Dolly Parton Postpones U.S. Tour Due To Back Injury

In related news…as a bit of an update, what My Awesome Doctor originally thought was bursitis is now suspected to be either a SI joint injury, or a pinched nerve in my spine. My lumbar MRI scheduled tomorrow afternoon should confirm or deny some other things, too.

I’m trying to figure out how to work the word “leak” into my back/hip issues…leaky water pipe, leaky sprinkler system, leaky power steering pump…leaky…spinal fluid?

Oh how I wish I could blame my back problems on too-big boobs. Seriously.

But, it ain’t all bad here at Casa de Snark…our leaky pipe has been capped off and a new one rerouted up through the attic, and we found tile for the kitchen floor this weekend! We also listened to a total dork (even in a post-Seth Cohen world, this guy was nerd with a capital N) yesterday at Steak ‘n Shake talk to some chick named Dorothy on his cell phone for about fifteen minutes IN A REALLY LOUD VOICE about how she needed to go to the doctor since she’s been sick for so long. Honestly…he repeated something resembling that phrase about thirty times during the course of the conversation.

Cohen then went on to tell her that if her a-hole of a father wouldn’t take her to the doctor (quote, endquote), if she could just wait until the end of the month he’d “front” her a hundred bucks to go to the doctor. I said to CU, “What, does she have rickets or something?” Cohen then said he’d write her a check. Heh. Sound like a Judge Judy episode waiting to happen?

But wait, there’s more! Over at the table behind CU, I saw…I guess he could best be described as an Indian McLovin, pull out a pristinely wrapped Trojan condom from his wallet, show his friend and then put it back into the wallet. I was dying. First off, who does that? Secondly, I was trying to figure out if the condom was for use with his lunch companion or some unsuspecting female high school sophomore. As if that weren’t enough, our server…Daunte…kicked off our meal by just walking up to our table and standing there, looking at us. Didn’t ask us if we wanted something to drink, or if we were ready to order, he just…stood there. It was like two animals, staring each other down. Whoever speaks first, loses.

I did not lose.

• New Mac ad: Referee
• McDonald’s coffee bars to take on Starbucks: report
• Dr. Phil criticized for going all Dr. Phil on Britney’s ass
• Golden Globe awards reduced to a news conference, Obama & Huckabee to host. Kidding.
• Colbert & Stewart…back on the air:

• Record temperatures predicted for Dallas-Fort Worth, which means we’ll be getting hit with an ice storm in a couple of weeks.
• In related news…swimsuits and shorts are now available at Target! No link, just wanted to report on this from our local store.
• Survivor: Micronesia cast revealed
• Britney Spears in da (Dr. Phil) house!
• Linguists choose ’subprime’ as word of the year

• TV Lookout: highlights for Jan. 6-12
• Actors refuse to cross Golden Globe picket line
• Mother apologizes for ‘Hannah Montana’ hoax…but fails to apologize for those eyebrows.
• America’s most lustful cities
• ‘Surge’ thrown ‘under the bus’ on annual list of banned words

• Don’t take my tech job, but you can have my baby: Giving Birth Becomes the Latest Job Outsourced to India
• Letterman, Leno & Conan - Back on Wednesday
• One man’s trash is literally, another man’s art: Man Keeps Year’s Worth of Garbage In Apartment
• 3 Dogs Inherit $800,000 Estate

Extreme Makeover: Jailhouse Edition Ty Pennington was tossed in the clink Saturday night for suspicion of DUI. His subsequent apology was brought to you by the fine folks at Sears and Home Depot. First Paige Davis, then Ty…what’s next, Vern Yip decorating Paris Hilton’s jail cell for less than a grand?

Just Like The Dannielynn Trial, Only With More Mature Litigants…Sorta: Three parties are so interested in obtaining custody of Alex the golden retriever, that the dog was assigned his own counsel to represent his best interests. “In the consent order the judge approved, the elder Callan and his ex-wife, Esther Snow Gnall, will trade custody of Alex every two weeks. Both parents also agreed to take the dog to the veterinarian for arthritis treatments and any other needed procedures.” So, if you see a couple of disgruntled older people handing a dog off to each other on Friday night at McDonald’s, it’s probably them.

Great…Another “Giggly”: Critics have already begun panning Lindsay Lohan’s new film “Georgia Rule,” which despite also starring Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman, can’t seem to move past the fact that it also stars Lindsay Lohan. I’ve seen the trailer. Don’t see this movie. Snarkwife Rule.

Look Out Taye Diggs…Rose Is Coming For You! The producers of Lost have mapped out the remaining 3 seasons (48 episodes total) of the series. Mid-way through season six, all of the infertile women on the island will be sent to the Oceanside Wellness Clinic to get a dose of Dr. Addison McMontshepherdgomery and her private practice of snake oil salespeople. After the women are told their submarine has indeed sunk…again…they all hook up with Tim Daly before landing gigs on the 23rd season of The Bachelor.

No One DOR’s In The Eleventh Week! No One! Bachelorette Amber was sent home last night on The Bachelor, after Randy Andy declared her apartment “like a sorority house” when their 7-year age difference knocked him over like mile 25 of the Ironman marathon. Oh yeah, and her parents declined to meet him. I have no idea why he wouldn’t want to cling to that level of baggage with all his Navy might. Go Tessa!

The Princess And The P: American Idol season five contestant and Gary Coleman-lookalike Paris Bennett has a new CD coming out. My mom was not a fan of Mistress P, so naturally, I told her I’d be getting two copies of the CD for her for Mother’s Day. You know, one for the car and one for the house…so she’ll never be without her tunes.

For $1.04 More, You’ll Get Free Super Saver Shipping: On a funny sidenote…the Amazon page reads, “Buy Princess P and get Elliott Yamin at an additional $2.00 off Amazon.com’s everyday low price. Buy Together Today: $23.96″ Really?

Gilmore Girls Is Ending It’s 231-Season Run: To quote the fabulous Dakota Fanning…”I’m not familiar.”

Spider-Man 3 Opens Tomorrow: What rock have I been living under?

I’m Thinking A Cross Between Jarhead And Private Benjamin: Jessica Simpson will star in a new movie about a down-on-her-luck actress who joines the Marines. Wouldn’t it just be easier for her to call VH1 and ask them if she can be on The Surreal Life?

Reading, Riting & Really Awesome Margaritas: Parents in a Houston suburb are miffed Bachelorette Amber, a local elementary school teacher, took a leave of absence to go on The Bachelor. Personally, I don’t see what the fuss is all about…I think this is a fantastic opportunity to teach the young girls…the future Bachelorettes of the world…that there is indeed somewhere else they can wear their prom dresses again.

Nerd Alert! This chick finished college in a year, and is starting law school in the Fall. Look for her next season on Boston Legal, as Denny Crane’s new love interest.

Next Monday…On A Very Special Dr. Phil House: Alec Baldwin. Just him. In that big house. All alone.

Snoop…Australian For “No Thanks”: Snoop Dogg has been barred from entering Australia after failing a character test. As if that weren’t bad enough, now it’s highly unlikely he’ll be the person responsible for saving the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 anytime soon.

While you were selling copies of your new CD, former American Idol contestant Bucky Covington…Merilee Jones chose to watch The Bachelor instead of taking that valuable time to update her resume…and had the worst week ever!

I Think I’d Make It…About Ninety Seconds: Do you have what it takes to quit complaining for 21 days? “They” say it takes that long for a behavior to become a habit. I ordered one of the cool purple bracelets today, and it should be here in 6 weeks. Cripes…they couldn’t offer expedited shipping?

Heather: 2, RoboLeg: 0: Charity case activist Heather Mills stunned America by doing a backwards walkover (isn’t that what Locke was denied on Lost?) in a green pantsuit with tassels. Is it wrong to be annoyed that a woman who is older than me and has one less natural leg is a better dancer than me? Billy Ray Cyrus, you should be ashamed she upstaged you the way she did. Hey, I don’t have the bracelet yet.

Good Morning America, Doing What It Does Best…Pander To The Stay-At-Home Mommy Contingent: This morning, the show dropped this bombshell on an unsuspecting America which, I suspect, was having a Good Morning:

The National Institutes of Health study, which tracked 1,364 children since birth, determined that preschool kids who spent time in day care were more likely to be reported for problem behavior later on in life by their sixth-grade teachers. But it also found that fifth-graders who went to day care had better vocabulary scores.

I’m sorry…but did anyone notice there are several years between preschool and the sixth grade? Anyone else care to wager a guess as to what else could cause “problem behavior” to increase during those 5-6 years? How about dismissive parenting, no boundaries, and a lack of consequences for poor behavior? I listened to the whole segment, and there’s a half-second portion of the show where…unless you were paying reallyclose attention…you’d miss it. Want to know what that portion said? It said the number of sixth graders displaying behavior issues was slightly higher amongst those who had been in day care. Uh huh. That’s what I thought.

Attention, All Military Wives: Support your troops by making an appointment to gather around the television next Monday, to make fun of the silly girls who think being married to a military man is all bulging biceps and starched uniforms! Alternately, every time they say there’s nothing like a man in uniform…drink!

The Ides Of Lost: So, a rather satisfying conclusion to one of Lost’s “mysteries” was revealed last night…do the Others really have contact with the “real world”? The answer is an emphatic “You betcha!” because, how else could you explain Claire’s cute ‘n swingy bangs unless someone had slipped her the latest issue of In Style?

At Least It’s Not David Silver’s Baby…Or God Forbid, Ray Pruitt’s: Tori Spelling and her husband gave birth to a baby boy on Tuesday, naming him Liam Aaron Spelling. Sadly, whether this little boy likes it or not, he’ll get Candy when he goes to Grandma’s.

And Lame-o Was It’s Name-o: ABC’s bringing bingo to your Friday night lineup this summer. I think Seth & Summer were on the right path with Briefcase or no Briefcase. But, they’re gone now so…you get bingo. You’ve been duly warned. Make sure you have something else to do on Friday nights.

Great Moments in Parenting: I just had to share this, from my trip to Target at lunchtime. I was buying cards and came around the corner to hear a screeching little girl (probably about two). Her mom says, “Do you want a bracelet?” Wails of displeasure. “A necklace?” More yelling. “Well then Trinity, what do I have to buy you to make you be quiet?” I was stumped. What do you think you could buy to quiet a screaming toddler?

Please, Make The Lambs Stop Screaming: Anna Nicole Smith is finally laid to rest in the Bahamas, near her son. Now, back to your regularly scheduled Fafarazzi season life.

I Can’t Believe He Lost On Jeopardy!: John Ratzenberger née everyone’s favorite mail-delivering trivia freak Cliff Clavin, is replacing Vincent Pastore on Dancing With The Stars, who bailed out after one week of practice. There are reports Heather Mills may also be exiting, but I’d like Heather to stay…because I really need to hear Bruno ask, “Do you have extra batteries in your leg?”

Perpetual Stupidity Is The New Black…Or Salmon: I can’t believe I voluntarily sat still, and not only listened to Kelly Picker sing last night on American Idol, but I also listened to her “talk.” Yeah, those quotes are intentional. And, all of a sudden…not so much smarter than a fifth grader. But, it was even more painful to watch Leslie “I can’t believe I’m scattin!” Hunt get the boot. Sadly, every woman of Caucasian persuasion looks…and sounds…exactly the same to me, and I’m just biding my time until they all go home. But come on, Sanjaya’s still there? Guess what kids, we have our WTF? Contestant for this season.

Lock Up Your Underage Daughters: Big Love returns to HBO on June 17.

My Next-Door Neighbors Are Moving, Too. Where’s Their Show?: Before you ask …yes, you’re reading this correctly. A new reality show will focus on Victoria Beckham’s move to the colonies. Can I call her U-Haul Spice? Please? Oh, I am so calling her that from now on.

News Flash! Gen Y-ers Are Self-Absorbed: Yeah, and those Boomers though we were bad. I must not be that special, because I had no idea “Frère Jacques” meant “I am special.”

Having Said That, Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? If they all know the words to “Frère Jacques”, then the answer would be “No.”

Speaking Of Being Smarter Than A Fifth Grader: Howie K. and Larry decide to negotiate their personal settlement the civilized, gentlemanly way…in the full media spotlight. Probably more effective than Rock, Paper, Scissors, I guess.

Hey…Now That You Mention Rock, Paper, Scissors: That’s probably all I’ll have in my retirement…Dow industrials plunge more than 500 today.

And Finally, Proof Of What We Already Knew: It Seems Only The Idiots Of The World Win The Lottery:

Ed O’Neill’s bank account just got a lot bigger, thanks to a co-worker who told him some “idiot” hasn’t claimed an $800,000 Powerball lottery prize.

O’Neill, 58, who works for the Clinton Chamber of Commerce, bought the ticket for a January 6 Powerball drawing. He told Iowa Lottery staffers he didn’t think to check the results until a couple days afterward, when a chamber receptionist pointed out an article in the local newspaper.

“She said, ‘Read this article about the idiot that hasn’t claimed his ticket.’ So I read it and noticed where the ticket was bought,” O’Neill said. “I thought, ‘Gee, I better look at my ticket.’ That’s when I said, ‘I think I won.”‘

An Australian Outback Hottie For Just $40 A Day: Survivor hottie Colby Donaldson “will be a regularly featured ‘content buddy,’” on The Rachael Ray Show, talking about what men want and answering burning questions like, “Is chivalry dead?” and “Did you and Jerri really not ever hook up?” So much for that acting career.

I Really Need To Keep Up With My Desperate Househaikus: Rosie O’Donnell has lots to say about the current state of Britney’s head and how she wants all the 24-year old girl train wrecks to come live with her. Mmm hmm. Someone needs to tell Rosie that text message speak (write? type?) is not exactly inspirational prose. Oh, and “Brit” has one T, not two.

This Is What I Get For Not Recording Studio 60 Last Night: Looks like it’s probably getting cancelled.

Now, Go Out And Make It A Great Day…With A Couple Of Strippers: XM Radio and Sirius are merging in a deal worth a reported 13 billion dollars. It’s like my dream come true…Dr. Laura and Howard Stern…just a few clicks away from each other on the dial. Oh wait, what’s the term the kids use these days…not dial…digital channel lineup.

The First Step To Recovery Is Admitting You Have A Blackberry: The 12 steps to cure e-mail addiction. Let me add another one…#13 - BEHOOVE PEOPLE TO QUIT SENDING MASS EMAILS TO THEIR “FRIENDS AND FAMILY” ABOUT STUPID THINGS ONLY THEY CARE ABOUT. If you can’t be bothered to send something to me and only me once in awhile, why do you think I’d care about your reaction to some left-wing nutjob’s blog post about…anything?

Today’s award for “Most Groan-worthy Cliches In Two Paragraphs” goes to this story:

PACIFIC, Mo. - It’s not the traditional “till death do us part,” but Scott Amsler and Miranda Patterson believe getting hitched in a graveyard is just thinking outside the box.

Come September, the Illinois couple expects to pledge their undying love among the dearly departed in this St. Louis suburb’s city cemetery, even though those who approved the request are dead set against seeing it become a trend.

It’s been a loooooooong time since I did this…

Not Gonna Have Much Of A Clinic With That Amount Of Coin: Tom Sizemore and our own Doctor Model released a movie last year, which grossed an astonishing thirty dollars. And yes, that’s American dollars. It was released in one theater here in Dallas, one showing a day for a week and it grossed…thirty…dollars. Hey, I ate everything in the refrigerator last night. Everything. Including a tub of butter. There’s no judgment here.

I Swear, It’s Like A Bad Episode Of Montel: Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, has officially filed papers asserting he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. I suppose I should just tell all of you this now…as soon as he gets back from Paris, Capt. UberHusband will also be staking claim as the father of her baby. Nothing you can do really, except wait for him to pop up as the next Fafa head.

Hey, Where’d You Two Come From? Lost executive producers & master torturers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse promise us that by the time they execute their plan for elaborating on Nikki & Paulo’s stories, they’ll become iconic characters. Who are they again? And more importantly, do we really care anymore?

While I Was Folding Clothes, Watching The Office And Wondering Why The Fur On Daisy’s Paws Has Suddenly Started Turning Auburn…these 24 people were having the best week ever!

Where, Quite Literally, The Streets Have No Name: North Dakota House rejects bill to honor Bono. Even better, Fargo state Rep. Scot Kelsh, who sponsored the measure, got the idea from a magazine. Sure, it was a magazine published by the National Conference of State Legislatures, but why limit yourself? Entertainment Weekly had a great article last week about Rashida Jones, let’s make her the official state paper company employee!

And…I meant to post this today before we left…

Now See, Yardwork Can Be Fun! Two friends find over $100,000 in buried treasure while digging up a tree in the backyard. One of the men allegedly started “ranting like a rabid monkey,” which now makes him eligible for a cush government job at the Delhi airport.

Do Models Really Just Eat Quackers And Ketchup? Melania Trump, AKA Mrs. Donald Trump, makes her acting debut in an upcoming AFLAC commercial. Oh my, any serious actress would have to be on quack to take a job like this, because I’m sure working on the AFLAC campaign isn’t all it’s quacked up to be. Oh wait…I have one more…I’m quacking up over this!

Snarky’s Eleven: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie “were spotted” frolicking together in Ethiopia. Whew. I’m so glad I brought her along to distract the paparazzi…

I’d Like The Original Recipe, All White Meat: Pamela Anderson wants you to boycott KFC. Why? She’s tired of competing with their tender, juicy breasts.

Feral Hogs Running Wild In Texas: I know! And, they all shop at my neighborhood Tom Thumb grocery store!

Thank God I’m Not A Panda: Pandas at the San Diego Zoo have “successfully mated,” according to officials who noted the location and time. It’s that bamboo massage oil…gets the girl pandas every time.

I Coulda Been On The Contender: Mike Tyson, connossieur of fine earlobes, will re-enter the boxing ring this June. This disturbs me, not because he’s disturbing in and of himself and not because he’s practically an old man, but because I can’t help but think of the great things he could have done (a) had he been a hot chick and (b) Clint Eastwood had been at his side.

We Told You Results Weren’t Typical: Apparently, Nautilus hasn’t been all that honest about the hundreds of thousands of injuries on it’s Bowflex machines. I had a feeling things weren’t right when I took mine out of the box and it looked like this.

Merlot? Pinot? Chardonnay? What Goes With Tiger? Check it out…a winery with a bed & breakfast adjacent to a tiger habitat! Past guests have said, “They’re GRRRRRRRRReat!”

Please Sir, May I Have Another…Logo Sweatshirt? Always on the cutting edge of entertainment, England is building a theme park based on the life of Charles Dickens. No word yet on whether Oliver Twist’s Grueleteria & Gift Shoppe is part of the plans.

One More Season Of Haikus, Coming Up: ABC has renewed Desperate Housewives and Lost for the upcoming Fall television season. Why do they keep cancelling the jewels and keeping the crap? Sheesh.

Ten To One Their Reality Show Airs Before Britney’s: Prince Charles & Camilla Parker Bowles will have to acknowledge their sins and wickedness when they tie the knot on Saturday. Prince Charles, now that you’ve made an honest woman out of your mistress, what are you going to do? “We’re going to Walt Dickens World!”

It’s The Desperate Housewives Issue…How Ironic: Mrs. Jonathan Baker AKA Victoria Fuller, is featured in the May 2005 issue of Playboy. Yeah, I took a peek at the “free preview.” She’s awfully…glossy. And plastic looking. Oh wait, that was James Spader.

THE NEW NEWLYWEDS: Tabloid magnets Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are bringing their icky love story to UPN. According to Variety, the newlyweds will document their courtship, engagement and wedding in a six-episode, as-yet-untitled reality series to air during May sweeps. “From the day that Kevin and I met, there have been constant rumors and inaccurate speculation about our lives together,” Spears said. “I am really excited about showing my fans what really happened rather than all the stories. I am now going to be expressing my personal life through art.” The majority of the show will consist of video shot by Spears and Federline themselves, with UPN adding in confessionals and follow-up footage of the inevitable annulment ceremony.

I feel your pain, Britney. The UberHusband and I too have been barraged by constant rumors and inaccurate speculation about our lives together. First everyone was suspicious of how we met, then they thought we didn’t know each other long enough to get engaged…and that incident at the Palms Hotel…well, we won’t get into that. And the pregnancy rumors! Well, I’m sure we both know how old that can get.

We’ve also been shopping around the story of our six-month courtship, year-long engagement and four years of marriage! So far, the only folks showing any interest have been the SciFi Channel and CNBC. We’re still waiting to hear back from our homeowners’ association monthly tabloid newsletter. It’s no UPN, but it’s close.

Look! Love Didn’t Lead Me Back! Due to a “snafu,” voting telephone numbers for three American Idol contestsants were displayed incorrectly Tuesday night, so all of the votes were deemed null and void. We all know what this means…sabotage! I saw you sitting in the audience, Donny Osmond…I’m on to you. Your teen pop sensation years are over. Let it go.

Can I Be A Cocktail Doggie Mom? In response to the Hurried Mom Syndrome Of Years Past, Mary Jacobs explains how we all turned out okay and learned how to think for ourselves. Oh wait, I already am a Cocktail Doggie Mom. “Run outside and play, Daisy…Mommy’s got a staff meeting and needs to fix her vodka gimlet before it starts.”

It Only Took Six Seasons, But My Wish Has Been Granted: Third Watch has been cancelled.

And You Though Omarosa Was “Bad”: Donald Trump wants Michael Jackson to headline a show for him in Las Vegas. Considering I read an article in the paper yesterday where Celine Dion said most of the folks attending her concerts were generally drunk, sick or asleep…seems like a fitting gig for The Gloved Pun.

What Will They Say…Monday At School: John Travolta has revealed he’s a member of the mile high club, having partaken in the pleasures of the flesh with his wife in the cockpit of his plane. Where are those air marshals when you need them, to tap on the side window and shine a flashlight in, telling the kids to knock that funny business off?

I Haven’t A Square To Spare: The Florida legislature wants to tax toilet paper. Talk about money literally going down the drain. Don’t like that? How about…what a crappy idea?

Why Yes, I Would Like Fries With That: Dutch cafeteria worker fends off robber with piping hot french fries.

Take *This* Under Advisement, Jerkweed: In the same day, I read about how Bruce Willis has threatened his daughter’s suitors with bodily harm, and an article about how he was literally all up in Lindsay Lohan’s grill. If Bruce thinks he’s tough, he’s obviously never met Ms. Lohan’s daddy.

Serves ‘Em Right: Martina Navratilova is suing the sponsor of a credit card directly marketed to gays and lesbians, saying it uses her name and likeness after her request last month to stop. Let’s all be honest here…she’s just pissed she didn’t get a 0% introductory rate.

Your My Tax Dollars At Work: Texas defends the cupcake. I swear to God…if somehow my property taxes are raised even more because of this…eh, what do I care. I’m moving to Washington in a few months.

People All Over The World, Join Hands, Start A Love Train: The think-tankers at Dartmouth University have figured out why you can’t get that damn song out of your head…hee hee…now you’ll be singing “Love Train” all day. Hee.

He Was A’ight Before, Now He’s Quite Simply…A Dork: Seacrestized “rocker” Constantine makes it through to the final 12 of American Idol. I will bet ten gazillion dollars that had he been wearing that blasted Justin Guarini t-shirt on Monday night when he was performing instead of Wednesday during the results show, he wouldn’t be coming back next week. Seriously, dude. At this stage of the competition, he should know better. At least wear a Diana Degarmo t-shirt.

Insert Your Own Mile-High Club Joke Here: Boeing Fires CEO After Affair With Exec

But Dude, You Are No Kindergarten Cop: Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier takes the #1 box office spot for this past weekend.

Here’s The Weather In Your Neck Of The Woods: Former NBC Today Show weather guy Willard Scott will celebrate his 25th anniversary on the show March 10. Before hawking Smuckers Jam and flirting with little old ladies, Willard was the first Ronald McDonald and also the first Bozo the Clown. Moving to the Today Show seems like a natural progression, doesn’t it?

Don’t You Know Who I Am? I’m Dr. Drake Ramore! Days of our Lives soap actor Jason Cook is arrested at an Iowa airport for trying to bring his bong on the plane with him. No laugh track, I’m guessing.

And Because Of Alert Airport Personnel Like Those At The Des Moines, Iowa International Airport: Last year was the safest since World War Two for commercial air transport, both in terms of passengers killed and aircraft destroyed or irreparably damaged!

And You Thought Your Wedding Was A Pain In The Ass To Plan: After having to change venues from Windsor Castle to the Jolly Good Little White Secular Wedding Chapel, Prince Charles and Future Princess Consort Camilla, under Britain’s 1994 Marriage Act, may have to allow commoners (oh, the humanity!) to attend their wedding and object to the nuptials if so desired.

Speaking Of Weddings…Child rapist/Princess Consort Mary Kay LeTourneau and her victim/fiance, Milli Vanilli, have a rather significant bridal registry set up at Bon-Macy’s. I’m not sure which I find most offensive, the fact that these two are getting married, the fact that they have more on their wedding registry than I did or…the fact that people seem to be buying them stuff.

Million Dollar Surprise: Seen Million Dollar Baby yet? My mom, the UberHusband and I went and saw it Saturday afternoon. Great movie…great acting…and the best surprise in my opinion since the he/she eye-popper that was The Crying Game.

Look At Me, I’m Squeaky Clean: Sandra Dee, best known for her beloved surf-chick-with-a-heart-of-gold character in the Gidget movies, has died at age 63.

All In: Jeff Gordon wins his third Daytona 500 race, guaranteeing he will not be back for another round of Celebrity Poker Publicity Showdown on Bravo.

I Still Do Not…Have…Anthrax: Dan Rather will host his own farewell tribute March 9 on CBS, guaranteeing the viewing public that if he tells any untruths, he literally will have no one to blame but himself.

Even Vern couldn’t fix this train wreck in a weekend with only $1,000. Paige Davis is fired from TLC’s Trading Spaces…or, she “is leaving the show.” Depends on which article you read and which philanthropic event attendee you ask.

Mark your calendars for the Academy Awards telecast on February 27. Expect an Annette Bening/Hilary Swank smackdown involving pizza and Chad Lowe. Virginia Madsen will bring the wine. Natalie Portman will be on hand to break up all the happy marriages.

Greed? Not so good. Michael Douglas has officially lost his mind.

And again, no one seems to be offended by Moe’s backside: The FCC denies 36 indecency complaints including…The Simpsons!

A complaint over “The Simpsons,” which airs on Fox, included a scene from a November 2003 episode in which students carried picket signs with the phrases “What would Jesus glue?” and “Don’t cut off my pianissimo.”

President Bush is nominated for a Razzie for Worst Actor in Fahrenheit 9/11! No one even noticed that Ben Affleck was nominated for two different movies. Uh huh. His little plan appears to be working.

She was yelling something about an apple, a tree and…something about not falling far, I believe. OJ Simpson’s 19-year-old daughter Sydney was arrested and charged with resisting arrest. Daddy must be so proud.

Midwest Airlines is now giving your pets frequent flier miles! You know, I’m okay with this as long as my dogs don’t ever get automatically upgraded to First Class, while I sit back in Coach like a schmuck. And please, no headphones for the in-flight entertainment…they can only understand about a hundred words anyway.

Survivor’s Richard Hatch is a sneaky, conniving weasel who will do anything to further his own selfish, arrogant agenda! No, really!

Toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, toniiiiiiiiiiiiight, I’ll fire you, yes, toniiiiiiiiiiiiiight: Get ready for The Apprentice: The Musical. I laughed, I cried. It was better than Cats. Not really. But…how great would it be to see a one-man performance of The Apprentice: The Musical, done with characters from The Simpsons? Mr. Burns as The Donald. Mrs. Krabapple as Carolyn…Comic Book Guy as George…Sideshow Bob (or perhaps, Justin Guarini as Sideshow Bob) as Stacie J. and of course, Lisa as Omarosa.

American Idol kicked off it’s latest season this week. Please, I know that in the aftermath of 9/11 it’s hip and cool to be patriotic but please…please…no more screechy Super Bowl-sized renditions of “God Bless America” or “The Star Spangled Banner”. That’s kind of like burning the flag. Thanks. Stick to vanilla been-there-heard-that songs like, “You Are the Sunshine of My Life,” anything by Whitney Houston and the entire Peabo Bryson catalog. Thanks so much.

Deep, Cleansing Breath. Have I mentioned Jonathan Baker and the V-Chip were eliminated from The Amazing Race on Tuesday? I have? Twice? Okay. You can’t tell me though, that it doesn’t feel good to read that over and over and over. Like a homemade soup, it’s even better after a couple of days.

The Spare strikes again. This boy man prince is one step away from hooking up with Athena Onassis, renting a pink RV and travelling Europe in The Royal Life…coming this fall on Fox.

¡Coma mis cortocircuitos! ¿Usted ha visto siempre “Los Simpsons” en español? ¡Muy está entreteniendo! ¡Muy continental!

A Romanian couple named their son Yahoo as a sign of gratitude for meeting over the Internet. Be grateful they didn’t meet at BarelyLegalandHot.com.

The season finale of North Shore airs tonight. It’s January. This can’t be good for the show although, it’s great for me because they won’t be filming on the beach in front of our rental like the last time we were out there.

The Donald is having The Wedding on January 22. No fair! I have to watch the premiere of The Apprentice 3 next week on my anniversary, he should have to suffer too! What? I don’t have to watch it and can instead go out to dinner with the UberHusband? Well, okay. If you say so.

Kevin Federline has reportedly “banned” popwife Britney Spears from shopping. Ha! That’s rich. Who’s bringing all the money into the marriage here, cupcake?

A North Carolina Fox TV affiliate refused to show Who’s Your Daddy? last night because the subject matter was deemed “offensive”. Indeed. Speaking of offensive, have you heard how North Carolina taxes drug dealers for peddling their illegal wares?

My local Fox TV affiliate showed it, though! I posted my review/recap of it last night, but what I failed to mention is that my dog Daisy now wants to find out who her Birth Father is and she wants $100,000 for her trouble. She thinks she could figure out who it is by just having all of them bark a couple of times. As long as they don’t instant-message back and forth, which could prove problematic anyway what with the whole opposable thumb thing.

Amber Frey, the former mistress of convicted murderer Scott Peterson, publishes her memoirs today. If you order in the next thirty minutes from Amazon.com, you won’t get Super Saver Shipping (unless you spend $9 more) but you will get a three-pack of Lysol to disinfect yourself and everything around you after reading it. Ewww.

Ranked right up there with Scout, Moon Unit, Phinneus and Apple: Miracle baby “Tsunami” is born amidst the devastation of post-tsunami India. Quoting the new mom, “It was the doctors who suggested we name the boy Tsunami and we also liked the name and decided to call him that. After all it is a name everyone will instantly notice and remember.” Er…yeah. Okay.

Stacy said @ 7:41 am

Guess he doesn’t drink Taster’s Choice? Unwitting coffee model gets a multi-million bean settlement. I don’t get this. How can you live that many years and not have a single person say, “Hey, you look just like the guy on the Taster’s Choice label”?

Orlando Bloom & Kate Bosworth have split up. Yeah, I don’t care, either. Kate’s not really my type.

Wait, we’re not talking about having sex with Yogi Bear? Yogi Berra is suing TBS for $10 million for allegedly “defaming” him by referring to him in the same sentence as the term “Yogasm” in an episode of Sex and the City. Get over yourself, buddy…and buck up because…

Old men on Medicare can now get it up like their younger, pill-happy counterparts. So much for my grandma having time to start up her granny blog.

Tara Reid’s biological clock is ticking! Excellent. Finally, a practical use for that exposed breast of hers.

Last one of the year…let’s see what we’ve got…

A 19-year-old man in Louisiana, peeved that he got CDs instead of cash for Christmas, shoots at his family. Aside from the obvious joke about how his parents should put those CDs up on eBay and use the proceeds to buy a new heater for their church, was it really necessary for the Associated Press to point out they were living in a trailer park? Isn’t that sort of a given?

Liza Minnelli fell out of bed and whacked her head on Monday. You know, if she were still married to David Gest, this never would have happened. His soft, squishy face would have broken her fall nicely.

Bad-ass manager tells his comatose employee to “get his ass back to work” - and…the guy wakes up! Ah…a return to the good old days. Gone are the days of touchy-feely politically correct management. Snap out of that coma and get that freaking TPS report to me, pronto!

Sick of Ken Jennings yet? The producers of Jeopardy! sure aren’t as they’re planning a “Super Tournament.” Super. Now I can continue to feel super-stupid on an even grander scale. Yay. Just remember…H & R Block, not FedEx.

Sacred Elvis water sells for $455 on eBay. Sucker. Patsy Cline “Crazy” straw not included.

Stacy said @ 5:04 pm
Filed in: Snark Bites | | Printer-Friendly Snark

Kelly Perdew became The Donald’s second “Apprentice” last night, in quite possibly the lamest spectacle ever on television. Regis Philbin…gah. Thank God he didn’t ask The Donald if that was his final answer when he “hired” Kelly. That would have just sent me over the edge.

Sadly though, The Donald did not skydive out of a plane and motorcycle his satin tie to Lincoln Center. And what was up with the verbal “letters of recommendation” given to The Donald by Kelly and Jen’s current employers? I wish the two bosses would have said what they were really thinking, “Please hire Kelly/Jen because I sure as hell am not going to be able to deal with him/her if he/she loses and has to come slinking back to my company with his/her tail between his/her legs.

Congrats Kelly…and be sure to ask Boyfriend Bill Rancic what it’s like to sit around and watch your project go nowhere for a year.

That was an extra large bite o’ snark.

Survivor host Jeff Probst and Vanuatu castaway Julie Berry are dating. This only concerns me for a couple of reasons. One, I thought Probsty was married and two, you just know that next season they’ll have all the castaways living in the same camp, Jeff will move in and they’ll all compete for one-on-one dates with him.

Movie rental juggernaut Blockbuster has eliminated it’s late fees. Now if it could just eliminate the dim-witted folks up at the checkout counter, we’d be good to go. LONG…LIVE…NETFLIX!

Caesars in Atlantic City has been fined for for using surveillance cameras to spy on female employees and customers sitting at casino tables or riding escalators. Gives a whole new meaning to the terms, “Bottom Hand,” “Texas Hold ‘Em” and “Trump Taj Mahal Hotel and Casino.”

Who’s Your Daddy?, a one-time Fox special airing January 3, is ruffling all sorts of feathers. I guess the real question shouldn’t be “Who’s your daddy?” but, “Would I really want some dork on a Fox reality television show to be my daddy? {shudder}

Regis Philbin will fill in for ailing Dick Clark on this year’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve telecast. I tried to compose some sort of joke involving Kelly Ripa, Gelman and a ball dropping but couldn’t get the execution to work.

But wait…he’s hosting The Apprentice 2 reunion show as well. Those Atlantic City shows not bringing in the blue-hairs the way they used to, buddy? If you should fall ill as well, I can always help out.

A protester has attacked a controversial waxwork nativity scene featuring England soccer captain David Beckham as Joseph and his pop star wife “Posh Spice” Victoria as the Virgin Mary. I wouldn’t have bought that “no room at the inn” story from the two of them, either.

The FCC has requested a tape of last summer’s Olympic games because it has received an indecency complaint. An indecency complaint. One. Uno. Anyone want to take a guess at how much money has been spent so far on the part of the FCC, the media outlets and yours truly to bring this to your attention?

Outwit, Outblog, Outsnark has been nominated for three Best of Blog (BoB) awards, Best Overall Blog, Best New Blog and Snarkiest Blog! Thanks to those who nominated me…I appreciate it and the positive reinforcement that you don’t have to be shocking to be snarky. {wink} Check back January 1 to see if I passed through to the final voting!

American author and journalist Tom Wolfe wins the bad sex award. Better him than me, I guess. Oh wait…it was an award for bad sex in fiction? Still. Better him than me.

No one watched the first season of The Amazing Race, either: Fox’s The Rebel Billionaire is tanking in the ratings, placing 91st out of all of last week’s shows. Ouch.

Better than Pebbles & BamBam: Julia Roberts gave birth over the weekend to twin babies; a boy named Phinneus Walter and a girl named, “Waddya want my name to be?”

Hey…teacher…leave those kids alone: 23 kids who snuck out of school in 1979, recorded vocals for Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” then chastised by their headmistress are now demanding their piece of the rock god pie.

“Quirky, pop-culture oriented” network Trio has been dropped by DirecTV, and the network’s future is in doubt. The only time I’ve ever watched anything on Trio was last June, while channel surfing Oceanic cable’s lineup in Hawaii. Trio was running a Cop Rock marathon. Need I say more?

Speaking of pop culture: Perennial teenager Dick Clark turns 75 today. Dust off those old records and celebrate the birth of the multi-generational master.

Stacy said @ 7:52 am
Filed in: Snark Bites | | Printer-Friendly Snark

I Do Not…Have…Anthrax: Dan Rather is stepping down from CBS news in March of 2005. No snark necessary, but if you’d like to revisit some classic, 2-month old Dan Rather snark…here you go.

Another Reason to Skip the Low-Carb Diet Thing: Grilled Virgin Mary cheese sandwich ultimately sells for $28,000 on eBay to online casino GoldenPalace.com.

Pawsitively Unacceptable: Just in time for the winter months, an umbrella for your pooch. I love my dogs, but they would back me into a corner and chew my toes off if I put this on them.

Don’t Forget the Breast Pump: Never fret, Julia Roberts isn’t having significant pregnancy issues, but some nitwit set up a fake baby registry for her and hubby Danny Moder at BabiesRUs.com.

About her twins, she says, “They’re huge, they’re bionic, it’s pretty amazing. My stomach is enormous and the bigger it gets the smaller my ass looks so I’m kind of enjoying it.”

Take This Baster and Shove It! A turkey in Iowa is taking matters into his own claws. Obviously he, too, is irritated his holiday is being so blatantly overlooked this year in favor of the slimmer, funnier, more attractive Christmas. Gobble, gobble!

But I Wanna Know For Sure: The FDA has banned Viagra ads that imply a man will regain his sexual vitality if he takes the drug. Thank God. We don’t want anyone thinking people who take it might be flushing their money down the toilet. Silly rabbit, not that Wild Thing.

The Moooooooooovie Star! Rachel Hunter will play “Ginger” on the new TBS reality show The Real Gilligan’s Island. Oh…are we playing Celebrity Gilligan’s Island? Cool. Allow me to play armchair casting director…

James Remar as The Professor
Barbra Streisand & James Brolin as The Millionaire….and His Wife
Dominic Monaghan as Gilligan

Dr. Phil as The Skipper
And finally…Lindsay Lohan as Mary Ann.

Anna Anna, Fabulous Anna: Anna Nicole Smith made a spectacle of herself at the American Music Awards, garnering sympathy along with shouts of idiocy. Courtney Love was spotted early the next day clearing out every GNC store within a 30-mile radius of all it’s TrimSpa stock.

Not only is the UberHusband now a skilled washer repairman, but yesterday he completely replaced the toilet in our guest bathroom. Whatta guy. {wink}

Renovate My Phamily: Dr. Phil joins son Jay on the November 12 & 19th episodes of Renovate My Family. How awesome would it have been if someone else jumped out and surprised Jay, Dr. Phil & Mrs. Dr. Phil and said they were going to be the renovated phamily…then dragged them off to the Cooper Aerobics Center and lectured Dr. Phil on what a workaholic he is? Damn…that would have been good.

Lindsay Lohan and Fez have broken up. This is what happens when a teenage girl accompanies her 20-something boyfriend to Costco. Too much, too fast. Slow down there, missy!

American Idol first season runner-up Justin Guarini gives his regards to Broadway, then myseriously backs out. I can’t believe I dressed up as this guy for Halloween two years ago.

66 ABC affiliates refused to show Saving Private Ryan last Thursday on Veteran’s Day, citing the show as too violent. Yet, we’re still subjected to the proverbial bare nipple that is The Bachelor, the grisly horror of According to Jim and the unspeakable atrocity of Less Than Perfect.

An attorney is suing the producers of Law & Order for $15 million, claiming they defamed him by portraying him as a crooked attorney in one “ripped from the headlines” episode. I find it comical that he was able to identify himself as “the” crooked attorney. Like he’s the only crooked attorney out there. Guess the other crooked attorneys were afraid to go up against Jack McCoy but, wouldn’t that have been a great class action suit?

Sponsored bride Star Jones finally got married Saturday night. Doesn’t it feel good to pay less?

Geez…Thursday primetime programming is a train wreck at our house…

Survivor

Watched The O.C. instead, but flipped over at the very end to see Sarge’s Trail of Tears speech. So much for whatever oogly-googly alliance he thought he had with his bare-assed buddies, eh?

The O.C.

Boy, this school year is going to suck. Why didn’t Hailey just tell Jimmy where she was really going instead of making up some lame story about fashion sales in Japan? By the way, the UberHusband has a big-time crush on Summer. He liked her last season but loves her this season. Hmm. Perhaps I should say, “Eww” more often at home?

The Apprentice

So glad to see Customer Service Chris gone…and shocked to discover Mr. Personality has a wife and a baby on the way. Eww. I was so disappointed in Jen and Ivana…I could have come up with a marketing plan for the “Build Your Own Bridal Salon!” task in about three minutes. #1 - Who is your target market? Duh. #2 - What would be a great way to contact all of them? Okay…maybe four minutes. But, what woman in her late 20s, married or not, hasn’t perused The Knot or The Wedding Channel? Come on. Good thing Raj was gone or else he probably would have tried to hook up with most of the brides-to-be.

North Shore

Taped this, will watch this weekend…although, I’ve seen the whole Gabe-meets-his-pregnant-lesbian-hookup’s-parents preview about three dozen times. “Are you a gay man? You look like a gay man.” Hee.

ER

I don’t like going to sleep sad. Was Ray Liotta amazing last night or what? I have no snark for this…except it was nice to not see Doogie Howser yapping his flap the whole episode. Have I already said I love Doctor Abby more than Nurse Abby? Hard to believe, but it’s true.

A Canadian man, angry that he was refused a plane ticket to Australia at Los Angeles International Airport, stripped naked, sprinted across the tarmac and climbed into the wheel well of a moving jumbo jet. If you missed it, don’t worry, they’ll repeat it next week on LAX. Jason Priestley is playing the angry Canadian man.

What would Simba do? A lion attacked a man who jumped into it’s cage yelling, “Jesus will save you!” at the Taipei Zoo. No word on whether the Taiwanese man involved was speaking in average tongues or sloppy, big kitty tongues.

Lorne Michaels will launch his own reality show to help fill an empty spot in the Saturday Night Live cast, and expects to play a Donald Trump-like role. My suggestion? Do the exact same tasks that The Donald did on The Apprentice. The wacky antics were funny as hell with non-professionals; imagine the possibilities with trained comedians! Wouldn’t you want to see what they could do to sell toothpaste? Yeah, I got one leg…I fart…and I’ve got minty fresh breath…jealous?

UberNerd and perennial Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings is now the top TV game show winner, ever, as of this past Wednesday’s show. He has won $2,197,000. I can’t wait for this guy to lose…although, I was able to answer most of the questions on yesterday’s show so Ken…you ain’t so smart. {wink}

Elton John is making his first foray into series television by developing an ABC comedy about an aging rock superstar and the people around him. Can a multi-decade-spanning pop icon jump the shark? Yeah, sure he can. Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaarkjump. Possible show titles include The Queen of Queens and Crocodile Schlock.

This is a special edition of Snark Bites, dedicated to the eleven teams of The Amazing Race 6.

Adam & Rebecca are “formerly dating” personal trainers. Most former couples have the tagline of “formerly dating” for a reason. Generally, it’s not because they’re proficient in high-stress situations that test your personal resolve and the strength of your relationship. But, it should be fun to watch them fight and bicker.

Avi & Joe are proud Jewish “high school buddies,” whose most memorable moment was meeting Tom Wopat. Just a good ‘ol boy, never meanin’ no harm.

Don & Mary Jean have been “married 20 years” and met while married to other people. That’s interesting. Hmm. Married folks of the world, lock up your spouses! Just kidding. Grandkids of the world, lock up your grandparents!

Freddy and Kendra are “engaged models”. I’ll be the judge of that. Freddy’s a pilot as well, so you get more runway bang for your buck.

Gus & Hera are a father/daughter team and Gus thinks this experience will show him how good of a job he did as a parent. Oh yeah, the million dollar prize is pretty neat, too.

Hayden & Aaron are shacked-up models/actors who’ve been dating a whole eight months! By the time the show is over, they will have been dating a whole nine and a half months!

Jonathan & Victoria are married entreprenuers who are looking to TAR to “get their relationship back on track after many grueling discussions about starting a family that have taken a toll on their marriage.” Sorry, don’t want to be anywhere near that train wreck. When everyone said to go away on a vacation together to rekindle things…I don’t think this is what they had in mind.

Kris & Jon are in a long-distance relationship and want TAR to show them if they could handle each other 24/7. Good plan, because marriage and being together 24/7 is nothing but 12-hour pit stops, cramped seats on long plane flights and trying to show other couples that you’re better than them. Good luck. If you really want to know what it’s like to be together 24/7, go ask Jonathan and Victoria.

Lena & Kristy are sisters who are looking to TAR to give 26-year old single mom Kristy the chance to do all the things she’s never been able to do. Wow. That’s kind of annoying! I’m 32, kidless and haven’t done 99% of what they’ve done on The Amazing Race. That’s why life hopefully gives you 70 or 80 years. Talk about cutting off your life at a young age and assuming it’s all over.

Lori & Bolo are professional, married wrestlers who are looking forward to leaving their small town to get real jobs see the world. Let’s get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!

Meredith & Maria are best friends. Meredith is “extremely competitive” and “sensitive,” while Maria is “very passive and non-emotional.” Doormat, meet foot. No one is competitive and sensitive. No one.

Based on just how all of the teams strike me, I predict…Gus & Hera will be eliminated first. It’s that whole father/daughter thing. Too much history and expectations and buried feelings and what-not to be successful…especially if you’re using the show as a parenting gauge. I’m lousy at this though, so get your cackling out of the way now when I’m horribly off-base with my predictions.

And no, I will never, ever, ever use the term Philiminated. Never. Ever.

Recently pink-slipped Stacy R. from The Apprentice has a website! According to her website, “She would love to host your next event or party.” She wouldn’t however, love to open a restaurant, design a clothing line or create a toy prototype. She really doesn’t want to wash your dog.

Ashlee Simpson may have been caught lip-synching on Saturday Night Live…blaming her band for playing the wrong song. Um…sweetheart, I really don’t think they’d play “Pieces of Me” twice. Besides…no one was listening because Jude Law was hosting! Rrrrrrrow!

John Cleese is hosting a new show on Food Network titled Wine for the Confused. You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person.

Catherine Zeta-Jones has filed a lawsuit against The Spice Club, “Reno’s friendliest topless cabaret,” for unauthorized use of her name and likeness. C’mon babe, why don’t we paint the town… and all that jazz. I’m gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down… and all jazz. Start the car I know a whoopie spot… where the gin is cold and the piano’s hot. It’s just a noisy hall, where there’s a nightly brawl… and all…that…jazz.

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter is terrorized by Al Pieda while giving a speech at the University of Arizona. Three more bullseyes and you win a big, stuffed teddy bear.

MARTHAWATCH! Martha Stewart cooks up some federally funded, contraband crabapple jelly at Camp Cupcake. That should pair nicely with the Cupcake Creek Private Reserve Moonshine she’s been distilling. Or a nice Chianti with some fava beans.

Americans are making a run for the border, eh, to get flu shots in Canada. It’s a flu shot, people. It’s not an injection to cure Kerryitis. Wash your hands often, stay away from sick people, eat lots of healthy foods and drink oodles of water. I’ve got asthma but am not considered nearly as “at risk” as others, so I’m taking all precautionary measures to ensure I don’t get the flu. Measure #1 - don’t leave the house until next March. Although…apparently…I could just hop on a plane and go to Canada. Hmmm…

Mary-Kate Olsen’s people tell us that she hasn’t relapsed and she’s still in college…she’s just conducting personal business in LA. This burns me up…I worked my ass off in college, went to all of my classes…didn’t have the luxury of jetting back and forth to conduct personal business on the other coast…ah Hell, maybe I’m just jealous but if you’re going to go to school, go to school. College is now your personal business. How can you be gone for “a few days” and only miss one class? I’m sure one or two worthy, albeit rejected, applicants to NYU would have given their left arm (assuming they’re righties) to be planted in one of NYU’s hallowed halls until winter break. Sheesh. Yes, thanks, I do feel better now.

Prepare to toss your panties, 30-something ladies…Duran Duran has reunited and has a new CD! “Girls on Film” just seems so tame now, doesn’t it?

Teresa Heinz-Kerry questions Laura Bush’s employment record, then flip-flops and says she didn’t realize Laura worked…in the past. Tell me Teresa, what does it feel like to have a Chanel shoe-clad foot stuck in your mouth? Does it taste as couture as one would expect or does it have a more bitter flavor?

NBC will premiere a short, unscripted show titled $25 Million Hoax on November 8. The show centers around a young woman trying to convince her family she’s won $25 million. Or, as we at OWOBOS like to call it, My Big, Fat Obnoxious Waste of Time.

South Park creator Matt Stone tells undecided voters to stay home on Election Day. Omigod, they killed democracy! YOU BASTARDS!

“Club Paris,” a series of nightclubs inspired by celebutante Paris Hilton will open beginning New Year’s Eve in Orlando. I’ll let all of you insert your own “How hard is it to get into Club Paris” jokes here.

Perpetual houseguest Kato Kaelin and perpetual Apprentice cocktail joke Omarosa