It’s almost Mother’s Day, and we know what that means…time to pander to all the moms out there by pointing out how much they “should” be getting paid.

I hate these articles, studies, analyses, whatever you want to call them. Want to know why? Because motherhood is a lifestyle choice. It is not a job.

As a comparison, I have two dogs…and have had them for 9 and 11 years, respectively. They are living creatures which require that I tend to their needs or they will die. Getting these dogs was a lifestyle choice. While I realize Poodle and Schnoozer will not be contributing to society, it is my responsibility to make sure I have raised them so they don’t annoy the crap out of everyone with their barking, or run around loose and bite people or defecate on other people’s lawns. Sadly, I wish more parents would raise their children with the same basic level of respect for others.

Having said that, I do not raise my fist in solidarity with other pet owners, demanding that some entity appreciate my sacrifices and pay me for my many pet owner-associated jobs which include pet food nutritionist, veterinarian, groomer, personal trainer, and behaviorist.

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Ah yes, the tide-turning words Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery Ghandi spoke to Izzie last night on Grey’s Anatomy…so true. Yes. So true.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m about to embark on a new semester tomorrow, or because I’m going through my bi-annual Work at Home Funk…but that quote really hit a nerve with me. I so desperately want to be the change I wish to see in the world, especially on a professional level. I keep thinking that if I lead by example…good things might happen, and some sort of positive change will be effected.

But, kinda like Izzie, I keep losing the lion fights. I keep jumping in - I suppose - because I am hard-wired biologically to do so. Either that or I’m that gazelle on National Geographic who simply does a good job of hiding and running between safe spot and safe spot, thinking she’s in the fight when she’s really not.

Gah. Listen to me. As excited as I am when each semester ends because really, I need the break…I actually do look forward to school starting up again. It sounds rather pathetic, but during those twelve consecutive weeks, three times a year…I feel smart. I feel like I can do more than quote Grey’s Anatomy, tell you in what country Mariah Carey picked up a marriage license this week, and explain to our technical support folks for the eighty bajillionth time that Windows XP is not a browser.

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Bush: Tax rebate checks are on their way - USA Today

What are you doing with yours, assuming you’re getting one? We’re getting a rebate check…but barely.

Our plan is to cash it (or rather, withdraw it since it will be directly deposited to our bank account), stick it into the Fun Fund and then do something really sexy with it for our Hawaii trip in September…like use it to pay for doggie boarding.

Could you go without your computer for a day?

Man, that’s like asking me to go without air…or water…or Twitter.

I was very proud of myself on Tuesday. CU and I were on a brisk 30-minute walk when I declared, “I think we can leave the laptop at home when we go to Chicago this weekend.”

The scary thing though, was CU countered with all sorts of if/then statements like, “Well, if we do need to print something out, then there’s a business center.” When was the last time we ever printed anything on vacation? Um…never. “Well, if we need directions to someplace…then I guess we could call and ask.” It was a weird conversation.

But leaving the computer completely off on May 3? Sadly, I cannot turn my computer off for the whole day. The Summer semester starts on May 3. What if I turn the computer on, print out my syllabi and then immediately turn it back off? Would that count?

I saw jelly shoes at DSW Shoes over the weekend. I was perusing the aisles looking for some kicky new Spring sandals and found…a fashion fad from my high school years.

I didn’t know whether to be excited that everything which is old is becoming new (except me), or horrified that Steve Madden has the gall to charge $30 a pair.

We snuck out of work early on Friday and went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Figured that was a safe bet, as we’d be able to dodge the Teenage Brigade…they weren’t out of school yet. Ha!

Seriously though, both CU and I thought the movie was great. Perfect casting. Everyone is great…everyone is funny…there’s nothing I enjoy more now than a great adult comedy. This one wasn’t even a gross-out comedy. There are a few references, but it’s nothing that made me blush. And I’ve seen a naked man before, so the vision of Jason Segal in all his nakeditude wasn’t all that shocking.

I’m not really one for detail-by-detail movie reviews, especially when they usually sound like reviews the pros have already written. It’s funny. Me like. You go see. You like, too.

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Today is my fourth blogiversary.

I’m celebrating by getting my hair highlighted and reading old recaps of The Amazing Race and one-hit wonders like North Shore, Celebrity Poker Showdown and LAX.

I can’t believe it’s been four years. This also means it’s only seven days until my fourth anniversary with my company, at which time I acquire a coveted extra PTO day. Go me.

Is There Room for Emotions in the Workplace? - Knowledge@Emory

I’d like to get some opinions on this article…because I think that even though women have made great strides in the workplace in the last thirty years, we still have an uphill battle. Sadly, I’ve seen this in my current job and in past jobs…and I expect to encounter it to an even greater degree after I finish…well, my degree.

It has been very easy for me not to take on the “mom” role on the job, because I’m not a mom. Of course, when the author is advising women not take on the “mom” role at work, they’re referring to the nurturing aspect of motherhood.

I was involved in an inter-departmental scuffle one time, and our boss actually told us we were all like her children and we needed to learn how to get along. That would be great, except I couldn’t kick the offending co-worker in the nuts like I could have if he were actually my sibling. Although I have viewed co-workers as petulant children, that’s from the perspective of a responsibility-taking adult, not a mom.

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• Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boxes - that “push in and pull back to open” directive never seems to work the way it is intended.
• Jon & Kate Plus Eight - Why on Earth are they letting their 7-year old daughter get her ears pierced, when she still can’t manage to get her teeth brushed? Gross!
• The writer of the op/ed letter, “Dallas minors raising babies” in the Dallas Morning News. Seriously, if you actually think these situations aren’t apples and…forget oranges, let’s try apples and staplers, then your head isn’t screwed on straight. Right. It’s because those kids are white. Sheesh. This level of ignorance frightens me.
• The fact that Daisy seems to love going for a walk…for about ten minutes. Then she decides the sky is falling and does everything within her power (and resistance of her leash) to get back home. Then once we’re back inside, she’s dying to go out again.
• How Kristy Lee Cook managed to stick around on American Idol until last night.
• Why I can’t play Mesmo’s TV Squares on my PC. Doesn’t work in Firefox, doesn’t work in IE.
• The price of used textbooks. It was nuts nearly twenty years ago, and it still is today. Thank God for Half.com.
• Why my neighbors across the street haven’t cleaned up the dead bird on the sidewalk in front of their house. I see them walk past it at least half a dozen times a day.
• Bloggers who pander to their audiences, and try to sound way cooler than they really are. Why not just be yourself?
• How some of the folks in my MBA program are managing to pass their classes. Please tell me I won’t have to compete with these people for jobs.
• Why one of the neighborhood kids can’t get up five minutes earlier. I’ve watched him literally run for the bus every day this week. He just passed my house.
• Why when I single-click a .csv file on my Mac, 50% of the time it lets me change the file name (which is what I want to do), and the other 50% of the time it launches Excel. That isn’t what I want to do.
• Why I can’t manage to blog more during school. Maybe I need to schedule it in…like a root canal.

You all know CU spent a year in Iraq. Prior to that Jim, one of his best friends, was “reactivated” but was fortunate enough to spend his tour someplace in Missouri - which in some circles is a fate worse than Iraq. Literally, about three days after Jim’s “tour” ended, Seth got his letter in the mail.

We used to joke that Jim was forced to hand over the names and addresses of known accomplices to keep the ranks strong. Then, we joked that his other Army buddy Leo was safe because so much time had passed since CU had gotten back. No way they could still be calling IRR guys up, right?

Well, this morning I found out Leo was called back up to active duty and has to report to Fort Jackson in May. Then he’s off to…who knows. Likely Iraq. To add insult to injury, he got the letter the day before he went to Maui with his girlfriend for a week. At least we found out on the back-end of a fun trip.

The really weird thing…Leo got out of the Army about the same time CU did, so he’s been off active duty…nine years? He’s got a gun-toting job with the US Government now though, so it isn’t like he hasn’t held a firearm in a decade. Odd thing though, we thought he’d had to resign his commission when he took his gun-toting job. Guess not.

I also guess it’s time for me to ask Leo what his favorite TV shows are, and to fire up the DVD ripper. That’s always my contribution to deployment…television shows.

So, Ben’s over at his site posting prom pictures (Hee! Check out the facial hair!) and imploring the rest of us to do so.

So…I went looking for my prom picture. If I do recall, I threw away every “official” prom picture I had, because my boyfriend and I had a very tumultuous relationship. Think Michael and Jan, only without the violence…or the video camera. Anyhoo, I dug through three boxes of pictures and found this little gem.

I also found pictures of what our breakfast nook looked like before we gave it a lobotomy, Daisy in her younger (although just as strange) years, a pic of the day I got my drivers license, and her prom picture.

Now…there’s an interesting story…Sheri and I double-dated on prom night, and it was one of the more uncomfortable meals I’d had. Think Michael and Jan, only without the osso bucco.

Now it’s your turn. Put up the prom pictures. It can’t be any worse than mine…I’m wearing a polka-dotted dress for cripes sake, and my date is wearing a fuschia cummerbund and bowtie.

While I liked the theme I’ve been using the past week or so, I’m not a fan of how it fubars my de.licio.us Daily Links post and how it isn’t really optimal for days when I have multiple posts.

So, we’ll try this one…and I’ll be off fixing the CSS since as you can see…well, you can’t see a lot of things.

I’ll also try to figure out why I”m getting all sorts of “headers already sent” errors since activating this theme. Cripes, if it’s not one thing…it’s another.

Aha…there’s an extra line in the functions.php file. Now let’s see if I can clear the error in the RSS feed by updating this post…

First off, thanks to everyone who commented and emailed me about yesterday’s storm. I appreciate it, and am incredibly grateful that we have power…and that bits and pieces of our house didn’t wind up in our pool (if we had one), in other people’s yards, or down the street.

Things are starting to look better around here. What I have always found rather amusing about destructive storms is the joke nature plays by ordering up beautiful weather the next day. Once the haze burned off yesterday morning, it was warm and sunny. Perfect damage-assessing weather.

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No…that’s not our house. It’s our next-door neighbor’s house. Thankfully.

So let’s back up a few hours. I went to bed last night, expecting to be woken up (for the second night in a row) by overnight storms. What I didn’t expect was to be woken up by our local tornado siren at 3:58 AM. Now here’s what gets me - the stupid thing didn’t sound anything like the siren I hear during the “testing” that takes place the first Wednesday of every month at noon. To be honest, it sounded like that humming noise you hear from live power lines…only really loud.

I didn’t hear any wind or thunder, and I didn’t see any lightning…so I opened up the back door to hear where the sound was coming from. It was coming from the back of the house…and about 1/4 mile down the street is where the siren is. I was 45% awake at this point, so I put two and two together…got 3.5…and then went to grab Cookie and my iPhone, and yell for Daisy to follow me into the Panic Room (aka, the guest bathroom). I got the dogs in there and then went for pillows and blankets and just as soon as I shut the door, the wind started.

Total time elapsed: 90 seconds

There’s nothing quite like sitting in your Panic Room with the world swirling around you outside…I’ve now experienced this twice in the 6 1/2 years we’ve lived in this house. The first time was last year. Ironically, CU has been gone both times. I’m beginning to think he knows something I don’t.

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I have all sorts of interesting stories from previous jobs, most of which I have filed away in the “Don’t be ‘that’ boss when you grow up” mental folder.

Now that I’m approaching four years removed from my last job, I think it’s probably safe for me to tell that interesting tale. I had worked at the company for about a year and a half, and had just come back from a wonderful week off at Christmas. I was immediately summoned to my boss’s office, where she introduced me to a man I’ll call Pointy Haired Non-Boss and told me she had a great opportunity for me if I was up for the challenge. But, she said it in that, “It doesn’t really matter if you’re up for it, you’re going to do it anyway” tone of voice. I was being promoted to Project Manager and was tasked with rolling out a rather significant new product…in six weeks.

I had been in that position before - in the job I left three years before that. I’m not one to back down from a challenge, but when I’m backed into a corner and fight really isn’t an option anymore, your only other option is flight - and I said as much to my boss. “You know, the last time I was put in this sort of position, I wound up quitting the job.”

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At lunch today I was watching The Hills (yeah, I know…hence the blog title) and realized how dramatically different my life was at 22 than Lauren’s life. For example…

• Lauren drives a brand spankin’ new BMW…I drove a highly oxidized 1985 Nissan 200SX with only three hubcaps.
• Lauren hung out at S Bar on her 22nd birthday. I think my friends and I went to TGI Friday’s.
• Lauren has a “sort of boyfriend, sort of friend” in Brody and they can’t seem to just call off the flirtation and move on. Okay, I kind of had that going on with me, too.
• When Lauren wants to talk to one of her friends from work, she can either text or call on her cell phone. I had to hide in a conference room on my break and use the phone in there.
• I bought most of my clothes at Ross. I don’t think that’s where Lauren shops.
• Lauren lives in the oh-so-sexy “Hillside Villas” (okay, they don’t really live there…), and I lived in the hood - which apparently, has been completely renovated. For the record, back in ‘95 when I lived there - I paid $480 a month with all the move-in specials.
• Lauren goes to sexy restaurants for dinner with friends. We usually went and got Taco Bell, then went back to someone’s house to watch The X Files.
• Lauren has to deal with an immature, whiny, pain-in-the-ass freak spreading rumors about her. I dodged that bullet. My guy friends had more class than that…and spent most of their time playing Doom, anyway.
• My sunglasses weren’t as big.

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When I was in high school, a group of my friends decided to go see George Michael at Arco Arena in Sacramento. I was invited but had to decline, because Mom said no. I was too young, too far to go, blah, blah, blah. I was crushed. I was a huge George Michael fan and wanted to go sooooo badly. But nooooo…Mom wouldn’t let me go. Didn’t matter that I’d be going with the Student Body President, the answer was no.

Pout.

Now though…it seems as though I am getting my second chance, as CU and I have tickets to see him in July. This is sort of an extremely belated birthday present, since the tickets CU got for us to go see Billy Joel back in December never showed up. After fighting with PayPal for three months we did finally get our money back but nevertheless, I never got to see the concert.

It’s really sort of tragic in retrospect, that my first concert wound up being Bell Biv Devoe instead of George Michael.

Alrighty. Now that the pesky Spring semester is out of the way, I can get back to blogging.

So what’s going on with all of you? All six of you who have the sticktuitiveness to still swing by here from time to time to see if I’m ever coming back out of the cave, that is. Any big plans for the weekend? CU and I are going to Roy’s tonight so I can get drunk off Hawaiian martinis and then…get this…I have no other plans for the weekend.

Let me say that again…I have no other plans for the weekend. Ooooh, I could just squeal with glee at the happiness saying that brings me. CU muttered something about doing yard work, since it’s the first truly nice weekend of the season…but I guess that’s his idea of how to relax after reading my research proposal fifteen times.

Although I haven’t been blogging all that much, I have been Twittering and Facebooking (thanks, Adelle) a lot. There’s nothing like a good game of Scramble to clear all that nonsense about null hypotheses and literature reviews out of your head, you know? By the by, if you’re on Facebook…drop me an email at snarkwifedotcomATgmail.com and let me know. If I know who you are, we can “socially network.” Isn’t that what the kids are calling it these days?

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I faithfully followed the flock, and successfully upgraded (well, except for my Compact Archives plug-in) my blog to WordPress 2.5.

If you don’t have this handy dandy little plug-in, I highly recommend it. For someone who’s petrified of doing anything to her blog..this really helps me stay up-to-date.

I’m going to be making some updates (it’s Spring…out with the old, in with the new), so if things look a little strange, you’ll know why.

In other news…want to know why ATA went out of business? Sure, they lost their military charter contract but gee…how about a little false advertising to go along with it?

Yeah, I’m actually writing a blog post…can you believe it? So much for Blog 365! Eh, it was probably a lofty goal to begin with but when school (or more specifically, my Applied Research Methods class) began to sprout fangs and take on a life of its own…there was little I could do except roll over and submit.

Until today.

Today I finished my research proposal and I kid you not, when I declared it 100% complete I looked out the window of my office and the clouds began to part. I actually snickered out loud at this realization.

Anyhoo, it has been an ugly semester but I am just a couple of days away from completion. Sure, I still have my Strategic Marketing final to take but it’s only worth 15% of my final grade, and I have until Friday to take it.

But, I am still here. I briefly thought about putting up a photo of my 36-year old paunchy tummy and letting everyone in on the big secret as to why I’ve been gone for so long since I guess, flowing clothes = baby bump and not bloating, as I’ve been leading myself to believe all these years. Go figure.

Seriously though, I have a ton of things to talk about…Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, The Bachelor: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious…and what about all those NBC shows we have starting back up this Thursday?

Best of all…did ya’ll hear about the Robin Sparkles b-side ballad? Word.

Sorry to blog and run, but I need to go get my head re-wrapped around the ideas of strategic planning versus strategic thinking. Back soon!

By the by…any advice on the big WordPress 2.5 upgrade? Hey, just because I’ve been living under a rock doesn’t mean my Google Reader feeds don’t work.

it’s not brain surgery/rocket science:

Tired and obvious statement used to convey the simple nature of a task that is in reality daunting; can be employed to intentionally mislead someone, like a new trainee, who is being given a near-impossible task that many who have gone before have failed to accomplish.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

I never went the intern route…I actually had to make money to pay my bills…but I had a couple of college roommates who were fortunate enough to be able to take unpaid jobs which at least sort-of related to their career aspirations. But hey, at least I developed some kick-ass data entry skills.

intern:

A person, most often of college age, who works for no or low wages and who is referred to by hardened staffers as a “slave” and subject to humiliation and lascivious comments by said staffers; instantly identifiable by their palpable and oppressively inappropriate excitement regarding any task; a grim reminder of you in your youth, when you had hope, energy, promise, and a physique reasonably attractive to potential suitors.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

invisible:

The condition of being unable to be seen; what you become when someone you know is around you but does not want to be associated with you, usually because he or she is kissing the ass of someone more important nearby; also, a mutual invisibility that occurs when two parties make an unspoken agreement to not see each other, such as when you still run into someone you briefly dealt with three years before and neither of you can muster the energy to say hi to each other anymore.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

So it seems rather odd to say this in light of having snow on the ground four out of five days this week (Texas is so odd…we get snow in March)…but Daylight Saving Time begins this weekend.

I’m a big fan of Daylight Saving Time because it generally keeps me from putting on my pajamas at 5:15 in the afternoon, but the downside of kicking over to it this early is it will be dark outside until about 8:30 in the morning. I’m not nuts about that.

Nevertheless, don’t forget to change your clocks this weekend if you’re like CU and me, who bought one of those slick “auto-change” clock radios a year before the Daylight Saving Time dates changed and still have to manually do it anyway.

That actually brings up an interesting question. Inevitably, there’s one clock in our collective lives which doesn’t get changed for about a month, if even then. For us, it’s the wall clock in the dining room. Shows you how much we use that room, doesn’t it? It usually also takes me about a week to remember to change the clock in the Jeep. I’ll remember to do it this weekend though, because I also have to change out the registration sticker.

What about you? Which clock never seems to get updated?

For the record, even though CU left work early yesterday (snowflakes! big snowflakes!)…he did go in on time today.

commute:

The journey to and from work, which, sadly, may be the best part of your day because you don’t have to deal with your coworkers; may also be an extremely excruciating experience because you must sit in your car for an hour in traffic, stand next to a foul-smelling person on public transportation, or carpool with people you hate; at the slightest indication of inclement weather, employees who travel from the suburbs, no matter how close, will use their commute as an excuse to not come in, to work from home, or to leave early.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

Yeah, so when the tile guys finished busting up all the old tile around the fireplace and pulled out the sheet rock and the wood backing…guess what we found?

Two styrofoam cups…left over from someone’s lunch…14 years ago. They were just sitting there on top of the fireplace insert…stacked nicely.

Can’t wait to see what we find when we bust up the master bathroom. I’m thinking maybe an invitation to Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley’s wedding…or…an old picture of Helen Keller…or…IBM stock. Nah, that kind of thing only happens on Flip That House…and there’s usually a rabid family of rats guarding the stock.

Like that? I came up with it last night when I was watching American Idol and telling Capt. UberHusband I thought Faith Hill would be a great choice to cover Journey’s “Faithfully” as a country song.

Speaking of American Idol…how completely annoying were Randy, Paula and Simon last night? I’m all for the frolicky banter between the three of them, but when the camera cuts to Paula almost looking like she’s passing out on Simon’s shoulder…and the three of them bicker…God, it was so annoying. I felt really bad for the ladies last night.

Loved, loved, loved Brooke White’s rendition of “Love is a Battlefield” and, after the whole “Faith-Hilly” thing I was sort of on a roll…recommending Rascal Flatts update the Pat Benatar classic. Who else did I have opinions about…Carly Smithson. Love her accent, loved the song…wasn’t nuts about her rendition. I kind of feel like the AI folks are shoving her down my throat. Same with Syesha Mercado (Capt. UberHusband last night: “She does know she’s singing about being the other woman, right?”) - I’m not nuts about her. Eh.

So for snits and giggles last night, we decided to stick around on Fox and watch The Moment of Truth, especially after the world (apparently) came to an end last week. What a let-down. The questions were so incredibly stupid. Maybe it’s because I’m not $500k in debt and don’t need to go on the show, but come on. CU and I were making up our own questions for the show:

“I think reality shows are incredibly stupid, and extremely exploitative.” That answer is…true.

Of course, I have to get all technical…with the question, “Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone you work with?” I follow up with…”Well, before or after my husband and I met?”

In household news, the new kitchen floor is in and the tile surrounding our fireplace is being hacked out. I was talking to one of my co-workers yesterday and telling her that I never wish for bad things to happen, but if we have to have a water leak in the slab of our house…at least let us get a new kitchen floor out of it. Now that we’re taking a look at everything though, we’ve realized our cabinets look way better…but our appliances have got to go.

Oh, it’s also starting to snow here. Second time this week.

While I have you all here…if any of ya’ll are interested in taking a survey my fine Applied Research Methods class has crafted (it’s lousy…IMO…I’ll tell you that upfront), I would appreciate if you could fill it out on my behalf. Apparently we get bonus points if we can recruit the most people. If you’ve made it this far in my post, you have to like me a little…right?

So…here’s the link. When asked at the end who sent you to the survey, I’m S. Lynch. None of your personal info is captured, and if you shoot me an email at snarkwifedotcomATgmail.com to let me know you filled it out…I’ll let you know when the results are finalized and pass them along.

Okay, that is all. Back to work.

Reason #554 why I adore Capt. UberHusband:

You know what they need? A Celebrity Deathmatch with Danny Noriega and Christian from Project Runway.

80’s Nite is just horrible on American Idol…Wham, Lionel Richie…what? No Culture Club? I’d pay a hundred bucks to see Jason Castro sing “Miss Me Blind.”

Update: Okay, it’s not that bad…I’m now loving David Cook’s post-Lionel Richie “Hello” enough to download it from iTunes. But seriously…Whamboy and Sanjaya need to go.

institutional knowledge:

Information about a company, usually gained through being there way too long; awareness of where the bodies are buried and how they got there, or the names of computer files containing essential information that may be a factor in obtaining job security.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

coming along:
A casual assessment of the status of a project, designed to conceal the fact that “It hasn’t been started yet, but after this conversation I’m going back to my desk to find that file/email I’m pretty sure I tossed/deleted and try to remember what you wanted so I don’t bust myself by having to ask you about a project I’m claiming to have almost finished.”

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

Appetizer

Who was the last person you hugged?

Capt. UberHusband. 99% of the time, he’s the “last person I…whatevered.” Exceptions include, “Who was the last person you called, ‘Mom’?” That would be…my mom.

Soup

Share a beauty or grooming trick or tip with us.

Get your dogs groomed every five weeks because at six weeks, they’re generally shaggy and out of control. Oh wait, was this supposed to be a personal grooming tip?

Salad

What does the color yellow make you think of?

Mustard

Main Course

If you were to make your living as a photographer, what subject would your pictures revolve around?

Doggies…or Hawaiian sunsets

Dessert

What was the longest book you ever read?

My constitutitional law book at UCSB. We used it for three terms, and it was about a bazillion pages long.

Sorry kids…no Thursday Thirteen this week and as I’m sure you’ve noticed, incredibly limited blogging as well.

It’s just been one of those semesters. Between school and work and doctors and physical therapy and putting our house back together after the Great Water Leak of 2008…I’m just plum tuckered out. The good news is, my new physical therapist gave me some additional exercises today. For one of them…once I’m able to do it 10 times without falling over, I’m allowed to get on the treadmill for 15 minutes.

Kinda sad how excited I got when I heard that. Now that I think about it though, I don’t think she actually gave me the go-ahead to walk on the treadmill. Maybe I just stand there, you know, to get the feel of it again.

I do have one other goal, though…to blog about Lost in the morning. That’s my one bright, shining start of Thursday…Lost. Ahhhhh…

While I’m here…today’s Dictionary of Corporate BS entry:

colleague:

Fancy way of saying “someone I work with”; usually implies a person sharing the same rung of the corporate ladder with the person employing the term, because otherwise the speaker would just say “my supervisor” or “my assistant”; a little too formal for the typical 9-to-5er pull off; therefore, essentially, only erudite professors and Nobel Prize winners should use this term.

cold shoulder:

The blatant, punitive, and often unfathomable disregard shown by a previously friendly and affable boss or colleague; may inspire the feeling that you are “in trouble” — and in eighth grade.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

Considering a guy in our Florida office has been sending emails to the “office@” email address for the last week or so, letting all of us know the coffee is ready…today’s calendar entry is pretty timely.

However, these emails provide no benefit whatsoever to those of us not in Florida, although one of my Texas colleagues recommended I send out my own mass email telling everyone the coffee was ready at my office, too.

Sadly, I suspect the humor and sarcasm would be lost on those Sunshine Staters.

coffee:

A bitter, often tepid, and sometimes disgusting beverage that often serves, if unconsumed, as a scapegoat for people who say really stupid things prior to 10 AM.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

I read them, roll my eyes, and think, “Oh yeah. Totally.”

sense of urgency:

Feeling of panic that may or may not be legitimate, as many employees will affect a harried demeanor to give the impression that they are working hard; often contributes to increased inefficiency and additional mistakes born out of an atmosphere of chaos.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

self-starter:

Someone who is deemed to need no supervision, guidance, external motivation, or training in order to do the job and is brought into an irrevocably damaged situation and will vainly attempt to fix it; a gung-ho person who it is great fun for crusty vets to watch as he or she slowly self-destructs.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

Because even when I go in with him on the weekend to pick something up (which is like, twice a year)…even though there isn’t a soul there, the guy still makes me fill out the visitors form. Really?

security guard:

Wanna-be cops who take their jobs way too seriously and won’t let you in the building without your ID even though they see you every day; after 9/11, these individuals became increasingly fascist and they are not even subject to flirtation or assertion of one’s status, but will still give superhot chicks a pass.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

Friday Afternoon

Originally uploaded by snarkwife

Must be nice, huh?

According to my handy-dandy countdown calendar over there in the right sidebar, I am now officially 50% done with the Spring semester!

I still have quite a bit of work ahead of me, but it’s nice to be on the downslope.

For all those days you hate your job…at least you don’t work where this poor guy did. Methinks they needed to fire the manager, and not the employee.

Great segue into today’s Dictionary of Corporate BS word o’ the day, though…!

noncompete clause:

The part of a contract that prevents disemployed (in most cases) high-level execs from working for the competition for a stipulated length of time; its message can be summed up as “We don’t find you useful anymore, but don’t go trying to make yourself feel better by finding someone at our competition who does. Do us a favor and be professionally paralyzed/feel bad about yourself for a few months. Thanks!”

Thirteen of the Most Annoying TV Characters Ever

• Rosalind Shays - L.A. Law: I loved this show in high school and college even though, in retrospect, it was probably way too adult for me. There’s a reason everyone in American cheered when she fell down that elevator shaft!
• Oliver Trask - The O.C.: Up until this point, the award for “Most Annoying Oliver” went to Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch. I still never quite understood why the producers of one of my favorite shows ever decided to go there with Oliver and Olivehis (hee) stupid neuroses and pathological lies.
• Ray Romano - Everybody Loves Raymond: I’m not sure which was the better scene on this show…Romano’s arm getting cut off (and Neela’s reaction) by the helicopter, or the helicopter falling out of the sky and squishing him. Oh wait, wrong Romano. Well, could still work for both.
• Carlton Banks - The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Maybe it was the dancing. Maybe it was his oddly-shapen body. Maybe it was because this show was on when I was in college, when I was just annoyed in general.
• Lyla Garrity - Friday Night Lights: I loved Lyla the first season of FNL, but can’t stand her now. It is unclear to me why the producers decided to take her all Jesus-freak and high-and-mighty this season, but she’s just dull as dirt. When the tent revival she has sold her soul to packs up and leaves town, she could go with ‘em and I wouldn’t mind a bit, Itellyouwhut.
• Rhonda Volmer - Big Love: Ohhhhhhh this girl drives me completely insane! She’s troubled! She’s psychotic! She’s a child of the Lord! She’s a narcissist! She deserves whatever she gets!
• Harriet Hayes - Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Take the Lyla Garrity argument, and flip it. I didn’t like Harriet’s character because I felt like Aaron Sorkin kept beating me over the head with the idea that Christians can be witty and funny and…gasp…tolerant! And then…Harriet had to talk about it…every flipping episode. Um, really? Then, as soon as Sorkin et. al. realized that wasn’t working for them and started to make Harriet more normal, Jordan had her baby and the show was cancelled. Sigh.
• Matt Fielding - Melrose Place: There’s a reason poor Doug Savant is still referred to as “Big Gay Matt” - ten years after Melrose Place ended. Melrose Place premiered back in the day when it was considered edgy to have a gay character on TV. The problem was, this was the wrong kind of gay. Matt was the kind of gay who couldn’t handle a steady relationship of his own, because he was too busy trying to marry and get green cards for Russian immigrants and their cute daughters. And of course, Matt was a social worker. Really? That’s all they had?
• Kelly Taylor - Beverly Hills, 90210: Rape victim (date and stranger), drug addict, cult member, shooting target, diet pill-popper, sexual harrassee, amnesiac, successful boutique owner and cute Alpha girl! You name it, it happened to her. I think the only thing someone didn’t do to Kelly was strap her to a circle, spin her around and throw knives at her. Then again, I think Dylan may have done that during one of his weird benders toward the end.
• Serena Southerlyn - Law & Order: {heavy sigh} Yes Serena, they fired you because you’re a lesbian.
• Merle “The Pearl” Stockwell - Eight is Enough: Yeah, this is a bit old school - but for a show I absolutely loved, I couldn’t stand Merle. Maybe it was because Sacramento didn’t really have a major league baseball team, and I just didn’t buy that he drove to San Francisco or Oakland for games. I didn’t get what Susan saw in him, and thought he was an idiot for agreeing to that silly double wedding with Steve and Janet.
• George Williams - Desperate Housewives: You have to admit…if you were Bree you would have just sat there and watched him die, too.

Most of the sales folks I’ve come into contact with are the exact opposite - they’re whiny belly-achers who can’t handle adversity…well, internally, that is. Who knows…they might have the cajones of gorillas when they leave the building.

sales:

The department that ultimately pays your salary, and therefore the one it’s in your best interest to make happy, consisting of people who, like stand-up comedians, have a very high tolerance for rejection and, unlike basically everyone else in the workforce, actually thrive on it.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

Except…there’s generally no fanfare, and I find out about it when I’m blind-copied on an unrelated email that makes vague mention of it. And, I can’t inquire further at that point because, well, I was blind-copied on the email.

roll out:

To introduce a new product or service to the public with much fanfare through costly advertising and marketing campaigns in a desperate attempt to generate sales and press, which, should it go poorly, will be blamed by management on innocent employees whom they will then fire.

Courtesy of the Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit page-a-day calendar…

The 30-Day Sex Challenge

Do you just keeping doing it until you’ve been together for thirty consecutive days?

Seriously…it’s not that silly of a question.

This is an actual email thread between my debate teammates…guess which one I am!

On Feb 18, 2008 3:50 PM, Student #1 wrote:

Looks like we have 4 points to refute this week.

Some of these are going to be hard to disprove. Shall we just split them up & each post individually sometime before end of day tomorrow? The first two are sort of the same, so I think that can be lumped in as one. #3 seems hardest & 4 seems easiest, but I will take any of them - let me know how you want to divide.

On Feb 18, 2008 5:00 PM, Student #2 wrote:

I’ll take #3 - it actually doesn’t seem too bad if you look at it in context to the actual debate resolution, which states the cameras would be used in a systematic random sampling schedule. Their argument assumes you’d be able to pull up a video for anyone, at any time, in any situation. That’s not quite how it would be working.

I’ll have my rebuttal up by tomorrow night.

On Feb 18, 2008 7:21 PM, Student #3 wrote:

I will take which ever one is left over. I really do not have a preference.

On Feb 18, 2008 8:37 PM, Student #1 wrote:

ok, i’ll take 1 & 2, i guess.

On Feb 18, 2008 10:29 PM, Student #3 wrote:

I’ll have #4 up tonight then.

I honestly have to say, I think women like my teammates are responsible for the so-called “glass ceiling.” Who wants someone in charge who can’t make a freaking decision on which stupid debate point they want to rebut? The hilarious thing? The one I picked wound up being the easiest to pick apart.

I had a job like this once…back in college, when you’re too dumb and naive to understand what’s going on…LOL.

get a temp:

The quick solution to tackling the overwhelming backlog that’s the direct result of staffers wisely avoiding the most menial and boring aspects of their jobs until it finally becomes so bad the only way to get it done is to pay an outsider to come in and deal with it.

Alrighty…here’s the latest on my muscle sprain, bursitis, possible pinched nerve - I do, in fact, have a pinched nerve…or a series of them…as confirmed by the MRI I had last week. Funny thing…my only real experiences with an MRI have centered around Grey’s Anatomy. Generally in those cases, some poor soul would end up with McDreamy digging around in his or her brain.

Anyway, the nerves in play are at the base of my spine, where they branch out to the legs. I have a slightly somethingorothered (don’t remember the exact word) disc which is putting pressure on them. That is what is causing my leg pain and after five weeks of physical therapy, pain in my hip and lower back.

Bottom line…I have hit the limit of Dr. Morgan’s expertise and have been escalated up the chain to a Dr. Chambers who specializes in rehabilitative medicine…or something like that. I go in to see him tomorrow, MRI films in hand, to figure out where to go from here. The good news is, we seem to have figured out what the problem is. The bad news is, now people are starting to use words like “spinal” and “injection” but all I hear is, “It’s going to get worse before it gets better” and “20% copay.”

Regardless…I have to get this taken care of. I’m starting to gain weight because my mobility is so limited. And, I can’t have my mom moving around better than me when CU and I take her to Chicago for her 60th birthday next month. That would just be too humiliating.

Since my old theme was beginning to give me a headache (Too! Many! Bright! Colors!) and I switched over to this kindler, gentler theme…I realized I missed posting my daily Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit calendar page. Plus, I received some email confirmation that someone other than me thought they were funny (heh).

If you ever want to see the archives, I’m also adding a category. So, enjoy!

Without further ado, I’ll catch you up on a couple from the last week I didn’t post…plus today’s.

Employee Assistance Program (EAP)

A company-sponsored support program reached from the comfort of your office or cube through an 800 number in order to access a trained counselor to bring you back from the brink of despair; short-term company financed-counseling that doesn’t really cut it when you’re feeling like you might have wasted your life in a soul-crushing company; however, will also help you adopt a pet.

glass ceiling

The concept that women or minorities in the workplace are unable to achieve high-ranking positions due to unacknowledged discrimination, which, despite recent lip service in our progressive age, is still pretty much true; the reason why women who do manage to rise to positions of considerable authority are more likely to be found in “female-friendly” disciplines, such as Human Resources, Marketing, and PR; those who make repeated efforts to break the glass ceiling may become women who behave like men.

I remember hitting this ceiling eight years ago. Even though I was clearly qualified and I was the only one who actually wanted the job, The Powers That Be (which included a woman who behaved like a man) passed me over for a programmer who didn’t want the job. Hitting that ceiling with the velocity at which I did knocked some sense into me. I saw the writing on the wall, and left the company within a month.

antidepressant

Medication that allows employees to continue to function in jobs that, until recently, caused crying jags and suicidal ideation and homicidal fantasies directed at multiple colleagues and bosses.

Other than Capt. UberHusband’s year in Iraq, I believe there have only been two Sundays in the seven years we’ve been married (and probably the year and a half we dated before that) when I woke up by myself on a Sunday morning. Actually, I take that back. Last year when he went to Paris, he left on Sunday and came back on Friday. So, this would be the only non-deployment Sunday.

CU travels a lot for work now, so it isn’t entirely odd if the alarm goes off at 6 during the week and he’s not here. Weekends though…weekends are a whole different thing. It gets kind of lonely, even if I have already talked to him twice today and exchanged a dozen text messages…LOL.

(more…)

Now that my environmental analysis on the hotel industry has been uploaded and officially “delivered” to my Strategic Marketing professor, I can take a bit of a break and reflect on Lost last night. As an unintentional tie-in, the title of last night’s ep, “The Economist,” really threw me for a loop because my Strategic Marketing midterm this week includes questions regarding several articles we’ve read and discussed from…wait for it…The Economist. It’s like no matter how hard I try, I just can’t get away from school - not even for an hour.

(more…)

I don’t have to deal with today’s Dictionary of Corporate Bullshit entry:

Girl Scout cookies:

Small, sweet biscuits sold to raise funds for the Girl Scouts of America that you will have no choice but to buy, because the kids of someone you’re sucking up to are selling them; reliable springtime source of empty calories and unwanted expense, in the form of Thin Mints, Trefoils, and Samoas; at least one person will go really overboard with the ass kissing and buy a dozen boxes. (Bosses who do not push these will sell some other item, such as wrapping paper, candles, etc., on behalf of their spawn.)

Now see, people who eventually work for me won’t ever have to worry about this because, well, I have no spawn…which brings up an interesting idea: what if I hold my own fundraisers? I can sell Dollar Store wrapping paper for three times the cost, all to benefit my need to buy prime beef instead of choice beef at Central Market.

What excruciatingly unbelievably luck that today is Valentine’s Day…because now I get to list out:

Thirteen Love Songs Which Make Me Want to Poke Knives Into My Eyes

Sure, I could go all oogly-googly and tell you about the love songs I like…but where’s the fun in that? You all know that you have a similar list somewhere in your head…

• “When I’m With You” - Sheriff: This song was very popular my senior year of high school. I remember my boyfriend at the time liked it, and I believe this is the first song which made me want to poke knives into my eyes. Momentous!
• “Amazed” - Lonestar: I really didn’t have that much of a problem with this song until every freaking chick on my 2001 Weddings board at iVillage (yeah, yeah…I know…) declared it to be her First Dance song. I couldn’t get away from it. After that, my goal was to find the song least likely to be played at anyone else’s wedding for our first dance.
• “Afternoon Delight” - Starlight Vocal Band: Seriously? A song about a nooner?
• “Look Away” - Chicago: Ladies, take note: if a man ever says these sorts of things to you, run away…baby, run away. I think it’s this sort of male mentality 20 years ago which yielded all the girly-boys being raised in America today.
• “On Bended Knee” - Boyz II Men: Again, don’t beg. I don’t care if you don’t want Lisa Turtle to leave you…don’t beg.
• “Saving All My Love For You” - Whitney Houston: The video for this song was great, as La Whitney - in all her early 20’s glorious goddessness - saved all her love for a married man. Ugh.
• “Roni” - Bobby Brown: Still don’t get this one. If anyone wants to explain the truth about Roni to me, I’m all ears. The ears will likely be covered with my hands, but I’m all ears.
• “Let’s Wait Awhile” - Janet Jackson: Let’s not. Face it, teenage premarital sex is a rite of passage. Besides, if you wait, you won’t have any good stories to reminisce about when you’re 36.
• “Strong Enough” - Sheryl Crow: Any song which begins, “God, I feel like Hell tonight” is sure to be a winner.
• “Picture” - Sheryl Crow & Kid Rock: Ironically, this one begins, “Living my life in a slow hell.” With all the cheatin’ and the druggin’ and the drinkin’…I oddly feel as though I should be rooting for this couple, since if I do, maybe they’ll be on Wife Swap next season.
• “My, My, My” - Johnny Gill: Er, I think this was a love song.
• “Criminal” - Fiona Apple: She’s been careless with a delicate man - no doubt, a man who listened to a lot of Chicago when he was a teenager.
• “I Don’t Wanna Cry” - Mariah Carey: I do.

I purposefully left out some all-time cheesy love songs, because…ahem…I like them.