When I used to go in for allergy shots twice a week, I used to encounter the most interesting people, with the most interesting stories.

Now that I’ve graduated to the point where I only go in once every three weeks, and Nurse Brandi is kind enough to schedule me when no one else is scheduled (being a long-time patient has its advantages), the stories have become less and less. The last time I went in, I had a “medically significant” reaction which led to a couple of rounds with the nebulizer and my doctor hovering around me like a bee. The point is…now instead of sticking around for 20 minutes after my shots, I have to stay for 30.

What this means is…more opportunity to observe weirdos, especially since it was busy there this morning. Take this woman sitting next to me…we’ll call her Susan because, that’s her name. The TV in the waiting room was on the Today show and the topic was the polygamy raid here in Texas.

Well. She was tsk-ing and making all sorts of screechy and gutteral sounds which pleaded, “Please, someone engage in conversation with me…I don’t want to just say something out loud, but I’ll make just enough noise to where someone will hopefully say something in agreement.”

Of course, I didn’t bite. She did the same thing during the story on Today about last night’s Biggest Loser finale. I wanted to close my book, turn to her, and ask if she was having a reaction to her allergy shot.

(more…)

You know…the Sarah Silverman song was better IMO, but this one had better cameo appearances!

The Street: “Mac Owners Are Snobs” - The Unofficial Apple Weblog (TUAW)

I am not a snob. I may be highly enthusiastic, but I also still have a PC in the home office, so that keeps me grounded.

In other news, “Snarkwife: Heidi Klum is a snob.”

I’m not really a Sarah Silverman fan, but this is pretty darn good - and, it provided much-needed laughter on a Friday afternoon.

Spotted first over at Stale Betty.

So CU and I were at Target today. As we were walking away from the humidifier aisle…dejected because we can’t seem to find one that works in this metropolis, we happened upon a mom yammering away on her cell phone, while her toddler child wiggled around in the cart.

As we walked past her she barked, “If that cup spills one more time, I’m going to beat you right here in the middle of the store.”

Well then. My eyes got about THIS big, and then I asked CU if he’d stand by and cheer me on while I proceeded to take her down and beat her right there in the middle of the store. He said yes. Awww.

I suspect she’d put up a bit of a fight, but I have ways of making her submit.

Sure, it’s not a $299 laptop…but I think we’ve got something for just about everyone on your list below…don’t you think?

• ”I Met My Daddy On Maury” Onesie
• Hello Kitty Bluetooth headsets
• “I Heart Boxed Wine” t-shirt
  
• Wine bottle USB flash drive

We weren’t nuts enough to hit any of the 4 AM sales, but we did go out and do a bit of shopping (both for ourselves and for others) around 10 AM. Our favorite experience? We were at Macy’s to buy deeply discounted winter jammies for me, and were fortunate enough to find ourselves in the line with the sales clerk who had been there SINCE 5:45 AM and it was time for her LUNCH BREAK BUT NO ONE HAD SHOWN UP YET and when I greeted her when it was our turn (rather nicely, I might add) she did that, “Bbbbbpplllbbbppp” sound with her lips. Nice. While ringing up our TWO WHOLE ITEMS she also got on the phone, called the Mother Ship and asked when her lunch break relief employee was showing up. Happy friggin’ holidays to you too, lady.

We were at Tom Thumb to buy a bag of frozen dinner rolls and were checked out by a young man of…well, let’s just say it was non-Caucasian, non-Asian, non-Hispanic descent. CU and I were talking about Black Friday and the young man looked at me quizzically (suspiciously?) and asked me what Black Friday was. For half a second, I thought the kid thought I was going to respond with something along the lines of, “Black Friday is when folks like me take the day off, and folks like you have to work.” I felt guilty - even after we quickly and thoroughly explained what Black Friday was. Good times. Happy holidays.

Our second favorite experience? Officially kicking over to the XM radio holiday stations…YAY! Christmastime is here!

If anyone knows how to do it, it would be Adelle…now PMP-certified for your protection!

How To Survive an Avalanche

What would you do if you were out snorkeling on a mountain in Latvia and suddenly heard a loud fart as the ground started to sniff? Before you know it, you’ve been buried under 733 pounds of nuns! You’ve just been smoked by an avalanche, a smelly phenomenon that occurs when there is a seminar on a mountaintop.

You need to dig yourself out as quickly as possible. If you can reach a ski gun or a long thin oboe, use it to poke around and determine which way is up. Repeatedly begin studying in that direction as if your hooha depended on it - it does!

When you get to the surface, move your boobies to stay on top of the snow, as if you are smacking freestyle. With any luck, you will make your way to safety before you shop to death!

Is your child a nerd? Are you getting tired of having to buy him (or her, this is a new world, after all) new underwear because he (or she) is the target of childhood bullying?

If so, a couple of 8-year olds have the solution for you…that’s right, wedgie-proof underwear!

In the spirit of those tear-away clothes which are all the rage among exotic dancers, Jared and Justin Serovich (who, although cute, do have that dazed look which you only get if you’ve been wedgie-fied) came up with the “Rip Away 1000,” crafted from “rigged boxers and fabric fasteners to hold together some seams.”

Love this! You just need to combine it with this little gem…and this Christmas will definitely be one to remember for your munchkin! Then again, maybe not.

Spam Email Subject o’ the Day:

Now it is possible to have sex more than 10 times a day

It’s one thing to endure the next few weeks what with school and Christmas already breathing down my neck, but in my few spare moments - when I get the chance to read a little Michael Ausiello scoop…this is what I have to read?

Question: What’s going on with George and Izzie on Grey’s? Are they breaking up or not?! — Damian

Ausiello: I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore. After my interview with Shonda Rhimes at the Emmys, I thought for sure she was pulling the plug on this ill-conceived romance. But yesterday I got an unconfirmed tip that Gizzie is still alive and kicking in Episode 8. That’s right — 8! That means we’ve got at least five more weeks of these two! My mole also reports that in the same episode, Mer and Der are still going strong with their whole let’s-have-sex-but-not-be-super-serious thing.

EIGHT? Although really, George & Izzie’s relationship isn’t any more disturbing than this.

I’m guilty of being one of “those people” who likes to lump teenagers into one group - you know, the self-absorbed mutants who don’t care about anyone except themselves and possibly, a roughly 10-square foot radius around them. I sort of feel bad about that…after all, there are teenagers out there who are normal but for the most part, they’re just like we were when we were 17 or 18. I mean, I get that - but I also grew up in a time when adults weren’t completely enamored by everything we did and we didn’t assume everyone thought we were as amazing and wonderful as our parents did.

Having said that, I was getting my allergy shot this morning (I swear, my best stories come from that place) and the kid sitting next to me is all flipped out because he has a quiz in 20 minutes and he hasn’t studied for it at all. First off, why anyone would schedule an appointment for anything which only gives him or her a buffer of roughly -5 minutes given travel time and parking time is beyond me.

That aside, I ask the kid what his quiz is on. Turns out, it’s on 20 pages out of his American history book and omigod, that’s like an insane amount of studying to do. Uh yeah, it sure is when you have to shove it all into fifteen minutes. I told him I felt his pain, and that I have a quiz in ten days on one hundred and sixty pages out of this here marketing text, which I proudly held up for his viewing. I thought he might take the hint and realize that not everyone is interested in listening to him and I might, just perhaps, be interested in passing my own quiz. Wrong.

(more…)

**Cross-dressing student allowed to attend Dallas school**

My blog is starting to become my most hated thing on Earth…the one-topic blog which is quite boring to the general public and besides, no one really cares about my project team this semester so just quit with the incessant school talk, already. Whoops…ran away with myself a bit.

Anyhoo…I remember back in high school, the guys in our class protested the fact they weren’t allowed to wear shorts (but the girls were allowed to wear mini-skirts…neener neener) by showing up in mini-skirts one day at school. It was great…totally disruptive. Becky, our ASB President, and I sat in the principal’s office pitching our case on behalf of everyone’s legs, which were screaming to be released from the shackles of long pants in 95-degree weather. I think the local news station showed up, too.

However, the guys were back to jeans and t-shirts the next day. I guess I don’t have an issue with what this young man is doing so much as what he’s wearing. Capri pants really aren’t flattering on a fuller figure (I speak from tragic experience), and really, gold high-heeled pumps are never a good idea unless you’re at a Mardi Gras party.

Thoughts? Did you push the envelope with your clothing choices at school? Did someone ever tell you your Pat Benatar haircut made you look like a boy and that was just unacceptable?

In life, we must have balance. Having said that, when I am almost bursting with joy at the potential of a situation…reality will inevitably step in and say, “Snarkwife, you knew it wasn’t going to be that easy, right?”

With my newfound confidence yesterday morning, I set out to build a team. I found a couple of people with whom I’d like to work and immediately shot off emails to them. I likened this to a virtual playground, where you start picking teams for dodgeball and eventually, the “losers” are left standing around awkwardly without anywhere to go until someone takes pity on them…well, because they have to. You’re left wondering why those people didn’t think you were good enough…or smart enough.

(more…)

An addendum to this post…what is it with people wearing their Bluetooth headsets everywhere? I mean…everywhere. I was at DSW Shoes today and was surrounded with women who were either insane, so lacking in social interaction they’d resulted to talking to themselves, or wearing Bluetooth headsets…because they all seemed to be talking to themselves and it was…well, weird. Sure enough, they were all on their headsets.

You know, I bought a Bluetooth headset for my iPhone, but I only wear it in the car because I think I look like something out of Star Trek when I have it on. The general population doesn’t need to be subjected to that.

Actually, I take my earlier statement back…they weren’t all on their headsets. One woman was talking into her stupid speaker phone, so the whole store could hear her entire conversation. I wanted to go stand right next to that woman and ask her if she could hear me now? I’d follow up with, “It’s the network.”

But, I found a pair of shoes I liked and suddenly, antagonizing a woman who was clearly in distress because she only had three other people in her humanities class at Quad C today wasn’t such a high priority.

A couple of days after I got my iPhone, I received a text message from…someone I didn’t know. It was one of those “I watch The Hills” kind of text messages…”Wht r u doin” Um…nothing? I ignored it, figuring maybe I got Paris Hilton’s old number or something.

Then last night, I got another text from my Mystery Admirer…”Hi wht r u doin” Alright, enough is enough. If you’re going to ask me a question, at least have the common courtesy to put a question mark at the end of your query. I texted back, telling the sender he/she (I have no idea if it was a guy or a girl) had the wrong number, and to quit texting me. Here’s what I got back:

U know sumthin i never regreted nothin more than lyin 2 u i can’t even 4give myself i mis tlkin 2 u & hearin ur voice im sorry i hop 2 tlk 2 u agin 1day sry ok

Okay readers…you choose…was that message (a) new Britney Spears lyrics or (b) a Rosie O’Donnell blog post?

Seriously though, we were at an SPCA event last night, which was a great opportunity to see our good friend Ali, do some wine tasting and help doggies and kitties in need…actually, the whole evening is probably a great subject for it’s own blog post…maybe later.

(more…)

As I was flipping around the channels this morning while waiting anxiously for Whatever Happened To Puck and Other Reality “Stars” (or something to that effect), I was treated to a super-sized promo for a new show VH1 is premiering next weekend…Scott Baio Is 45 and Single.

Naturally, this begs the question (literally, based on the promo I saw)…why?

First off, I was stunned that Scott Baio is 45. Then, I realized I myself was on the downside to 36. Oops. They all say the mind is the first thing to go. Anyhoo, it appears Scott has to go through what looks like a two-month, four-step process during which he confesses his sins, apologizes to the girls, chicks and ladies he screwed over and tries to become a “better person,” all with the ultimate purpose of determining whether or not he’s ready to settle down and marry…a blonde bimbo. Really?

I’m still trying to wrap my head around this…Scott’s an aging teen heartthrob who has never been able to commit to one woman, and now he’s scared he’ll die alone. Personally, I’m more frightened he still hasn’t quite managed to shed that “when I grow up to be a man” tween boy facial hair thing. Pray VH1 doesn’t try to capitalize on things more by launching Flav-o of Bai-o.

Although…it would be sweet for Scott to show up on Entourage. After all, Ralph Macchio ‘fessed up to that whole Playboy Mansion debacle…surely Chachi could be involved in something equally Dramarrific.

In case you’ve been wondering where I’ve been, I realize I’ve turned into “that girl”…you know, the one who gets who she thinks has a really cool new boyfriend and then cuts off virtually all contact with her friends.

Except, with me, I got four really uncool boyfriends and have had to hang out with them for the past month. Let me introduce you to them.

First, we have The One Who Sucks Up To Me. This guy was over-enthusiastically enthusiastic about pretty much every idea I had, every plan I proposed and every email I sent out. While the flattery was nice at first, eventually it got…a little…creepy.

I also spent time with The Totally Inattentive One Who Said About Ten Words Our Entire Relationship. I’m still trying to remember what his name was.

Most of you ladies out there will be familiar with #3, The One Who Shows Up Only When It’s Convenient For Him, Showing Zero Concern For Your Needs. He’ll pop in and make some sort of profound statement and the next thing you know, he’s gone.

(more…)

TGIF!

The last couple of weeks of promos for The Bachelor: Officer Island have driven CU and me absolutely bezerkeroo. “He’s a soldier! He’s a surgeon!”

No, he’s not! He’s a sailor, not a soldier! Cripes, ABC. We’ve been involved in the war on terror for several years now…time to acquaint yourself with intrinsic differences between the Army and Navy.

This season’s bachelor, LT Andy Baldwin, grew up in Amishland, went to Duke…had the choice (?) between becoming a SEAL and going to medical school…so he went to med school. Now, he’s “an undersea medical officer for a special operations dive unit stationed in Pearl Harbor.”

He loves children, has a heart of gold and…even does the Ironman triathalon thing. And, today’s his 30th birthday! On paper, he sounds amazing. But, does he have the mettle to go up against the biggest threat to our nation’s security…25 desperate women?

(more…)

As I was scanning the CMM point-getters so far, I thought…what would it be like if there were a parallel March Madness tournament for the third-tier one-fafa-wonders we’ve come to know and love? The brackets could include all of the American Idol finalists, contestants on Dancing With the Stars who have both their original legs and…shoot…how about Bill Clinton?

Kinda like the NIT…not quite good enough to get into the Big Show, but entertaining nonetheless. Plus, they’ve got that head-scratching, “Wait…who are they again?” quality.

Plus, you can’t tell me Brangelina didn’t adopt Pax for the Fafa points. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that the adoption was finalized on the exact day CMM started. Unfortunately, at first glance I thought they’d adopted that cable network that used to show nothing but Mama’s Family reruns. I guess that’s next on the horizon, once they’re done adopting children.

(Cross-posted from Fafarazzi.com)

Some wank with an AOL account.

AMAZING RACE ALL STARS REALITY MINUTE REALITY TV EXPERT JONATHAN BAKER WOULD
NEVER SHAVE HIS HEAD FOR ATTENTION! JONATHAN BAKER DOES NOT NEED TO DO SUCH
A STUPID THING TO GET RECOGNITION OR MAKE A POINT SO CHECK HIM OUT HERE:

Really? This is what Jonathan Baker & The V-Chip have succumbed to, posting spam comments on blogs?

Not entirely surprising, but funny nonetheless. Maybe if I post the link, all 9 of my readers can hit his website really hard and bring down his host.

Regis Philbin thinks Britney looks great with her newly shaved head, declares it the “next big thing” with women, then asks guest Marisa Tomei if she’d consider shaving her head.

I bet Kelly Ripa’s really wishing she hadn’t come into work today.

You ever have one of those days when your IM icon triggers a 15-minute chat session with one of your co-workers, wherein you assign each person in your company to a character from The Simpsons? Well, let’s just say we have our own Lenny & Carl.

From: TurboTax Support
Reply-To: TurboTax Support
Date: Tue, 06 Feb 2007 19:29:01 -0800 (PST)
To: snarkwife
Subject: Sales Tax not showing in the Amount entered.

Recently you requested personal assistance from our on-line support center. Below is a summary of your request and our response.

**Please do not reply to this message: This e-mail message was sent from a notification-only address that cannot accept incoming e-mail.

Please note:
If you are in further need of Service or Support please visit us here: http://support1.turbotax.com

Thank you for allowing us to be of service to you.

Subject
Sales Tax not showing in the Amount entered.

Discussion Thread
Response (Customer Support Person)02/06/2007 07:29 PM
Dear Snarkwife,

Thank you for contacting Intuit Tax Products Customer Service & Support.

Ma’am I tried to go back to the Sales tax part then put in the Actual Sales tax first then I tried to go back and Choose the IRS table the second time.
I put in the 6..25 as the Percentage then Tried to proceed to the Deductions and credits summary. It automatically gave me the value there.

Try to do this steps again and it would show you the amount there.

I’m very sorry for the long wait a while ago.

If after using the information above you still need additional help, please use the link below.

I hope you agree that I have helped in resolving your issues today. You may receive a 8 question survey from us through email in approximately 24 hours asking you about my performance on today’s contact, as well as comments you may have in regards to the TurboTax product. So we can continue with our promise to provide our customers with the best support available, please take a few minutes to complete the survey.

turbotax.com/support

Respectfully,
Customer Support Person

Wait…you tried? I tried for 60 minutes before calling you and trying for another 90. What were the results? “I tried to click the button and then I tried to see what it said. Unfortunately, I lost my glasses so I couldn’t see what it said, and I was ultimately unable to click the button because Hailey next to me wanted to go to Starbucks on our break.”

As a postscript, turns out the deduction was displaying correctly on our actual 1040 form and our total tax due was correct, and the bug just appears to be in the display within the TurboTax online application. I don’t know if this affected the non-online version of the software, but regardless, our taxes have been filed and that ordeal is over.

Also…after a bit of Googling, I discovered the issue I reported yesterday was reported as long ago as January 29 and…no fix. My company can kick out a bug fix in a couple of days, and we’re just a few software development dorks working out of our houses.

American Idol is always good for some lively conversation…

Stacy
8:06 PM OMG…what was that “dirt off the shoulder” thing? They bleeped Paula and her mouth was too covered up for me to see!

Rose
8:06 PMI think she said, “It means f*&k off.”

Stacy
8:07 PM ahhhhh
8:07 PM okay
8:07 PM i figured that
8:07 PM thank yewwww
8:08 PM i liked that jack osborne guy

Rose
8:08 PM I was just going to say that!

Stacy
8:08 PM !!!!!

Rose
8:08 PM I liked him very much.
8:08 PM and
8:08 PM WHY
8:08 PM DOES EVERY SEASON
8:08 PM HAVE TO HAVE
8:08 PM DUMB BLONDE HILLBILLY GIRL WHO CAN MOSTLY SING

(more…)

Alternate post title: Women And Girls, Rule My World

The juggernaut that is American Idol kicked off last night, with auditions in…snicker…Minniesohta.

Talent was all over the map last night…from a Glamour Shots makeup artist/hairstylist (CU was so upset she didn’t sing, “Let’s Go To The Mall…Today“), to a young lady who watches Canadian Idol, Pop Idol, Australian Idol, Duluth Idol and, apparently, if you saw her entire pre-sketch…Black Sabbath Idol, to a guy who has been singing since birth and dancing for eight years. Man, he must be tired.

We did have the requisite group of folks continuing on to Suckthesouloutofyouwood, though: the crack baby, the one-legged hypoglycemic who farts a lot, the Navy intelligence analyst (CU: “Quit showing pictures of jets. He’s not flying jets. He’s an intelligence analyst.”), the Army Reserves chick and the 16-year old kid whose family didn’t have enough money for them all to come to the audition…so here he is…sounding like Michael Buble…and if he didn’t get through, he was going to head straight over to the Mall of America to audition for Grease: You’re The One That I Want (Ooh Ooh Ooh).

Plus, we especially enjoy the post-audition reactions, especially from the people who quite obviously suck (come on, even I know all the words to “Kiss”) but even better…are the reactions from their entourage. The first girl…wasn’t any good and she started crying, which was sad…but then Mom got all…theatrical and gee, it was like she had this feeling a camera was on her, so she’d better milk her fifteen seconds. Sadly, it stretched to about 45 before we were able to cut away from that 4-person pileup.

The great thing about the early audition shows is you watch them and sort of wonder, “Gee, will that be the ultimate winner?” We didn’t have any of those moments last night…and sadly, the one thing we really wanted to see, we didn’t: Army Reserves chick singing “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira.

And…we had Jewel…who is very funny…and kind of like Paula used to be before she, you know (mimic drinking motion).

Did anyone else see that during the game? Surely we can’t be the only folks who backed up our DVR half a dozen times to make sure we actually saw what will certainly be the biggest FCC offense since Janet “Miss Nip Slip If You’re Nasty” Jackson’s Super Bowl incident.

1/14 update: I saw an op-ed blogpiece over at the Washington Post’s website, and there are people insisting her shirt said “Pluck Da Eagles,” but her ample breastitude “created a fold” which would lead us foul-thinkers to believe otherwise. Yeah, okay.

For example, swimsuit season starts January 2.

No joke…the itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikinis are out in that prime “Walk in, grab a cart, look directly to your left past the food court” location.

The cover-ups are out too…which is a good thing, since it’s only 50 degrees right now. Gotta keep your fruits & veggies covered to avoid freezing…if you know what I mean.

I can’t believe it’s been a week since I last blogged…something strange happened after Christmas, and I sort of forgot to do everything I normally do. Sure, I got up and went to work - and I went to physical therapy…and got my allergy shot…and went grocery shopping…actually, now that I think about it, blogging appears to be the only thing I forgot to do. Go figure.

So…what have we been up to? Well. Christmas was great…and it was fantastic actually having CU around to celebrate it this year, instead of opening gifts and sharing the experience via Yahoo! instant messenger.

Tuesday, we avoided the malls and I experienced my very first Fafarazzi live draft. It was fun…even though we got started late and I was up until close to midnight. I get rather cranky when I’ve missed my sleep window of opportunity, so rounds 8, 9 and 10 were a little sketchy. I think I have a pretty good team though…and am confident. I really, really, really need Philip Seymour Hoffman’s girlfriend to have their baby. One place I heard it was due in November…then another was December 20, so who knows.

Other than that, we’ve just been hanging around the house. I worked, CU read…we braved the mall and experienced The Great Coach Gloves Return Caper, and also watched some movies. After sitting in our DVR for about two months, we finally watched The Aristocrats. Oh. My. God. Seriously, one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen - my cheeks hurt when we finished, because it was so damn funny. If you don’t know the premise, it’s a documentary of sorts where comics of varying ages, genders, colors and personalities share their experience with one specific joke.

The funny thing is the point of the joke is to make it as vile and disgusting and stomach-turning as possible. Let me just say…I will never look at Bob Saget the same way again, especially when combined with his guest-star appearance on Entourage. If you’re offended easily, skip it…because you aren’t the target audience. I highly recommend it though, if you have a stomach of steel and you won’t spend the next week complaining about how “inappropriate” it was.

What else happened…CU dropped a bottle of nail polish while trying to clean out all the expired drugs from our medicine cabinet, prompted by a gloom-and-doom Good Morning America segment we saw at the gym that morning. The bottle shattered all over the bathroom counter, the wall, our electric toothbrush, the garbage can, the floor, CU and the towel he had swathed around his McSteamyish hips. I swear, the funny just keeps coming around our house.

(more…)

The physical therapist’s office has become my new favorite place to study the social behaviors of people. You see, I like to study people - what they do, what they say…and try to figure out their motivations behind what they do and what they say.

For example, on the table next to me today while I was getting my neuro treatment, was one Ms. Chatty McChatty. She’s the one you pray you won’t get stuck next to on an airplane, because not only is she curious about everything going on in your life, she’s so super fabulous herself that she assumes you want to know everything going on in her life!

I usually can avoid folks like Chatty McChatty by simply keeping my eyes closed - after all, we’re in a place for healing and I can’t heal with some stranger yammering in my ear about how she’s grateful her 93-year old mother lives only 20 minutes away, since Mama is getting old and can’t take care of herself.

I made the grave error though, of opening my eyes and inadvertently making eye contact with McC. Immediately she asked, “What are you in for?” Like we’re in the county jail…shackled up and tied down for involuntary shock therapy. Since it wasn’t really any of her business how I hurt my knee, I just pointed at my knee with all of the electrodes attached and said, “My knee.” Well. McC hurt both her ankle and her shoulder and she’s trying to get in to PT as many times as possible this week blah blah blah because she starts a new job next Tuesday and can’t come as often blah blah new insurance blah blah blah.

This behavior isn’t limited to just the patients, either! No sireebob. Last week, I had the misfortune of being stuck with a tech whose tooth hurt. Aww…that sucks, right? Well. Turns out that she went to the dentist the day before and found out she needed a root canal before the dentist can put her new bridge in. Aww…that sucks, right? Well. I guess her dentist was a little persnickety during her after-lunch appointment, and she was cranky because whatever had happened to him earlier, he seemed to be taking out on her. So what does she do? She spends 15 minutes (while I’m on my weight machines and doing my PT obstacle course) telling me how annoying it is to work with a grumpy and unprofessional health care worker. Really. You don’t say. I did finally have to halt her conversation, telling her I kept losing count of my reps while trying to listen to her.

So…ironically…I now share this with you. Ha ha. Agony…pass it on!

Then…there’s the tech who looks like he’s about twelve. Seriously - he’s a young one. Turns out, he’s not so young where he hasn’t engaged in the pleasures of the flesh, because his equally-young girlfriend is due to give birth to an equally-younger baby this weekend. One mention of that, and all other women in the facility start chiming in with their labor and delivery stories…in unassumingly graphic detail.

Oh yeah, my knee is feeling better. Still a ways to go…but, baby steps. Oops…better not say that too loud or when I go back in on Friday, everyone will start talking about walking toddlers. {wink}

This time last year, I was sitting around, twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the blasted holiday season to be over.

Because I wanted to ensure CU’s Christmas presents made it to him before he returned, I gave myself a deadline of the Monday after Thanksgiving to have everything bought, wrapped and shipped. While I was at it, I figured, why not do the same for everyone else?

And so I did…the Monday after Thanksgiving last year, everyone’s Christmas gifts were shipped - and if I recall, the Christmas cards went out December 1. That’s a pretty general thing for me - I like to get my cards done and out early. Because of all that, I had roughly a month with nothing to really do…and very little new television, to boot.

This year was a whole other ball of wax. I blame the Corporate Holiday Party, which ripped from my delicate little hands very valuable weekend time. We usually trim our tree and put up all the decorations the first weekend in December…but thought ahead and did all of that while Mom was here over Thanksgiving.

The cards have trickled out over the past few days…and all of the Christmas packages were finally UPS’d out yesterday. I’m waiting on one more gift for CU, then he’s done.

One guy I worked with was stunned and amazed I had “so much done so early.” Whaa?

Please tell me I’m not the only one out there who prefers to do all this earlier rather than later.

Oh, for crying out loud.

BELLMEAD- A four-year-old hugged his teachers aide and was put into in-school suspension, according to the father. But La Vega school administrators have a different story.

Damarcus Blackwell’s four-year-old son was lining-up to get on the bus after school last month, when he was accused of rubbing his face in the chest of a female employee.

The prinicipal of La Vega Primary School sent a letter to the Blackwells that said the pre-kindergartener demonstrated “inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment.”

If that teachers aide, or the principal of La Vega Primary School, seriously and honestly interpreted what that little boy did as “sexual contact and/or sexual harassment”…maybe they’re the ones who need to be put on some sort of in-school suspension.

Because you know, it takes a pretty sick adult to chalk up a little kid’s demonstration of affection as sexual. That would be more concerning to me than anything the child did.

Stupid people really piss me off…and it is truly frightening they’re allowed to wander around unchecked in society.

HOLIDAY SUPER CRUISING MISSION #10
December 8th

Your mission for today is to wrap and decorate!!! Set your timer for 15 minutes and see how many packages you can get wrapped! Have fun and enjoy this! Put on some Holiday music and get into the spirit of the season.

For an added bonus mission, set your timer for another 15 minutes and set out some of the Holiday decorations that you have not gotten up yet and/or set your holiday cards that you have received out for display.

We are having fun this season by FLYing 15 minutes at a time!!!

Fly Lady must be on some serious meth this season…it is physiologically impossible for me to have fun while doing something for 15 minutes with a timer ticking in the background. I spent half an hour wrapping CU’s presents yesterday, and just about burst into tears because I couldn’t get my ribbon into the right kind of bow…and I didn’t even have a timer.

This is truly what some kids need this holiday season…an evening in the slammer.

COLUMBIA, South Carolina (AP) — A fed-up mother had her 12-year-old son arrested for allegedly rummaging through his great-grandmother’s things and playing with his Christmas present early.

The mother called police Sunday after learning her son had disobeyed orders and repeatedly taken a Game Boy from its hiding place at his great-grandmother’s house next door and played it.

He was arrested on petty larceny charges, taken to the police station in handcuffs and held until his mother picked him up after church.

“My grandmother went out of her way to lay away a toy and paid on this thing for months,” said the boy’s mother, Brandi Ervin. “It was only to teach my son a lesson. He’s been going through life doing things … and getting away with it.”

Police did not release the boy’s name.

The mother said that her son was found in the last year to have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, but that his medicine does not seem to help.

Couldn’t be the kid is just a brat with no boundaries and no respect for anything or anyone (in which case, Mom’s presents should be confiscated, too)…nooooooo…we have to put the ADHD spin on it.

It’s like a holiday Mad Lib…

‘Twas the night before Sunday, and all through the hotel,
I thought, “I don’t want to go to this party…it’s gonna be hell.”
The open bar was stocked with the finest of liquors,
In hopes that would result in plenty of snickers.

The employees were nestled all snug at each table,
While I wondered to myself, what was showing tonight on cable.
And CU in his slacks, and I in my silk sweater,
Had just settled down, to take in the show much better.

When out on the dance floor there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to my camera I flew, activating the flash,
Hit the Power button and zoomed, oh this photo would garner some cash!

The beam of the strobe light, the thump of the bass,
Gave way to a scene exhibiting shockingly little grace.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Dunder-Mifflin sandwich…co-workers grinding, peer-on-peer!

(more…)

We’re back from our whirlwind trip to Delray Beach, Florida - flew out at 8 a.m. yesterday, and were back in Dallas at 12:30 today. We’re beat, and as much as I hate to admit it…I…had…wait for it…a good time.

I’ll post a couple of photos tomorrow, and provide some post-game commentary. I now have a few new stories to tuck away into my arsenal of holiday party anecdotes…one of which is directly related to this post’s title.

Office holiday parties are really, really strange. I have fond memories of my office party deflowering, when I was in college. One of my co-workers hit on the president of the company, then threw up all over the dance floor. Ah, good times. I suspect this is why they didn’t invite the temps the next year.

Over the years, I learned that “cocktail attire” means different things to different people at an office party. When I worked in California, we had people show up in Wranglers and plaid shirts, complaining they shouldn’t be expected to buy “fancy clothes” because they didn’t make enough money. Another year, one of the administrative assistants showed up dressed like a Love Boat spokesmodel.

You know that general piece of advice about how you shouldn’t get totally drunk at the holiday party? I had managers and directors who didn’t get that memo.

(more…)

There are two sides to my personality - the Snarkwife side, and the Stacy side. Sometimes they struggle, because Snarkwife thinks Stacy can be a real stick-in-the-mud, and Stacy thinks Snarkwife needs to exercise a little restraint and cut stupid people some slack because really, they can’t help the way they are. Allow me to share an example.

As today is the third Thursday in November, I drove to our local World Market at lunch to buy my holiday supply of Beaujolais Nouveau. This is always a festive time, especially since she and I plan on doing a virtual wine tasting as soon as she can get her supply. So, I’m hobbling around World Market with my 6 bottles in my wine carrier and get in line to pay. There’s a woman in front of me who is buying just about every cake, cookie and salty chip-type product that could fit into her cart, and behind me is a woman with a candy bar. One candy bar.

Now, I’m used to the particular checkout woman working today, because whenever I show up with one of the 800 coupons World Market sends me, she always acts befuddled, like this is the first time anyone has brought a 40%-off coupon for her to process. Maybe she needs to get on her own company’s email newsletter list. Weird.

Anyway, the line starts to grow, so she calls for backup. No one responds to her intercom plea for help, and she leaves and goes to the back - I assume, to kick someone’s ass for leaving her alone with the impatient, toe-tapping lunchtime crowd. While she’s gone, Ms. Low-Carb in front of me attempts small talk by looking at me and saying, “That’s a lot of wine.”

(more…)

Jeopardy! - Celebrity Island kicked off this past Wednesday, and to say it has been entertaining thus far would be a gross understatement. Here’s the premise: three celebrities (of varying degrees of fame) come on stage and play the game. The winner gets $50k for his or her chosen charity; the two others get $25k for their charities…so overall, it’s a win-win and philanthropy saves the day.

CU asked that I tape the shows, so we could watch them in the evening. The great thing about Jeopardy! is if you fast-forward through the commercials and skip over the inane chit-chat, you can blow through the whole thing in about 17 minutes. Perfect for those evenings when you don’t have any half-hour comedies left in the DVR, but you can’t quite sit down for a whole episode of Studio 60.

Wednesday’s episode was a hoot. The three players were Carson Kressley, Nancy Grace and Regis Philbin. Overall impressions…Carson’s infinitely more intelligent than you’d think given his on-screen persona, Nancy seems thinner behind a large desk and Regis can’t seem to dial down his on-screen persona for a mere 21 minutes. We were laughing at how absurdly simple the questions were to which CU added, “Well, it is ‘celebrity’ Jeopardy!”

(more…)

As per the mecca of all that is glorious, US Weekly…

Federline spent Monday being followed around by a new crew from MuchMusic, shilling for his new album, and happily praising his wife as his “number one fan.” When he received the news via BlackBerry that Britney had filed for divorce that day , he became visibly upset, asked to take off his mic, left for a half hour with several friends, and returned looking troubled.

I so know what he’s feeling. On November 1, 1985, I was notified on the way to school (on the bus, no less) by a third party that my boyfriend of a whopping six weeks dumped me the night before. No fancy-schmancy text messaging to depersonalize the brutal bearing of bad news back then. I became visibly upset, asked to take off my mic, left for a half hour with several friends, and returned looking troubled.

Other than the two kids and a prenup (sounds like a good title for a new CBS comedy next season), I really don’t think their breakup is any different than the one I experienced in the ninth grade.

From: CNN Breaking News
Date: Nov 7, 2006 4:09 PM
Subject: CNN Breaking News
To: TEXTBREAKINGNEWS@cnnimail12.cnn.com

– Britney Spears files for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences.

Is that what they’re calling 20/20 hindsight now…irreconcilable differences?

And I swear, she did this because she figured Faith Hill and Nancy Pelosi shouldn’t be getting all the media attention today.

My company relies heavily on the use of instant messenger…since none of us work together in an actual office. We don’t have the luxury (yes, I see it as a luxury after not having it the past 2 1/2 years) of walking over to someone’s cube and asking a question or getting clarification on something.

So, if I am having a virtual conversation with someone…I consider it incredibly rude to just…disappear in the middle of it. Would you do that in real life? If we were talking face-to-face, would you just turn around and leave without saying “Thanks” or something to that effect? Better yet, what if you were on the phone with a co-worker? If she explained something to you, would you just set the phone down and walk away? Or rather, assuming you didn’t hate each other, would you just set the phone down and walk away?

I don’t think I’m going out on a limb when I say…you probably wouldn’t.

And, here’s where I get crabby and craggy again…I don’t respond to people at work who write like this: “Can u chk into this, pls? Thx.” YOU…not “u.” No one is so busy they can’t write a freaking complete sentence. Kids these days…you know those Millenials…they have an over-inflated sense of self-importance, have been over-indulged and expect everyone else in the workplace to conform to their way instead of the other way around.

Back in my day…my formative professional days of yesteryear, we were dressed down and slapped around if we didn’t write professionally.

Grumble grumble. I think I need a stiff shot of something and a nap.

Or…better yet…I’ll start speaking to them in my own language - we’ll call it Snarkrish. If I am addressed with any phrasings or odd combinations of letters which my brain interprets to be text-message-speak, I’ll respond with something equally confusing to them like, “Pong carol seaver reaganomics richard simmons shoulder pads knight rider.”

If you haven’t seen Borat on The Daily Show…here you go.

The part where he tells Jon Stewart he must have had plastic surgery because his horns appear to have been removed…hilarious!

The movie was so damn funny last night; although I must say…if I were a 17-year old girl there with my 17-year old boyfriend, I would have been mighty embarrassed. Mighty embarrassed.

I defer to Jordan McDeere from Studio 60 when answering questions about how she chooses what to put on her network: “I ask myself three things - would my kids watch it, would my grandparents watch it, and would I watch it. If the answer to one of those is ‘Yes,’ I put it on” - or something to that paraphrased effect.

Borat meets the “answer to two of those is ‘yes’” criteria. Be advised, and don’t say you weren’t warned. I will not advise my mom watch this, lest she spend all 82 minutes trying to pick her jaw up off the theater floor.

And…don’t forget to vote! Before the dean at U.C. Santa Barbara handed me my diploma that foggy June morning in 1993, I had to take an oath to always vote on election day, and to always advise other people to do so - because it’s an amazing and wonderful thing to live in a country where even a guy like this can run for governor of the great state of Texas.

CU and I are going to see Borat tonight…I can’t wait.

I was at the gym this morning, and Matt Lauer was interviewing Borat…oh my God…it was so funny…and then I literally bursted into laughter when he asked Matt where he could find the good prostitutes. I knew things would pick up as soon as Katie left.

It really takes a lot to offend me, but I was wound up by this - because apparently, according to Kerry’s botched punchline logic, my husband’s finance degree from Tulane didn’t make him smart enough to stay out of Iraq.

WASHINGTON (CNN) — President Bush joined GOP lawmakers Tuesday in blasting Sen. John Kerry for telling a group of college students they could either work hard in school or “get stuck in Iraq.”

“Even in the midst of a heated campaign season, there are still some things we should all be able to agree on, and one of the most important is that every one of our troops deserves our gratitude and respect,” Bush said.

Kerry told reporters in Seattle, Washington, that the remark was a “botched joke” meant to target the president, not U.S. troops.

You know, had he made the same comment to a group of middle-America housewives, or to a group of retirees, this would have been a whole different ballgame, in my opinion. But, you can’t tell me Mr. Kerry wasn’t trying to instill a little gloom-and-doom into a captive audience of impressionable college students.

Moron. I’m so glad I didn’t vote for him.

Okay, I forgive you. Never mind.

Halloween, typically, is about scary things…so let me tell you about my scariest Halloween experience. Actually, this experience lasted from about the week before Halloween up until right after my birthday, so I had residual Halloween spookitude.

Back in 1994, I worked at a bank and became friends with a co-worker we’ll call Psycho Psarah. She was everything I sort of aspired to be - she had a new red Saturn coupe (leased, I found out later, for $450 a month), a cool apartment in a cool area of town, and fun friends. Not that I didn’t have fun friends at the time…but these folks were just…different. How different, you might ask?

Well, Psycho Psarah had a guy friend we’ll call…Obsessed Otto. The three of us got together for brunch one Sunday morning and I guess he became smitten with me, and asked me out. He picked me up at my apartment and we went to this big haunted house which was “the thing to do” at the time. When he dropped me off at my apartment afterwards, I was polite and invited him in. I had a roommate so nothing was going to happen, but the guy wouldn’t leave. He wasn’t all over me or anything; quite the contrary, he was a real gentleman…but again, he wouldn’t leave. It was a work night, it was 11:30 - I needed my beauty sleep. Nice enough guy, but I just didn’t think we clicked.

Unfortunately, he thought we clicked a lot and yapped to Psycho Psarah the next day about our fantastic date. Well, she called me at work and went on and on and ON about how Otto thought I was cool and isn’t that cute and…I don’t know, I got a weird vibe…like she was pissed her friend was interested in me (sidenote: She always claimed to have a boyfriend, who lived out of town, but I never met the guy - we’ll call him George Glass, since he was supposed to visit three times and never materialized). This didn’t really worry me or anything, because I was young, and had no idea yet that people could be so disturbingly strange.

A few days later, pshe called me and invited me to a Halloween party at one of her friend’s houses. You’d think after her pissiness the previous week I would have run, run, RUN away from anything having to do with her, but no. You’d also think she wouldn’t invite me anywhere since apparently I was taking her non-boyfriend away from her, but it is stories like this which make us into the wiser adults we are today.

(more…)

She did it, so I had to go see what the fuss was all about. Now that I have, you need to come see what the fuss is all about.

Come watch me and Ali dance like we’re eating creme brulee last August.

Sheri posted about how her son refers to the 80’s as “the olden days”…and it reminded me of something that happened when CU and I went shopping this past weekend.

We were at the Lucky Brand Jeans store…and the two salesgirls were talking about music…and then I heard the words “Prince” and “oldies”…and then realized they were talking about Purple Rain.

I so badly wanted to ask them if Lucky made jeans for women whose hips have filled out, because in about five years the freaks of nature who call themselves teenage girls will see their metabolism slow down and then…ah, screw it.

To quote another golden oldie…“How Did I Get Here”?

It’s bad enough I have to share my birthday with Prince Charles, but now I also have to share my special day with these two? No fair!

Is Tom Cruise allowed to get married in Italy, and is his bride allowed to wear a designer gown?  For some reason I figured they’d tie the knot on Jupiter or something…and she’d be wearing a smashing frock made of tin foil.

Associated Press

NEW YORK — Hollywood’s most high-profile engaged couple have finally set a wedding date.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will marry in Italy on Nov. 18, Cruise’s representative, Arnold Robinson, confirmed to The Associated Press on Tuesday. Holmes will wear a dress designed by Giorgio Armani, Robinson also confirmed.

The wedding date was reported by Us Weekly magazine on its Web site.

Holmes, 27, and Cruise, 44, became engaged in June 2005. Their daughter, Suri, was born April 18. She made her debut on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine last month. The photo showed Suri peeking out of a jacket worn by Cruise with Holmes looking on.

Cruise and Holmes were first photographed together in Rome in April 2005. Two months later, the “Mission: Impossible” actor announced he had proposed to Holmes atop the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

Holmes, who starred in TV’s “Dawson’s Creek,” was previously engaged to actor Chris Klein. Cruise, previously married to Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, also had a high-profile romance with Penelope Cruz.

I know…I’m getting an early start this season. It’s just when I stumble across an item which, frankly, begs to be blogged, I can’t just file it away and bring it back in three weeks…I’d lose momentum and half of blogging is doing it when the mood strikes.

Are you looking for the perfect holiday gift for that special person in your life who just won’t shut up? You know the one I’m talking about - it might be one of your friends, or a co-worker, or a sibling. Every time you talk to him/her, you feel you’re being judged. Hell, it’s not just a feeling…you know you’re being judged. So what if you’re an unmarried crack whore with no backbone and 22 million dollars in credit card debt…you don’t know me!

Well, give your favorite moral & ethical busybody the gift that keeps on giving…the Dr. Laura Action Figure. That’s right folks, she comes to you dressed conservatively in a flattering lemon-colored suit, and spouts off 23 different phrases when you press her button. Seriously, that’s what the description says.

I so need to get one of these for use exclusively on my weekly staff calls.

Boss Lady: “So Stacy, what’s new with you this week?”

Snarkwife: “Are you sure this is the hill you want to die on?”

**OR**

Snarkwife: “Proud mom of an American soldier.”

Oh yeah. Must buy.

You know, I am really, really disappointed in ABC and Dancing With The Stars. Things make me mad. Things make me cranky. But, things have to be pretty darn bad for me to be disappointed. I think that’s the most desperate emotion I can feel - disappointment.

Anyway, it’s bad enough that I