Good morning!  I have to make this quick since Capt. UberHusband has to take his laptop with him today which will render me…well, laptopless. A significantly more descriptive post of all the glory that is Stephen Colbert will follow in the next couple of days. We watched the show online this morning and sure enough, you can see us as Colbert is running to the other side of the studio for his interview with special guest Paul Simon. I’m in the white sweater, jumping up and down like a dork and CU is next to me, somewhat more controlled.

In a nutshell…The Colbert Show taping was AWESOME. I hate the word “awesome” because it is so woefully overused for people, places, and events which frankly aren’t really all that awesome. But the word is 100% appropriate for our experience last night. Now, after standing outside for two hours in sub-freezing temperatures I wasn’t yelling “AWESOME!” but once we made it into the studio and my toes started to thaw…yeah, “awesome” does the trick.

Stephen Colbert fielded a question from me during the pre-show meet ‘n greet. He is as perfect and dreamy in real life as he is on the show. At one point, Paul Simon walked about a foot in front of me. A foot. Speaking of feet, he’s shorter in real life. Once the taping completed, the studio audience was treated to a duet between the two of “Sounds of Silence.” Very cool. I told CU about a dozen times how fortunate we were that we had an amazing guest on the show and not some unknown yahoo who just released a book but has no sense of humor. Those guests are the worst.

Anyhoo, CU is commandeering the laptop so I will sign off for now. On today’s agenda…hopefully…Bloomingdale’s, Bendel’s, Serendipity, and…if I can swing it, perhaps a discounted matinee to Speed the Plow. I’m always so ambitious first thing in the morning. We’ll see what I can actually swing.

“It’s great to meet you too, Bobby Flay. And, I am honored and humbled by your request for a spaghetti sauce throwdown.”

I mentally rehearsed that line in my head all yesterday afternoon, just in case I happened to meet B-Flay himself last night at dinner.  Alas, we had to make do with a waiter who kind of looked like him.  Dinner was awesome. We practically shut the place down…it was nearly empty when we poured ourselves out around 10:45 PM.  If you can believe it, we didn’t get a single picture. But I swear, we did eat there.

So, New York has officially attained Most Favored City status for me.  As a matter of fact, it is so wonderful that I’ve spent all morning in my hotel room because the last two days have literally kicked my ass, to the point where I will likely need another week to recover once we get back to Dallas.

Having said that…what else did we do yesterday?

After I finished up yesterday’s blog post, I began my Grand Walking Tour.  I took 54th over to Sixth, then walked down to 49th so I could take in the wonder of Rockefeller Center and Rockefeller Plaza.  The tree’s up and everything. From what I understand, they’re putting the star on today…so hopefully I’ll get to see that when I head back over early this afternoon.  Plus, I saw a fantastic-looking wine shop I wanted to poke around in a bit.

(more…)

That’s What She Said, That’s What She Said, That’s What She Said!

Originally uploaded by snarkwife

Alternate title: We’ve seen everything good. We’ve seen the whole city! We went to a museum, we saw priceless works of art! We ate pancreas!

Capt. UberHusband is off to his conference team rah-rah meeting, so I have been left to my own devices for a few hours. First item on my agenda? Starbucks, of course. Sorry, Dunkin Donuts…I don’t really run on you. Maybe tomorrow I’ll walk out of the hotel, turn left instead of right and go visit Dunkin Donuts. We’ll see.

Anyhoo, holy schmoley…what a day we had yesterday. Being Sunday things got going a little later, but that gave us some time to hang out in the room, admire the view, and watch Open House NY. Fun show…made us feel very poor, not to mention shabbily dressed. Although the homes they featured were indeed beautiful…I did get rather queasy seeing homes about the size of ours selling for eight times as much. {gulp}

After that, we headed over to the Museum of Modern Art to view aforementioned priceless works of art. We also took the obligatory photo in front of Andy Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans, observed the rather distressing works of Jackson Pollock, and admired more modernly provocative art…like a gray flannel suit hanging on a wall. Yeah.

After getting our fill of culture for the day, we headed up to Central Park and walked around for a bit. Me being me, I kept looking for a dead body. Sorry…like I keep saying…I watch a lot of Law & Order and again, it’s also generally some unsuspecting Boy Scout in pursuit of his Urban Mountaineering badge who stumbles across a naked woman buried beneath some leaves. But alas, there was to be nothing like that for us. Good thing, because it probably would have spooked the throngs of other walkers and ice skaters. Then again, maybe not. Manhattanites, you know.

(more…)

Well, we’ve made it into Manhattan. I’ve always had a fear of New York City - rational or not - and I blame the Law & Order television franchise for that. After all, it always seemed like at least once a season some tourist newbie would be marvelling at all the city has to offer…and the next thing you knew, they were mowed down in the middle of the street by a “late model blue car”. Plus, Carrie Bradshaw was mugged for her Manolos, if I do recall.

But come on…I’m a grown-up now and it’s time to don my big girl panties and brave the Big Apple, right?

Originally we had reservations at the Waldorf Astoria but a couple of days ago, CU switched us to The London. On the way into the city, we hear over the radio in the car that there was a shooting at the Waldorf Astoria. Really? Dodged that bullet, literally.

So now we’re waiting for the storm to pass (and boy, the folks around here get all twitchy with their tornado watches…amateurs) and then we’ll venture out for dinner. Once we figure out where to go.

Like the new digs? I need to email the designer as to why the widgets in the sidebar aren’t displaying quite right (i.e., below all of that non-widgety nonsense I don’t want), so yes…I know it looks a little odd. Hopefully that will be worked out quickly!

Capt. UberHusband and I are off to the home of non-Pace picante sauce, so he can participate in a conference and I can wander around asking people if they know where Chuck, Blair, and Serena hang out. I was also going to head over to Rockefeller Center and shock Today show anchors by pulling up my shirt. I was even thinking of rigging up a sign and taking it with me on Tuesday…maybe something that says, “Today’s my 37th birthday and my husband ditched me! HI MOM.”

Anyhoo, once we’re back from the Big Apple and I have nearly a full three weeks of rejuvenation under my belt…it might be time to get back to blogging. For real. After all, there’s really only so much puppy cam, The Waltons, and Little House on the Prairie that I can realistically be expected to watch.

But, now I must go get in the shower and break the news to Cookie and Daisy that they’re going to doggie jail for a week. That should be fun.

I just noticed the text displays differently in Firefox than it does in IE or Safari…it’s bold, and not nearly as pretty.  For me, anyway.  Anyone else notice that?

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

You should spend at least some of your day today trying to stimulate your mind with innovative ideas or new philosophical concepts. You might get confused and even a little bit frustrated, but you will also learn a lot — and that is what is important. That is what creates new paths for you to pursue in your life. Stop by a modern art museum, go to an arty foreign film, or just listen to a radio station you’ve never heard before. Be open to new ideas — it’s the best way to improve yourself.

I watched The Jerk today…for the first time. Does that count?

So, Capt. UberHusband and I went and voted this morning. We spent ten minutes walking to our local elementary school/polling location (beautiful, sunny day here…by the by), and exactly zero seconds in line. I swear, it took longer for me to brush my teeth this morning than it did to vote. I kind of feel bad for those early voters here in Texas who stood in line for an hour last week, figuring lines would be six hours long today. Oh well.

Like the sign? Our next-door neighbor was womanning the Democractic Party table outside the school and her blood definitely runs blue, not that there’s anything wrong with that. What I did find funny though, was her saying she’d been called a “nemesis” already this morning…and then following it up with a snide comment about being surprised the naysayer was able to come up with a word that big. If someone says something snarky to you and you say something snarky about that person, doesn’t one pretty much cancel the other out? Anyhoo, she gave us a “gift” for voting and I immediately came home, modified it, took a picture with it, then stuck it in our yard. Go me.

And remember, whatever the outcome…keep it together and don’t be an ass tomorrow. After all, none of us knows what the next four years could bring. I went and dug through the 2004 Snarkives and found my post from the last presidential election. It’s slightly unsettling to see how we thought we might actually be moving to Seattle. It’s even more unsettling to see we theoretically could have been moving back here from Seattle about now…well, had CU not unexpectedly been deployed to Iraq. Like I said, you never know.

With that, I’m off to get my free coffee at Starbucks, and then I think I’ll do some schoolwork. On tap for later on…guacamole and champagne. Hey, any excuse to bring out the bubbly.

As a side note, if you live in Collin County…don’t vote for Kenneth Maun for tax assessor. I mean…seriously, if you want change…change the name of the person you have to make your car registration payment check out to every year. 10 iterations are enough for me, thank you very much.

This week in Consumer Behavior we discussed customer privacy, and whether or not we feel privacy policies go too far or not far enough (both from a consumer’s and manager’s perspective).  Rather than paraphrase, I’ll just copy and paste a snippet of my response:

I’ve always found the battleground topic of customer privacy to be very interesting, because in my experience…people are generally inconsistent with their beliefs. Consumers demand that their personal information submitted online to retailers not be shared with third-party vendors (to avoid the dreaded flood of email spam), yet these same individuals are completely willing to share all but the most intimate of details online via blogs, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, or a host of other social networking sites.

I’ve sat next to people in doctor’s offices who hand out their credit card numbers over their cell phone, completely oblivious to the fact that people might be listening in. People who live in my neighborhood proudly display signs in their front yard indicating Caitlyn and Austin are in cheerleading or football at the local high school, probably not even considering how easy it would be to find out the last name of the home’s owner and do who-knows-what.

With that, I started thinking about Facebook pages and how I know what my “friends” are interested in - to a startling degree in some cases.  Privacy doesn’t really come into play when you’re talking about television shows you like, or brands of soda you enjoy.  Unless you’re weird.

But, while we’re so openly sharing…wouldn’t it be great if you knew what your Best Facebook Friends Forever were truly fans of? I mean, sure I’m a fan of red wine, and Freebirds, and How I Met Your Mother…but wouldn’t you rather read “Snarkwife is a fan of ending sentences with prepositions” in your live feed?

How about…

• Jane Doe is a fan of unemployment.
• John Doe is a fan of passive-aggressive behavior.
• Judy Doe is a fan of parking so crookedly in parking spots that others can’t park in the adjacent spots.
• Jim Doe is a fan of calling in sick to work on Fridays and/or Mondays.
• Jane Doe is a fan of pouring the last cup of coffee at work, and not making a new pot.

And so on, and so forth. I mean really, the options are limitless.

I’ll be back later on with a more comprehensive post, but in the meantime…

Rumors of His Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated: Jeffrey Dean Morgan AKA Grey’s Anatomy’s Denny Duquette, will be back at Seattle Grace just in time for November sweeps. Told you…they’re stuck in a loop. In a loop. In a loop. Not only are they stuck in a loop, but like me they apparently have a soft spot for Season Two. Cue Snow Patrol and Addison’s salmon scrubs.

Is It Too Late To Get a Winfrey/Kindle ‘08 Sign For My Yard? Oprah Winfrey has declared the Amazon Kindle her “new favorite thing in the world.” In response, crazy McCain supporter Ashley Todd commented, “No! I meant the B was for Barnes & Noble!”

Hey Gaydyyyyyyyyy! Jerry Lewis is making all kinds of friends in Australia by implying cricket is a game for the allegedly limp of wrist. Want to know why he’s down under? He’s promoting his latest stage show, which is “a retrospective of his career that includes show tunes with a 24-piece band.” You read that right. Stage show. Show tunes. 24-piece band. I’d mention something about pot and a kettle and the word black, but I don’t need Australia’s Network Ten people distributing this blog post worldwide.

Okilie Dokilie: Ned Flanders from The Simpsons is alive and well, living in Ennis, TX and admonishing Wal-Mart for selling a “naughty nun” Halloween costume. What else could they do? All of the “naughty Ned Flanders” costumes sold out a week ago. Hey, you all remember that episode.

I think the writers on Grey’s Anatomy are writing themselves into a loop. Yes, I’m talking to you Shonda…and I’m talking to you too, Jenna Bans. Because…you know…they read this blog and all.

I roll my eyes now whenever I hear that our McResidents are going to participate in a “once in a lifetime” procedure because really, don’t they do that pretty much every season? How about delivering quintuplets, all of whom have something wrong because, well, they’re quints? What about removing a steel rod skewer from two people? How about heart surgery on a violin virtuoso? See? Happens all the time.

But last night’s procedure du jour was different because it was a domino transplant procedure! If we have just one person who decides to back out…that’s right! None of the dominoes fall and people die!

As fate would have it, we have donors there under less than ideal circumstances. One hates his absentee father but is looking forward to the “early $10,000 Christmas gift” Dad is giving him. Pay no attention to the fact that it’s October or that the recipient is hostile (note to self: first item for Snarkwife’s Holiday Shopping Guide…a kidney).

The other donor is giving one of her kidneys to her married boyfriend. She thinks this will force him to choose between her and his wife. Yeah, that goes about as well as you’d expect. God, can you imagine the holidays after that? “What’s with this ugly sweater? I gave you a kidney and this is all I get?” Sorry sweetie, he just isn’t that into you.

And Lexie…Lexipedia. I could kick her. George isn’t a jerk. He just isn’t that into you…actually, he isn’t into you at all. And food for thought…most men in their late 20s/early 30s aren’t really that into balloon bouquets and locker decorations, either.

And Erica…Callie just isn’t that into…oh wait, maybe she kinda is. I don’t know though, I’m just not feeling the connection between those two. Maybe Bailey’s weird geography metaphors killed it for me, or perhaps I’m more interested in the Sloan Procedure.

But hey…Izzie cares about Alex! Did you hear me? She cares about him. SHE cares about him. She CARES about him. She cares ABOUT him. She cares about HIM. SHE CARES ABOUT HIM. And, turns out…he’s kinda sorta into her, too.

Good morning! So, here’s a little good news/bad news for your Friday:

Iraqis take over security duties in Babel

The good news? The Iraqis are taking over security duties in Babel. Capt. UberHusband spent a good chunk of his time in Iraq in this very area, and completely understands the significance of this event.

The bad news? The Dallas Morning News buried this story somewhere towards the back of the first section of today’s paper, in a tiny 1/2-column news blip. Because of that, most people probably skimmed right past it. To be fair, I generally skim past the stories of security in Iraq being turned over to the Iraqis…but that’s because I know it’s going on. On this particular day though, it was personal.

The really bad news? There are still so many people out there saying we’re not getting anywhere in Iraq. Really? Not getting anywhere?

You know, this isn’t an issue of supporting the war versus not supporting it. This is an issue of how facts get lost within partisan rhetoric, and how anything positive which might come out of all of this can conveniently be swept under the rug by the media or really, anyone else who decides that progress or some semblance of positive news is counter-productive to his/her agenda.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Take a look-see at the first trailer for season 5 of Lost.

Lost still ranks pretty high on the Squeal-o-meter, by the way. Can’t wait for 2009!

Judy McGuire over at The Frisky has listed the four types of TV guys to avoid and while the list is pretty spot-on (Chuck Bass, Don Draper), I think the list is rather obvious…and woefully incomplete. Sure, ladies should avoid the guys with sex and alcohol addictions…and in general women should steer clear of 17-year old boys. What about the types that fly a little more under the radar, though? Where’s the lack of love for them?

Alan Harper (Two and a Half Men): Forget the chronically drunk, virus-hosting Charlie Harper, it’s his brother I think women need to worry about more. He’s marginally unemployed, and is still pussy-whipped by his ex even though the alimony has stopped. He also has far too many matching pajama-and-robe sets.

Roman Grant (Big Love): Roman tends to traffic more in quantity and not necessarily quality. Plus, he has way too many family obligations to ever make you feel like you’re #1…or #32, for that matter.

Ryan Howard (The Office): From temp to Corporate to receptionist in just a few short years. While I admire his Behind the Music-esque rise to stardom and subsequent attempt to rebuild after shamelessly falling from grace, he still hasn’t fully processed 9/11. Besides, he prefers women who look like Survivor contestants.

Elliot Stabler (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit): In love with a colleague for the past ten years. Enough said. Give it up…you’ll never be able to compete with his Workplace Wife. Just ask his actual wife.

Alan Shore (Boston Legal): I never thought I’d say this about a man, but Alan is in love with being in love. He’s not what I would consider old, yet he has deeply fallen in love with…and shared a rather special connection with…literally half of the female attorneys in Boston. And all Andrews Sisters jokes aside, he holds too big of a torch (that’s what she said?) for Denny. See “Elliot Stabler” above.

Last night CU and I were watching Pushing Daisies when I turned to him and said, “You know, I think this is my favorite show. Want to know why? Because this is the show I get the squealiest during.” And yeah, I know I ended my sentence with a preposition but I feel I can be grammatically dangerous like that in the privacy of my own home.

I remember a time not too long ago when I would dance around the living room (no joke) when I heard the opening credits for The Amazing Race. Same for Grey’s Anatomy. So then I thought…if I had to gauge which shows I was loving this season based on a Squealiness Factor of 1-100 and then got super-nerdy and plotted them along a line, what would it look like?

(more…)

Who knew?

Last night, I pitched an idea to Capt. UberHusband which would surely make us the Internet sensation of the year. Hell, we could even wind up on The Soup!

The concept? He and I would do our own interpretations of the weekly dances on Dancing With the Stars, and put ‘em on the web. After watching Susan Lucci “do the Hustle” like one of those 4-inch tall plastic music box ballerinas, and Cloris Leachman “do the Salsa” like a samba (Corky! Quit grabbing her ass and boobs!), I realized CU and I couldn’t do much worse. We practiced a few “moves”, and then I remembered why we don’t dance.

When CU and I were engaged we got it into our oogly, googly heads (”Aw shucks, ain’t being engaged grand?“) that we should learn how to “dance” for the “first dance” at our wedding reception. None of that “And I’m climbing the staiiiiiiirwayyyyyy…to Heavennnnn” swaying back and forth nonsense, no sirree bob. We were going to really dance, the high-falootin’ kind of dancing where you count in your head instead of look at your partner.

So, we signed up for lessons. What a disaster. The instructor got frustrated that I wouldn’t let CU lead, and I got frustrated because CU wasn’t leading. What’s a girl to do? I can tell you what we didn’t do - we didn’t go back. Now that I think about it, our instructor might have been a young (and male) Cheryl Burke. After all, we were just lazy…and not trying. Why should he invest any time in us if we clearly weren’t there for the right reasons and had no interest in taking home the disco ball trophy? I mean, really now!

After a few minutes I realized there was no way CU and I could be as entertaining as Julianne & Cody or Kym & Warren, so I poured another glass of wine and watched Bruno tell Lacey she needed to pound Lance more. Really, Bruno?

I’m a big fan of cross-referencing TV shows. Some are just made to be compared, although you don’t quite realize it until you watch one right after the other.

I am speaking of course, about The Amazing Race and Mad Men. Just think how awesome it would be if the folks from MM decided to go on vaycay with Phil Keoghan, work on their personal issues, and pursue a cool million in the process?

Here are the teams:

Don & Betty Draper: Married parents from Ossining, NY. Married nearly a decade, the Drapers have what appears to be a picture perfect life. However, their marriage is crumbling under the weight of infidelity, Heineken, red wine, the horsey set, and distressingly plaid capri pants. Don & Betty view TAR as their last chance to save their marriage, or at the very least another excuse to further exempt themselves from parenting their two kids.

Dick Whitman & Annie Draper: Friends, sort-of spouses, and holiday companions from San Pedro and…I have no idea where Dick Whitman is from originally. In a first for The Amazing Race, one man will participate on two teams simultaneously. How DickDon tackles the sensitive nature of his multiple teams’ dynamics is sure to be an inspiration to other men afflicted by dual lifestyles.

Peggy Olsen & Father Gill: Catholics from Brooklyn. Unfortunately, Peggy is in for a bit of a shock, as she thought she was being escorted by Father Gill to pitch another Young Person’s Dance to her church’s auxiliary guild. Instead, she found herself surrounded by large backpacks, a priest, and Phil Keoghan. Oh, and her babydaddy…Pete.

Pete & Trudy Campbell: Newlyweds, from New York City. As is de rigeur for each season of TAR, one woman’s biological clock has to tick out of control. At press time, Trudy’s father and Pete were arm-wrestling to determine who would get to go on any Travelocity Roaming Gnome “You are TEAM NUMBER ONE!” trips with Trudy. Special consideration has been made to avoid traveling to countries where Trudy could secretly adopt a child and bring it home with her. Keep an eye on her…especially for challenges which do not specifically call for a Roaming Gnome.

Joan Holloway & Roger Sterling - Man about town and woman about town from Manhattan. After Joan dumps her domineering ass of a fiance and Roger dumps his 20-year old whatchamacallit, they realize the next logical step in their relationship is to “take it to the next level” by appearing on a reality television show. Be on the lookout for Joan’s “ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY BOOBS?” t-shirts and “ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY ASS?” shorts.

Ken Cosgrove & Salvatore Romano: “Co-workers” from New York City. Chip & Reichen, or Oswald & Danny? You make the call.

I’ll pretend she tagged me…

Seven random things about me:

• I once was chasing a boy around the blacktop playground, fell and ripped all the skin off the palm of my right hand. I can’t help but think if that happened today, parents would band together for the immediate removal of said blacktop in favor of a softer, more boy chasing-friendly surface…like grass. Or cotton candy.
• I failed my driver’s test the first time around. Drove too fast in a residential area. In my defense, I lived in the sticks…where the speed limit in our “residential” area was 40 MPH.
• I’ve never really enjoyed living in Texas…or at least, the two cities I’ve lived in here.
• I have no arches in my feet. The world may be flattening, but it hasn’t yet caught up to my feet.
• I’ve worked for seven companies in my adult life.
• I love Target’s boxed wine. Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.
• I’ve been contributing to a retirement account since I got my first full-time job at 21. As of last week, the value is about the same as it was when I was 21.

Doing My Part to Recycle When Possible

Originally uploaded by snarkwife

So, today I quit my job. I’ve never been the type to bitch and moan on my blog because truly, it’s unprofessional…and you never know who out in the virtual world will read your rants and take swift and punitive action. I wasn’t about to be stupid and do anything to jeopardize my job.

But, my close friends and family knew the deal. And quite honestly, I hated the person I had become over the past two years. That’s no way to live, and it’s no way for Capt. UberHusband to live.

Having said that…YAY! I QUIT MY JOB!

There is something rather unnerving about quitting your job when you work at home. Believe it or not, it’s actually easier to do it in person. You know when your boss is in his/her office and when you can deliver your resignation. My boss wasn’t at his desk the first time I called him, which totally took the wind out of my sails.

On the upside…I don’t have co-workers coming into my cube and asking me all those questions that really make you feel like taking the rest of the day off. On the downside, thanks to the wonder of technology my entire team knew I was leaving in about ninety seconds.

Anyhoo, that is over and done.

On that note, here are the FAQs:

Do you have another fantabulous job waiting in the wings? Nope.

What are going to do? I don’t know. Finish school. Maybe get back to writing because at one point, I think was pretty damn good at it. Stop and smell the roses.

What about money? We’re fine.

Didn’t you just re-do the home office? Yes, we did. But, we also designed it around my still being in school…and how wonderful and functional it would still be even if we both worked outside the home.

What did your boss say? He said he wasn’t surprised, and that he figured it was coming.

When’s your last day? October 31st.

Come on, be honest. Why are you leaving? Because I want to pursue other opportunities. And that’s the line I’m sticking with.

For the first time in my life, I have absolutely no plan. Of course I have school but other than that, I’m winging it. Looking forward to the journey.

I’ll be back. Promise.

Anyone out there? If you’re dying to hear my mini-posts in the meantime, come visit me at Twitter.

Back in college, I was suckered in by one of those “Make $9/hour working for the UCSB Alumni Fund!” flyers.  It was your standard telemarketing job…call college alumni and ask for money to fund all sorts of capital improvement projects like building new engineering buildings and updating the Clinique counters in the UCen.

What I didn’t know when I started was that the newbies - until they proved their sales acumen - got to call the most resistant group of potential donors…the parents of brand-new freshmen.  Of course I had a script, and I called parents in the evening saying all sorts of annoying things to develop rapport (”I’m a chemistry major, too!” “I’m a history major, too!“  “I live in Francisco Torres, too!“), because I knew everything about their kid from the index card in front of me.  I mean, these were tactics straight out of Influence.

One of my favorite memories of my one day on the job revolved around calling a family with a Hispanic surname in central California, only to find out none of them spoke English.  All I could think of was that this family was probably already sacrificing enough to send one of their children to college, who in the Hell did I think I was…asking them to give even more?  I think Mom said something similar in Spanish.

That same night, I called another family and asked to speak to the presumed father, because his name was on my handy dandy index card.  I was told he had died.  Ugh.  That was the nail in the coffin.  Sorry.  I didn’t go back the next day.  Telemarketing was not my thing.  I found I was much better suited to making money in college by sitting in an inocuous bank office, performing an inocuous bank job, making an inocuous bank wage.

(more…)

Yikey schnikeys, what a week of television!  Things got off to a rousing start last Monday with Dancing With the Stars, and then limped out last night with Desperate Housewives.  I recorded Brothers & Sisters - haven’t watched it yet.

Thankfully, we watched Mad Men after the season premiere of DH - so I was able to go to sleep on an up-note.  Well, mostly an up-note.  What other show on television would show your bosses canning you, then buying another round of drinks before y’all head off to a private speakeasy?  This ain’t your father’s (grandfather’s? uncle’s?) workplace.

There’s still more to come this week…Dirty Sexy Money and Pushing Daisies return on Wednesday, as does Chuck tonight.

Anyhoo..here are my picks and pans for Premiere Week:

(more…)

Oh, sorry. Wrong blog.

So…what’s up with all of you? Forgive me readers, for I have sinned…it’s been, well, a while since I last blogged. Truth be told, I’ve been contemplating a post for several days but just haven’t had the wherewithall to put finger to keyboard.

Nevertheless…here’s what has been going on with me…

Vacation - Oh my, we had the best time. I did have school to contend with but all in all, it wasn’t too much of a distraction. We ate, drank, swam, snorkled, and generally had a fantastic time. It’s always so hard “returning to reality” though. Next year, school won’t be an issue. I love saying that - this time next year, I’ll be done with school. I do have to say, the jet lag’s worse coming back versus going out. For me, anyway. It’s far easier to force yourself to stay awake than go to sleep. I think we were on Hawaii time by the third night, and I’m still struggling to get fully back on Texas time after nearly a week back. Fortunately, we’re headed to NYC in November…otherwise I’d probably be more depressed that vacation is over.

School - Midterms are next week. Next week. Already. I think I’ve taken for granted the last few weeks, as they’ve been relatively stress-free. What I have to keep in mind is that I have four marketing projects still to do, and one for my global business class. They’re not huge…but they’re sizeable. Global Business has been a great class, as basically it’s a study of the free market system and…well, I won’t get into the specifics of it. But, I look at a lot of things differently now - from a pragmatic standpoint rather than an emotional one.

Capt. UberHusband - He’s headed back to his old company. New job wasn’t quite what he’d envisioned. Between you, me, and the blogosphere…I’m glad he’s leaving. Still, it has been fun having him working from home for the past couple of months. Looks like he’ll still be able to do that once in awhile, so that’s good.

Television - Wooooo…premiere week next week! Forget all the shows premiering though, what about all the ones that are winding down? Weeds! Nancy’s pregnant with the lovechild of a Mexican mafioso, er, mayor! Army Wives! Claudia Joy, I know you’ve got strong knees, nail your would-be rapist where it counts! The Closer! Nooo! Sanchez can’t die! Both CU and I are excited Entourage is back, although the amount of airtime being given to E’s new clients is already starting to wear thin. And, I can’t help it…I drank the Gossip Girl kool-aid. Then, I gave it to Capt. UberHusband and told him to just take a sip…that it wouldn’t hurt him. If he didn’t like it, he’d never have to get near it again. Heh.

Doggies - They’re getting older and grumpier by the week. As am I.

I’m trying to decide if I should even bother trying to recap The Amazing Race this season, or if the novelty of that wore off for me and everyone else three years ago.

We started watching 90210: Miss Teasley, Where Are You? about twenty minutes late last night. CU and I went to dinner and honestly…I forgot it was on. But when we made it home, I flipped on the show and…it was pretty much what I expected.

As everyone already knows courtesy of the last six months of pre-season hype, the premise is the same for the most part as the original Beverly Hills, 90210: Midwestern mom & dad and dorky teenage kids (hey, they don’t look alike…?) relocate to Beverly Hills, experience a “fish out of water” transition period, and take care of Alcoholic Grandma and her broken laptop. Oh wait - that last part is different than the original and…would make a great name for a band. Not only is Grandma a drunk, but her best friend is none other than Sue Ellen Ewing! I had a tough time with Jessica Walter though, because I still can’t watch her without thinking of Lucille Bluth.

In addition to spreading his distracting handsomness to the state of California, Jim Walsh 2.0 is also a tough-but-loving father, and…he’s the new principal of West Beverly High! Dude…seriously? Have you learned nothing from the past? But, I guess it’s a good way for the CW to keep the grownups active in the plotline without needing to resort to stunts like bringing John Stamos on to try to woo Lori Loughlin, or Heather Locklear to tempt Rob Estes. Yeah, I’ve got a million 90s references…and they’re all itching to come out.

(more…)

My LifeStream is starting to look like my actual life…where I seem to just do the same things, over and over.

I’ve submitted a support ticket to the guy who developed the LifeStream plugin I’m using. Ah, if only I could do the same for my life.

UPDATE: Looks like the most recent plugin update seems to have solved the LifeStream issue. Now I just need to post 47 other things to clear out the backlog.

And son of a gun, here we are.

CU and I were talking yesterday, about how this time last year we were sort of in a rushed frenzy. You see, we seem to be in this routine now of going on vacation after Labor Day; more specifically, two days after Labor Day. It really is fantastic to have a three day weekend and then just a couple days of work before heading to…wherever. For us, it has been Hawaii.

This time last year though, things were rather chaotic. Work was in a state of…transition, shall we say…and entirely out of control. I had just started my second semester back into my MBA program and was still experiencing growing pains with that, as well. Now though…work is still work, but school is an entirely different matter. I am not on a single group project this semester, and have already completed all of this week’s required work for both of my classes. It’s amazing how quickly I can power through this school thing when I set my mind to it instead of, oh, procrastinating.

Anyway, things around here don’t seem frenzied at all. Is it possible that I might actually experience the relaxed vacation I’ve been building up in my head for the last six months? Is it possible that once the work day ends tomorrow, I might actually…wind down?

Wow…must be getting close to September because all of a sudden, I have things to write about. I’m well aware that blogging about school is mind-numbingly dull. I suppose I could start blogging about my opinion of the current political climate, but I’m truly afraid that my words would so incite the Obamaniacs that I would have to contract a security detail for Cookie & Daisy. John McCain doesn’t make my insides go all aflutter either, but long story short…eh, forget it.

Yeah so anyway, the cast of the upcoming Celebrity Apprentice 2 has been announced. From what I can see, there’s some sort of cross-promotion going on between Celebrity Apprentice and Dancing with the Stars. Heather Mills has been on both shows, and Khloe Kardashian’s sister Kim will be appearing on the decidedly more upscale DWTS. The old lady demographic is covered on both shows, with Susan Lucci, Joan Rivers, and Cloris Leachman. Tony Danza and Ted McGinley are rockin’ the Way Bitchin’ 80s contingent…and, I’m sorry…Joe Francis?

CU and I loved Celebrity Apprentice last season. Loved it. Couldn’t get enough. How many episodes in do you think we’ll get before Heather removes her leg? How many shows do you think Heather needs to be on before that joke starts getting old?

You never know when your horoscope will say something along the lines of, “Quit your job, as you will be offered your dream position tomorrow…guaranteed” or, “Buy a lottery ticket today and you will be $386 million dollars richer this time tomorrow…guaranteed.” This is why I read my horoscope every day…because you just never know.

Do I ever get that level of feedback? Oh no, here’s a sample of what my horoscope generally looks like:

You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t lend money to friends. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.

Of course, we all know that horoscopes…much like fortune cookies…aren’t really designed to help you map out your day. Instead, they tell you things you already know such as, “Fortune cookie say eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner means you will eat in the morning, afternoon, and evening.” That sort of thing. So I’m thinking, in the same vein as today’s horoscope, what sort of wisdom could I share with you which really, you already know?

• You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t drink bleach out of Hard Rock Cafe shot glasses. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.
• You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t carry a Samurai sword into an elementary school cafeteria during lunch on a Tuesday. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.
• You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t cut your own hair with a weed eater. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.
• You’re incredibly lucky now, if you don’t continue to cry over the breakup of Yang and Burke on Grey’s Anatomy. You probably stopped doing that many years ago. If not, stop now.

I mean really now, the possibilities are endless. Go on, give it a shot in the comments.

The lineup for this season’s Dancing with the Stars has been announced!

• Toni Braxton, singer, 40, and season one DWTS champ Alec Mazo
• Lance Bass, singer, 29, and Lacey Schwimmer
• Ted McGinley, actor, 50, and Inna Brayer
• Cloris Leachman, actress, 82, and Corky Ballas
• Warren Sapp, former NFL star, 35, and Kym Johnson
• Rocco DiSpirito, chef, 31, and Karina Smirnoff
• Kim Kardashian, TV personality, 27, and reigning DWTS champ Mark Ballas
• Maurice Green, Olympic gold medalist track and field star, 34, and two-time DWTS champ Cheryl Burke
• Misty May-Treanor, Olympic gold medalist beach volleyball player, 31, and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
• Susan Lucci, Emmy-award winning soap opera actress, 61, and Tony Dovolani
• Jeffrey Ross, 42, comedian, and Edyta Sliwinska
• Cody Linley, 18, actor, and two-time DWTS champ Julianne Hough
• Brooke Burke, 36, TV personality, and Derek Hough

It’s impossible for me at this point to make any true observations or predictions, although I’m looking forward to the Brooke/Derek, Rocco/Karina and MistyMax pairings. And, DWTS is just Hell-bound and determined to have someone actually die on the show. Marie Osmond passing out just didn’t cut it, I guess.

CU and I had read that there were “discussions” about whether or not to pair Lance Bass with a male partner, which was just plain stupid. We’d also planned on boycotting the entire show’s season if they played that exploitive (and ridiculous) card. Thankfully, they didn’t. Although, it would have been sort of hot to see Derek Hough in one of those itty-bitty Latin costumes.

CU and I went to see Tropic Thunder yesterday. Oh my God…so funny. I knew it was going to be great, but I had no idea just how funny it would end up being. The entire audience was laughing hysterically the whole time, and I even had a wadded-up napkin which was nearly soaked from drying my tear-soaked eyes. I did come to the realization though, that if we were to take every movie studio head and every entertainment agent and just ship ‘em over to Iraq, we’d be done with that whole business in quick form.

Robert Downey, Jr. - awesome…and I don’t throw that word around lightly. Tom Cruise…well, he’s damn funny. And yeah, his scenes are pretty filthy but if you’ve ever seen Entourage, it isn’t too far from how I suspect Ari Gold would behave if he were in charge of a studio.

(more…)

Some things just beg to be blogged. From the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit:

frustrated: The state of being pissed off, and doing everything within one’s power not to leap across the table and throttle the human source of frustration; when used by a boss describing himself or herself to a subordinate, may mean “Are you a complete and total moron or just aggressively insolent? We’ve talked about this seven times.”

Once of my coworkers said, “I’d heard frustration defined as ‘controlling the urge to strangle the life out of someone who desperately deserves it.’ Fewer fluffy words.” To which I replied, “By the sheer definition of corporate bullshit, it must be longwinded and lacking in brevity.”

I couldn’t believe I’d pulled a big word like “brevity” out of my hat. Must be getting close to the beginning of the next semester. It’s around now that I start using words with more than one syllable.

(more…)

It’s a busy morning here at Casa de Snark. We have Professional Painters coming in today to paint all of our interior doors and trim, the ceiling, and the accent wall we painted blue right before we moved in. They’re old (the doors) and starting to discolor…and the Amateur Painters who actually live here (ahem) are too lazy to paint all seventeen of them. We have more important things to do…like design the new Snarkwife/Capt. UberHusband dual home office. Oh yeah. That’s so much fun it gave me a headache and what I thought were the beginnings of flu symptoms yesterday. But hey, it’s cheaper than the projects we keep putting off…like renovating the bathrooms.

It’s strange…I don’t think we’ve had this many people in our house since our housewarming party. Seven years ago. Obviously we don’t entertain much. Son of a gun…we’ve lived here for seven years. Well technically, our mortgage began seven years ago last week. We didn’t move in until a couple of weeks later, though. Have I ever told you that story? Oh, it’s a doozy.

(more…)

This past weekend was really weird. I had my SIE initiation on Saturday night and fortunately, waterboarding was not in the program. Apparently, it wasn’t that kind of initiation. Instead, we had a buffet and mid-priced wine…and I got to meet my arch-nemesis from my online Applied Research Methods class. This guy drove me insane. I always manage to find the second-smartest person in the class (behind me, of course) and fixate on him for twelve weeks. I say “him” because generally, it has been a guy. For someone who considers herself to not be terribly competitive, I seem to be…terribly competitive. Anyway, Arch-Nemesis and I had a good time bagging on the professor and our insane workload in the class.

Where was I going with this?
(more…)

During my RSS travels yesterday…I came upon this article, which linked to this article about the 21-day complaint free marriage experiment, which linked to the official A Complaint Free World website.

Finding these posts reminded me of my own personal journey towards complaining less. Funny, I know.  Two months after ordering my bracelet…having not yet received it, I sent an email to the fine folks at A Complaint Free World Dot Org and inquired as to my order.  I received a polite response back that, due to the mention on Oprah, the little mom-and-pop grassroots effort was so totally overwhelmed by requests that they were running about two months behind on fulfillment.  If I didn’t get my bracelet in a couple more months, I should contact them.

(more…)

Oh my goodness, Capt. UberHusband and I had the best weekend.  Spent a lot of time at the pool, ran up exhorbitant bar/food bills at said pool…and we slept in.  Well, we didn’t really sleep in…but we were able to wake up without being forced out of bed by the dogs to tend to their increasingly growing needs.  That was nice. Sometimes it’s nice to send the dogs to doggie camp.  Don’t tell Cookie I said that, though.

Tragically however, all good things must come to an end…and I had to go back to work this morning.  What a downer.  I mean, seriously.  I’ll just leave it at that.

This was one of those days when I stop at random intervals and say, “Is there a full moon tonight?  Everyone is acting so completely insane.”  It was so completely insane of a day, that the high point was successfully creating a new Twitter avatar.  That’s setting sights pretty low, folks.  I shouldn’t find this surprising, though.  Things like this seem to happen between semesters for me.  It’s like as soon as one high-stress part of my life goes on hiatus…fifteen more are in the wings ready and waiting for their close-ups.

Here’s an insanity example, though…one that won’t get me into trouble with anyone.  Last week, I called the guy we’re renting our villa from in September.  I gave him our credit card number so he could finish billing the charge, and our address so he could mail us the keys.  Then I emailed him the address, too.  He called on Thursday and left a voice mail confirming he had all our info, and we were paid in full and ready to go.  Mahalo.

At about 4:30 this afternoon while I was on the phone with CU, Villa Guy called and left a message asking me to call him back.  I did…about twenty minutes later.  Keep this in mind.  Twenty minutes later.  When he answers, I tell him who I am, and that I’m returning his call.  He says, “Ah, yes.  Give me a minute to remember why I called you.” Twenty. Minutes.

(more…)

Sometimes, the actions of people completely baffle me. Now, I expect a certain level of stupidity and moronicity (like that?) out of the Average Person, me included; but, oh my God, have I got a whopper of a story. And this time, it wasn’t What Would Snarkwife Do? It was, What Did Stacy Actually Do?

Ya’ll know I’m a stickler for service. I praise the good, but I will also let the complaints flow if I’ve received lousy service. I’m particularly astute to the art of customer service management since I finished my services marketing class…two hours ago. Heh.

So. I needed a pedicure. The last one I got was about a month ago, and with everything…well, that just fell off the list of Things To Do. I’ve been going to the same place down in Plano for ten years (and had the same pedicure chick for nine), but didn’t feel like making the 20-minute drive. Now of course, I’m kicking myself…but…coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Around here, you can’t turn around without bumping into at least three nail salons. They’re in every strip mall at every intersection, and I can think of…six nail places that are within a five-minute drive of my house. So, I take an early lunch and swing by one for a pedicure. I walk in and the place seems nice enough, except they don’t have their A/C turned on…just lots of fans running. Well, I need a pedicure, and don’t have time to go interviewing every nearby nail establishment today.

(more…)

So, check this out. Turns out we here in the DFW area are being paid back for last year’s mild (well, by comparison) summer. Our big plans of hanging out by the pool this weekend have now been modified to hanging out by the pool just long enough to get a cocktail delivered, then I guess we’ll hide someplace air-conditioned the rest of the time.

Before we can get to the fun weekend though, I need to take my Financial Management final. Since I woke up bright and early at 5:30 AM (anxious much, Stacy?), it would behoove me to just take the durn thing so I can get on with my life.

More later.

Update: Got an A on my final (19/20 - score!), and I can now hold my own in a conversation about target capital structures, why NPV is superior to IRR, and the difference between the stable and residual dividend policies. That is of course, if I fail to shift these conversations to the topic of television.

Turns out, the Dallas Morning News is good for more than simply providing space for parents to blatantly dodge responsibility, yessireebob.  It will also provide a primer on how to call in sick!

My favorite?

Don’t give your supervisor all the gory details of your illness, pain and suffering. It smacks of exaggeration. Make the call short and to the point.

The only exception to this rule is if your name happens to be Ferris Bueller. The epilogue to this one is the story someone will tell you when he/she comes back after aforementioned illness. If they go into great detail about how they threw up all day, slept for nine hours, couldn’t eat anything except chicken broth…yadda, yadda, yadda…you can be pretty sure they were sitting at home, happy as a lark, watching The Price is Right.

One good thing about working from home is…I never get sick anymore. In the last 4+ years, I think I’ve only called in sick (as in, too sick to even sit upright to at least type)…maybe…twice? The job I had before this one though, we had that great thing called PTO time. Or rather, it’s great for HR and payroll administrators because without “sick time,” that’s one less thing to take care of and/or manage.

The other side of that though, is people won’t ever call in sick. I know I didn’t. I wanted to use my precious PTO time for fun things…like vacation. So, I’d go into work…sick as a dog. So did everyone else. I think that’s the only time your average “drug-free workplace” becomes a “drug haven.” You’re either hopped up on amphetamines decongestants or in an antihistimine-fueled fog. Ah, those were good days.

Back in college, a group of my friends decided to go up to Lake Tahoe for a few days over New Year’s. I was bad…I called in sick, even though I wasn’t sick. I was also a fan of the “leave a voicemail for your boss at 7 AM, so he/she knows you at least got up and tried to pull it together” tactic. You don’t call when he/she is actually in the office…that would be just…silly!

And…I have to mention this…Capt. UberHusband has never called in sick to work. Ever.

What about ya’ll? Any good “calling in sick” stories?

Well, I have been up for a whopping six minutes, and have already downloaded the WordPress for iPhone app from the iTunes store.

Just think of the possibilities…rather than needing to wait to get home to talk about the weird things I see while out and about, now I can create posts on the fly. Take yesterday, for example…I was at the Girl Part Doctor, and there was a limo out front. Huh?

Or, I could tell you about the conversation I had with a woman (started when she saw my financial management text) which ended with her saying, “I had an MBA, and then I became a mom.” I’m sorry, that befuddles me. Did you have to give it back?

So you see, I am now officially mobile. I also am now officially in need of a remedial iPhone keyboard typing class. This post took way longer to tap out than it needed to.

Here’s my horoscope for today:

They say if you do what you love, the money will follow.  They don’t say how long it will take to get here.  It could be awhile.  Do what you love anyway.

Well…if my horoscope says to do it, then I guess I should.

CU and I have this routine in the morning.  The alarm goes off, we roll around and grumble a bit, scratch the dogs, and take the dogs outside.  Then, depending on who is more awake (and has more front yard-appropriate clothing on), one of us will go out and grab the paper while the other gives Cookie her morning meds.

I’ll fix a cup of coffee, then sit down to read all of the advice columns and of course, Dilbert.  CU got to the “Collin County Opinions” page in the Metro section before I did today.  Here’s the thing about the Collin County Opinions section - generally the “editorials” are written by average folk…presumably like you and me, assuming you live in Collin County and are an unappreciated stay-at-home-mom, an overworked and underpaid teacher, a self-employed “telecom executive” who was laid off during the Telecom Bust of ‘01, or a local high school student who wants to get a jump-start on his/her journalism career. 

These “opinion” pieces are supposedly also written with a decidedly “folksy” spin so that average folk…presumably like you and me, can engage in watercooler talk about how our lives are just like theirs.  We’re all in this crazy wacky life together, you know?

But.  This is what we read this morning, and then…well…I got angry.  I know, it’s tough to believe someone can get angry when they’ve only been awake for fifteen minutes, but I managed to do it.  I got angry about one-quarter of the way into the story, and then CU calmly told me to read the rest of it, so I could put it all into its proper disturbing context.  I’ll wait while you read the whole thing.  Don’t want anyone Google-ing themselves this morning to claim I took anything out of context.

(more…)

From an email just sent to me by a colleague:

Due to recent budget cuts and the spiraling cost of energy, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

There was this running joke I proliferated throughout Twitterville last month, about how it seemed to unexpectedly pour down rain here shortly after we’d run a round of the sprinklers.  While it was merely annoying at the time, it only took one look at our $130 City of Allen bill yesterday and the fact that our water consumption increased three hundred percent from the month of May to the month of June…to know something was up.

I called the City of Allen utility billing department and after saying, “Our bill is really, really high…there’s no way two people go through 800 gallons of water a day,” the very cordial customer service rep immediately went to page 3 of The Script and replied, “Have you been using your irrigation system more?”  Well, her slight Texas drawl led me to believe she was asking me if we had been using our air conditioning system more.  Uh, yeah.  It’s freaking hot outside.  Of course we have.  And, what does that have to do with our water usage?  Oh…irrigation.  Got it.  No, not using that any more than we did three months ago.  If anything we’ve been using it less since now that we’ve stopped running it so much…and funny thing, the rain has stopped, too.  Go figure.

(more…)

Well, CU and I went to see George Michael last night, which was a replacement concert for the Obnoxious Billy Joel Birthday Fiasco of ‘07.

The tickets said the show would begin promptly at 8 PM. Wow, cool. That would be a first! And, it would have been a first had it actually happened. GM didn’t manage to make it on stage until close to 9 PM, and I suspect that only happened because once the crowd started doing the wave (10,000 strong), it’s only a short hop to rushing the stage and riots at the concession stands…and who wants to be responsible for that?

The Fort Worth Star-Telegram seemed to have better overall things to say about the show than the Dallas Morning News did, which I found interesting since GM became Dallas’s Darling after he moved here (part-time, anyway) to live with partner Kenny Goss awhile back. Last week I also perused the internets checking out reviews of other concerts and the reviews were not very good. The light show was tacky, there wasn’t anyone at the concert…past his prime, blah blah blah. I was a little worried we’d get there and would be two of about a hundred people in attendance. I was so blessedly wrong.

I’ve never done a concert review…not sure where to start.

(more…)

Fast & Fresh!

Originally uploaded by snarkwife

And we thought $2.89 was expensive last July.