? Meghan and Cheyne do just that, in the center of the scramble. I loved it. Mrs. Dr. Phil is two miles away from the shrine. Dear God.

Finally…Maria finishes her wasabi bomb. Finally. Cut to the shrine. Phil. Mat. Meghan and Cheyne…you are team number ONE! Jumping! Yelling! A trip for two to both Aspen and Vail. Nice! Loving those two so far. Zev & Justin arrive second. They’re proud of each other. Justin asks if they should make out. You know what? I’m kind of loving him, too.  I think I’d make out with Justin.

I could go on and on and on about the rest of the wasabi bomb challenge…but even I’m starting to bore of it after watching a second time. Here’s all you need to know…Miss America 2004 is one mean-ass bitch. Oh. My. God. She was rather hyper, but still supportive…until it looked like her husband wasn’t going to finish his wasabi bomb. Then…she sprouted fangs and a tail and went all psycho yelling, “YOU’VE GOT THIS! OPENYOURMOUTH! OPENYOURMOUTH! OPENYOURMOUTH!” Sadly, the poor guy didn’t make the time cut-off, so he had to wait for another turn on the wasabi-go-round. She behaved pretty much the same way the second attempt, and I’m pretty sure he was weighing the level of pain involved with just downing a big blob of wasabi against the pain involved with listening to his wife yell at him for yet another two minutes. At least with the wasabi, the pain goes away relatively quickly. He finishes at the bell, and now everyone is headed for the shrine.

But alas, not all is well. One of Garrett and Jessica’s entourage has to go to the bathroom, so they have to make a different kind of pit stop. Team Royal Flush Blush has misplaced a couple members of its entourage, and the ladies start sniping at each other again. Mika & Canaan make it to the pit stop, but are short one person so they head back out in search of their straggler. Their straggler is quickly located, and Canaan carries her to the pit stop.  Nice touch.  They are team number ten.

Team Royal Flush Blush arrives last, having given up long ago on arriving with its group fully intact.  In a first for The Amazing Race, the last team shows up to the cheers and support of all of the other teams…and the entire game show audience. Wow. That would have really been embarrassing had this been an elimination leg, but it is not because…well…that would have been brutal considering we got rid of a team at the beginning of the leg. The poker players are spared for now, but are stuck with a two-hour penalty for not being able to count and will have to endure the dreaded SPEED BUMP at some point in the next leg.

Good grief. That was just the first hour. <del>Stay tuned</del> Click here for my recap of the second hour!