Capt. UberHusband and I have a very exciting night ahead of us. First we’re going to go to the gym. After we come back I’m going to tackle level 21 of Diner Dash and then we’re going to get ourselves gussied up and head out to dinner at Roy’s. After that we’re coming back home, cracking open a bottle of champagne and trying to stay awake until midnight.

Our next-door neighbor has invited us over to her place once we get back from dinner…she and one of her couple-friends are ringing in the new year with a dart board, a pool table and alcohol. Sounds interesting, but considering it’s supposed to be about six degrees by the time we get home, the walk over there might be more than I can bear. Tomorrow consists of sitting around, watching TV, and the traditional all-day grazing with Snarkwife’s Holiday Crab Dip. The stuff is awesome. Mama Snark made it when I was growing up, and I am proud to continue with her legacy.

Oh, I am so ready for Blog 365. I already have 360 posts drafted, queued up, and ready to go. Kidding.

Happy New Year to all of you…have fun and stay safe tonight!

Christmas at casa de snark was wonderful, as usual. Although…I have to say, it doesn’t really matter if your home has one, two, or twenty people in it on Christmas day…it’s a tiring experience. Seriously - you’re going from the moment you wake up and by the time you get to the day after Christmas you vow that you will do things differently the next year. But really, you never do.

So now that we have that holiday under our belts, our sights are turned to New Year’s Eve. Ah…New Year’s Eve…the holiday full of interesting memories. I have loads. One particularly poignant one from 1995 (6?) involves a party with some friends, and ends with a now decade-long violent aversion to tequila. Another involves me going into the back alley behind the house and letting loose on one of our neighbors and his demon spawn child, because they had the balls to shoot off fireworks toward our backyard. This was annoying not only because we had a burn ban at the time, but because I was desperately trying to just sleep through freaking midnight when CU was in Iraq. I have another one from high school…I had a party…with confetti I created out of paper and a hole punch. I think I spent about six hours vacuuming it up the next day. Good times.

New Year’s Eves have become a little more subdued around here in recent years. Now it generally consists of dinner out and then a bottle of champagne back at home at midnight, but we’ve been invited to a party next door by the Non-Husband-Stealing Neighbor. We’ll take advantage of that after dinner…should be fun, and will give us a great opportunity to regift a few things. Oh, I’m sorry…did I say that out loud?

And of course, with the new year comes the inevitable questions about what your new year’s resolutions are. Are you one of those folks who sets lofty goals like, “I will lose fifteen pounds by January 15″ or do you set more reasonable goals like, “I’ll try to floss the day I go to the dentist?” Do you just pooh-pooh the whole concept, believing that resolutions are lame because no one ever meets any of them?

Or…do you decide to go all wickedly insane and vow to blog every day in 2008?

…and all through the house, all the creatures were stirring…especially my spouse. Heh.

Most of us have at least a few good Christmas memories, right? You know, the ones that you still remember 20, 30, 40 years later?

• When I was a little girl…2nd grade? Maybe it was 4th…not sure. Anyway, both of my parents were sick - really sick. That year they did get up with me at the crack of dawn long enough to open presents, then it was back to bed. Best Christmas ever…why, you ask? Because I had Spaghettios for Christmas dinner. I rocked.
• One Christmas when we lived in Wisconsin (I was somewhere between 3 & 6), I looked out our back sliding glass door on Christmas morning and saw reindeer tracks leading away from the door! Cool! Santa really did come to the house…or did he? Turns out he didn’t…but the end of a broom handle did.
• My first Christmas in my very own apartment - sans roommate. 1996. That was such a great year. I had this dinky little 4′ tree and a brand-new poodle puppy. Awww.
• Believe it or not, the year CU was in Iraq. I woke up Christmas morning, and he and I opened presents together courtesy of Yahoo Messenger and my webcam. I would have rather had him here, but that was the next best thing. The other thing I remember vividly - how I managed to get all of his Christmas presents arranged in one flat-rate Priority Mail box - it was like a wrapped game of Jenga.

I’d love to hear some of your favorite memories…or better yet, share them in your own blogs and get all of us in the Christmas spirit!

And…speaking of Christmas spirit…we figured out who sent us the cake. It was CU’s uncle. Mystery solved.

And…speaking of food…we are anxiously awaiting the Ninth Annual Christmas Eve Dinner Snarktacular this evening at The Melting Pot. Nothing says Christmas like stabbing little pieces of meat and cooking them yourself.

Merry Christmas…hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

CU and I received a fantastic cake last week - from Cakes by Jane - but we don’t know who sent it. I thought maybe our friends Jana and Vali sent it, but an email from Jana today confirmed they did not, in fact send us a cake. On the upside, we should be getting something from Wine.com soon!

We’ve gone through our list of the Usual Gift Suspects and have come up completely empty. Hopefully we can figure out who sent it, because I don’t want the giver thinking I’m a totally inconsiderate buffoon for not promptly thanking him or her.

Ah…now it looks more like Christmas around here. Nothing like a fresh theme to take us into the last week before Christmas, right?

On that note…and on the heels of my post about things which make it seem like the holidays, I wanted to toss out a few toys from my youth which made my heart go all aflutter:

• Lite-Brite
• Fashion Plates
• Legos
• Barbie and all of her related paraphernalia

One of my favorite Christmas gifts ever was a fantastic Barbie townhouse. Got it one of the Christmases we lived in Wisconsin…so I was little. It was three stories (about as tall as me, at the time) and had an elevator I could operate myself! With a piece of string! The inflatable furniture I got to go along with it was…quite trendy at the time? The only thing that place was missing was a macrame plant hanger, and maybe a fondue set.

The one thing I always wanted - but never got - was an Easy Bake Oven. I don’t know what it was about those things, but the thought of cooking by light bulb always sounded so fun. Sure, I could bake a cake in a real oven…but where’s the joy in that? I was never big into the whole Cabbage Patch doll thing…and of course, games for my Atari 2600 were always appreciated - like Pitfall. Oh, that Pitfall Harry - what a man.

What about you?

Dear Santa,

Thank you for delivering a few items yesterday for Capt. UberHusband to wrap today and put under the tree. Things were looking mighty one-sided under there for a bit, and I didn’t want to have to call Dr. Phil to remind CU that some women need to see presents under the tree for more than a week before Christmas.

By the by…Cookie has asked for a kitten for Christmas. I’m not sure where she’s going with that idea, but I think you should probably skip the kitten and get her a new bed.

While I’ve got you here, I’m making my grocery list and wanted to check on your wine and cheese preferences in lieu of cookies and milk this year. Would you rather go traditional with a nice cab, or live it up a bit with a zesty sangiovese? I assume you’re bringing your designated sleigh driver (I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry - your secret is safe with me)?

Let me know…see you in ten days!

Snarkwife

I was reading Women’s Health at the gym a couple of days ago (no, really) and a few of the magazine’s writers were asked what their favorite things were about the holiday season. I thought, “That would make a cool blog post.”

So, here’s my list:

• Christmas episodes of TV shows (think Roseanne, Little House on the Prairie, The O.C.)
• New wrapping paper
• Chocolate peppermintinis
• News reports about those weirdos who run up $1,000 electric bills with their outdoor light displays
• Going out shopping with CU, then pointing at things and saying, “THAT would make a good Christmas present. No wait, come back here - LOOK - that would make a good Christmas present. Did you hear me?“
• Looking at all the ornaments CU and I have acquired over the years
• Bitching about that horrible song, “Christmas Shoes”
• Opening *one* present on Christmas eve
• Christmas Eve dinner at The Melting Pot
• Watching Cookie and Daisy go all wiggy trying to get chewbones out of their stockings

What about you?

The Twelve Days of Fafa
(sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)

On the first day of Christmas, my Fafa gave to me…
a Fafa head, her name is Britney.

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This is the seventh Christmas season for CU and I in our house (okay, technically it’s only CU’s sixth) and we have never done the holiday lights thing.

When we drive around in the evenings, we see so many truly horrific light displays that we always said we’d never do lights unless we could do them right.

This year though, we’re surrounded by lights. Our neighbors on both sides have them up…our neighbor across the street has them up, and the folks in the house kitty corner from us - well, they don’t really have lights up, they just have those awful red and green outdoor flood lights - but we can’t be the only ones not in the holiday spirit, you know?

Feeling rather Grinchy while surrounded by all of this festive spirit, we decided this would be the year we would do lights. We’re so glad we did. Ours is the best house on the block. Neener neener. I didn’t think we were terribly competitive, but I guess we are.

Heh. Just wait until we put up the new fence next month.

Someone asked me how the Billy Joel concert was…you remember, the one I was so excited about because I got tickets for my birthday? Well, we didn’t go. The asshat CU bought the tickets from on eBay never sent them. Nice. Didn’t respond to emails, phone calls…nothing. The guy had a 100% positive feedback rating but in recent weeks, we’ve discovered we’re not the only ones who were duped. Now the transaction is in the hands of the PayPal claims department. What a pain in the ass. But, the Dallas Morning News said it was a great concert.

• “My First Cocktail” lunch box - where was this when I was a kid?
• A cabinet that looks like a Wiimote - unfortunately, the house that looks like an actual Wii is on backorder until 2009.
• Men’s titanium bracelet - I have no idea why you would buy this for someone, but Amazon.com doesn’t charge tax and it does ship free with super saver shipping…?
• Mophie Mueva Wraptor acryllic
• case for 2G Shuffle - it’s the second “l” in “acryllic” which makes this a must-buy. The more l’s, the better the product.
• Helio Castroneves - because, well, he’s back on the market!

• A case of 1200 Starbucks cup sleeves - for the person who…brews his or her own Starbucks at home? Sadly, you can’t get the matching cups. I’d try Overstock.com for those.
• Coach lipstick…yes, you read that right!
• Hillary Clinton nutcracker…complete with sensible shoes
• Hello Kitty Electronic Toilet Paper Dispenser
• The Ex 5-piece Knife Set with Unique Holder - unique, indeed.

Sure, it’s not a $299 laptop…but I think we’ve got something for just about everyone on your list below…don’t you think?

• ”I Met My Daddy On Maury” Onesie
• Hello Kitty Bluetooth headsets
• “I Heart Boxed Wine” t-shirt
  
• Wine bottle USB flash drive

We weren’t nuts enough to hit any of the 4 AM sales, but we did go out and do a bit of shopping (both for ourselves and for others) around 10 AM. Our favorite experience? We were at Macy’s to buy deeply discounted winter jammies for me, and were fortunate enough to find ourselves in the line with the sales clerk who had been there SINCE 5:45 AM and it was time for her LUNCH BREAK BUT NO ONE HAD SHOWN UP YET and when I greeted her when it was our turn (rather nicely, I might add) she did that, “Bbbbbpplllbbbppp” sound with her lips. Nice. While ringing up our TWO WHOLE ITEMS she also got on the phone, called the Mother Ship and asked when her lunch break relief employee was showing up. Happy friggin’ holidays to you too, lady.

We were at Tom Thumb to buy a bag of frozen dinner rolls and were checked out by a young man of…well, let’s just say it was non-Caucasian, non-Asian, non-Hispanic descent. CU and I were talking about Black Friday and the young man looked at me quizzically (suspiciously?) and asked me what Black Friday was. For half a second, I thought the kid thought I was going to respond with something along the lines of, “Black Friday is when folks like me take the day off, and folks like you have to work.” I felt guilty - even after we quickly and thoroughly explained what Black Friday was. Good times. Happy holidays.

Our second favorite experience? Officially kicking over to the XM radio holiday stations…YAY! Christmastime is here!

Only one turkey was harmed in the making of this film.

Have a fantastic Thanksgiving!

Is your child a nerd? Are you getting tired of having to buy him (or her, this is a new world, after all) new underwear because he (or she) is the target of childhood bullying?

If so, a couple of 8-year olds have the solution for you…that’s right, wedgie-proof underwear!

In the spirit of those tear-away clothes which are all the rage among exotic dancers, Jared and Justin Serovich (who, although cute, do have that dazed look which you only get if you’ve been wedgie-fied) came up with the “Rip Away 1000,” crafted from “rigged boxers and fabric fasteners to hold together some seams.”

Love this! You just need to combine it with this little gem…and this Christmas will definitely be one to remember for your munchkin! Then again, maybe not.

Last night was really funny. First, it was bright and sunny when the trick-or-treaters started wandering around our neighborhood…at 5:30 PM. CU and I went for a reallllly long walk, during which we encountered a young girl engaging in a blood-curdling screamfest. I think she was yelling for everyone to come to her house…I think. Any other night of the year I might have been concerned but on Halloween, even if she really is getting chopped up into a million pieces, what are you going to do?

When we made it back to our house, people were setting up camp in their front yards, ready to hand out candy. Our neighbor across the street even had a box of Franzia…we assume…for the parents? Maybe it was for him, who knows.

After we showered and cleaned up, we headed over to Posados for dinner. For those of you in and around the DFW area, you’ll know that Posados is always busy. Always. So busy in fact, we usually have to park rather far away. Last night, though…rock star parking. Right in front. Heh. When we showed up close to 7, we were one of about four parties in the restaurant. I’m not kidding. That place was dead. After dinner we went to DSW Shoe Warehouse and I picked up some really cute shoes, then we came home.

Heading back, the crowds of candy beggars had increased significantly…as did the shock value of the costumes. We saw a couple of young ladies whom we affectionately named “Slutty Pirate Wench” and “Slutty Something With a Short Skirt.” Parents, do you really let your daughters out looking like that, or were you at Posados with us and as such, had no idea what they were doing? I also spotted a roaming gang of young men, shirtless and with saggy pants. Fortunately, they were roaming away from our street.

But, another Halloween has come and gone…anyone have any good stories?

Yeah, I know - I have a strict rule that I generally don’t discuss anything Christmas-related until at least my birthday has passed…but I had to lead off this year’s shopping guide with a particularly special inaugural item…a Dolce & Gabbana Motorola Bluetooth headset.

Now, I understand the allure and profitability of Dolce & Gabbana striking a licensing deal with Motorola…but seriously folks, is there a market for this sort of thing out there? Is this what the kids on The Hills are wearing this season? Funny thing…this is the exact same headset I own, except…mine is this one. Maybe I need to write “SW” on mine with a magic marker. That would be really cool.

Happy Halloween!

There was an article in the Dallas Morning News this morning, talking about the age-old subject of, “How old is too old to go trick or treating?” It reminded me of the last time I went trick or treating…my freshman year of high school.

So, I believe you’re too old to go trick or treating when you’re old enough to find out on the bus the next day that your boyfriend dumped you the night before…and everyone else knew before you did. Good times.

Seriously though…how old is too old? I remember being at Mom’s house years ago, before she moved to New York, and her doorbell was ringing until 10 PM. At that late hour, it was generally teenagers in totally non-original costumes like “High School Junior” and “Disaffected Youth Gone Mild”. She gave them candy because she was afraid they’d trash her house if they didn’t. And that my friends, is the reason for the season.

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You know, my blog is starting to sound like one of those places where you go to read paid advertisements about things other people want me to say I like. But, I swear…that isn’t the case…I just have a lot of great things to share!

One of my co-workers has hit the big time…he has been in cahoots with the best-selling Christmas Chronicles series for some time now, and the franchise has a new book coming out this Fall - just in time for Christmas gift-giving!

Santa’s North Pole Cookbook

From the Publisher:

In this one-of-a-kind Christmas cookbook, Saint Nicholas himself invites readers to pull up their chairs to his dining table at the North Pole and enjoy a bounty of his most cherished holiday recipes. Featuring classic American holiday dishes as well as mouthwatering Christmas fare from all over the world-Santa’s favorite finds from his extensive travels-Santa’s North Pole Cookbook offers an abundance of holiday meals that are as delicious as they are rich in Christmas tradition.

With more than seventy classic Christmas recipes from German Christmas Goose with Cabbage and Potato Dumplings and Santa’s Favorite Rosemary Turkey to Christopsomo (the traditional Greek holiday bread that children decorate with dough designs before baking) and English Christmas Plum Pudding, Santa’s North Pole Cookbook is a must-have for anyone who delights in preparing delectable, yet easy-to-make holiday food for their family. Santa also tells the fascinating lore of the celebration of the winter solstice and the festivities of Christmas, sharing with readers the wonderful stories about how and where he personally encountered these toothsome delicacies in his yuletide travels.

Full of appetizers, side dishes, main courses, beverages-and, of course, desserts!-Santa’s North Pole Cookbook guides readers in creating special holiday meals for their loved ones at Christmastime.

Great…now I’m hungry.

I’m so glad we’re cutting Daisy’s beard shorter now…she looks a little silly in this photo.

I’d also like to point out that it’s 2 PM…and we haven’t had a drop of rain today…yet. Dare I mention it’s actually…sort of…sunny outside? Well, maybe not sunny…but it’s really bright. I’m sure there’s sun beyond the clouds.

Off the subject, I’m not quite sure why the CSS for this theme made everything in italics appear in bold red. When I get around to turning the Mac back on tomorrow morning, I will need to fix that…for it is rather annoying.

I saw Christmas decorations today…at Hobby Lobby.

I walk in, looking for fabric-friendly velcro and a frame easel and…I am slapped in the face with three aisles’ worth of Christmas crap, with ornaments being set up right before my eyes.

Christmas.

IT’S JUNE.

Beware all, I suspect the end is near.

**PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM CASA DE SNARK**

With Easter upon us, it’s likely many of our homes will be filled with chocolate. KEEP ALL CHOCOLATE WELL OUT OF REACH OF YOUR DOGS!

Last night, I was wondering where Cookie was when I heard Daisy rustling around in my office…sniffing, what I quickly found out, were the remains of a 3.5 oz. Lindt dark chocolate bunny, meant for CU’s Easter basket. There goes that surprise.

Unfortunately, it was Cookie…not Daisy, who had eaten the entire thing. She’s not a very clean eater, and the chocolate breath and smeared goo all over her mouth gave her away.

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First off, Happy Valentine’s Day…again. Always lead on a positive note.

I saw a segment on some news show a couple of days ago, which praised the asinine invention of this thing called “Anti Valentine’s Day,” where pissed-off single women try to hijack the holiday, because they’re not part of a couple and want everyone to know it, I guess. I believe they interviewed the Valentine’s Day Product Manager at American Greetings for the segment, too. How sweet of a job would that be (no pun intended), the product manager for Valentine’s Day cards? I think I may have just found my next career. Greeting card product manager. Oh yeah.

Having said that, this article was in yesterday’s Dallas Morning News. Clip it out, and be appreciative for what you do have, rather than bitter about what you don’t have. Before I got married, I had proportionately less coupled-up V-Days than single ones, so I speak of which I know. And, after watching some of the women in the segment, no wonder they’re single. They’re mean, nasty, judgmental and think love doesn’t count unless it’s romantic. You kind of wait for Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha to show up and smack some sense into them.

Oh, and I love my husband. I love him in that oogly googly schmoopy “You can ditch me for Iraq and Paris two Valentine’s Days in a row and I still adore you, because eventually you’ll come home and do things like replace the light in our master closet” sort of way. Just so we’re all clear on that.

6 ways to add more love to your life

DAYLE ALLEN SHOCKLEY

In 1967, the Beatles declared, “All you need is love.” That assertion may not be far from the truth.

“When we increase the love and intimacy in our lives, we also increase the health, joy and meaning in our lives,” says Dr. Dean Ornish, founder and director of the nonprofit Preventive Medicine Research Institute in Sausalito, Calif.

His book, Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy (Collins, $14), is a best-seller. His research has been published in the Journal of the American Medical Association and other medical journals. Dozens of other studies showcase the benefits of loving and being loved.

With Valentine’s Day upon us, what better time to add love to our lives? Here are six suggestions:
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Snarkwife’s Googly Woogly Guide To Valentine’s Day

Superman, Can You Read My Mind?: Ladies, if your man isn’t attentive and romantic the other 364 days of the year, don’t pitch a fit and cry and whine about what a loser he is if your Utopian fantasies don’t materialize today. Besides, if he did show up with roses and candy, you’d probably gripe that (a) the roses will die in four days, (b) the candy will make you fat and (c) he only did all of this because he knew you’d get mad if he didn’t. Unless he completely forgets, cut the guy some slack. Having said that…

Embrace Your Inner McDreamy: Men…know your woman. Pay attention. If you hear her say, “Honey…I really like these pajamas and they would make such a fabulous Valentine’s Day gift,” she has just provided you with a clue. Don’t miss it. Trust yourself…you know what makes her happy and if you don’t, well…that’s why God created Walgreens. Hop to it. There’s nothing that drives a woman more wild than a man who appears to give a damn about her thoughts and interests. Seriously. I wouldn’t steer you wrong on this. If you’re so lucky as to have a Kirsten Cohen who will go so far as to flag pages in the Victoria’s Secret catalog (”Did you get me the black with the beige trim, or the beige with the black trim?”), hold her close and never let her go.

None Of That Lover’s Lament Crap: There are infinitely worse things in life than being single on Valentine’s Day. I remember being single on Valentine’s Day, and the day is only as miserable as you make it. If you start out the day hating coupled people and hating Hallmark and hating Walgreens for having shoved the holiday down your throat since January 2…well sheesh…no wonder you’re single. Go out to dinner. Believe me, people aren’t staring at you. They think you’re amazing for having the courage to go out, because they themselves do not possess that courage. Watch American Idol Grey’s Anatomy (updated for 2007!). Give your doggie a smooch and send e-cards to all your friends.

Misty Watercolored Memories: Purge those ghosts of Valentine’s Days Past. I remember…eight years ago, my then-boyfriend had a dozen long-stemmed red roses delivered to me at work. The sentiment fell flat for multiple reasons, one of which being he used his mom’s credit card to order them. He also seemed to get more of a kick out of the attention he got for sending them (we worked together) than whether or not I actually liked them. The only enjoyable part of that day was going to Albertsons after dinner and watching all the misfit men in the Express Lane buying last-minute cards and candy for 75% off.

That is all. Off you go.

Because I know ya’ll were curious…what was in that mysterious package from Mom…

I can’t believe it’s been a week since I last blogged…something strange happened after Christmas, and I sort of forgot to do everything I normally do. Sure, I got up and went to work - and I went to physical therapy…and got my allergy shot…and went grocery shopping…actually, now that I think about it, blogging appears to be the only thing I forgot to do. Go figure.

So…what have we been up to? Well. Christmas was great…and it was fantastic actually having CU around to celebrate it this year, instead of opening gifts and sharing the experience via Yahoo! instant messenger.

Tuesday, we avoided the malls and I experienced my very first Fafarazzi live draft. It was fun…even though we got started late and I was up until close to midnight. I get rather cranky when I’ve missed my sleep window of opportunity, so rounds 8, 9 and 10 were a little sketchy. I think I have a pretty good team though…and am confident. I really, really, really need Philip Seymour Hoffman’s girlfriend to have their baby. One place I heard it was due in November…then another was December 20, so who knows.

Other than that, we’ve just been hanging around the house. I worked, CU read…we braved the mall and experienced The Great Coach Gloves Return Caper, and also watched some movies. After sitting in our DVR for about two months, we finally watched The Aristocrats. Oh. My. God. Seriously, one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen - my cheeks hurt when we finished, because it was so damn funny. If you don’t know the premise, it’s a documentary of sorts where comics of varying ages, genders, colors and personalities share their experience with one specific joke.

The funny thing is the point of the joke is to make it as vile and disgusting and stomach-turning as possible. Let me just say…I will never look at Bob Saget the same way again, especially when combined with his guest-star appearance on Entourage. If you’re offended easily, skip it…because you aren’t the target audience. I highly recommend it though, if you have a stomach of steel and you won’t spend the next week complaining about how “inappropriate” it was.

What else happened…CU dropped a bottle of nail polish while trying to clean out all the expired drugs from our medicine cabinet, prompted by a gloom-and-doom Good Morning America segment we saw at the gym that morning. The bottle shattered all over the bathroom counter, the wall, our electric toothbrush, the garbage can, the floor, CU and the towel he had swathed around his McSteamyish hips. I swear, the funny just keeps coming around our house.

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Well, another Christmas is upon us. No white Christmas for us, though. At one point last week, someone “Couldn’t rule out the possibility of some stray flurries” when in fact, it started raining yesterday morning and went clear through the day…then the evening…then overnight. Too bad it didn’t freeze overnight, or all of the puddles and ponds in our backyard would have made for some sweet ice skating this morning.

You know, for many people, Christmas is a time of tradition. As CU and I sit here…after opening the gifts, and cleaning up the mess, and watching Cookie’s tiny head nearly explode from all the overstimulation, and drinking the mimosas…I think about some of my favorite Christmas traditions…

Tradition #1 - All participants in morning gift-opening must have some sort of beverage prepared before the gift opening can begin. This one goes back to when I was little. The most agonizing part was that although it took about ten seconds to pour me a glass of juice, Mom’s circa-1978 Mr. Coffee Brew-o-matic 9000, I swear, took half an hour to brew a pot of coffee. No “pause ‘n pour” features back then…oh no…back then you had to freaking wait until the whole pot was made before you could pour anything. Now though, I can crank out a cup of coffee very quickly, and CU’s glass of water is a virtual no-brainer…but no unwrapping may occur before we have our beverages. This is sacred.

Tradition #2 - Leaving milk and cookies for Santa. I haven’t done this since I left home, but I do remember the pivotal year when I started leaving wine and cheese for Santa instead of more inocuous snacks. Had I know then what I know now though, I never would have encouraged drinking & Santa-ing.

Tradition #3 - CU and I purchasing the same thing for each other. I don’t know if this is a by-product of eight Christmases together, or that we’re just a lot alike…but three years ago, we bought Ove-Gloves for each other. To enhance the fun, my mother-in-law bought one for us, as well. Last year, 8,000 miles apart, we bought each other a copy of Sideways on DVD and this year…we both got iPod Shuffles. Technically, Mom bought CU’s, but I was going to get him one, then offered it up to her as a perfect son-in-law gift idea. Can’t wait for next year…maybe we’ll buy his ‘n hers 72-inch plasma TVs.

Tradition #4 - Christmas Eve dinner at The Melting Pot. CU and I have done this every year we’ve been together, except for the first one, as he went back to North Carolina to visit his family. When Mom lived here, we took her with…and when CU was gone last year, I went with Ali (formerly of ladymac dot com) and her husband and kids. Yum-o. This naturally, lends itself to another unintentional holiday tradition, which is immediately changing clothes and showering after returning home, since every pore on our bodies and every fiber of our clothing smells like coq au vin cooking broth. Blech-o.

Tradition #5 - Ever since I was old enough to rot my teeth with sugar, Mom has gotten me one of those candy canes filled with M&M’s. When I was younger, it went into my stocking…and when I stopped opening a stocking at her house, she started packing it away cleverly with other gifts. This year, it came inside a sewing basket. Personally, I think all sewing baskets should now come with chocolate in addition to pins, needles, thread and scissors. I’ll add that to Snarkwife’s Holiday Shopping list for next year.

Awww…it’s all so warm and fuzzy…even by Snarkwife standards. Tradition is fun. Tradition is good. Fun is good.

As a postscript…remember that one package from my mom…the one Cookie kept scratching at? Turns out, it was pajamas for me. Cookie stuck her head into the empty box and rooted around for about thirty seconds. No matter what we told her, we’re pretty sure she was still convinced we’d hidden Grandma in there and were just not letting her out to be mean. Because, you know, we’re like that. We enjoy laughing at an aging blind poodle’s expense.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

She’s still at it…

We had some fun holiday drama last night here at Casa de Snark. Let me preface this by saying, Cookie and Daisy love, love, love my mom…Cookie, especially. My mom came down to Sacramento to visit me the day after I got Cookie (10 years and 7 days ago), so it would seem likely she’d have a pretty strong bond with her.

They spent lots of time with my mom when she lived here in Dallas for a few years, and now we only see Mom a couple times a year, but both dogs get eerily excited and giddy and they pace and growl and their ears perk up when I say the word, “Grandma.”

Last night, at…ahem…7:40 p.m., the UPS guy showed up to deliver Package 1 of 2 from my mom, with Christmas presents. We’re assuming Package 2 of 2 is CU’s box…since the first one had stuff for the dogs and three gifts for me…CU wasn’t that naughty this past year. Anyhoo, I unpacked the gifts and put them under the tree. Immediately, both Cookie and Daisy began sniffing one gift in particular like drug dogs in Miami who had hit the Colombian mother lode. Obviously, the paper must have smelled like Mom.

“Awww, how cute…I should get a video of this to send to Mom…would probably make her cry,” I said. Not more than sixty seconds after I said that, a fight broke out between Cookie and Daisy. A fight. Imagine the NBA brawl from last week…that’s pretty close to the level we had to break up. I almost started laughing though, when CU had contained Cookie, because her mouth was still going full-tilt, with full toothitude. I’m sure she was still growling smack at Daisy with some sort of “Bring it on!” action.

Speaking of full toothitude, CU’s arm came between Cookie and, I assume, what she thought was Daisy. You know those photos when people are bitten by a snake, and you see four distinct tooth marks? This was better, because there were only three…Cookie’s not quite as fierce since she had one of her fangs removed a couple of years ago.

After the altercation, we calmed everyone down…distracted them for a few minutes, then Cookie decided she was going to break Grandma out of Gift Jail. She kept scratching at the gift…and scratching…and scratching…willing us to release Grandma so she could kiss her to death. I finally did catch it on video, while talking to Mom and regaling her with stories about how her granddogs got into a raging pawfight over her.

Silly dogs. After about three more minutes of scratching, we finally distracted Cookie for good with a doggie treat. Food always trumps Grandma.

If you’re really hard up for a last-minute gift idea…teehee…

I’m going to unabashedly rip her off and ask the age-old, yet timely question…which Christmas song would you eliminate from the airwaves, television, commercials and the iTunes Music Store if you could?

For me…I’d obliterate everything from the Jessica Simpson Christmas Songbook. Generally, everyone sounds good singing Christmas carols - except her.

And on the flip side…which songs do you love? For me, it’s “Christmas Wrapping” by The Waitresses (so retro), Christina Aguilera’s version of “This Christmas” and Amy Grant’s “Grown-up Christmas List.”

This time last year, I was sitting around, twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the blasted holiday season to be over.

Because I wanted to ensure CU’s Christmas presents made it to him before he returned, I gave myself a deadline of the Monday after Thanksgiving to have everything bought, wrapped and shipped. While I was at it, I figured, why not do the same for everyone else?

And so I did…the Monday after Thanksgiving last year, everyone’s Christmas gifts were shipped - and if I recall, the Christmas cards went out December 1. That’s a pretty general thing for me - I like to get my cards done and out early. Because of all that, I had roughly a month with nothing to really do…and very little new television, to boot.

This year was a whole other ball of wax. I blame the Corporate Holiday Party, which ripped from my delicate little hands very valuable weekend time. We usually trim our tree and put up all the decorations the first weekend in December…but thought ahead and did all of that while Mom was here over Thanksgiving.

The cards have trickled out over the past few days…and all of the Christmas packages were finally UPS’d out yesterday. I’m waiting on one more gift for CU, then he’s done.

One guy I worked with was stunned and amazed I had “so much done so early.” Whaa?

Please tell me I’m not the only one out there who prefers to do all this earlier rather than later.

HOLIDAY SUPER CRUISING MISSION #10
December 8th

Your mission for today is to wrap and decorate!!! Set your timer for 15 minutes and see how many packages you can get wrapped! Have fun and enjoy this! Put on some Holiday music and get into the spirit of the season.

For an added bonus mission, set your timer for another 15 minutes and set out some of the Holiday decorations that you have not gotten up yet and/or set your holiday cards that you have received out for display.

We are having fun this season by FLYing 15 minutes at a time!!!

Fly Lady must be on some serious meth this season…it is physiologically impossible for me to have fun while doing something for 15 minutes with a timer ticking in the background. I spent half an hour wrapping CU’s presents yesterday, and just about burst into tears because I couldn’t get my ribbon into the right kind of bow…and I didn’t even have a timer.

This is truly what some kids need this holiday season…an evening in the slammer.

COLUMBIA, South Carolina (AP) — A fed-up mother had her 12-year-old son arrested for allegedly rummaging through his great-grandmother’s things and playing with his Christmas present early.

The mother called police Sunday after learning her son had disobeyed orders and repeatedly taken a Game Boy from its hiding place at his great-grandmother’s house next door and played it.

He was arrested on petty larceny charges, taken to the police station in handcuffs and held until his mother picked him up after church.

“My grandmother went out of her way to lay away a toy and paid on this thing for months,” said the boy’s mother, Brandi Ervin. “It was only to teach my son a lesson. He’s been going through life doing things … and getting away with it.”

Police did not release the boy’s name.

The mother said that her son was found in the last year to have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, but that his medicine does not seem to help.

Couldn’t be the kid is just a brat with no boundaries and no respect for anything or anyone (in which case, Mom’s presents should be confiscated, too)…nooooooo…we have to put the ADHD spin on it.

It’s like a holiday Mad Lib…

‘Twas the night before Sunday, and all through the hotel,
I thought, “I don’t want to go to this party…it’s gonna be hell.”
The open bar was stocked with the finest of liquors,
In hopes that would result in plenty of snickers.

The employees were nestled all snug at each table,
While I wondered to myself, what was showing tonight on cable.
And CU in his slacks, and I in my silk sweater,
Had just settled down, to take in the show much better.

When out on the dance floor there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to my camera I flew, activating the flash,
Hit the Power button and zoomed, oh this photo would garner some cash!

The beam of the strobe light, the thump of the bass,
Gave way to a scene exhibiting shockingly little grace.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Dunder-Mifflin sandwich…co-workers grinding, peer-on-peer!

(more…)

Well folks, we’re down to the home stretch…only a mere 24 days until Christmas. We’re all adults here, and as adults we know sometimes our, ahem, romantic relationships need a little extra…kick. What better gift to give than the gift of spicy ginger, partnered with the odd hilarity of cookies having sex!

I don’t know what else to really say, because I’m still laughing at the book’s cover photo, so I’ll let the good people at Drugstore.com do the work for me:

“Where imaginations are fertile, love will never grow stale, nor crumble.”

Birds do it, bees do it. And guess what - cookies do it, too. In fact, never have a pair of gingerbread cookies looked so pleased. Yes, the “Kama Sutra” meets the “Joy of Cooking”. Featuring an unabashed gingerbread couple, who are photographed in unflinching full color, the Cookie Sutra is a recipe for pleasure.

There is The First Posture, where two are yoked as one (yet the calorie count remains unchanged). The Pair of Tongs, allowing the woman to be open, free, sweet and crunchy. Pounding the Spot, requiring the suppleness of freshly rolled dough. There is Scissors, Autumn Dog, Tripod, The Wheelbarrow, The Snake Trap. And, for the advanced and adventurous, The Suspended Congress - great care must be taken lest the cookies crumble.

I heart the holidays…

Office holiday parties are really, really strange. I have fond memories of my office party deflowering, when I was in college. One of my co-workers hit on the president of the company, then threw up all over the dance floor. Ah, good times. I suspect this is why they didn’t invite the temps the next year.

Over the years, I learned that “cocktail attire” means different things to different people at an office party. When I worked in California, we had people show up in Wranglers and plaid shirts, complaining they shouldn’t be expected to buy “fancy clothes” because they didn’t make enough money. Another year, one of the administrative assistants showed up dressed like a Love Boat spokesmodel.

You know that general piece of advice about how you shouldn’t get totally drunk at the holiday party? I had managers and directors who didn’t get that memo.

(more…)

My punchline: Because some numbnut doesn’t know how to park, and took up both of the remaining parking spaces.
The real punchline: Because it was the chicken’s day off.

Well, the wheels are in motion for Thanksgiving…the food is bought, the guest bedroom has been upgraded, a pie and a cake will be going into the oven tonight…and Mama Snark will be here tomorrow afternoon.

As if things couldn’t get any better, we’re pulling the shorts back out since it’s supposed to be eighty degrees. Yahoo.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours…maybe I can talk Mama Snark into providing a little input into Friday’s edition of Audiosnarking.

Look! Rachael Ray has a holiday CD!

It includes such hits as:

• I Saw Mommy Kissing Paula Deen
  
• All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Santoku Knives
• Bacon-Wrapped Christmas
• Jingle Sammies
• Giada, Did You Know?
• The Thirty Minutes of Christmas

(more…)

Is there someone in your life who values her (or his, I suppose) personal vanity over paying the electric bill? If so, have I got the gift for you..that’s right folks, it’s Lumatweez…lighted tweezers!

Here are just a few of the literally, 986 benefits of this amazing product!

• Lighted magnification
• Precision tweezers
• Never slips (which is great, because you wouldn’t be able to find them in the dark, anyway)
• Stainless steel
• Easily removes ingrown hairs and stubble!

So this holiday season, if your friends and loved ones are sitting in the dark (sorry, Lumatweez will not work if your friends and family are figuratively “in the dark”), lighten and brighten their lives with the most thoughtful gift of all…the gift of Lumatweez!

Halloween, typically, is about scary things…so let me tell you about my scariest Halloween experience. Actually, this experience lasted from about the week before Halloween up until right after my birthday, so I had residual Halloween spookitude.

Back in 1994, I worked at a bank and became friends with a co-worker we’ll call Psycho Psarah. She was everything I sort of aspired to be - she had a new red Saturn coupe (leased, I found out later, for $450 a month), a cool apartment in a cool area of town, and fun friends. Not that I didn’t have fun friends at the time…but these folks were just…different. How different, you might ask?

Well, Psycho Psarah had a guy friend we’ll call…Obsessed Otto. The three of us got together for brunch one Sunday morning and I guess he became smitten with me, and asked me out. He picked me up at my apartment and we went to this big haunted house which was “the thing to do” at the time. When he dropped me off at my apartment afterwards, I was polite and invited him in. I had a roommate so nothing was going to happen, but the guy wouldn’t leave. He wasn’t all over me or anything; quite the contrary, he was a real gentleman…but again, he wouldn’t leave. It was a work night, it was 11:30 - I needed my beauty sleep. Nice enough guy, but I just didn’t think we clicked.

Unfortunately, he thought we clicked a lot and yapped to Psycho Psarah the next day about our fantastic date. Well, she called me at work and went on and on and ON about how Otto thought I was cool and isn’t that cute and…I don’t know, I got a weird vibe…like she was pissed her friend was interested in me (sidenote: She always claimed to have a boyfriend, who lived out of town, but I never met the guy - we’ll call him George Glass, since he was supposed to visit three times and never materialized). This didn’t really worry me or anything, because I was young, and had no idea yet that people could be so disturbingly strange.

A few days later, pshe called me and invited me to a Halloween party at one of her friend’s houses. You’d think after her pissiness the previous week I would have run, run, RUN away from anything having to do with her, but no. You’d also think she wouldn’t invite me anywhere since apparently I was taking her non-boyfriend away from her, but it is stories like this which make us into the wiser adults we are today.

(more…)

I don’t know about you, but when I think of buying toys for children, three words come to mind: teaching them responsibility.

Fortunately, the fine people at Mattel have answered the collective prayers of parents and relatives of children everywhere by introducing the Barbie Forever Barbie Doll with Tanner the Dog.

Here are a few of the toy’s notable features:

* Tanner is soft and fuzzy and her mouth, ears, head and tail really move

* You can open Tanner’s mouth and feed her dog biscuits

* Comes with dog bone and chew toy that Tanner can hold in her mouth

* When Tanner has to go to the bathroom Barbie cleans up with the magnetic scooper

CU and I saw Tanner, ahem, “in action” on the news this morning, and predict her popularity will only be surpassed by Methelmo this holiday season.

I know…I’m getting an early start this season. It’s just when I stumble across an item which, frankly, begs to be blogged, I can’t just file it away and bring it back in three weeks…I’d lose momentum and half of blogging is doing it when the mood strikes.

Are you looking for the perfect holiday gift for that special person in your life who just won’t shut up? You know the one I’m talking about - it might be one of your friends, or a co-worker, or a sibling. Every time you talk to him/her, you feel you’re being judged. Hell, it’s not just a feeling…you know you’re being judged. So what if you’re an unmarried crack whore with no backbone and 22 million dollars in credit card debt…you don’t know me!

Well, give your favorite moral & ethical busybody the gift that keeps on giving…the Dr. Laura Action Figure. That’s right folks, she comes to you dressed conservatively in a flattering lemon-colored suit, and spouts off 23 different phrases when you press her button. Seriously, that’s what the description says.

I so need to get one of these for use exclusively on my weekly staff calls.

Boss Lady: “So Stacy, what’s new with you this week?”

Snarkwife: “Are you sure this is the hill you want to die on?”

**OR**

Snarkwife: “Proud mom of an American soldier.”

Oh yeah. Must buy.

Superman, Can You Read My Mind?: Ladies, if your man isn’t attentive and romantic the other 364 days of the year, don’t pitch a fit and cry and whine about what a loser he is if your Utopian fantasies don’t materialize today. Besides, if he did show up with roses and candy, you’d probably gripe that (a) the roses will die in four days, (b) the candy will make you fat and (c) he only did all of this because he knew you’d get mad if he didn’t. Unless he completely forgets, cut the guy some slack. Having said that…

Embrace Your Inner McDreamy: Men…know your woman. Pay attention. If you hear her say, “Honey…I really like these pajamas and they would make such a fabulous Valentine’s Day gift,” she has just provided you with a clue. Don’t miss it. Trust yourself…you know what makes her happy and if you don’t, well…that’s why God created Walgreens. Hop to it. There’s nothing that drives a woman more wild than a man who appears to give a damn about her thoughts and interests. Seriously. I wouldn’t steer you wrong on this. If you’re so lucky as to have a Kirsten Cohen who will go so far as to flag pages in the Victoria’s Secret catalog (”Did you get me the black with the beige trim, or the beige with the black trim?”), hold her close and never let her go.

None Of That Lover’s Lament Crap: There are infinitely worse things in life than being single on Valentine’s Day. I remember being single on Valentine’s Day, and the day is only as miserable as you make it. If you start out the day hating coupled people and hating Hallmark and hating Walgreens for having shoved the holiday down your throat since January 2…well sheesh…no wonder you’re single. Go out to dinner. Believe me, people aren’t staring at you. They think you’re amazing for having the courage to go out, because they themselves do not possess that courage. Watch American Idol. Give your doggie a smooch and send e-cards to all your friends.

Misty Watercolored Memories: Purge those ghosts of Valentine’s Days Past. I remember…eight years ago, my then-boyfriend had a dozen long-stemmed red roses delivered to me at work. The sentiment fell flat for multiple reasons, one of which being he used his mom’s credit card to order them. He also seemed to get more of a kick out of the attention he got for sending them (we worked together) than whether or not I actually liked them. The only enjoyable part of that day was going to Albertsons after dinner and watching all the misfit men in the Express Lane buying last-minute cards and candy for 75% off.

That is all. Off you go.

The UberHusband and I have tickets to go to the big shindig at the DFW Hyatt this year.

I had a nail appointment at 9 this morning, I have a hair appointment at 2 and then we’re off to our luxurious airport runway-view room to nosh on cheese & crackers and partake in a bott