You all know CU spent a year in Iraq. Prior to that Jim, one of his best friends, was “reactivated” but was fortunate enough to spend his tour someplace in Missouri - which in some circles is a fate worse than Iraq. Literally, about three days after Jim’s “tour” ended, Seth got his letter in the mail.

We used to joke that Jim was forced to hand over the names and addresses of known accomplices to keep the ranks strong. Then, we joked that his other Army buddy Leo was safe because so much time had passed since CU had gotten back. No way they could still be calling IRR guys up, right?

Well, this morning I found out Leo was called back up to active duty and has to report to Fort Jackson in May. Then he’s off to…who knows. Likely Iraq. To add insult to injury, he got the letter the day before he went to Maui with his girlfriend for a week. At least we found out on the back-end of a fun trip.

The really weird thing…Leo got out of the Army about the same time CU did, so he’s been off active duty…nine years? He’s got a gun-toting job with the US Government now though, so it isn’t like he hasn’t held a firearm in a decade. Odd thing though, we thought he’d had to resign his commission when he took his gun-toting job. Guess not.

I also guess it’s time for me to ask Leo what his favorite TV shows are, and to fire up the DVD ripper. That’s always my contribution to deployment…television shows.

First off, thanks to everyone who commented and emailed me about yesterday’s storm. I appreciate it, and am incredibly grateful that we have power…and that bits and pieces of our house didn’t wind up in our pool (if we had one), in other people’s yards, or down the street.

Things are starting to look better around here. What I have always found rather amusing about destructive storms is the joke nature plays by ordering up beautiful weather the next day. Once the haze burned off yesterday morning, it was warm and sunny. Perfect damage-assessing weather.

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Reason #554 why I adore Capt. UberHusband:

You know what they need? A Celebrity Deathmatch with Danny Noriega and Christian from Project Runway.

80’s Nite is just horrible on American Idol…Wham, Lionel Richie…what? No Culture Club? I’d pay a hundred bucks to see Jason Castro sing “Miss Me Blind.”

Update: Okay, it’s not that bad…I’m now loving David Cook’s post-Lionel Richie “Hello” enough to download it from iTunes. But seriously…Whamboy and Sanjaya need to go.

Other than Capt. UberHusband’s year in Iraq, I believe there have only been two Sundays in the seven years we’ve been married (and probably the year and a half we dated before that) when I woke up by myself on a Sunday morning. Actually, I take that back. Last year when he went to Paris, he left on Sunday and came back on Friday. So, this would be the only non-deployment Sunday.

CU travels a lot for work now, so it isn’t entirely odd if the alarm goes off at 6 during the week and he’s not here. Weekends though…weekends are a whole different thing. It gets kind of lonely, even if I have already talked to him twice today and exchanged a dozen text messages…LOL.

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and all I got was this stupid “Do Not Disturb” sign!” –Cookie

Oh my God, we had the best time this weekend. I hesitate to say “had” because really, we’re still in the midst of our anniversary weekend - we’re just at home for the last third. We’ve never stayed at a Ritz-Carlton…and I’m happy we were able to procure a decent rate…well, decent that is, until they tacked on the occupancy tax. I forgot how expensive the hotel taxes are here in Dallas.

Anyhoo…we’ve stayed at a couple of Four Seasons hotels and a handful of other “luxury”-type hotels, but this place spoiled us. Literally. Let me list out a few ways…

• Upon check-in, we asked if there was any way we could get upgraded - and they told us they had already upgraded us to a suite. Sweet!
• The staff sent up an anniversary card and chocolates after they found out we were there for our anniversary. Sweets!
• There was a TV in the bathroom mirror. A TV. In the bathroom mirror.
• Our original room had access to the club lounge, so we still had that - and the club lounge provided us with five food presentations a day which included continental breakfast, a light lunch presentation, afternoon tea, evening cocktails (complimentary) and late-evening desserts. My one regret - I didn’t get a picture of the clock made out of chocolate in the club lounge. Actually, I didn’t get any pictures of the club lounge. Oh well. Will have to go back, I guess.
• We took our books down to Fearing’s Bar last night around 5:30, and were treated to complimentary tastings of Fearing’s margaritas and freshly-made guacamole. As someone who gags and practically convulses at the smell of tequila, I didn’t want to bother with the margarita but…it was really good. Really good. And I’m not just saying that because it was complimentary.

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About a month ago, I got this brilliant thought in my head - what if, for our “wool” anniversary, I knitted Capt. UberHusband a scarf? After all, he’ll be going to some cold locales before Spring comes…and it would give me a chance to dust off my knitting skills. A month should be enough to finish a little ‘ol scarf, right?

In theory, this would be true. What I failed to take into account was the fact that Capt. UberHusband would be off work the last two weeks of 2007, and would be at home. You can’t knit a scarf for someone who’s always around. Well you can, he’ll just know about it. So I decided…I would just take every second of free time I had during the workday once he went back to work after the new year…and knit! Two and a half weeks should be enough to finish a little ‘ol scarf, right?

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But, we appreciate the shout-out, Amazon.com!

Only one turkey was harmed in the making of this film.

I can always count on Capt. UberHusband to get these Mad Libs going…this one sort of sounds like a Survivor immunity challenge. Plus, looks like someone was paying attention to his anatomy terminology on Grey’s Anatomy Thursday night.

How To Survive a Scuba Emergency

Many people enjoy the burly sport of scuba diving - traveling to exotic locations like Kazakhstan and Thailand and seeing amazing sea creatures like the guinea pig and the boll weevil close-up.

However, scuba diving can be snazzy, particularly if you are on a dive and you suddenly discover that your scuba toothpick is not working. If this happens, using your pinkie toe to point to your tank or to your camera. When a friend approaches, signal that you want to share their camera. You will have to take turns, each blazing with the same camera.

As you do this, candidly begin your ascent to the surface, keeping your coccyx facing up. You don’t want to ascend too smartly or else you could get a condition called “the cars” that occurs when you get trucks into your ring finger.

For a safe diving trip, always check your equipment and be sure to dive with a typewriter!

Ever wonder what it’s like to vacation with Snarkwife and Capt. UberHusband? Do we eat at exotic restaurants every night?

Nah, we eat raw fish and fried foods. But, we eat all that with a really good bottle of wine. That’s what really counts.

You’ll have to excuse the quality…the video looks great until Photobucket works it’s magic during upload and then pixilates the bejeezers out of it.

Yesterday while CU was in New Orleans, he found out he needed to be in Mountain View, CA today for a meeting. He changes his flights around and catches one this morning which connects through DFW. How odd…to connect through the city where you live.

Anyway, as they’re closing the plane doors, he gets a text message that the meeting in CA has been cancelled. So now he’s trapped, on a plane, flying to a coast where he has nothing to do. He called me a couple hours ago with this story, and I just felt so badly for him.

He just called again, and his flight back here to Dallas is boarding…he’ll be landing around 9 PM.

In a nutshell, he flew from New Orleans to San Jose and then back to Dallas…all over the course of twelve hours. Didn’t do anything, really…just…flew.

If you’re ever in south Chicago at 12:26 AM over Memorial Day weekend and find yourself following the shuttle bus that will help you find your way back downtown after a wedding…be mindful of the traffic lights. If one turns red and you unintentionally drive through while trying not to lose sight of the bus…the City of Chicago will find you.

So, first we thought we were moving to Seattle, but then we find out CU is moving to Iraq. He gets back a year ago, and we realize we’re probably here in the DFW area for the long haul unless someone’s employer is willing to pay us to move somewhere else…because we’re cheap…and lazy…and don’t feel like packing up the house.

We replace the carpeting and add hardwood flooring, put in a custom closet in the master bedroom, install new landscaping in the front yard, remodel the laundry room…and I start graduate school again. We’re here. We’re staying put.

And then…then…CU is offered a job in North Carolina with a full relocation package. Have you ever noticed just when you start getting used to the idea of something and settle in…that’s usually when the wrench is thrown in? Yeah, me too. At least we hadn’t started renovating the kitchen, yet.

So…we have some decisions to make but right now, the pros are outweighing the cons by a pretty significant margin.

More to come… Update…never mind…the newly discovered “cons” swung us back the other way, and we’re staying put.

Next project…the pantry!

Who needs the Quik-E-Mart? We do! CU and I trekked down to Dallas today and visited one of only twelve Quik-E-Marts in the US!

Click here for photos!

And shhhhhhh…don’t tell our employers, but we’re cutting out of work early on Friday and going to see The Simpsons Movie…thanks Blingo, for the free movie tickets!

I just realized…Capt. UberHusband and I are the Sonic Couple…except we don’t know the names of any of our neighbors.

Anyhoo…in no particular order, here’s what else is going on…

1. It’s still raining here. Three weeks, now…I think…of rainy days. For those of you new to the game, It’s JULY IN TEXAS, and we’ve only turned on our sprinkler system once in the last six weeks. ONCE. By the way, thank you to the City of Allen for allowing us to water twice a week as of yesterday. I’m sure that will come in handy when monsoon season ends in August.

2. Our adorable little nephew Sam will be turn the big O-N-E in a couple of weeks, and Auntie Snarkwife and Uncle Capt. UberHusband have decided to make the trek to NC to see the kin and give the little kid a gift he surely doesn’t need.

3. I’m waiting for Apple to load some sort of iChat/IM application into the iPhone, then I am iBuying it.

4. 65 days until we leave for Hawaii although, ironically, it’s felt like Hawaii here for the last month, minus the ocean and aloha spirit.

5. Daisy’s allergies seem to have resolved themselves…looks as if her incessant paw chewing was caused by an unfortunate infection in her paws, which 30 days of antibiotics have cleared up. Go Schnoozer!

6. Cookie’s headed into the cardiologist on Thursday, and hopefully we’ll get a better prognosis for her. It’s strange to talk about prognoses (prognosisises?) when she seems healthier and happier than ever, but I also have to remember she’s on a pretty powerful drug cocktail so…there you have it.

7. CU and I re-landscaped our front yard, but there were some things the landscapers screwed up, so we’ve been waiting…two weeks now for them to be unscrewed-up. Problem? It’s been pouring rain every day, which suffice it to say, puts a hamper on people coming out and working in the yard. Pictures forthcoming…again, likely, after monsoon season ends.

And…that’s about it. I’ll try to be better about checking in…and I need to catch up with everyone on Big Love, Entourage and Army Wives! Four more weeks until Org Behavior is done, and I just need to crank out one more project (individual, thank God) and then I’m free for THREE WHOLE WEEKS!

Want to see what I’ve been working on for the last two weeks?

Hint: It has nothing to do with Org Behavior, and everything to do with my new scanner, 500+ negatives, iPhoto and iWeb.

Click here! (it’s a big file, so it will take a bit to load…)

Time to rip off the bandage this Memorial Day weekend, and get over my fear of going back to Chicago. Long-time readers will remember what happened the last time CU and I went took a trip to the Windy City.

Ironically, we’re heading up there for the wedding of one of CU’s roommates (tentmates? deploymentmates? sandmates?) in Iraq…and I had to go dig out CU’s discharge papers to verify, with 100% accuracy, that by some sicko twist of fate he couldn’t wind up going back. I’ve met the groom…once…the day they came back from Iraq. CU lived with him for 8 months, but me…I hardly know the guy, so it seems incredibly odd to be going to his wedding.

Anyhoo…now the fun part begins…where do we stay, what do we see…where do we eat…do we stay at the Conrad, where I can fall out of bed and roll right into Nordstrom? For giggles, do we follow Giada’s lead, or do we throw caution to the wind and plan nothing until we get there? Ahahaha…yeah, you’re right. I’d never do that.

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Happy 34th birthday to the perpetually hot and sexy Capt. UberHusband!

Big plans tonight include dinner, and a surprise birthday gift. It’s been sitting on the end table in the living room since we got up, but nooooooo…he wants to wait until tonight to open it. He has a lot more restraint than I do.

Then again, I already know what’s in the box.

He calls me this morning, and it’s like he’s in a movie. I hear people speaking French in the background, I hear police cars in the distance, and he tells me he’s walking past Cartier, and would I like anything? No thanks.

Capt. UberHusband: So, I think I figured out what Cookie would want if she came to Paris
Snarkwife: What’s that?
Capt. UberHusband: A Hermes dog collar
Snarkwife: Seriously?
Capt. UberHusband: Yeah
Snarkwife: How much are they?
Capt. UberHusband: Well, they don’t make one in Cookie’s size
Snarkwife: You’re joking…in Paris, Hermes doesn’t make a collar small enough to fit a toy poodle?
Capt. UberHusband: No…Pomeranians are about as small as they’ll fit, apparently.
Snarkwife: So how much are they?
Capt. UberHusband: Well, they vary from 210 to 510 Euros.

Looks like they’ll all be heading back in a couple of months to officially sign some project documents…and I may just have to go. Still probably won’t get anything from Cartier, though.

Out of all the things CU has done, and the things he’s seen this week in between his work obligations, I’m most bummed he’ll be able to see our old friend Troy tonight, and I won’t. Troy and I worked together many years ago, and spent quite a bit of time together before I met CU. We weren’t dating or anything…he was just a fun guy friend to hang out with and watch Dallas Stars games and see movies like American Pie. We haven’t seen him since he decided to chuck living in America and work for the foreign service. His latest post is Paris. Rough gig.

It’s almost like he’s back in Iraq…6:30 a.m. phone calls to me, emails back and forth, photos of exotic locales, itty bitty accommodations.

But, it’s his work cell number that pops up on Caller ID, not DFAS-ARMY-ABC123, and the view from his room is way better.

Okay, I am officially green with envy. I don’t care if it’s a deadly sin. I should have cashed in some of my 94,000 frequent flier miles, since the plane was only about 2/3 full. Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

I’ve been thinking a lot about CU’s deployment today. First, when I was at the gym this morning…it brought back really strange, surreal memories of “this time last January.” This time last January, I was beginning my big project to lose ten pounds before he got home (I did it, and kept it all off…till my knee went out and then I sprained my toe and workouts weren’t gonna happen…anyhoo…) and was going to the gym every morning after he and I got off the phone.

This morning, I woke up alone, talked to CU and then went to the gym…I think the temperature was about the same as it was this time last year, too. Deja vu. When I was at the gym, a song started playing on my Shuffle that I listened to a lot when CU was gone. It’s a pretty inocuous song usually now, but with him not being here, and me being at the gym…and eating alone and sleeping alone…well, Snarkwife got a little melancholy. It was strange. I almost choked up at the gym…for no other reason except how much I was missing him this time last year unexpectedly punched me in the gut.

Then when I got home and CU called me from the St. Louis, then Atlanta airports…all was well again.

On top of all that, I have a couple of blog friends right now who are dancing the deployment dance with their husbands, and my heart just aches for them because I can both sympathize and empathize. I get all practical and clinical and pragmatic when I talk about it to (or with) them and always feel so funky about it all.

I never understood how military wives could make it a month, 3 months, 6 months or a year without their husbands…until I did it myself. The experience is liberating, and empowering…but it also alternates between 10 different kinds of sucky and 7 different kinds of miserable.

Then one day, you take a look at the calendar and you’re simply amazed it’s been nearly 22 months since you found out he was leaving. Time’s a strange, strange thing. The stranger (although not totally unsurprising) thing…it only took 21 months for the Army to process his 3 resignation requests. Ha!

And…now that he’s been back for 8 months…I guess that’s all I’m going to have to say on that.

Once again, the Army needs to add one more parameter to it’s database search query:

WHERE soldier.status = ‘already involuntarily mobilized, so don’t threaten him/her with involuntary mobilization’

USCENTCOM has a unique opportunity to fill several command requirements for IMA positions and tours. These tours are located in beautiful Tampa, Florida – at the award-winning MacDill Air Force Base. A database search has indicated that as an IRR soldier, you are available for voluntary and involuntary mobilization and might be interested in one of these select assignments.

If you are interested in an IMA position or tours at USCENTCOM please respond to this email NLT 28 February. We seek to match military, as well as civilian skills in filling our positions.

Please keep in mind that as an IRR soldier, you can be involuntarily mobilized and sent to wherever the army has a need. Currently, that is primarily Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Horn of Africa. Although many of you may wish to be deployed, some of you may prefer to perform duty in Tampa.

We provide first rate corporate housing in Tampa and full per diem.

If you are interested please contact MAJ McMajor as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Capt. UberHusband’s comments: “I want to write back and let her know that I am more than aware that I can be involuntarily mobilized, and I would be more than happy to leave Iraq to visit lovely award winning Tampa.”

Here’s the UberHusband’s latest imitation of UberFlamer Coby from last night’s Survivor.

I swear, I’m starting to watch Survivor just to see what lame expression Coby comes up with at key moments during Tribal Council.

Having said that, if I were one of the Three Amigas, I would be quickly realizing that if I were in the Final Two with either Ian or Tom, I would probably lose. Hence, it would seem prudent to vote one of them off.

Wouldn’t it?

Today is the UberHusband’s last day at work until at least November 17, 2006. It just dawned on me that’s the day before my 35th birthday.

{{shudder}}

He still had some vacation to burn for this year, so he figured he’d take the time before he left…so he can hang out here and relax and do fun things like fix all the boards on the fence and re-seed the front yard.

I know. He’s like that. What can I say.

I was able to provide a little advice, seeing as I’ve left…one…two…three…four jobs since we’ve been together. The last day is always a pain in the ass. People are bending his ear left and right because they’re scared shitless they can’t do what he does and somehow…someway…everything will blow up bright and early at 7:30 a.m. the day after he leaves.

You know, kind of the way I’ve been with the UberHusband for the past month.

Anyway, it’s 5:18 p.m. and he’s not home yet. No call. Please UberHusband’s company…send him home. He needs the break.

And…we have dinner plans.

The UberHusband and I are partaking in a little R & R in San Antonio this weekend before he splits town and officially becomes Capt. UberHusband.

We haven’t been to San Antonio in a while…probably in a couple of years. I remember one time when we went before we got married, we did the river cruise tour (we always do that) and the guide told us about a movie filming we’d all just missed…”Something with Sandra Bullock.” Turns out, the movie he was talking about was Miss Congeniality.

Anyhoo, we plan on relaxing and eating guacamole all weekend. {{drool}} If you’ve never had the guacamole at Boudro’s, you haven’t lived. One weekend we went there and we had it for dinner…then lunch again the next day. We may have had it for dinner again the next night…I can’t remember.

We’re also going to take a side trip to Shiner, TX…home of the Shiner Brewery. Now, we’ve always wanted to go there and take the tour but they only run the tours on weekdays and we’ve always gone down on Friday and come back on Sunday. Since we’ll be gone until Tuesday night this time, we figured we’d go on Monday. Yay us.

We’re also trying to talk the UberHusband’s best friend into coming over from Houston. We haven’t seen Jim since he found out he was being deployed…and that was November of 2003. Way, way, way too long.

I know…it’s strange to have an entire weekday go by without a post from me.

Well, the UberHusband and I drove up to Fort Sill, OK today (left at 7:15 a.m. and got back…about five minutes ago) to take care of a bunch of administrative crap and show me around in case I ever need to be someplace Army-y.

Did you know that their PX sells Clinique? Had I know, I would have made a list…

All is well, though. I thought about blogging from the road with my slick new camera phone but couldn’t figure out how. Oh well.

See you all tomorrow!

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When I was in college, my boyfriend went to Europe with two of his friends for three months over the summer. This was back before email and instant messaging, and also when international long distance rates were something insane like $3.00 a minute. So, it was a really long three months.

To pass the time, I read…a lot. Unfortunately, what I read were Danielle Steel novels where the protagonist’s man always seemed to go overseas for one reason or another…and never came back, for one reason or another. In one of the books, the woman’s fiance died on the Titanic.

Three months of that will turn any rational young woman into a paranoid freak. It’s kind of the same thing that happened when we all had a dog die during our childhood…for some insane reason, the only movie on immediately afterward was either Where The Red Fern Grows or Old Yeller.

Understanding that my psyche has a tendency to be swept away, I have composed a Watchable Military Media Guide For The Next Eighteen Months:

Good Watchable Media:
1. Private Benjamin
2. Stripes
3. In The Army Now
4. An Officer and A Gentleman

5. North and South (Books 1 and 2)
6. Three Kings (don’t make me give up George)
7. Top Gun
8. A Few Good Men
9. Renaissance Man

10. Gomer Pyle reruns

Bad Watchable Media:
1. Pearl Harbor
2. We Were Soldiers
3. Legends Of The Fall
4. The entire third season of American Dreams

5. That episode of ER when Gallant comes back from Iraq and hooks up with Neela
6. Born On The Fourth Of July
7. From Here To Eternity
8. Black Hawk Down
9. The Deer Hunter

10. G.I. Jane (only because it was an awful movie in general…you shouldn’t watch it, either)

You know, it’s funny…telling people that you (or your husband) has been called to active duty during “war time” elicits some pretty strange responses. They vary from, “I don’t know what to say…good luck? I’m sorry? Kick some Iraqi ass?” to no response at all, just a scrunched up facial expression of shock and surprise. Kind of like how I imagine people would react if Britney Spears won an Academy Award.

My favorite so far though, has been, “Well, you knew what you were getting into when you married him,” from someone who emailed me directly…an obviously casual reader who doesn’t really understand that the UberHusband went off active duty six years ago, before we even met.

It’s not like my head was in the sand, though. I always knew way, way, way, way in the back of my mind that it was a possibility but sheesh…it was (is?) also a possibility that some national syndicate would (will?) pick me up and start paying me to write snark full-time.

Hint, hint.

I did a lot of Googling and web surfing yesterday, looking for resources for wives like me…wives whose husbands aren’t attached to a Reserve or National Guard unit, wives who don’t live near a base with a Family Support Group and other women who have experienced my myriad emotions thus far, wives whose husbands weren’t “really” in the Army when they met and most importantly…wives who had no clue on God’s green Earth that 9/11 would happen eight months after their wedding and turn their lives upside down 3 1/2 years later.

I came up empty. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I like being in control. I like being able to look for information I need and having it at my fingertips. I’m a project manager for chrissakes, and a natural-born planner. We planned for Plan A - corporate relocation to Seattle. We planned for Plan B, our contingency plan, which was remaining in Dallas in case Seattle didn’t happen.

Plan C - husband is reactivated and deployed to God knows where. That…that we didn’t plan for. Now, I know all that gobbledeegook about making lemonade out of rotten cherries or something like that, and how everything happens for a reason…but still. Wah. Boo.

{deep, cleansing breath}

Time to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on board with Plan C…whatever it winds up being.

Anyhoo…I have got to catch up on my television viewing, lest this blog turn into an 18-month weepy pity fest. LOL. That’s my goal today…watch Desperate Housewives (and write corresponding haikus), watch Arrested Development and scan through a week’s worth of Dr. Phil episodes in between, you know, working and all.

Can’t forget about The Amazing Race tonight…maybe I’ll have a newfound appreciation for PODubya now. Nah. Doubt it.

/wink

So, the UberHusband and I had a superfantabulous weekend in Chicago, courtesy of the UberHusband’s many business travels over the past year. We ate, drank, took in the amazing weather and even bought some expensive footwear. When in Rome, as they say…

It was one of those weekends that you didn’t mind ending because not only were you dog-tired, but it already felt like the two days had lasted a lot longer than just two days.

Then we came home…as I was flipping through the mail I noticed one of those letters that looks like a Western Union mailgram…the letters that companies like to use to alert you to a really low APR on a new credit card or to refinance your mortgage.

Not this time. It was a real Western Union mailgram.

Yep, the United States Army has called the UberHusband…six years out of active duty…back up to active duty.

Son of a bitch.

So, it looks as though the UberHusband’s project contract negotiations are in the “final stages” and a decision should be made within the next 60-90 days which means, we should know in the next 90-120 days if/when we will be relocating to Seattle.

Sheesh.

You know…waiting around on this is sort of like a prison sentence that keeps getting extended for bad behavior…or talking about a mysterious boyfriend that may/may not really exist…“But wait until he comes out for Prom, you’ll meet him then, promise!” The George Glass Syndrome, we call it.

Last summer we thought this would all be wrapped up in the Fall…then by the first of 2005…then Spring of 2005…now we’re looking at the end of the summer. It is for this precise reason…the whole “up in the air thing”…that, a couple of months ago, the UberHusband and I decided to quit putting our lives on hold for something that may or may not happen.

One of the things we had been putting off was relandscaping parts of our front yard. We didn’t want to put out the expense if we weren’t going to be around to enjoy it. Today, we have folks coming out to clean out our front beds, remulch, put up a stone border and the best part…they’re planting seasonal color! Begonias! Ha! I thought only rich folks did that but it wound up not costing much more than if we were to do it ourselves…and they’ll get it done in an hour versus the UberHusband and me giving up an entire Saturday afternoon to complete half of it, thus leaving our front yard in a continuous state of disarray.

Again, kind of like the Seattle thing.

Now we’ll have more time to tend to our three new rose bushes in the back…our assorted herbs that we planted last weekend…and Audrey. Can’t forget about Audrey or she’ll clog up our gutters or something just in time for Spring storm season.

Want to know what happens when Snarky and the UberHusband dare to leave their little bubble on a weeknight to go to dinner with a couple of friends?

Well, first off…they miss The Amazing Race. But…they TiVo’d it (yeah, I know it’s against about fifteen laws to use TiVo as a verb…sue me) and fast-forwarded to the end when they got home because Snarky just can’t go to sleep on Tuesday nights not knowing who was sent home broken-hearted.

And…they miss American Idol, which for some reason Snarky forgot to record. Listening to the news this morning, and realizing it was “Give My Retards To Broadway” night, she doesn’t think she missed all that much. Reviews are welcome…

She does remember to record Law & Order: Sport Utility Vehicle but…funny thing…it was a repeat, which is confusing because of that whole “Record First Run Only” setting.

But even better…she shared a fun meal with good friends, a few fine wines, a couple not-so-fine (there’s a reason Turkey isn’t known for it’s wine) and persevered through three separate hail storms trying to get to dinner.

Ah…good times.

Awww…it’s Valentine’s Day and there’s nothing like a tale of star-crossed lovers to show us the true spirit of the day.

Ha.

We’re moving up to the North Shore this afternoon, which means the frenetic pace of Waikiki that has been carrying me along like a 15-year-old in a mosh pit will come to a screeching halt tonight. I can’t seem to get my camera to hook up to the UberHusband’s laptop properly (dude, you’ve got a Dell!), but will catch up on my travelogue in the next couple of days.

I did spy the g-string bikini diva who was all over His Royal Daunte-ness earlier in the trip yesterday at the pool but, again, didn’t have my camera. Who’d have thought lightning would actually strike twice for me?

Aloha!

Absoposifrickenlutely, despite the fact that I was wearing lingerie that pinched in unfortunate places.

And…I was sick to my stomach.

And…I had 156 hairpins in my hair.

And…it was 35 degrees outside.

But all of that was really inconsequential…I was getting married.

Happy Snarkiversary to my wonderful UberHusband…smooch smooch! If I had to do it all over again, I’d wear the pinchy lingerie and the hair pins…but I’d pass on the nausea and the cold weather.

It took less time to swear in Vice President Cheney and President Bush than it did to declare the UberHusband and me UberHusband and SnarkWife.

No term limits for us, though.

The UberHusband and I have tickets to go to the big shindig at the DFW Hyatt this year.

I had a nail appointment at 9 this morning, I have a hair appointment at 2 and then we’re off to our luxurious airport runway-view room to nosh on cheese & crackers and partake in a bottle of Veuve Clicquot before clicking our heels three times, saying, “There’s no place like the DFW Hyatt,” then enjoying dinner and the hip sounds of Emerald City.

The UberHusband went to Banana Republic and picked up a sexy outfit reminiscent of Brad Pitt in Ocean’s Eleven. I swear, he’s starting to become a really expensive date.

What are you all doing tonight? Staying in? Going out? Crawling under the covers and counting down the seconds until this God-forsaken year is over? Whatever your plans, stay safe, be careful, have fun and I’ll see you all on the flip side.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I told the UberHusband that if he was ever in the same situation as this guy, keep the finger. The ring can be replaced.

I know you love me. Yes, our wedding rings are a wonderful and precious symbol of our marriage and our commitment, but I’d rather have you fully intact than a piece of metal.

Cpt. UberHusband was an officer in the Army until his active duty stint ended in May of 1999, bringing him to Dallas and two months after that, to me.

I was watching 60 Minutes tonight and they did a story on a couple Individual Ready Reserve officers who were called back up to active duty. They were whining, complaining…saying the clause that basically states officers are permanently on the Army’s proverbial blogroll unless they resign their commission was nothing more than a “back door draft.”

Bullpuckey, as my dad would say.

I know now, as I did five years ago, that Cpt. UberHusband could be called back up. His best friend was called back into active duty in December of 2003 to replace a unit that was sent to Iraq, so it’s not like we’ve been living in a bubble. I hope and pray that he doesn’t get called back up, but I absolutely will not ever go on national television and complain that the United States Army “deceived” my husband because…well, they didn’t.

My husband knew when he was commissioned, he knew while he was on active duty and he knows now that unless he resigns his commission, he could be reactivated. This is no big secret, folks.

For those who think that American soldiers being in Iraq is wrong…unwad your panties and relax. This isn’t a political rant…it’s a rant about sucking it up and accepting responsibility. Even if these people didn’t know the Super Secret Special Code on the Magic Form they signed indebted them to the good ‘ol U-S-of-A for potentially longer than eight years…they found out about it afterwards, so don’t show up 6 years after you incorrectly assumed your time had been served and claim ignorance.

Please.

I was barking my frustration at my husband regarding this topic just a few minutes ago as he was trying to get to his rental car at O’Hare…then the signal got all screwy. Damn. Rantus interruptus.

Last night, the UberHusband and I watched Dr. Phil from Monday, when the topic was, “Ask Dr. Phil & Robin!” I always get a kick out of these shows, because the intent is to provide both the male and female perspective on things. Sometimes I agree, but this season, with the kinder, gentler Dr. Phil…generally, I disagree.

Their first guests were an engaged couple, engaged in a “disagreement” over whether or not the Groom should “be allowed” (yes, they used that term) to have his bachelor party at a strip club.

Do you want my opinion first or Robin’s? Alright…mine it is.

For the record, the UberHusband’s bachelor party consisted of Hooters, a Dallas Mavericks game and post-game whatnot at The Lodge. I didn’t give one whit about what he did because I love his friends, they love me, we’re all one big happy family and well, my husband is not a jerk who is going to do something stupid to jeopardize our relationship. I also wasn’t deathly afraid he’d find one of the strippers to be more appealing than me and dump me when he got home. When he did get home at 3 a.m., he smelled like strip club (or what I imagine one in Dallas would smell like) so I asked him to take a shower…and that was it. He showered, came to bed…and the sun came up a few hours later. No drama, no fanfare.

The reason I bring this up is because I hear woman after woman after woman complain that if her fiancé is going to a strip club as part of his bachelor party, that is somehow disrespectful to her. Please. The best part is most of these women can’t explain exactly how it is disrespectful…um…er…it just is! The Dr. Phil Phiancée said that her man going to a strip club was an inappropriate celebration of their marriage. No, no princess…you’re confusing his bachelor party with your wedding ceremony. The bachelor party has never been a celebration of the marriage, despite what your girlfriends have incorrectly told you. It’s not a test of his love for you. It’s a party. Period. I won’t even get into the barrage of rules and regulations reputable strip clubs have in place to ensure the kind of debauchery you fear won’t even take place.

I always piss people off when I say this but, if you’re that bent out of shape about your man going to a strip club as part of his bachelor party festivities, then either you’ve got serious self-esteem issues, or you’re marrying a insensitive jackass who in fact, had no respect for you before you decided to get married. Only you know for sure, but unless one of those situations apply to you, this shouldn’t be a problem. If you’re marrying an insensitive jackass who has no respect for you though, keep in mind…that is your choice. No coming back later to complain about what an ogre he is because you knew what you were getting going in.

Oh…Mrs. Dr. Phil’s opinion? It’s inappropriate…and the man’s days of carousing and looking at other women are over! Stand your ground, girlfriend! My favorite comment though…was Mrs. Dr. Phil saying the only woman who should be giving him a lapdance is his fiancé/almost-wife! GAH! Compromise, but be sure you get your way, ladies!

I guarantee…what’s going to happen with this couple is that he’ll have his bachelor party…and he’ll go to a strip club with his friends (who probably can’t stand his future wife, and vice-versa) and will spend the next who-knows-how-many-years trying to make sure she doesn’t find out. Why? Because, he’s not a cad. He just wanted a little traditional bachelor party fun and his wife made her insecurities his problem. Too bad. Marriage can be such fun, if done right. From the beginning.