There’s this running joke in the Snarkwife/UberHusband household…that Capt. UberHusband runs for the hills (or rather, the airport) every time the season finale of The Bachelor is upon us. Seriously. The guy is never here for the finales. I remember sitting in our bedroom (in our old bed, watching our old TV) back in the Aaron Buerge days when I squealed and was all excited he had chosen Helene.

Last night, no different…although to CU’s credit, he did talk to me during the last episode, but even I couldn’t handle it after Matt called Shayne “Monkey” for the eighty bajillionth time. Ick.

Now, I get the concept of cute couples and pet names (mine includes the word “bear”), but when the bearer of said pet name wraps her legs and body around her beloved every ten minutes like a four-year old in need of a nap…I get a serious case of the Icks.

Not meaning to go all Grumpy Old Married Woman on ya’ll, but I was in love when I was 22. In fact, I had been dating the guy for three years…so I think I probably had a better gauge on the long-term viability of the relationship than Shayne does. We had even done all those non-Bachelor activities the producers try to avoid during filming…like grocery shopping, laundry, and unwrapping your legs from around each other.

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Last night was officially the Beginning of the End for me…TV season-wise. We passed on Desperate Housewives in favor of the Survivor finale and lucky for us our viewing of Boston Legal from two weeks ago (which has just been renewed…yay!) caused us to start into Survivor twenty minutes late.

Why is this lucky, you ask? It’s lucky because due to the wonder which is Tivo, once we backed up 20 minutes…we were able to fast-forward through all the mucky, girly crying and verklempting between Natalie, Pavarotti (I have to call her that, else I’ll keep calling her Poverty), Amanda and Cirie. I now know why mixed final fours are more interesting…because four girls talking about how amazing and awesome they are starts looking like James’s festering wound. Seriously.

Having said that…I honestly and truly did not expect Pavarotti to win. I figured if Amanda took Cirie to the final two, she’d have a tough time winning. With Pavarotti though…seemed like a lock for Amanda.

And I’m sorry, did Mary (Yeah, I know…who?) say her fiance-friend-of-a-former-castaway proposed after three days? Good luck with that. You know what we need? Survivor - Newlywed Island. Oh wait, we already had that this season.

And today at lunch, I watched the Brothers and Sisters season finale. I love that show. I hated it the first few episodes though…thought it was too clever for its own good. After the writing picked up a bit (IMO), I became a faithful watcher.

But.

Did the Walker clan really have to go there? Is there not enough drama going on? Do we have to rehash the illegitimate child storyline again? Fifty bucks says it’s Ryan Atwood. From Chino to The O.C. to Pasadena. Works for me.

Now…just need to catch up on Desperate Housewives. Don’t tell me what happened…for the time being I’d like to stay in my fantasy world where Mallory Keating isn’t dealing drugs out of Gaby’s house, and Parker and Preston set Kayla on fire.

You know it’s a great world we live in when you get to watch two damaged Merediths on one night…nay…within the same hour. It’s an even greater world when you get to watch people do insane things over a shiny object.

Over on The Office we were treated to Meredith getting whacked in the face by Pam’s “Don’t call me Eli” football pass, and then over on Grey’s Anatomy we’re witnesses to Mere being metaphorically whacked in the face by the sight of an unbelievably chipper Derek and Rose. Sakes alive, those two should be in toothpaste commercials.

Then we have something shiny under Stanley’s car on The Office which results in Michael getting a full peanut butter head massage by Dwight (watch out…Bliss will have it on its services menu in a week), and a shiny Sparkle Pager which prompts our Grey’s residents to continue to act like immature, moronic interns. Really? Sparkle Pager?

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Well. I’d like to say it was a big surprise that it was Carly Smithson who went home last night on American Idol, but isn’t that sort of how it goes with this show now?

It happens every season. Ryan stands there with the Bottom Two and you’re thinking, “Well Syesha, you’ll do well on Broadway” and then…wha? Huh? Did Seacrest just say Carly Smithson’s going home?

All I can say is, kudos to the AI producers for finally getting its head out of its collective ass and having the bottom two perform before someone was sent home. I’ve always thought it was exceptionally cruel to have the singer going home sing the song that made them lose. Again.

Hey! Grey’s Anatomy returns tonight! Does anyone care?

“Never stop and then start again”…says the woman whose career has stopped and restarted about half a dozen times in the last twenty years. Anyhoo.

So here’s a conversation between CU and I last night, kicking off Lord Andrew Night on American Idol.

CU: David Archuletta should so sing “Love Changes Everything” from Aspects of Love.
Snarkwife: {blank stare, then pause} You do realize how incredibly gay that just sounded.

But then…Mr. High School Musical Theater couldn’t place Syesha’s “Dreamgirls Sans Roller Skates” rendition of “One Rock ‘n’ Roll Too Many.” HA! Listen to me. What do I know. My musical theater knowledge revolves around the motion picture soundtrack for Chicago (wait, we saw the actual musical too…with Lisa Rinna), watching Legally Blonde on MTV and the 800 times I’ve seen Phantom of the Opera.

Which by the way…how uber-creepy was it when Lord Andrew basically demanded that David Cook fantasize about fantasizing about a 17-year old in the chorus line? “Well, since I’m 25…” was about all I caught of Lord David’s stammering before they cut away. Poor guy. At least he didn’t pick the Dying Diva Cat song…that really would have gotten Lord Andrew’s britches in a bunch.

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So, it’s Earth Day…and I plan on celebrating by filling up my Jeep Grand Cherokee’s 20-gallon gas tank for $65. Ah…it sounds gas-guzzly, but when you factor in the fact that I only fill ‘er up once every three weeks, all of a sudden I’m an conservation goddess!

So. How about those folks over on Dancing With the Stars? My mom called me a couple of weeks ago and said, “So what do you think of the season?” My answer then…as it remains now, is “Eh.” I had that same silly smile on my face during the season premiere that I’ve had every season but once Steve Guttenberg went away and Adam Carrolla unicycled off the show, I’ve felt…surprisingly little.

This isn’t to say I’m hating the show now, or that no one is entertaining me. Jason Taylor has definitely grown on me, and it is great fun watching him and Edyta dance together. Physically, they’re so compatible. Same for Derek and Shannon. But. Shannon isn’t that great of a dancer. She tries really hard, and you can’t help but notice the growing affection between the two (Can you imagine some of those other couples “platonically” tumbling onto each other on the beach at sunset? Mmm hmm.)…but she’s just not all that good.

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We snuck out of work early on Friday and went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Figured that was a safe bet, as we’d be able to dodge the Teenage Brigade…they weren’t out of school yet. Ha!

Seriously though, both CU and I thought the movie was great. Perfect casting. Everyone is great…everyone is funny…there’s nothing I enjoy more now than a great adult comedy. This one wasn’t even a gross-out comedy. There are a few references, but it’s nothing that made me blush. And I’ve seen a naked man before, so the vision of Jason Segal in all his nakeditude wasn’t all that shocking.

I’m not really one for detail-by-detail movie reviews, especially when they usually sound like reviews the pros have already written. It’s funny. Me like. You go see. You like, too.

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So…which shows did the UberSnark household miss last night, due to storm coverage and breaking possible tornado outbreak news from eighty miles away?

• Survivor
• 30 Rock
• The Office

We did manage to watch ER, because the severe threat had passed by then. But, I guess we’ll head over to the NBC website and watch the other shows there. Except for Survivor. Are they showing that on CBS.com? Don’t tell me who went home…don’t want to know.

Now, NBC5i did cut back to regular programming during the last two minutes of The Office. All we saw was Michael and Dwight in front of what looked like a grave. We screamed, “GAH! NO! TURN IT OFF! DON’T WANT TO KNOW!”

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CU and I got into a rather heated argument last night (well, heated for us) regarding last night’s episode of The Office. Having been really disappointed by the return of My Name is Earl, I half-wondered if I was losing my sense of humor…was especially excited about the mayhem which could only be inspired by a dinner party at Michael and Jan’s condo.

Know what? I didn’t think it was all that funny. Sure, there were some funny quips (Jan referencing Pam’s “doodles”) and amusing scenes (the oft-maligned “house tour” - how often have you forgotten to put the video camera away?). Plus, nothing makes me laugh harder than when television shows try to hide the pregnancies of their stars. At least they didn’t go the floppy hat route with Angela.

BUT.

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At lunch today I was watching The Hills (yeah, I know…hence the blog title) and realized how dramatically different my life was at 22 than Lauren’s life. For example…

• Lauren drives a brand spankin’ new BMW…I drove a highly oxidized 1985 Nissan 200SX with only three hubcaps.
• Lauren hung out at S Bar on her 22nd birthday. I think my friends and I went to TGI Friday’s.
• Lauren has a “sort of boyfriend, sort of friend” in Brody and they can’t seem to just call off the flirtation and move on. Okay, I kind of had that going on with me, too.
• When Lauren wants to talk to one of her friends from work, she can either text or call on her cell phone. I had to hide in a conference room on my break and use the phone in there.
• I bought most of my clothes at Ross. I don’t think that’s where Lauren shops.
• Lauren lives in the oh-so-sexy “Hillside Villas” (okay, they don’t really live there…), and I lived in the hood - which apparently, has been completely renovated. For the record, back in ‘95 when I lived there - I paid $480 a month with all the move-in specials.
• Lauren goes to sexy restaurants for dinner with friends. We usually went and got Taco Bell, then went back to someone’s house to watch The X Files.
• Lauren has to deal with an immature, whiny, pain-in-the-ass freak spreading rumors about her. I dodged that bullet. My guy friends had more class than that…and spent most of their time playing Doom, anyway.
• My sunglasses weren’t as big.

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Since I don’t have a debate to prepare for, or any mandatory reading…what am I doing? Why, I’m watching The Real World Awards Bash!

The hilarious (and frankly, quite disturbing) thing about this is not only the awesome walk down memory lane, but also the rather marked changes both in the show and in society over the past eighteen years.

Every shot of Real Worlders from the first eight seasons or so show them off in a corner…having a cocktail, taking it all in. Then…every shot of Real Worlders in seasons since then involve a minimum of two women rubbing up against each other.

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Previous seasons of American Idol have taught me to go into “big name theme nights” with a healthy does of skepticism because generally, our contestants mangle, maim and generally ruin classic songs sung and/or written by classic performers and/or songwriters.

So that, combined with the “No pressure, kids” vibe which comes standard with the Lennon/McCartney songbook made me more than a bit jittery last night. Jittery as in, “I’m going to hold my hands over my ears and remove them at 2-second intervals in case everyone sucks.” I was afraid my worst fears would be realized when Syesha came out and sang a classic Earth, Wind and Fire song. Hey! I thought they were supposed to sing Lennon/McCartney songs…? Heh.

Then…oh my God…Chikezie? Where did he come from? I was really afraid we were going to have to endure some meta-Ruben Studdard offering or at the very least, a Luther Vandross-y rendition of “Yesterday.” Wow. My jaw dropped when he had the foresight and originality to change up the beginning of “She’s a Woman” but then he actually changed up the middle and the end, too! He danced! He entertained! He was so good I made CU watch his performance when he got home from the airport! I hope he can keep it up, because if this is the new Chikezie…count me in as a fan.

Other greats last night - Carly “I sing this song every weekend with the band” Smithson, David “Don’t call me Daughtry” Cook, and…yes…Brooke White. I love her, bare feet and all. What was up with the warning tones Randy and Simon were tossing Ryan’s direction with the shoes? Was that some sort of stupid insinuation that Ryan likes women’s shoes? Again, their inside-joke shtick is bugging the crap out of me. However, I suppose I would rather hear that than Paula’s unoriginal paraphrasing of Randy’s comments coming out of her mouth as her own, generally prefaced by “You look great tonight” for posterity. Ugh.

Pizza Bistro Boy. Yeah, I don’t even remember his name. David? Danny? He goes to school, has annoying college pictures taken of him and his dork friends, and recently lost his job at “Pizza Bistro.” Mmm hmm. And the song…ugh. I told CU that it would be tough for anyone to sing “I Saw Her Standing There” to which he replied, “David Cook could.” Touché.

Oh…I almost forgot about Kristy Lee Cook. Someone took Simon’s praise last week and ran, ran, ran with it! Her rendition of “Eight Days a Week - Country Style, with Biskits ‘n Eggs!” wouldn’t have been so bad had she not been so flat and boring. I’ll completely skip over David Archuleta’s performance because I love him…and you can’t fault the kid for not being hep to songs from the 60s. He’s seventeen. Then again, forgetting the words is a pretty unforgivable sin.

Like that? I came up with it last night when I was watching American Idol and telling Capt. UberHusband I thought Faith Hill would be a great choice to cover Journey’s “Faithfully” as a country song.

Speaking of American Idol…how completely annoying were Randy, Paula and Simon last night? I’m all for the frolicky banter between the three of them, but when the camera cuts to Paula almost looking like she’s passing out on Simon’s shoulder…and the three of them bicker…God, it was so annoying. I felt really bad for the ladies last night.

Loved, loved, loved Brooke White’s rendition of “Love is a Battlefield” and, after the whole “Faith-Hilly” thing I was sort of on a roll…recommending Rascal Flatts update the Pat Benatar classic. Who else did I have opinions about…Carly Smithson. Love her accent, loved the song…wasn’t nuts about her rendition. I kind of feel like the AI folks are shoving her down my throat. Same with Syesha Mercado (Capt. UberHusband last night: “She does know she’s singing about being the other woman, right?”) - I’m not nuts about her. Eh.

So for snits and giggles last night, we decided to stick around on Fox and watch The Moment of Truth, especially after the world (apparently) came to an end last week. What a let-down. The questions were so incredibly stupid. Maybe it’s because I’m not $500k in debt and don’t need to go on the show, but come on. CU and I were making up our own questions for the show:

“I think reality shows are incredibly stupid, and extremely exploitative.” That answer is…true.

Of course, I have to get all technical…with the question, “Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone you work with?” I follow up with…”Well, before or after my husband and I met?”

In household news, the new kitchen floor is in and the tile surrounding our fireplace is being hacked out. I was talking to one of my co-workers yesterday and telling her that I never wish for bad things to happen, but if we have to have a water leak in the slab of our house…at least let us get a new kitchen floor out of it. Now that we’re taking a look at everything though, we’ve realized our cabinets look way better…but our appliances have got to go.

Oh, it’s also starting to snow here. Second time this week.

While I have you all here…if any of ya’ll are interested in taking a survey my fine Applied Research Methods class has crafted (it’s lousy…IMO…I’ll tell you that upfront), I would appreciate if you could fill it out on my behalf. Apparently we get bonus points if we can recruit the most people. If you’ve made it this far in my post, you have to like me a little…right?

So…here’s the link. When asked at the end who sent you to the survey, I’m S. Lynch. None of your personal info is captured, and if you shoot me an email at snarkwifedotcomATgmail.com to let me know you filled it out…I’ll let you know when the results are finalized and pass them along.

Okay, that is all. Back to work.

Reason #554 why I adore Capt. UberHusband:

You know what they need? A Celebrity Deathmatch with Danny Noriega and Christian from Project Runway.

80’s Nite is just horrible on American Idol…Wham, Lionel Richie…what? No Culture Club? I’d pay a hundred bucks to see Jason Castro sing “Miss Me Blind.”

Update: Okay, it’s not that bad…I’m now loving David Cook’s post-Lionel Richie “Hello” enough to download it from iTunes. But seriously…Whamboy and Sanjaya need to go.

Holy crap! At the end of Lost last night, were you asking the same question I was…?

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Now that my environmental analysis on the hotel industry has been uploaded and officially “delivered” to my Strategic Marketing professor, I can take a bit of a break and reflect on Lost last night. As an unintentional tie-in, the title of last night’s ep, “The Economist,” really threw me for a loop because my Strategic Marketing midterm this week includes questions regarding several articles we’ve read and discussed from…wait for it…The Economist. It’s like no matter how hard I try, I just can’t get away from school - not even for an hour.

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The New York Post has a list of TV pairs which have the “best on-screen chemistry.” If I may make another list…let me add to it…

• Matt Saracen & Landry Clarke on Friday Night Lights - Swear to God, my TV set catches on fire when those two share a scene together.
• Miss Piggy & Kermit the Frog - Nothing says “smoldering” like delivering a swift karate chop to your beloved’s midsection.
• Michael Scott and Toby the HR Guy on The Office - Come on, we all know that when a guy says he hates you, what he really means is that he loves you with all the strength of his loins.
• Drama and Turtle on Entourage - See my comment on Saracen & Landry above.
• Len & Bruno on Dancing with the Stars - Hmmm…I’m sensing a trend here…
• Suze Orman and that guy who reads the emails to her on The Suze Orman Show - Okay, I’m kidding with this last one. Suze tries really hard, bless her heart, to have chemistry with the guy…but it just ain’t working. You’d think I’d remember his name, since I watch the show ever week (Roth IRA good! Annuity bad!).

Traffic: Track Commuting Delays via Twitter with Commuter Feed

So I’m reading this article and at first I think, “What a great way to use Twitter!” because I’m slowly but surely transforming into a total social media marketing nerd.

And then, I thought a bit more…

• If you’re using Twitter while driving, you’re an idiot. Not only are you an idiot, you’re a dangerous idiot who is probably about four seconds away from causing a wreck.
• Although, it’s a good thing you have Twitter so you can tell everyone at the moment of impact.
• Are actual commuters going to use this or is the feed going to be hijacked by people like me and her, mocking unsuspecting drivers with cackles like, “HAHA! Sucks to be you! Enjoy having to leave the house at 6 to be to work by 8!”
• “0 incidents posted” in Baghdad. Really?

Oh…and the writers strike is over! You would think this would be good news, but now when am I supposed to get my schoolwork done?

Exclusive: Lost Boss Reveals Revised Season 4 Plan - Ausiello Report | TVGuide.com

YAY! More Lost is on the way! That’s not on tonight, is it? No…today’s Wednesday…right? I swear, this semester is killing me. I have no idea what day it is, and its made worse by the fact that I don’t have any TV shows to use as my compass: “Has Grey’s Anatomy been on yet this week? Okay, then it’s not Thursday yet.”

American Idol was on last night, and that’s how I knew it was Tuesday. Or wait…was it Wednesday? We made a decisive decision (like that?) to skip all of the audition shows and go straight to Hollywooooooooood (yo, dawg) and boy, am I glad we did. I am pleased that musical styles such as those showcased with guys such as AJ, EJ, and RJ have gone the way of the dodo bird, only to be replaced by young James Blunt-types who play keyboards and a conspicuous absence of African American Women With Big Voices. I’m so over that…seriously. I think this season is shaping up to be pretty good although…come on…don’t sing “Light My Fire” and then crap out on the big finale.

Okay…before I begin to busy myself with work, end-of-the-week school chaos, and the brain-jarring jackhammering of our friendly neighborhood plumber (plumber #2, since plumber #1 called in sick for our appointment this morning) - let’s talk about Lost.

I think last night’s episode wouldn’t bug me so much if I didn’t already know we were only getting half a season of episodes. If I knew we had sixteen coming instead of eight, the fact that we’ve had precious little forward movement in two episodes wouldn’t bug me…but I don’t, so it does.

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My thoughts are shifting from the cold to the warm…more specifically, the island on Lost. I was looking for a cool “X hours until Lost returns” countdown clock or ticker, but couldn’t find anything good so…here we are.

ABC is re-airing last season’s finale tonight and I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that was last May. I still remember sitting in my living room, with tears rolling down my face as I watched Charlie meet his watery grave. Oy. Then I had the same “WTF?” moment the rest of America had when Jack pleaded with Kate at the end to go back to the island…that they had to go back. There’s no way that was eight months ago.

Nevertheless, I’m ready for some new TV. When your Tivo is full of nothing but The Millionaire Matchmaker, Dr. Phil and Jon & Kate Plus Eight (I love that show, because I can’t stand Kate)…it’s time for some new network programming.

I don’t get Gene Simmons. Obviously he must care more about being right and preserving his own ego than helping little kids with AIDS, or else he wouldn’t have gotten his ass fired on Celebrity Apprentice last night. Seriously. I can’t stand Omarosa as much as the next person…but she had no business being in the boardroom, nor did Jennie Finch. What was Trump supposed to do?

In adjoining time-slot news, I’ve said it more than a few times, but ER is better than Grey’s Anatomy this season. The writing is better, the medical cases are more compelling…and frankly, I’d rather watch Neela and Morris trade quips than McSteamy and Hahn any day of the week. I don’t care about any of the couples or hookups on Grey’s anymore even though, Sam and Gates flirting back and forth is teetering on the just-plain-dumb. Just because men and women work together in the same place, it doesn’t mean the writers have to pair up every possible combination.

Favorite scene? At the end…”Sky…Lucien. How’s the water?”

Oh…if you’re wondering what I thought about last night’s American Idol, all you have to do is read my post from last season’s premiere and replace “Minniesohta” with “Philliedelphia” and “Navy intelligence analyst” with “Freak in a mankini top who got his chest waxed on national TV.”

We flipped channels about halfway in, although we’ll watch tonight so we can make fun of everyone in Dallas. We like doing that.

See ya, Netflix!

Today @ PC World Macworld Announcement 3: iTunes Movie Rentals

Yeah, so it’s been one of those days. I had to drive half an hour to Presby of Plano for a followup to My Very First Mammogram last month (don’t worry, everything’s good) which took about three hours total…then I had to run up to my orthopedist’s office because that stupid bursitis in my hip doesn’t seem to be resolving itself (don’t worry, anti-inflammatories and physical therapy should make everything good) and now there’s this huge firestorm at work…ugh.

But, I had to blog today. Those are the rules. I’ll sacrifice precious lunch-eating time though, to bring up the topic of Jenninate on last night’s episode of The Amazing Race. Who’d have thought Thai food came from Taiwan? Maybe Miss Teen South Carolina was right, and there really are people out there who can’t afford maps…or whatever hooey it was she said regarding maps.

In case you’ve ever wondered what Capt. UberHusband and Snarkwife do on their anniversaries…well this year, we’re headed downtown for a romantic weekend which will include, but is not limited to, wine tasting, dog-free merriment and…textbook reading. Hey, the semester doesn’t stop just because we’re doing something fun. The capstone will be a romantic en-suite dinner on Sunday evening while we watch the season finale of The Amazing Race! We rock!

Let’s get this out of the way…all you knitting aficionados out there…do you really put the poofy ball thing on knitted caps on the top of the knitted cap before you’re done knitting it? That bugged me all through the final few minutes of last night’s Grey’s Anatomy. I dunno, that just seems like a “finishing” sort of thing.

Does anyone care there aren’t any more original episodes of this show in the pipeline? Did anyone else besides me want to put Izzie Stevens through a meat grinder and feed her to the wild animals roaming around McDreamy’s McAwesome McProperty? Finally…but most importantly…was The Faith Healer storyline schlocky and jump-the-sharky? I mean really…Bailey’s son is healed…just like that? Too bad The Faith Healer can’t go to Meredith’s house…although at this point it would probably take six years to fix her.

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I don’t say this very often…but I had a great weekend. Now, that’s not to say I generally have bad weekends, it’s just that usually we’re busy doing something (or feel like we should be busy doing something) and then I turn around and it’s Sunday night…and I kind of feel like I got ripped off in terms of weekend fun. With school starting back up again next weekend, I need to pull it together and get into a good routine and invest in cultivating better habits.

Having said that…

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I think we made it about three minutes into Celebrity Apprentice last night before I wanted to rip the legs off every chair in the house and beat our big-screen TV to a digital pulp.

Hello, Omarosa. We meet again.

CU and I discussed…right from the beginning…that The Donald always tells the teams how to win the various challenges while he’s explaining what the challenge is. When you’re standing in the New York Stock Exchange, and The Donald is explaining what commodities are and how YOU, YES YOU, are in fact a commodity, little bells and fireworks should have been going off in everyone’s head.

Turns out, they were…except for in Omarosa’s head, because Omarosa actually thought Team Empresario should use sales skills to sell their hot dogs on New York City’s least lucrative corner (thanks, Carol Alt!). I suspect this had more to do with the fact that Omarosa has no one in her cell phone’s speed dial to call other than the T-Mobile customer service number, and she didn’t want anyone like Marilu Henner one-upping her so early in the game.

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“The Jew says to the Muslim — see, I have no idea what they say, because there’s a writers’ strike.” -Jay Leno

After the news buffer at 10 PM, we settled in to critique the Return of the Late Night TV Hosts. By far, Jay Leno was the winner in my book. His monologue was actually very funny, as opposed to David Letterman’s shtick, which should have just come with it’s own news crawl at the bottom with pro-writer, strike-related headlines.

Quite obviously, Letterman’s writing team struck a deal with the union devil because the entire show (or what we saw of it) seemed like nothing but a propaganda platform. After the first half-dozen “jokes” it really began to fall flat for us, so we switched back to Leno. I would have liked to see what Leno did with Emeril…but we went to sleep.

Last night actually provided a truckload of new television. We almost didn’t know what to do with ourselves and had to try to remember how to record two shows at once on the Tivo. We wound up taping Law & Order (which I swear, hasn’t been on in about two years) and Project Runway, then settled in to watch Wife Swap and Supernanny.

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Here’s the latest on which shows are finito and which still have a little life left.

Enough is enough, people. Let’s get our respective houses in order and put an end to the strike. I can’t bear four nights a week of American Idol and I sure as Hell am not going to be able to sustain myself on repeats of Law & Order: Fill In The Blank on USA.

The one show that has really given me that pit-feeling in my stomach though, is Lost. I’m beginning to think CU and I would have had a better shot at seeing those last eight episodes when we were actually in Hawaii three months ago.

I’ve been pondering the idea of bringing back beloved shows from yesteryear to try to squeeze a little more ad revenue out of them. With a serious lack of “family-friendly” television on the air now, what about repeats of Eight is Enough or my current fave, The Waltons? Think Tim Daly is the hottest thing on Private Practice? You should have seen him as a crack commuter airline pilot on Wings! And, I don’t know about you - but I think the world could use a Doogie Howser, M.D. revival.

Or…pick up HBO and Showtime and gorge yourself on Big Love, Entourage, Californication, and Weeds repeats.

Oh - for the record, I don’t watch Big Brother. Someone always tells me that’s “coming back” and truthfully, I don’t get the appeal. It’s sort of like The Real World, except the participants are grown adults who can’t use the ignorance of youth as an excuse for their behavior. But then again, I watch Bridezillas…so I suppose I shouldn’t be casting such big stones.

Oh good God almighty…what were those atrocities on Dancing With the Stars last night? And by atrocities, I mean “freestyle routines.” Now granted, I was laid up in bed with the worst flu symptoms I’ve ever experienced, but when Marie and Jonathan came on stage with “Start Me Up” with Marie in her weirdo Whatever Happened to Baby Jane getup, I thought the fever was causing me to cross over to the other side.

Mel and Maks were terrible, too…their avant-garde, experimental dancing routine was certainly…er…original, but I was left feeling…flush, and feverish. Oh, and achy, too. Damn flu.

Helio and Julianne were great and out of the three freestyle routines, theirs was clearly the best - but what does that really mean? Your two classmates failed the exam, but you got a C - you were the best out of the class!

Kind of a lame end to the season. If Marie wins though, well…I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe hope Donny will show up next season and get kicked off in the first round.

The Bachelor never ceases to amaze me, you know? This season reminded me of the Bob Guiney year, during which he was ABC’s It Guy (as opposed to ABC’s IT guy, who fixes your computer) - a moniker imposed on him because he was the fat, funny bachelor to Trista’s bachelorette and isn’t that fresh and new and different? Oh wait, that’s not why…this season reminded me of him because it reminded me, and forgive me single men in their 30s…but there’s a reason men that age aren’t married, and it generally has little to do with the availability of appropriate women.

As a long-time viewer of The Bachelor franchise, I get by this point that the show is less of a dating game and more of a sad social experiment. We all know the ladies are provided gallons and gallons of alcohol, and the bachelors are probably encouraged to hook up with as many of the ladies as possible. The bachelors do this, because that’s how you find your “soul mate” - by systematically making out with the ladies in descending order of hotness until they find one who can not only make their loins burn, but who also has a portable career which allows her to relocate to wherever the bachelors live.

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Previously on The Amazing Race, Father-of-the-Year Ronald inspired his daughter (and us) with his motivational haranguing, I saw way more of Grampa Underbritches than I ever hoped to (even in my wildest dreams), and married ministers Kate and Pat finished last because from what I’ve heard, that’s what nice girls do.

Nine teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

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From this past Sunday’s New York Times…Lost writer and co-creator Damon Lindelof:

If this strike lasts longer than three months, an entire season of television will end this December. No dramas. No comedies. No “Daily Show.” The strike will also prevent any pilots from being shot in the spring, so even if the strike is settled by then, you won’t see any new shows until the following January. As in 2009. Both the guild and the studios we are negotiating with do agree on one thing: this situation would be brutal.

Nah…we’ll be fine. Once American Idol picks up and stretches everything out into five evenings a week, and Marie Osmond’s non-union variety show premieres in February…the world will tilt back into balance.

But, here’s the grid of what’s completed and what’s in jeopardy…and personally, I’m waiting for Farmer Wants a Wife or as I’m calling it, The Bachelor: Why Buy The Cow When Some Chick In a Bikini Will Milk It For Free?

We were watching The Amazing Race earlier, and I do believe Ronald, disengaged and formerly absent father to Christina, is quite possibly the most annoying man to grace the show since Jonathan Baker. No joke.

First off, Ronald won’t shut up - and secondly, he’s just downright cruel to his daughter. Kind of makes me want to kick him in his self-righteous nuts a couple dozen times, you know? After the premiere last week, I figured this season’s Resident Jerkwad would be one of the guys on one of the “dating” teams. Little did I know it was the guy who isn’t particularly loud, but what he says packs just as uncomfortable a punch.

The Pink Gothies are growing on me (although the makeup looked a little worse for wear in the second leg…), Grandpa & Grandson are showing they truly have no reason to be on the show (nice underbritches there, Grandpa), and I’m still loving Hank Azaria. Not impressing me…the Non-Real Non-Housewives of Los Angeles County. Maybe they’re waiting for the Detour where they can choose between a manicure and a pedicure…who knows.

Nevertheless, CU and I are feeling nostalgic for the Good Old Days, when teams showed up to the Pit Stop and got all oogly-googly excited about their Kodak EasyShare Camera. Such as simpler time.

Speaking of simpler times…what if 24 happened in 1994?

Survivor

• I’m a little disturbed that James’s vocabulary seems to only consists of the words “dumb-ass,” “unintelligible mumble,” and “bitch” (as in, skinny or dumb-ass). I refuse to just brush this off and dismiss it because, as CU says, “Well, he is a gravedigger.”
• Poor Denise. I know what it’s like not to get picked for a team. On the upside though, no one could blame you for losing the Reward Challenge.
• Au revoir, Jean-Robert. How come you’re the only person who didn’t lose any weight while you were there? Hey, that rhymed.

Grey’s Anatomy

• Okay, does it make me a mean person if I’m all giggly and excited that George and Izzie are having lousy, tooth-chipping sex? I’ve now realized I don’t mind if they’re doing it, I just don’t want it to be any good…because, ew.
• Chief Webber is a pain in the ass. Who did his laundry the whole time he was holed up in that hotel? You can’t tell me he sent his clothes out to be cleaned…when it’s, like, $5 to clean a pair of underbritches.
• For all you women out there…if you want to have sex with your husband/boyfriend/whatever…the code shall now be, “Want to get together later and watch The Godfather?”
• So, did Callie get fired as in, “no longer at Seattle Grace” or fired as in “no longer Chief Resident?” When I hear the word “fired,” I imagine a box to clear out your locker and a security escort to your car.
• I cheered when Lexie said, “Screw you” to Meredith. Meredith has become, by far, the most annoying character on television. Sort of want to toss her back into the Puget Sound and let her get a bit of that coveted clarity again.
• Sad at the end though, with Papa Grey. No wonder Lexie…er…Meredith…er…Lexie…is sleeping with inappropriate men.
• Um…where’s Joe? His bar is there…but where’s Joe?

ER

It says a lot when I turn to CU during this show and say, “You know, I really think ER is better than Grey’s Anatomy.” If your head is jerking around in disagreement, hear me out. It’s consistently funnier (Neela’s 19-year old intern, anyone? Guy could beat the crap out of George any day of the week.) …the dramatic storylines are truly dramatic (Gates dealing with the death of a beloved patient, Abby falling off the wagon, Moretti’s clearly manic son)…but, the music isn’t all that much better, save the weird folk duo singing publicly-funded hospital standards like, “I Will Survive.” Classic.

I haven’t talked much about the TV/film writers strike…actually, I haven’t talked about it at all. This seems strange considering how TV-centric my life is, but until recently our DVR was full of television and the thought of any sort of viewing drought wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. Sort of like two years ago, when we would just let the faucets run 10 hours a day and water our lawn fifteen times a week…because we could…and then the next year the City of Allen restricted our water. Haters!

However, now that I’ve read some of my favorite shows have shut down production or are getting close to that point…I have to wonder what sort of impact this will have on the rest of the ‘07-’08 TV season. By my estimation, the writers aren’t too antsy to get this resolved as after they officially went on strike a couple of days ago, the two sides weren’t scheduled to get together again until next Monday. Hell, my ops management team is getting together more often than that…and we have the fate of a fake production plan at stake!

Honestly, I think this is all just a big, hyper-developed plan to get K-Ville off the schedule without having to actually cancel it. Because really, what sort of mean society would cancel a lousy show about the rebirth of New Orleans post-Katrina? Haters!

The strike is actually starting to hit me and CU very hard, as we recently started watching The Colbert Report on a nightly basis and now…well, we’re stuck without. Plus…now there are rumors Lost’s already-abbreviated season could become even more abbreviatedier. Hey, if Colbert (or his writers, heh) can say “gutly,” I can say “abbreviatedier.”

What if this thing drags out? What can you do? Well, here’s Snarkwife’s Guide to Surviving the ‘07-’08 Writers Strike:

• Take this opportunity to reformat/defrag the hard drive on your Tivo, DVR or Slingbox.
• Dust off those television scripts you’ve been holding onto for years, saying Hollywood already has enough scripts to last a zillion years, and mail ‘em into the TV exec of your choice.
• Start watching the myriad quality “reality” programming out there such as The Real Housewives of Orange County, Project Runway, and The Hills (wait, they have writers).
• Create a “Writers Strike Refugee” league over at Fafarazzi because really, with all of the free time these TV stars will have…they’re likely to start getting into trouble after a couple more weeks, right?
• Relive the glory of your youth with repeats of The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie, every morning on The Hallmark Channel! Can you imagine how awesome that line-up would be if they’d just add Eight is Enough?
• Enlist in the military.
• Sit down and think…where was I, and what was I doing during the last writers strike? How did I make it through? I was seventeen, so I’m pretty sure it involved trigonometry, my princess phone and…nail polish.

I’m not a terribly religious person, but I should have known God would punish me for ripping on Donny “My Love Is Like a Sacred Emotion” Osmond…his and Marie’s dad passed away this morning.

Okay, I officially feel awful. And can I just say, Dancing With the Stars is not the show to be on if you have an aging parent?

So last night, I’m watching Dancing With the Stars and thinking to myself…Donny Osmond has turned into such an ass! Dude, we get the DWTS folks didn’t ask you to be on the show…we get that you’re milking your guest-host spots on Entertainment Tonight for all they’re worth (”Coming up next…I give you classified behind-the-scenes news! My sister has a lot of kids!”) and we get you’re a camera hog who can’t let his sister actually enjoy the spotlight.

Kind of makes you think he’s trying to fill seats for the “Osmonds! Live! No! Really! ‘08! Tour!” Going forward, just stay seated and try not to alienate any of the stars of Carpoolers who may be seated near you.

Clearly, there’s a writer’s strike going on, as now even Samantha Harris is writing her own jokes! “I know this is the point in the show where no one is listening to what I say…” Indeed! Now, I’m not a member of any Writer’s Guilds, but here’s what I would have had Bruno say had I been writing his lines last night:

• On Mel & Maksim’s paso doble: “Free your mind, and I will definitely follow!”
• On Jane & Tony’s quick step: “Walk the line? You CROSSED the line and showed us how to CASH in on your talents!
• On Jennie & Derek’s rhumba: “Jennie, if Valerie Malone could see you now!”

I thought the whole “Pawlidarity for Sabrina” campaign was a little odd - while sweet, if she hadn’t gone home, one of them would have. It’s easy to sport a paw on your pec when you’re still standing on the stage. Like I said, I will support the pawlidarity until the results from tonight’s show, then will switch themes…because by then Sabrina will be twice-removed and no one will care anymore.

As an aside…Sabrina and Mark are dating…this has been confirmed! OMG! I LOVE HIM! He’s my SOULMATE!

Just a little commentary on The Bachelor last night, as well…do you all remember…back in the day, when there was a chance the bachelorettes might decline the Fantasy Suite invitation, or at least hesitate a bit because, well, you don’t know where the bachelor’s junk has been in the last couple of days? No more…oh no, this is a new generation of women who won’t even read the card they want to bed the man so quickly. Eh, like any of these relationships are going to last.

Okay, so I was writing my NaBloPoMo post last night about Dancing With the Stars…and it was actually pretty good. Then, I hit the “Publish” button and…poof! Internet connection error! GRRRRRR!

You know what, Leopard? You’re pissing me off more and more each day with your widely reported wireless connectivity issues.

So, do I get credit if I wrote a blog post last night, but it doesn’t publish until this morning?

Oh, I switched back to the paw-centric theme in support of ousted Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan. It’s what all the cool kids are doing this week, and you know I’m all about being a cool kid.

Listening to: I Drove All Night - Cyndi Lauper

It’s just another Fall weekend afternoon here at Casa de Snark. I’m sitting here at my new and improved laptop (Leopard is quite cool, kind of like having a new computer) switching back and forth between responding to my marketing class’s online “discussion forum” (the topic this week: pick a Hummer commercial and talk about the MarCom objectives, and what Cialdini influences are used…oh boy) and hitting the “Update” button on our Ops Management simulation. I swear, this simulation is like crack cocaine…only less…illegal. The last time I was this obsessed with hitting an update button, I was trying to win a copy of Office ‘04 on eBay.

Did I mention my team was in first place? That’s right, we’re ahead of every other team by a cool $41k.

Today is one of those days I just love. I can look out my office window and watch the leaves falling, and see the sun lower in the sky today than it was…well, at this time yesterday. It’s not quite sweater weather here in north Texas yet, but that’s fine by me. This is that fantastically wonderful time of year in Texas when it’s not too hot, but not too cold…all you need is a light jacket…in the evening.

How have all of your weekends been? I’m about to head out to return some shoes to DSW, some jammies to Gap Body and the have dinner with her. Funny, the last time I saw her was on my birthday last year. Can’t believe it’s been a year, especially since our Hawaiian vacations in September were so close to overlapping.

Then…it’s back home to watch The Amazing Race. Holy crap, I can’t even contain my excitement!

I’m so glad Grey’s Anatomy is back into the swing of things this season. Even the music is better, wouldn’t you agree?

I read…somewhere…might have been Ask Ausiello, that two people who we wouldn’t have thought would hook up would, actually, hook up. So last night, CU and I were trying to pair everyone up. Hahn and Syph Nurse? Chief Webber and Callie? McDreamy and Webber? After all, one is already fixing breakfast for the other. Oh wait, what about Pretty and Prettier? Swear to God, that was one of the best scenes of the night, right up there with the events surrounding, “Did you only shave one of your legs?”

Our biggest unanswered question…are there really only three attendings at Seattle Grace? From Hahn’s tirade last night, that’s what you’d think. FYI for those of you getting ready to visit the beautiful Emerald City anytime soon…unless your ailments are of a neurological, cardiothoracic or…plasticky nature, you might want to take your business to Mercy West. “We used to have an ob/gyn attending. As a matter of fact, she was a world-class neonatal surgeon…but she left.” I mean for criminy’s sake, Chicago County General has three attendings just for the ER, including one who is just working until December to make enough money for a surf trip.

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Yeah, I know I haven’t posted in awhile…I’ve started about half a dozen posts and in the end, they all end up sounding really lame so they’ve been scrapped.

To tide ya’ll over though…at least until my Marketing class ends and I get some semblance of a life back, how about a little Amazing Race fantasy game action over at Fafarazzi?

For those of you not involved in Fafarazzi, this could be a great opportunity to get involved…and can I just say, yours truly had a hand in determining some scoring rules…

• 1 point - Hugging Phil at the Pit Stop mat
• -2 points - Both teammates fail to drive a manual car (stick shift)

Heh. And now of course, I’m waiting to see how many people hit my site with the keywords “Amazing Race Phil Fantasy.” Just you wait.

Thanks, Jill…for providing this Amazing Race breaking news!

Thanks also to CBS, for putting it in a time slot that isn’t already booked for me.

Following Becky’s lead…

Shows I love:
Entourage
Lost
Dancing With the Stars
Grey’s Anatomy
How I Met Your Mother
The Office
Big Love
The Closer
Friday Night Lights
The Riches
Army Wives
The Amazing Race
Survivor: Wherever
Bridezillas

Shows that I like that could be on the “love” list if they weren’t so damn inconsistent:
Desperate Housewives

Shows I like:
Brothers & Sisters
My Name is Earl
Boston Legal
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Two and a Half Men
Project Runway

Shows that have either jumped the shark or suck, yet I still watch:
Weeds
The Bachelor
The Hills

New shows that I really like:
Chuck
Dirty Sexy Money
Pushing Daisies
Samantha Who
The Next Iron Chef

New shows that I kind of like and am still “trying out”:
Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares

New shows that I tried but didn’t like:
Cane
Private Practice
Kid Nation
Californication
Back to You

New shows that I liked but have already been canceled:
Not a one - have any shows been canceled yet this season?

What about you?

It’s one thing to endure the next few weeks what with school and Christmas already breathing down my neck, but in my few spare moments - when I get the chance to read a little Michael Ausiello scoop…this is what I have to read?

Question: What’s going on with George and Izzie on Grey’s? Are they breaking up or not?! — Damian

Ausiello: I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore. After my interview with Shonda Rhimes at the Emmys, I thought for sure she was pulling the plug on this ill-conceived romance. But yesterday I got an unconfirmed tip that Gizzie is still alive and kicking in Episode 8. That’s right — 8! That means we’ve got at least five more weeks of these two! My mole also reports that in the same episode, Mer and Der are still going strong with their whole let’s-have-sex-but-not-be-super-serious thing.

EIGHT? Although really, George & Izzie’s relationship isn’t any more disturbing than this.

So, I realized over the weekend that I am a much happier person when I’m blogging every day. I don’t know if it’s the active engagement with the Outside World (”I posted! Ping Blogrolling! Come on over and talk to me!”) aspect which pulls the happiness lever, or the opportunity to think about something other than work, school and home improvement projects.

But, it’s true…so…let’s talk, shall we?

I’m playing in a Fafarazzi TV league for Dancing With the Stars, and have had the same “team” of three couples since the show began…Mel B, Helio, and Sabrina. I briefly thought about replacing Mel B with Marie yesterday afternoon, but really, how was I supposed to know Jennie Garth could overcome Her Professional Partner, Gumby, and pull off a fantastic tango? Kelly Taylor…coke addict, cult member, rape victim, shooting victim, sexually harassed employee, boutique owner, Alpha Omega girl…ballroom dancer? Will wonders ever cease?

Anyone else besides me want Donny Osmond on DWTS next season? Anyone else besides me want to take all of Cheryl Burke’s trophies away from her, because she’s being such a snit? You can’t be a champion every season, girlfriend.

Oh…and let̵