A couple of people mentioned The Amazing Race in comments to  my previous post, so I figured I’d post some prelim thoughts…

Fave Team: Irongrandma & Granddaughter. Love them. Loved the shot of Irongrandma lifting weights.

Least Fave Team: Can I say “everyone else”?

Seriously, Sunday night’s season premiere was one of the dullest I’ve ever seen.  What’s worse, TAR has gone the way of the Real World and added All Types of People as stock teams.  No average Joes or Janes anymore. We have the Gay Brother, the Lesbian Partners, the African-American attorneys/”mompreneurs” (GAG), the Cowboys with Hats…blah, blah, blah…yawn.  The show lost me halfway to LAX…along with more than a few of the teams.

Yesterday I said to Capt. UberHusband…”We missed who got sent home on The Amazing Race last night, didn’t we?” Turns out…we didn’t, the ending was just that utterly forgettable.  Sad. What kind of lame-ass team can’t even finish the first challenge?

In a similar vein, since Ali decided her Facebook job had more long-term potential than a relationship with Jake, I was stuck watching fantasy dates last night on The Bachelor which made my stomach churn ‘n turn.

Gia: Jake, if you like the fact that she always seems to be decked out in $700 shoes, wait until you’re trying to support that habit on your $28,000/year pilot’s salary OR you’re hit up to help pay off what is likely massive credit card death…oops, I mean debt.  What was that old Carrie Bradshaw line…”I was literally the old woman who lived in her shoes”.

Vienna: Crazy eyes. Cross-eyed eyes. Clearly Jake doesn’t watch How I Met Your Mother.

Tenley: Young. Divorced. Bordering on desperate to show she can “still love” after divorce. Of course you can. You’re only 25.

Really, Jake?  You’re the only Bachelor I haven’t thought was a complete douchebag by the end of the season (at least, not yet)…but you have lousy taste when it comes to women. No wonder you’re still single.  Good grief.  I don’t like any of the women left. I don’t seem to like anyone lately. Am I getting cranky and grumpy in my old age?

Nah…I still adore everyone on Big Love. So you see, TV shows, it’s not me…it’s very much you.

But, the resort was beautiful.  Have you seen it’s Bachelor Proposal Package?  There’s an additional upgrade you can get, but you have to call the resort directly…for $399 you can get an alternate girl in case yours says no.

In other news, still hobbling on the cane…albeit with less pain now than last week. Not sure if that’s due to the increased amount of time I’ve spent firmly planted on my ass (yay for husbands being home!), or the Tylenol I’ve been popping like candy to nip a rather annoying earache in the bud…either way, less pain = less complainy Stacy. That’s good for all of us.

~ Hour 2 of the Season Premiere…for Hour 1, click here ~

On the previous hour of The Amazing Race…twelve teams raced Thunder Road, the Japanese showed they’re no longer afraid of The Bomb as long as it’s of the wasabi variety, and I named a team after one of my favorite OPI nail polish colors.  Yay!

Meghan and Cheyne (I so badly want to write Cheyenne…and that is driving me crazy like a wasabi-eating Amazing Racer) were the first to arrive around noon, and are the first to depart around midnight. Clue-rip. Teams have to fly to Ho Chi Min City, Vietnam, and then bus it for two hours to the rural village of Cai Be. Once there, they’ll race to – I don’t know…something Vietnamese – and get their next clue.

In the cab confessional, Meghan lets us in on Cheyne’s secret to success…don’t plan anything! His famous phrase is, “We’ll figure it out when we get there.” You know, there’s a certain synergy to that ideology. As someone who tends to over-plan, I’m well versed in this thing we over-planners like to call “analysis paralysis”.

Justin and Zev leave next, and also have a confession to make…they’re already playing the Aspergers card. Tsk tsk tsk. Shame shame shame. Here, let me wag my index finger at you a little bit. *wag wag wag* They head to a local hotel to get on the Internet, which is the same idea Team RoidRage had. They aren’t going to lollygag, or waste time, or try to “find” each other…because Mr. RoidRage already knows where he is. Want to know where he is? Here. With his biceps. Oh, spoiler alert – they bicker a lot.

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~As an aside, I haven’t blogged eps of The Amazing Race in some time. Why haven’t I been blogging? The answer is simple…the show had gotten stale, the teams pretty darn boring, and I didn’t really feel like I had anything to contribute. Last night though, things changed. I watched an ep that was so fresh and so exciting…it reinvigorated me…blah blah blah.~

Panoramic shot of Los Angeles. Phil VOs: “It’s early morning in downtown Los Angeles and the temperature is rising fast in the movie capital of the world.” Cut to the Los Angeles River. “This is the Los Angeles River, an iconic setting that’s been used as a location for stunts and movies such as Grease and Terminator 2.” As we watch two police cars race down the river and swerve, lights a-flashing, I’m thinking this would have been a great opportunity for CBS to tie in the beginning five minutes of any new NCIS: Los Angeles episode. Nah…the Emmy-award winning The Amazing Race is too cool to whore itself out to the network or blatant product placement.

Our twelve teams are on their way to the Los Angeles River in buses likely driven by Sandra Bullock, and because I think every reality show should have an element of The Bachelor embedded in it, I do believe these teams should have arrived via limo to greet Phil.

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Previously on Survivor: Russell Gone Wild…20 castaways were “marooned on the tiny island nation of Samoa”, split into two tribes (Galu! Foa Foa!), and Russell somehow procured enough fishing line to create nine full sets of puppet strings.  That wascally Wussell even had enough time to burn up some socks and attach said puppet strings to his tribemates.  Marisa fought the stringing-up and consequently, went home.

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You know, the day gets away from you and the next thing you know you’re just mere hours away from the first Dancing With the Stars elimination…and you realize you haven’t yet weighed in on the ladies’ performances.  So without further ado…

Last night’s ep started out as a bit if a snoozer, save the elephant actually missing from the room in the form of Samantha Harris’s hair. Merrin believes La Harris is the host in Hell and supposes that in true demon form, her hair will magically reappear next week. I’m equally optimistic, but think it will instead sprout out in the form of a tail.

The Bad:

Kathy Ireland – Good grief, she’s magically atrocious!  I think many a male teenage fantasy was totally destroyed last night.  Gentlemen, when you were looking at her on the pages of Sports Illustrated, did you ever suspect she’d be so…clunky?  Her dancing was bad enough, but then she had to open her mouth and admit that she’d never worn high heels before she started rehearsing for the show.  Horrors! This just proves what I’ve always known…supermodels live in tiny pods like those you’d find in Tokyo, and have handlers who literally carry them around.  Fortunately Tom Bergeron had the presence of mind to try and deflect attention away from her by introducing the band.

Macy Gray – My alternate title for this post was, “I Try to Walk Away and I Stumble”.  I was really hoping I could somehow work that in.  God love her…she did try.  You could tell she’d been practicing with all her might…as awkward as that might was.  I feel so bad for Jonathan Roberts.  He’s such a great dancer and he keeps getting stuck with duds.  Oh well, maybe next season.  Or, maybe she’ll continue on in the same miraculous vein as Master P (or Mister P, as my mom kept calling him) and Cloris Leachman and stick around four episodes longer than she should.  I’d love to see the “2″ and “3″ paddles come back out.

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Alrighty. I’ve finished graduate school, and I’m back from my 9-day sabbatical to Hawaii. Time to get serious about that which truly inspires me…television. Even though this season’s new offerings are fewer than years past, there are still a few bright lights…some of which have already begun to shine their comforting warmth onto me. *swoon*

Not on that list? Fox’s Glee. I jumped on the Gleewagon a few months ago with everyone else, but it just got…stupid. I gave it the three-ep test (which I instituted after declaring Grey’s Anatomy to be really stupid right out of the gate) and it failed.

But, the bulk of this post is – and should be – about old favorites…back for another round.

Survivor

Holy shit…Russell has got to be the most obnoxious castawaytestant (yeah, that totally doesn’t work) since Jonny Fairplay. What a pain in the ass. Even Jeff Probst hates the guy and well, you have to be cut from a similar cloth to that of Fairplay to get the Probstmaster fired up. This egomaniacal, misogynistic, lying (not to mention inaccurate…dude, if you’re going to go for Katrina sympathy…at least get your facts right) POS made me want to crawl through the television and wring his neck with some of the long-haired dumb blonde girl’s locks. I suppose I could add “racist” to that long string of adjectives, considering the socks he burned belonged to the “preppy-looking African American gentleman” (Go Bulldogs!).

Other standouts: Improperly Mixed Metaphor Man (“This is the first quarter of a seven-game series”), Shambo (like Rambo, only…not!), and the Most Disappointing Female Castaway Ever…who chalked her correct assessment of Russell’s smarminess up to “women’s intuition” rather than “years of experience as a police officer”. How very Betty Draper. FAIL.

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I’ve been watching Defying Gravity, or what I affectionately call Grey’s Astronomy. Because, really, it’s Seattle Grace in space. We have our little cliques with the newbie astronauts and the instructors…they all flirt and drink (at Major Tom’s of all places) and compete and show us that life in 2052 is pretty much exactly the same as it is in 2009.

MerDer has been replaced with…Zonner. Yeah, we’ll go with that. Zoe is the doe-eyed new astronaut and Donner is her instructor. They meet cute in astronaut school and hook up after a drunken night at…sigh…Major Tom’s. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Flash-forward to now and they clearly still carry torches for one another…and I assume we’ll find out what happened to the mysterious baby, who was conceived because Donner was told he’d been given a vasectomy…but apparently he wasn’t really given one. Yeah. How’d you like to find that out, guys? You went through the pain and had the bag of frozen veggies on your veggie for a couple of days…all for naught. Bummer.

The great thing about Donner is he unloads voice-overs the likes of which both Meredith Grey and Mary Alice Young would be proud. Last night’s episode theme was “doors”…let me paraphrase an excerpt of Donner’s wisdom:

Doors. They’re these things you walk through, that have hinges and locks and knobs. Sometimes they’re white, sometimes they’re other colors. They always open though, and always shut. It’s up to the opener or shutter to determine how the door will behave. Doors, like life, have an finite lifespan. Sometimes you need to replace them because they’re worn out, other times because you just don’t like the style anymore. Doors…when one opens, one opens.

Maybe I’m lacking in things to watch on Sunday nights…God knows I don’t have enough programming to keep me occupied. With Bridezillas, Army Wives, Entourage, and Iron Chef America on right now and Mad Men starting up next week…clearly I need more network entertainment to balance out the basic and premium cable offerings.

BUT…I draw the line at hokey lovemaking scenes like the one last week between Rollie and Jen. I get that he’s leaving and she’s stuck behind (presumably to die), but it was the floaty-naked-bodies-intertwined-in-the-airlock schlock that sort of did me in. Fortunately, there was only one scene like that. In an environment like the one on Antares, I don’t want cuddly wuddly sex…oh no, I want sex that uses every space metaphor known to man and alien. I want Antares hookups to be cosmic! White-hot! Other-worldly! I want Donner to set his phaser to stun!

We have some other characters, too…like the mission commander, Ted. BTW…I totally expected names in 2052 to be names like Zoltar, Kahn, or Mildred. Ted was apparently duped by his wife into getting involved in these shenanigans. We also have the tech nerd, the psychiatrist, Puck from Real World: San Francisco, the Professor, Mary Ann, Don Draper, Vinnie Chase, Heidi Klum, the gang from Pigs in Space, and Astronaut Jones. I’m not kidding, it’s crazy up in that space ship. It’s so crazy they all have to wear this thing called a HALO device (“Hormone And Libido Oppressors”) to, um, oppress their hormones and libidos. Yeah.

Is Defying Gravity going to save ABC? Probably not. Will it help President Obama get his health care bill passed? Unlikely. Because I like the show, that probably means it will be cancelled before Thanksgiving. But…it’s entertaining and it’s Canadian…which might be enough to carry it through an entire season.

Besides, I’m dying to know how Zoe’s tomatoes turn out…aren’t you?

Mad Men’s Betty Draper has a blog, and a Twitter account.

She doesn’t update the blog much, I suspect because she’s so busy ironing the sheets…or sheeting the irons. You know those suburban types. Her Twitter status this morning indicated she was deviling eggs. I am not a fan of that hussy trying to show the rest of us up by preparing her proteins so early in the morning.

Watch out if she asks for help with a job on Mafia Wars, since she doesn’t currently have a Facebook account.

So, did ya’ll watch ER last night? Of course you didn’t, because you gave up on the show three years ago…even though I’ve been telling you what you’ve been missing out on for the past two.

Anyhoo, last night’s ep did reunite us with Nurse Hathaway, Dr. Ross, and Dr. Benton. Apparently, Susan Sarandon was also on but…does anyone care?

What did we find out last night?

• Peter and Cleo are still together. I will admit, it took a full thirty seconds for me to remember who Cleo was.
• Sam and Neela went to the University of Washington Medical Center for a heart and kidney because as we found out an hour earlier, Seattle Grace still doesn’t seem to have anyone on staff who can do heart surgeries.
• Carol and Doug are still together, and spoon in bed at night. Aww.
• Carter and Kem are still together. Dammit. I can’t stand Kem.
• Izzie has melanoma, which has spread to her brain, the ABC network, and the entire Disney empire. Wait, wrong show.
• Hospitals still use corporate jets to move transplant organs around. Hmm…wasteful much? They need to behave like Motor City Fat Cats and drive their hybrid vehicles from Chicago to Seattle! Yeah! Get off my lawn!
• When Jerry left Boston Legal, he went to med school and wound up at Northwestern. Go figure.

After all of that, I started thinking about how Dr. Doug Ross could get a crew together of 10 of his buddies, and they could knock over Indian casinos in Washington.

Last night when Capt. UberHusband and I got home from the gym, we had a wide variety of options as to how to spend our evening. We could engage in meaningful adult conversation sans television, we could watch something on the Tivo, or we could watch Dancing With the Stars. Under normal circumstances none of these options would even be considered, but Gossip Girl wasn’t on last night so we had to improvise.

I decided a few weeks ago that I didn’t want to watch Dancing With the Stars this season because there were not, in fact, any stars on the show! In fact, what the show was giving us this season was truly the bottom of the barrel.

Now, we’re subjected to the boyfriends of much-loved pros and sucking from the overflowing Bachelor teet jussssst a little bit longer. We also have a recovering alcoholic, a blast from Carrie Ann’s FlyGirl past, and a “rap superstar” who first watched DWTS from jail.

There’s a reason these people have fallen off the radar, and it isn’t because we’ve outsourced our celebrity needs to Bangalore (well, not entirely) to save money. What the Hell is this nonsense…and what have you done with what once was my favorite show? Gee, if I didn’t know better I’d think it was March sweeps. Ahem.

So like any good red-blooded American couple without kids, we decided to pour a couple of glasses of wine and sit around discussing Obamanomics, why it wasn’t funny to give the Russian Foreign Minister a Big Red Button, and whether or not it was a good idea for Proctor & Gamble to introduce a luxury cosmetics line smack-dab in the middle of an economy so soft and squishy it would make the Pillsbury Doughboy giggle.

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Well, then.  I guess I wasn’t too far off yesterday with my passing joke about bringing Jillian back up from the minors…seems ABC has seen fit to go forward with their master plan of inbreeding within The Bachelor(ette) franchise in perpetuity.  But, we can now add her to the Sloppy Seconds Club as well…since apparently Molly was the first choice for the upcoming season of The Bachelorette.  Where’s an outdated John Kerry flip-flop joke when you need it?

But…whatever.  Jason and Molly are happy.  They’ve had lots of long talks, and like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.  Molly’s moving to Seattle, so heads up all you Puget Sounders.  I don’t know about you, but Jason just struck me as a little too Creepy McCreepy last night with Molly.  At one point I think he actually morphed into this three (almost four!)-year old son.

My favorite Bachelor-bashing moment?  When Lost’s Evangeline Lilly refused to be anywhere near Jason Mesnick on Monday night’s telecast of Jimmy Kimmel Live. So what you’re saying here Kate, is if you and Jason Mesnick were stranded together…alone, on a desert island…no go? Awesome.

Moving on…while waiting for After the After the Rose Ceremony, Capt. UberHusband and I finally got around to watching the season premiere of Celebrity Apprentice.  I’ve actually been looking forward to CA, because this season it fills all my needs…a few people I know, and a few I don’t.  I’m not entirely sure how a Deal or No Deal model qualifies as “celebrity” but I guess they needed someone around to stir cupcake batter. I’m sure if I take a look back through the Snarkives and peek at previous posts about The Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice, I’ve probably talked about how I’d rather work on the men’s team most of the time versus that of the women. It’s worth saying again though…because WOMEN ARE ANNOYING TO WORK WITH. And, sentences that end with prepositions are even more annoying, no?

Seriously, though. Team Athena has the ballbuster side and the busterball side. You have Joan, Annie, Brande, and Melissa on the ballbuster side…and the rest of the women who just sit around and pout and don’t like being told what to do. Wah. I loved Joan’s response to that…”Mussolini got the trains running”, although the think tankers at Yahoo! Answers beg to differ. It sort of sucks that this week I switched to the Simply Filling plan for Weight Watchers, because after watching two hours of cupcakes being designed, mixed (who forgets sugar?), baked, frosted, dipped in freaking chocolate chips, and then marketed out to the masses…I wanted to eat about twenty of ‘em.

But, I enjoy Celebrity Apprentice…even if Mini-Donald’s hair is looking too much like his dad’s. And seriously…has Andrew Dice Clay been relevant in the last ten years, other than to people whose emotional growth peaked in 1990?

This is a bit unrelated, but as I was surfing the Interwebs this morning looking for like-minded Bachelor fiends, I noticed a rather disturbing trend: the mommy blog who uses words like “awesome”, “fabulous”, and “amazing” in their blog titles. Wow. I like to think I have a healthy level of self-esteem but jeez ladies…do you not get enough attention that you had to take Stuart Smiley to heart?

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph…what in the H-E-double hockey sticks was The Bachelor all about last night?

First off, I have never been a fan of jilted bachelors or bachelorettes coming back as…well, The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.   If you think about it…for the most part, all of the bachelors and bachelorettes we loved so much we wanted them to come back?  We wound up hating them in the end!   Bob Guiney?  Mildly entertaining and rotund bachelor…creepy and arrogant Bachelor with a lousy band.  Mary Delgado?  Hot, fiery, Latina bachelorette…baby-crazy, boyfriend-beating Bachelorette.  DeAnna Pappas?  Dejected and humiliated bachelorette, seemingly self-serving and harsh Bachelorette.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Although I have many friends who thought DeAnna should have picked Jason Mesnick instead of Jesse originally, I never thought that for a second.  Jason was a weenie.  The one thing American women apparently loved about him was that he was a seemingly “good guy” who had a kid.  Aww…a daddy! He HAS to be awesome, right?  Frankly…no, he isn’t all that awesome.  What kind of idiot leaves his kid at home to go on a reality show to find a wife, and a television show which has an incredibly limited track record of success to boot?  More importantly, what kind of idiot does it twice? Methinks Mr. Mesnick would have had better luck just going to downtown Seattle (okay, maybe Bellevue) at 5 PM and throwing darts at women around his age.

It’s a good thing Ty is still little, so he doesn’t fully understand the impact of his dad pissing away the third year of his life making out with women in bikinis…all in the search to find himself a wife and Ty a mommy.

Speaking of which…let’s talk about that.  I’ve had no problem with The Bachelor(ette) franchise in its original form because I think if consenting adults want to get together and make dumb decisions and harbor unrealistic expectatons, that’s their preogrative.  BUT.  When you bring a little boy into the mix, I get fired up.  We all know these men and women never have realistic expectations about dating or marriage, which is likely what brought them to the show in the first place.  Throw in some Mommy and Daddy fantasies though, and everything gets all thrown out of kilter.  Instead of Jason wanting to see if Melissa could act like a three-year old with his three-year old, he probably should have been seeing how she’d handle things if he was away on business and she had to contend with the Fire Breathing Biological Mom on her own.  Uh huh.  Not so sexy and romantic now, is it?

Clearly, I had a bone to pick with the entire season of the show.  I thought the whole “Dad” angle was gratuitious and exploitative.  During the course of the season I began to see Jason as someone who was totally into himself.  You know what?  When you’re 32 and have a son, you no longer have the luxury to pick and choose and “live without regrets” because every decision you make impacts your kid.

I didn’t really care about the first two hours last night, because I knew at some point Jason and whoever he chose would break up.  Plus to quote Samantha Jones, “Wrong ring…wrong guy.”  How come these guys never pick the good ring?  Chris Harrison promised an After the Final Rose special which would be So Dramatic that it needed to be as Intimate as Possible.  Whoa.  With that, we lit some candles…turned off the lights, and put the doggies in their room.  Bow chicka bowwow.

And then…Jason dumped Melissa on national television.  That’s right.  After jumping up and down with Melissa and declaring love and blah blah and doing a big Group Jump (formalwear and all! squeee!) into the pool, he went all rogue (or the ABC producers contractually obligated him to) and ended things not in private, but in a studio with thousands of lit candles watching.  According to Jason, things changed after the show ended.  Gee, ya think?  He realized he’d made a mistake.  He was in love with Molly, although in listening to Melissa’s stunned side of the story…Jason was doing a pretty good double agent job with her.  Jason wanted to live his life “without regrets” which is Boyspeak for, “I’m just not that into you…but thanks for the awesome time.  I’d forgotten what it was like to have a 24-year old woman totally into me.”  At this point I contemplated throwing my wine glass at the TV screen, but didn’t want to damage the TV and…echoing the sentiment of some concurring Facebookers, I didn’t want to waste good wine on bad Jason.

I think the most disturbing part of the whole show was…Molly actually agreed to “see how things go” with Jason!  Molly…get a clue!  Does the expression “sloppy seconds” mean anything to you?  If you Google “counteroffer” you’ll find that it is never, ever a good idea to accept one.  It may sound like a great idea at the time…but the underlying reason things didn’t work out originally will start to rear its ugly head sooner than you think.

I can’t wait for tonight’s After the After the Final Rose follow-up special. If things don’t work out with Molly, is it like the ascension order if a seated US president dies, then the VP goes as well? Is Jillian brought back up from the minors?

I’ll be back later on with a more comprehensive post, but in the meantime…

I think the writers on Grey’s Anatomy are writing themselves into a loop. Yes, I’m talking to you Shonda…and I’m talking to you too, Jenna Bans. Because…you know…they read this blog and all.

I roll my eyes now whenever I hear that our McResidents are going to participate in a “once in a lifetime” procedure because really, don’t they do that pretty much every season? How about delivering quintuplets, all of whom have something wrong because, well, they’re quints? What about removing a steel rod skewer from two people? How about heart surgery on a violin virtuoso? See? Happens all the time.

But last night’s procedure du jour was different because it was a domino transplant procedure! If we have just one person who decides to back out…that’s right! None of the dominoes fall and people die!

As fate would have it, we have donors there under less than ideal circumstances. One hates his absentee father but is looking forward to the “early $10,000 Christmas gift” Dad is giving him. Pay no attention to the fact that it’s October or that the recipient is hostile (note to self: first item for Snarkwife’s Holiday Shopping Guide…a kidney).

The other donor is giving one of her kidneys to her married boyfriend. She thinks this will force him to choose between her and his wife. Yeah, that goes about as well as you’d expect. God, can you imagine the holidays after that? “What’s with this ugly sweater? I gave you a kidney and this is all I get?” Sorry sweetie, he just isn’t that into you.

And Lexie…Lexipedia. I could kick her. George isn’t a jerk. He just isn’t that into you…actually, he isn’t into you at all. And food for thought…most men in their late 20s/early 30s aren’t really that into balloon bouquets and locker decorations, either.

And Erica…Callie just isn’t that into…oh wait, maybe she kinda is. I don’t know though, I’m just not feeling the connection between those two. Maybe Bailey’s weird geography metaphors killed it for me, or perhaps I’m more interested in the Sloan Procedure.

But hey…Izzie cares about Alex! Did you hear me? She cares about him. SHE cares about him. She CARES about him. She cares ABOUT him. She cares about HIM. SHE CARES ABOUT HIM. And, turns out…he’s kinda sorta into her, too.

Take a look-see at the first trailer for season 5 of Lost.

Lost still ranks pretty high on the Squeal-o-meter, by the way. Can’t wait for 2009!

Judy McGuire over at The Frisky has listed the four types of TV guys to avoid and while the list is pretty spot-on (Chuck Bass, Don Draper), I think the list is rather obvious…and woefully incomplete. Sure, ladies should avoid the guys with sex and alcohol addictions…and in general women should steer clear of 17-year old boys. What about the types that fly a little more under the radar, though? Where’s the lack of love for them?

Alan Harper (Two and a Half Men): Forget the chronically drunk, virus-hosting Charlie Harper, it’s his brother I think women need to worry about more. He’s marginally unemployed, and is still pussy-whipped by his ex even though the alimony has stopped. He also has far too many matching pajama-and-robe sets.

Roman Grant (Big Love): Roman tends to traffic more in quantity and not necessarily quality. Plus, he has way too many family obligations to ever make you feel like you’re #1…or #32, for that matter.

Ryan Howard (The Office): From temp to Corporate to receptionist in just a few short years. While I admire his Behind the Music-esque rise to stardom and subsequent attempt to rebuild after shamelessly falling from grace, he still hasn’t fully processed 9/11. Besides, he prefers women who look like Survivor contestants.

Elliot Stabler (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit): In love with a colleague for the past ten years. Enough said. Give it up…you’ll never be able to compete with his Workplace Wife. Just ask his actual wife.

Alan Shore (Boston Legal): I never thought I’d say this about a man, but Alan is in love with being in love. He’s not what I would consider old, yet he has deeply fallen in love with…and shared a rather special connection with…literally half of the female attorneys in Boston. And all Andrews Sisters jokes aside, he holds too big of a torch (that’s what she said?) for Denny. See “Elliot Stabler” above.

Last night CU and I were watching Pushing Daisies when I turned to him and said, “You know, I think this is my favorite show. Want to know why? Because this is the show I get the squealiest during.” And yeah, I know I ended my sentence with a preposition but I feel I can be grammatically dangerous like that in the privacy of my own home.

I remember a time not too long ago when I would dance around the living room (no joke) when I heard the opening credits for The Amazing Race. Same for Grey’s Anatomy. So then I thought…if I had to gauge which shows I was loving this season based on a Squealiness Factor of 1-100 and then got super-nerdy and plotted them along a line, what would it look like?

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Yikey schnikeys, what a week of television!  Things got off to a rousing start last Monday with Dancing With the Stars, and then limped out last night with Desperate Housewives.  I recorded Brothers & Sisters – haven’t watched it yet.

Thankfully, we watched Mad Men after the season premiere of DH – so I was able to go to sleep on an up-note.  Well, mostly an up-note.  What other show on television would show your bosses canning you, then buying another round of drinks before y’all head off to a private speakeasy?  This ain’t your father’s (grandfather’s? uncle’s?) workplace.

There’s still more to come this week…Dirty Sexy Money and Pushing Daisies return on Wednesday, as does Chuck tonight.

Anyhoo..here are my picks and pans for Premiere Week:

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We started watching 90210: Miss Teasley, Where Are You? about twenty minutes late last night. CU and I went to dinner and honestly…I forgot it was on. But when we made it home, I flipped on the show and…it was pretty much what I expected.

As everyone already knows courtesy of the last six months of pre-season hype, the premise is the same for the most part as the original Beverly Hills, 90210: Midwestern mom & dad and dorky teenage kids (hey, they don’t look alike…?) relocate to Beverly Hills, experience a “fish out of water” transition period, and take care of Alcoholic Grandma and her broken laptop. Oh wait – that last part is different than the original and…would make a great name for a band. Not only is Grandma a drunk, but her best friend is none other than Sue Ellen Ewing! I had a tough time with Jessica Walter though, because I still can’t watch her without thinking of Lucille Bluth.

In addition to spreading his distracting handsomness to the state of California, Jim Walsh 2.0 is also a tough-but-loving father, and…he’s the new principal of West Beverly High! Dude…seriously? Have you learned nothing from the past? But, I guess it’s a good way for the CW to keep the grownups active in the plotline without needing to resort to stunts like bringing John Stamos on to try to woo Lori Loughlin, or Heather Locklear to tempt Rob Estes. Yeah, I’ve got a million 90s references…and they’re all itching to come out.

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Wow…must be getting close to September because all of a sudden, I have things to write about. I’m well aware that blogging about school is mind-numbingly dull. I suppose I could start blogging about my opinion of the current political climate, but I’m truly afraid that my words would so incite the Obamaniacs that I would have to contract a security detail for Cookie & Daisy. John McCain doesn’t make my insides go all aflutter either, but long story short…eh, forget it.

Yeah so anyway, the cast of the upcoming Celebrity Apprentice 2 has been announced. From what I can see, there’s some sort of cross-promotion going on between Celebrity Apprentice and Dancing with the Stars. Heather Mills has been on both shows, and Khloe Kardashian’s sister Kim will be appearing on the decidedly more upscale DWTS. The old lady demographic is covered on both shows, with Susan Lucci, Joan Rivers, and Cloris Leachman. Tony Danza and Ted McGinley are rockin’ the Way Bitchin’ 80s contingent…and, I’m sorry…Joe Francis?

CU and I loved Celebrity Apprentice last season. Loved it. Couldn’t get enough. How many episodes in do you think we’ll get before Heather removes her leg? How many shows do you think Heather needs to be on before that joke starts getting old?

The lineup for this season’s Dancing with the Stars has been announced!

• Toni Braxton, singer, 40, and season one DWTS champ Alec Mazo
• Lance Bass, singer, 29, and Lacey Schwimmer
• Ted McGinley, actor, 50, and Inna Brayer
• Cloris Leachman, actress, 82, and Corky Ballas
• Warren Sapp, former NFL star, 35, and Kym Johnson
• Rocco DiSpirito, chef, 31, and Karina Smirnoff
• Kim Kardashian, TV personality, 27, and reigning DWTS champ Mark Ballas
• Maurice Green, Olympic gold medalist track and field star, 34, and two-time DWTS champ Cheryl Burke
• Misty May-Treanor, Olympic gold medalist beach volleyball player, 31, and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
• Susan Lucci, Emmy-award winning soap opera actress, 61, and Tony Dovolani
• Jeffrey Ross, 42, comedian, and Edyta Sliwinska
• Cody Linley, 18, actor, and two-time DWTS champ Julianne Hough
• Brooke Burke, 36, TV personality, and Derek Hough

It’s impossible for me at this point to make any true observations or predictions, although I’m looking forward to the Brooke/Derek, Rocco/Karina and MistyMax pairings. And, DWTS is just Hell-bound and determined to have someone actually die on the show. Marie Osmond passing out just didn’t cut it, I guess.

CU and I had read that there were “discussions” about whether or not to pair Lance Bass with a male partner, which was just plain stupid. We’d also planned on boycotting the entire show’s season if they played that exploitive (and ridiculous) card. Thankfully, they didn’t. Although, it would have been sort of hot to see Derek Hough in one of those itty-bitty Latin costumes.

So, for those of you who watch The Bachelorette, do you treat the final episode like an episode of Lost, micro-analyzing every little detail? You know, like how if you take the first letter of all of the types of foods on each person’s dinner plate during the Final Dates, it ultimately spells out who the Last Man Standing is?

“Wow, Deanna’s dad is being a total tool to Jesse…that must mean Jesse wins.”

“Jason definitely got the better Final Date…wow, sharks!  She totally picks him, I can tell.”

“Holy crap!  Deanna got out of the limo first!  Wait, she’s going home?”

“Jesse picked the better ring.  As Samantha Jones said, ‘Wrong ring, wrong guy.’”

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For every good show that debuts during the summer (Army Wives, Survivor, Dancing with the Stars), there are about fifty which are just…unbearable.  They’re like cockroaches.  You’re stumbling around in the dark, unable to see but blissful in the peace and quiet and then all of a sudden you flip on the light and see them scatter everywhere.  You scream and run the other direction, but it’s too late…you’ve seen them and know they’re there.

Yes NBC, I’m talking to you.

Between The Baby Borrowers and Cirque de Stupidity (CU liked Cirque de Celebrity, but I think he was being generous by continuing to use the word “celebrity”…I mean come on, Stacey Dash?), NBC made Tuesday night’s ABC entries Wipeout and So You Want to Be on a Japanese Game Show Just Like the Simpsons seem downright…cerebral.

Now, I did watch Wipeout…but only because I like watching people get knocked around in serio-comic situations and break acrylic fingernails.  I even called my mom and told her to watch it.  John Henson (skunk boy from old-school The Soup!) helps narrate with his usual snarky repartee, and that’s worth the price of admission alone.

Of course, it isn’t all dumbness this summer.  We’re anxiously awaiting new eps of The Closer and I’m trying to decide if I want to get into Mad Men or not.  Amazon Unbox delivered the pilot to our Tivo last week…and we need to watch that.

Is anyone out there watching In Plain Sight on USA?  We made it through about thirty minutes before we saw something shiny and got distracted…never finished watching it.

I have never liked Graham, and sort of threw up in my mouth a little every time Deanna would say Graham was “smokin’ hot.” If that’s all you’ve got to say about someone, or if that’s all the producers and editors think you’ve got to say about someone…

So here is/was my take on The Bachelorette’s Final Four.  Deanna managed to pick four men who, in my opinion, embody everything women want in a man…only it takes four men to do it:

You have Jesse, the fun guy who is also sensitive and smart and borderline obsessive-compulsive.  This is the guy who will have no problem putting away the dishes, because if you do it and don’t put the lids to the pots and pans on the shelf titled “lids to the pots and pans,” he’ll cut you.  How now, I’m kidding.  With each successive episode of the show, I have begun to like Jesse more and more.  I have a friend who, when he lived here in Dallas, had a big-screen TV which was easily half the size of his living room…so I have a fondness for guys with small apartments and huge TVs.  And then, there are Jesse’s parents. Have you ever seen more…normal people?  And then…he went in for the kiss.  Finally.  It was a good one.  We had to have the tearjerker moment, too…for good measure: Jesse was his parents’ miracle baby, finally conceived after twelve years of trying.  

TEARJERKER RATING: 6

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By the by…if there’s one word that really, we should all know how to say in multiple languages, it’s “boom.”

We got started on Lost a little late last night as we’re trying to finish repainting our doors and changing out the doorknobs (yeah, if it isn’t appliances…it’s something else around here) before our good friend Leo comes down this weekend from Fort Sill. He’s stuck there for his Army refresher training before meeting up with his unit in June. We figured we’d offer him a comfortable bed, a snazzy steak dinner and a more exciting atmosphere than can be had in Lawton, Oklahoma. We have to drive south to do it, but it can be done.

I wasn’t that shocked to see “Jeremy Bentham” in the casket. I figured after the rest of the season, he was the only one who would stir up such emotion amongst the Oceanic 6. What did surprise me though, was that he picked yet another English philosopher as his new alt-identity. I was thinking someone of his political caliber and leadership level would have gone for something a little less obtuse…like Kim Jong-Il. That would have probably brought a few more folks to his funeral.

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Actually…I didn’t do that badly…got a respectable 1129 out of, well, a lot more.

Enter at your own risk.

The Hardest Lost Quiz Ever!

I love watching The Bachelorette. Seriously, it ranks right up there with The Amazing Race when it’s good. I think DeAnna Pappas is beyond adorable…and I love how not only did she not fall prey to the schlocky schlock of the Pretty Boys during the premiere, but she’s “putting it all out there” right from the beginning. She’s there for a reason and if you aren’t, then just go away now and save everyone some time.

So given that directive, I was not surprised with who she sent home last night:

My Big, Fat Greek Bachelor – well, obviously two people need more than their backgrounds to tie them together. “So, you’re Greek? Me, too.” “Huh. How ’bout that.” {awkward silence}

Chris – who not only can’t sing, apparently has a mean streak when ditched by a woman he’s known for three days.

The 28-Year Old Virgin – Heck, DeAnna didn’t even keep this guy around long enough to find out he’d been waiting 28 years for her. CU and I were yukking it up when he was talking to the other guys about his virginitude. Then we really started yukking it up when he started talking about square pegs and round holes. Maybe that’s your problem, buddy.

Unfortunately, she had more roses to give out last night than keepable men. Who should have gone home that didn’t?

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There’s this running joke in the Snarkwife/UberHusband household…that Capt. UberHusband runs for the hills (or rather, the airport) every time the season finale of The Bachelor is upon us. Seriously. The guy is never here for the finales. I remember sitting in our bedroom (in our old bed, watching our old TV) back in the Aaron Buerge days when I squealed and was all excited he had chosen Helene.

Last night, no different…although to CU’s credit, he did talk to me during the last episode, but even I couldn’t handle it after Matt called Shayne “Monkey” for the eighty bajillionth time. Ick.

Now, I get the concept of cute couples and pet names (mine includes the word “bear”), but when the bearer of said pet name wraps her legs and body around her beloved every ten minutes like a four-year old in need of a nap…I get a serious case of the Icks.

Not meaning to go all Grumpy Old Married Woman on ya’ll, but I was in love when I was 22. In fact, I had been dating the guy for three years…so I think I probably had a better gauge on the long-term viability of the relationship than Shayne does. We had even done all those non-Bachelor activities the producers try to avoid during filming…like grocery shopping, laundry, and unwrapping your legs from around each other.

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Last night was officially the Beginning of the End for me…TV season-wise. We passed on Desperate Housewives in favor of the Survivor finale and lucky for us our viewing of Boston Legal from two weeks ago (which has just been renewed…yay!) caused us to start into Survivor twenty minutes late.

Why is this lucky, you ask? It’s lucky because due to the wonder which is Tivo, once we backed up 20 minutes…we were able to fast-forward through all the mucky, girly crying and verklempting between Natalie, Pavarotti (I have to call her that, else I’ll keep calling her Poverty), Amanda and Cirie. I now know why mixed final fours are more interesting…because four girls talking about how amazing and awesome they are starts looking like James’s festering wound. Seriously.

Having said that…I honestly and truly did not expect Pavarotti to win. I figured if Amanda took Cirie to the final two, she’d have a tough time winning. With Pavarotti though…seemed like a lock for Amanda.

And I’m sorry, did Mary (Yeah, I know…who?) say her fiance-friend-of-a-former-castaway proposed after three days? Good luck with that. You know what we need? Survivor – Newlywed Island. Oh wait, we already had that this season.

And today at lunch, I watched the Brothers and Sisters season finale. I love that show. I hated it the first few episodes though…thought it was too clever for its own good. After the writing picked up a bit (IMO), I became a faithful watcher.

But.

Did the Walker clan really have to go there? Is there not enough drama going on? Do we have to rehash the illegitimate child storyline again? Fifty bucks says it’s Ryan Atwood. From Chino to The O.C. to Pasadena. Works for me.

Now…just need to catch up on Desperate Housewives. Don’t tell me what happened…for the time being I’d like to stay in my fantasy world where Mallory Keating isn’t dealing drugs out of Gaby’s house, and Parker and Preston set Kayla on fire.

You know it’s a great world we live in when you get to watch two damaged Merediths on one night…nay…within the same hour. It’s an even greater world when you get to watch people do insane things over a shiny object.

Over on The Office we were treated to Meredith getting whacked in the face by Pam’s “Don’t call me Eli” football pass, and then over on Grey’s Anatomy we’re witnesses to Mere being metaphorically whacked in the face by the sight of an unbelievably chipper Derek and Rose. Sakes alive, those two should be in toothpaste commercials.

Then we have something shiny under Stanley’s car on The Office which results in Michael getting a full peanut butter head massage by Dwight (watch out…Bliss will have it on its services menu in a week), and a shiny Sparkle Pager which prompts our Grey’s residents to continue to act like immature, moronic interns. Really? Sparkle Pager?

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“Never stop and then start again”…says the woman whose career has stopped and restarted about half a dozen times in the last twenty years. Anyhoo.

So here’s a conversation between CU and I last night, kicking off Lord Andrew Night on American Idol.

CU: David Archuletta should so sing “Love Changes Everything” from Aspects of Love.
Snarkwife: {blank stare, then pause} You do realize how incredibly gay that just sounded.

But then…Mr. High School Musical Theater couldn’t place Syesha’s “Dreamgirls Sans Roller Skates” rendition of “One Rock ‘n’ Roll Too Many.” HA! Listen to me. What do I know. My musical theater knowledge revolves around the motion picture soundtrack for Chicago (wait, we saw the actual musical too…with Lisa Rinna), watching Legally Blonde on MTV and the 800 times I’ve seen Phantom of the Opera.

Which by the way…how uber-creepy was it when Lord Andrew basically demanded that David Cook fantasize about fantasizing about a 17-year old in the chorus line? “Well, since I’m 25…” was about all I caught of Lord David’s stammering before they cut away. Poor guy. At least he didn’t pick the Dying Diva Cat song…that really would have gotten Lord Andrew’s britches in a bunch.

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So, it’s Earth Day…and I plan on celebrating by filling up my Jeep Grand Cherokee’s 20-gallon gas tank for $65. Ah…it sounds gas-guzzly, but when you factor in the fact that I only fill ‘er up once every three weeks, all of a sudden I’m an conservation goddess!

So. How about those folks over on Dancing With the Stars? My mom called me a couple of weeks ago and said, “So what do you think of the season?” My answer then…as it remains now, is “Eh.” I had that same silly smile on my face during the season premiere that I’ve had every season but once Steve Guttenberg went away and Adam Carrolla unicycled off the show, I’ve felt…surprisingly little.

This isn’t to say I’m hating the show now, or that no one is entertaining me. Jason Taylor has definitely grown on me, and it is great fun watching him and Edyta dance together. Physically, they’re so compatible. Same for Derek and Shannon. But. Shannon isn’t that great of a dancer. She tries really hard, and you can’t help but notice the growing affection between the two (Can you imagine some of those other couples “platonically” tumbling onto each other on the beach at sunset? Mmm hmm.)…but she’s just not all that good.

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So…which shows did the UberSnark household miss last night, due to storm coverage and breaking possible tornado outbreak news from eighty miles away?

• Survivor
• 30 Rock
• The Office

We did manage to watch ER, because the severe threat had passed by then. But, I guess we’ll head over to the NBC website and watch the other shows there. Except for Survivor. Are they showing that on CBS.com? Don’t tell me who went home…don’t want to know.

Now, NBC5i did cut back to regular programming during the last two minutes of The Office. All we saw was Michael and Dwight in front of what looked like a grave. We screamed, “GAH! NO! TURN IT OFF! DON’T WANT TO KNOW!”

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CU and I got into a rather heated argument last night (well, heated for us) regarding last night’s episode of The Office. Having been really disappointed by the return of My Name is Earl, I half-wondered if I was losing my sense of humor…was especially excited about the mayhem which could only be inspired by a dinner party at Michael and Jan’s condo.

Know what? I didn’t think it was all that funny. Sure, there were some funny quips (Jan referencing Pam’s “doodles”) and amusing scenes (the oft-maligned “house tour” – how often have you forgotten to put the video camera away?). Plus, nothing makes me laugh harder than when television shows try to hide the pregnancies of their stars. At least they didn’t go the floppy hat route with Angela.

BUT.

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Since I don’t have a debate to prepare for, or any mandatory reading…what am I doing? Why, I’m watching The Real World Awards Bash!

The hilarious (and frankly, quite disturbing) thing about this is not only the awesome walk down memory lane, but also the rather marked changes both in the show and in society over the past eighteen years.

Every shot of Real Worlders from the first eight seasons or so show them off in a corner…having a cocktail, taking it all in. Then…every shot of Real Worlders in seasons since then involve a minimum of two women rubbing up against each other.

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Previous seasons of American Idol have taught me to go into “big name theme nights” with a healthy does of skepticism because generally, our contestants mangle, maim and generally ruin classic songs sung and/or written by classic performers and/or songwriters.

So that, combined with the “No pressure, kids” vibe which comes standard with the Lennon/McCartney songbook made me more than a bit jittery last night. Jittery as in, “I’m going to hold my hands over my ears and remove them at 2-second intervals in case everyone sucks.” I was afraid my worst fears would be realized when Syesha came out and sang a classic Earth, Wind and Fire song. Hey! I thought they were supposed to sing Lennon/McCartney songs…? Heh.

Then…oh my God…Chikezie? Where did he come from? I was really afraid we were going to have to endure some meta-Ruben Studdard offering or at the very least, a Luther Vandross-y rendition of “Yesterday.” Wow. My jaw dropped when he had the foresight and originality to change up the beginning of “She’s a Woman” but then he actually changed up the middle and the end, too! He danced! He entertained! He was so good I made CU watch his performance when he got home from the airport! I hope he can keep it up, because if this is the new Chikezie…count me in as a fan.

Other greats last night – Carly “I sing this song every weekend with the band” Smithson, David “Don’t call me Daughtry” Cook, and…yes…Brooke White. I love her, bare feet and all. What was up with the warning tones Randy and Simon were tossing Ryan’s direction with the shoes? Was that some sort of stupid insinuation that Ryan likes women’s shoes? Again, their inside-joke shtick is bugging the crap out of me. However, I suppose I would rather hear that than Paula’s unoriginal paraphrasing of Randy’s comments coming out of her mouth as her own, generally prefaced by “You look great tonight” for posterity. Ugh.

Pizza Bistro Boy. Yeah, I don’t even remember his name. David? Danny? He goes to school, has annoying college pictures taken of him and his dork friends, and recently lost his job at “Pizza Bistro.” Mmm hmm. And the song…ugh. I told CU that it would be tough for anyone to sing “I Saw Her Standing There” to which he replied, “David Cook could.” Touché.

Oh…I almost forgot about Kristy Lee Cook. Someone took Simon’s praise last week and ran, ran, ran with it! Her rendition of “Eight Days a Week – Country Style, with Biskits ‘n Eggs!” wouldn’t have been so bad had she not been so flat and boring. I’ll completely skip over David Archuleta’s performance because I love him…and you can’t fault the kid for not being hep to songs from the 60s. He’s seventeen. Then again, forgetting the words is a pretty unforgivable sin.

Like that? I came up with it last night when I was watching American Idol and telling Capt. UberHusband I thought Faith Hill would be a great choice to cover Journey’s “Faithfully” as a country song.

Speaking of American Idol…how completely annoying were Randy, Paula and Simon last night? I’m all for the frolicky banter between the three of them, but when the camera cuts to Paula almost looking like she’s passing out on Simon’s shoulder…and the three of them bicker…God, it was so annoying. I felt really bad for the ladies last night.

Loved, loved, loved Brooke White’s rendition of “Love is a Battlefield” and, after the whole “Faith-Hilly” thing I was sort of on a roll…recommending Rascal Flatts update the Pat Benatar classic. Who else did I have opinions about…Carly Smithson. Love her accent, loved the song…wasn’t nuts about her rendition. I kind of feel like the AI folks are shoving her down my throat. Same with Syesha Mercado (Capt. UberHusband last night: “She does know she’s singing about being the other woman, right?”) – I’m not nuts about her. Eh.

So for snits and giggles last night, we decided to stick around on Fox and watch The Moment of Truth, especially after the world (apparently) came to an end last week. What a let-down. The questions were so incredibly stupid. Maybe it’s because I’m not $500k in debt and don’t need to go on the show, but come on. CU and I were making up our own questions for the show:

“I think reality shows are incredibly stupid, and extremely exploitative.” That answer is…true.

Of course, I have to get all technical…with the question, “Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone you work with?” I follow up with…”Well, before or after my husband and I met?”

In household news, the new kitchen floor is in and the tile surrounding our fireplace is being hacked out. I was talking to one of my co-workers yesterday and telling her that I never wish for bad things to happen, but if we have to have a water leak in the slab of our house…at least let us get a new kitchen floor out of it. Now that we’re taking a look at everything though, we’ve realized our cabinets look way better…but our appliances have got to go.

Oh, it’s also starting to snow here. Second time this week.

While I have you all here…if any of ya’ll are interested in taking a survey my fine Applied Research Methods class has crafted (it’s lousy…IMO…I’ll tell you that upfront), I would appreciate if you could fill it out on my behalf. Apparently we get bonus points if we can recruit the most people. If you’ve made it this far in my post, you have to like me a little…right?

So…here’s the link. When asked at the end who sent you to the survey, I’m S. Lynch. None of your personal info is captured, and if you shoot me an email at snarkwifedotcomATgmail.com to let me know you filled it out…I’ll let you know when the results are finalized and pass them along.

Okay, that is all. Back to work.

Reason #554 why I adore Capt. UberHusband:

You know what they need? A Celebrity Deathmatch with Danny Noriega and Christian from Project Runway.

80’s Nite is just horrible on American Idol…Wham, Lionel Richie…what? No Culture Club? I’d pay a hundred bucks to see Jason Castro sing “Miss Me Blind.”

Update: Okay, it’s not that bad…I’m now loving David Cook’s post-Lionel Richie “Hello” enough to download it from iTunes. But seriously…Whamboy and Sanjaya need to go.

Holy crap! At the end of Lost last night, were you asking the same question I was…?

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The New York Post has a list of TV pairs which have the “best on-screen chemistry.” If I may make another list…let me add to it…

• Matt Saracen & Landry Clarke on Friday Night Lights – Swear to God, my TV set catches on fire when those two share a scene together.
• Miss Piggy & Kermit the Frog – Nothing says “smoldering” like delivering a swift karate chop to your beloved’s midsection.
• Michael Scott and Toby the HR Guy on The Office – Come on, we all know that when a guy says he hates you, what he really means is that he loves you with all the strength of his loins.
• Drama and Turtle on Entourage – See my comment on Saracen & Landry above.
• Len & Bruno on Dancing with the Stars – Hmmm…I’m sensing a trend here…
• Suze Orman and that guy who reads the emails to her on The Suze Orman Show – Okay, I’m kidding with this last one. Suze tries really hard, bless her heart, to have chemistry with the guy…but it just ain’t working. You’d think I’d remember his name, since I watch the show ever week (Roth IRA good! Annuity bad!).

Exclusive: Lost Boss Reveals Revised Season 4 Plan – Ausiello Report | TVGuide.com

YAY! More Lost is on the way! That’s not on tonight, is it? No…today’s Wednesday…right? I swear, this semester is killing me. I have no idea what day it is, and its made worse by the fact that I don’t have any TV shows to use as my compass: “Has Grey’s Anatomy been on yet this week? Okay, then it’s not Thursday yet.”

American Idol was on last night, and that’s how I knew it was Tuesday. Or wait…was it Wednesday? We made a decisive decision (like that?) to skip all of the audition shows and go straight to Hollywooooooooood (yo, dawg) and boy, am I glad we did. I am pleased that musical styles such as those showcased with guys such as AJ, EJ, and RJ have gone the way of the dodo bird, only to be replaced by young James Blunt-types who play keyboards and a conspicuous absence of African American Women With Big Voices. I’m so over that…seriously. I think this season is shaping up to be pretty good although…come on…don’t sing “Light My Fire” and then crap out on the big finale.

Okay…before I begin to busy myself with work, end-of-the-week school chaos, and the brain-jarring jackhammering of our friendly neighborhood plumber (plumber #2, since plumber #1 called in sick for our appointment this morning) – let’s talk about Lost.

I think last night’s episode wouldn’t bug me so much if I didn’t already know we were only getting half a season of episodes. If I knew we had sixteen coming instead of eight, the fact that we’ve had precious little forward movement in two episodes wouldn’t bug me…but I don’t, so it does.

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My thoughts are shifting from the cold to the warm…more specifically, the island on Lost. I was looking for a cool “X hours until Lost returns” countdown clock or ticker, but couldn’t find anything good so…here we are.

ABC is re-airing last season’s finale tonight and I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that was last May. I still remember sitting in my living room, with tears rolling down my face as I watched Charlie meet his watery grave. Oy. Then I had the same “WTF?” moment the rest of America had when Jack pleaded with Kate at the end to go back to the island…that they had to go back. There’s no way that was eight months ago.

Nevertheless, I’m ready for some new TV. When your Tivo is full of nothing but The Millionaire Matchmaker, Dr. Phil and Jon & Kate Plus Eight (I love that show, because I can’t stand Kate)…it’s time for some new network programming.

I don’t get Gene Simmons. Obviously he must care more about being right and preserving his own ego than helping little kids with AIDS, or else he wouldn’t have gotten his ass fired on Celebrity Apprentice last night. Seriously. I can’t stand Omarosa as much as the next person…but she had no business being in the boardroom, nor did Jennie Finch. What was Trump supposed to do?

In adjoining time-slot news, I’ve said it more than a few times, but ER is better than Grey’s Anatomy this season. The writing is better, the medical cases are more compelling…and frankly, I’d rather watch Neela and Morris trade quips than McSteamy and Hahn any day of the week. I don’t care about any of the couples or hookups on Grey’s anymore even though, Sam and Gates flirting back and forth is teetering on the just-plain-dumb. Just because men and women work together in the same place, it doesn’t mean the writers have to pair up every possible combination.

Favorite scene? At the end…”Sky…Lucien. How’s the water?”

Oh…if you’re wondering what I thought about last night’s American Idol, all you have to do is read my post from last season’s premiere and replace “Minniesohta” with “Philliedelphia” and “Navy intelligence analyst” with “Freak in a mankini top who got his chest waxed on national TV.”

We flipped channels about halfway in, although we’ll watch tonight so we can make fun of everyone in Dallas. We like doing that.

I think we made it about three minutes into Celebrity Apprentice last night before I wanted to rip the legs off every chair in the house and beat our big-screen TV to a digital pulp.

Hello, Omarosa. We meet again.

CU and I discussed…right from the beginning…that The Donald always tells the teams how to win the various challenges while he’s explaining what the challenge is. When you’re standing in the New York Stock Exchange, and The Donald is explaining what commodities are and how YOU, YES YOU, are in fact a commodity, little bells and fireworks should have been going off in everyone’s head.

Turns out, they were…except for in Omarosa’s head, because Omarosa actually thought Team Empresario should use sales skills to sell their hot dogs on New York City’s least lucrative corner (thanks, Carol Alt!). I suspect this had more to do with the fact that Omarosa has no one in her cell phone’s speed dial to call other than the T-Mobile customer service number, and she didn’t want anyone like Marilu Henner one-upping her so early in the game.

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“The Jew says to the Muslim — see, I have no idea what they say, because there’s a writers’ strike.” -Jay Leno

After the news buffer at 10 PM, we settled in to critique the Return of the Late Night TV Hosts. By far, Jay Leno was the winner in my book. His monologue was actually very funny, as opposed to David Letterman’s shtick, which should have just come with it’s own news crawl at the bottom with pro-writer, strike-related headlines.

Quite obviously, Letterman’s writing team struck a deal with the union devil because the entire show (or what we saw of it) seemed like nothing but a propaganda platform. After the first half-dozen “jokes” it really began to fall flat for us, so we switched back to Leno. I would have liked to see what Leno did with Emeril…but we went to sleep.

Last night actually provided a truckload of new television. We almost didn’t know what to do with ourselves and had to try to remember how to record two shows at once on the Tivo. We wound up taping Law & Order (which I swear, hasn’t been on in about two years) and Project Runway, then settled in to watch Wife Swap and Supernanny.

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There’s a scene towards the end of That Thing You Do! when Mr. White is admonishing Jimmy Mattingly’s insistence that he be able to record his songs, rather than continue on the Play-Tone Peoplemover of Fame. It goes something like this:

Jimmy: We do my songs, or we don’t record anything. You got that, White?

Mr. White: Okay, Jimmy. I was looking forward to working with you.

Jimmy: You know, you’re a liar, White. You’re a liar.

Mr. White: And you’re in a tough spot Jimmy, ’cause you didn’t read the Play-Tone contract which you yourself signed. Because, it says you will do what I say. And I say you cover these songs from the Play-Tone catalog. You’ll record “That Thing You Do!” in Spanish.

At the beginning of the holiday season, CU and I were driving around and I heard Elton John come on the radio singing, “Step Into Christmas,” which truly has to be one of the worst holiday songs ever. We talked about how Sir Elton had to have been strapped to a chair and forced to sing the song, or perhaps someone like Mr. White pointed out some sort of obligation which forced him into it.

Either way, “You’ll record ‘That Thing You Do!’ in Spanish” has become our catchphrase anytime we hear of someone doing something which really, you wouldn’t expect them to do unless (a) he or she was forced into it by a manager/agent who’s a stickler for contract details or (b) he or she was so hard up for money and/or publicity that they forced themselves into doing it.

With that, I am instituting…

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Here’s the latest on which shows are finito and which still have a little life left.

Enough is enough, people. Let’s get our respective houses in order and put an end to the strike. I can’t bear four nights a week of American Idol and I sure as Hell am not going to be able to sustain myself on repeats of Law & Order: Fill In The Blank on USA.

The one show that has really given me that pit-feeling in my stomach though, is Lost. I’m beginning to think CU and I would have had a better shot at seeing those last eight episodes when we were actually in Hawaii three months ago.

I’ve been pondering the idea of bringing back beloved shows from yesteryear to try to squeeze a little more ad revenue out of them. With a serious lack of “family-friendly” television on the air now, what about repeats of Eight is Enough or my current fave, The Waltons? Think Tim Daly is the hottest thing on Private Practice? You should have seen him as a crack commuter airline pilot on Wings! And, I don’t know about you – but I think the world could use a Doogie Howser, M.D. revival.

Or…pick up HBO and Showtime and gorge yourself on Big Love, Entourage, Californication, and Weeds repeats.

Oh – for the record, I don’t watch Big Brother. Someone always tells me that’s “coming back” and truthfully, I don’t get the appeal. It’s sort of like The Real World, except the participants are grown adults who can’t use the ignorance of youth as an excuse for their behavior. But then again, I watch Bridezillas…so I suppose I shouldn’t be casting such big stones.

Oh good God almighty…what were those atrocities on Dancing With the Stars last night? And by atrocities, I mean “freestyle routines.” Now granted, I was laid up in bed with the worst flu symptoms I’ve ever experienced, but when Marie and Jonathan came on stage with “Start Me Up” with Marie in her weirdo Whatever Happened to Baby Jane getup, I thought the fever was causing me to cross over to the other side.

Mel and Maks were terrible, too…their avant-garde, experimental dancing routine was certainly…er…original, but I was left feeling…flush, and feverish. Oh, and achy, too. Damn flu.

Helio and Julianne were great and out of the three freestyle routines, theirs was clearly the best – but what does that really mean? Your two classmates failed the exam, but you got a C – you were the best out of the class!

Kind of a lame end to the season. If Marie wins though, well…I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe hope Donny will show up next season and get kicked off in the first round.

The Bachelor never ceases to amaze me, you know? This season reminded me of the Bob Guiney year, during which he was ABC’s It Guy (as opposed to ABC’s IT guy, who fixes your computer) – a moniker imposed on him because he was the fat, funny bachelor to Trista’s bachelorette and isn’t that fresh and new and different? Oh wait, that’s not why…this season reminded me of him because it reminded me, and forgive me single men in their 30s…but there’s a reason men that age aren’t married, and it generally has little to do with the availability of appropriate women.

As a long-time viewer of The Bachelor franchise, I get by this point that the show is less of a dating game and more of a sad social experiment. We all know the ladies are provided gallons and gallons of alcohol, and the bachelors are probably encouraged to hook up with as many of the ladies as possible. The bachelors do this, because that’s how you find your “soul mate” – by systematically making out with the ladies in descending order of hotness until they find one who can not only make their loins burn, but who also has a portable career which allows her to relocate to wherever the bachelors live.

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Previously on The Amazing Race, Father-of-the-Year Ronald inspired his daughter (and us) with his motivational haranguing, I saw way more of Grampa Underbritches than I ever hoped to (even in my wildest dreams), and married ministers Kate and Pat finished last because from what I’ve heard, that’s what nice girls do.

Nine teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

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From this past Sunday’s New York Times…Lost writer and co-creator Damon Lindelof:

If this strike lasts longer than three months, an entire season of television will end this December. No dramas. No comedies. No “Daily Show.” The strike will also prevent any pilots from being shot in the spring, so even if the strike is settled by then, you won’t see any new shows until the following January. As in 2009. Both the guild and the studios we are negotiating with do agree on one thing: this situation would be brutal.

Nah…we’ll be fine. Once American Idol picks up and stretches everything out into five evenings a week, and Marie Osmond’s non-union variety show premieres in February…the world will tilt back into balance.

But, here’s the grid of what’s completed and what’s in jeopardy…and personally, I’m waiting for Farmer Wants a Wife or as I’m calling it, The Bachelor: Why Buy The Cow When Some Chick In a Bikini Will Milk It For Free?

We were watching The Amazing Race earlier, and I do believe Ronald, disengaged and formerly absent father to Christina, is quite possibly the most annoying man to grace the show since Jonathan Baker. No joke.

First off, Ronald won’t shut up – and secondly, he’s just downright cruel to his daughter. Kind of makes me want to kick him in his self-righteous nuts a couple dozen times, you know? After the premiere last week, I figured this season’s Resident Jerkwad would be one of the guys on one of the “dating” teams. Little did I know it was the guy who isn’t particularly loud, but what he says packs just as uncomfortable a punch.

The Pink Gothies are growing on me (although the makeup looked a little worse for wear in the second leg…), Grandpa & Grandson are showing they truly have no reason to be on the show (nice underbritches there, Grandpa), and I’m still loving Hank Azaria. Not impressing me…the Non-Real Non-Housewives of Los Angeles County. Maybe they’re waiting for the Detour where they can choose between a manicure and a pedicure…who knows.

Nevertheless, CU and I are feeling nostalgic for the Good Old Days, when teams showed up to the Pit Stop and got all oogly-googly excited about their Kodak EasyShare Camera. Such as simpler time.

Speaking of simpler times…what if 24 happened in 1994?

Survivor

• I’m a little disturbed that James’s vocabulary seems to only consists of the words “dumb-ass,” “unintelligible mumble,” and “bitch” (as in, skinny or dumb-ass). I refuse to just brush this off and dismiss it because, as CU says, “Well, he is a gravedigger.”
• Poor Denise. I know what it’s like not to get picked for a team. On the upside though, no one could blame you for losing the Reward Challenge.
• Au revoir, Jean-Robert. How come you’re the only person who didn’t lose any weight while you were there? Hey, that rhymed.

Grey’s Anatomy

• Okay, does it make me a mean person if I’m all giggly and excited that George and Izzie are having lousy, tooth-chipping sex? I’ve now realized I don’t mind if they’re doing it, I just don’t want it to be any good…because, ew.
• Chief Webber is a pain in the ass. Who did his laundry the whole time he was holed up in that hotel? You can’t tell me he sent his clothes out to be cleaned…when it’s, like, $5 to clean a pair of underbritches.
• For all you women out there…if you want to have sex with your husband/boyfriend/whatever…the code shall now be, “Want to get together later and watch The Godfather?”
• So, did Callie get fired as in, “no longer at Seattle Grace” or fired as in “no longer Chief Resident?” When I hear the word “fired,” I imagine a box to clear out your locker and a security escort to your car.
• I cheered when Lexie said, “Screw you” to Meredith. Meredith has become, by far, the most annoying character on television. Sort of want to toss her back into the Puget Sound and let her get a bit of that coveted clarity again.
• Sad at the end though, with Papa Grey. No wonder Lexie…er…Meredith…er…Lexie…is sleeping with inappropriate men.
• Um…where’s Joe? His bar is there…but where’s Joe?

ER

It says a lot when I turn to CU during this show and say, “You know, I really think ER is better than Grey’s Anatomy.” If your head is jerking around in disagreement, hear me out. It’s consistently funnier (Neela’s 19-year old intern, anyone? Guy could beat the crap out of George any day of the week.) …the dramatic storylines are truly dramatic (Gates dealing with the death of a beloved patient, Abby falling off the wagon, Moretti’s clearly manic son)…but, the music isn’t all that much better, save the weird folk duo singing publicly-funded hospital standards like, “I Will Survive.” Classic.

I haven’t talked much about the TV/film writers strike…actually, I haven’t talked about it at all. This seems strange considering how TV-centric my life is, but until recently our DVR was full of television and the thought of any sort of viewing drought wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. Sort of like two years ago, when we would just let the faucets run 10 hours a day and water our lawn fifteen times a week…because we could…and then the next year the City of Allen restricted our water. Haters!

However, now that I’ve read some of my favorite shows have shut down production or are getting close to that point…I have to wonder what sort of impact this will have on the rest of the ‘07-’08 TV season. By my estimation, the writers aren’t too antsy to get this resolved as after they officially went on strike a couple of days ago, the two sides weren’t scheduled to get together again until next Monday. Hell, my ops management team is getting together more often than that…and we have the fate of a fake production plan at stake!

Honestly, I think this is all just a big, hyper-developed plan to get K-Ville off the schedule without having to actually cancel it. Because really, what sort of mean society would cancel a lousy show about the rebirth of New Orleans post-Katrina? Haters!

The strike is actually starting to hit me and CU very hard, as we recently started watching The Colbert Report on a nightly basis and now…well, we’re stuck without. Plus…now there are rumors Lost’s already-abbreviated season could become even more abbreviatedier. Hey, if Colbert (or his writers, heh) can say “gutly,” I can say “abbreviatedier.”

What if this thing drags out? What can you do? Well, here’s Snarkwife’s Guide to Surviving the ‘07-’08 Writers Strike:

• Take this opportunity to reformat/defrag the hard drive on your Tivo, DVR or Slingbox.
• Dust off those television scripts you’ve been holding onto for years, saying Hollywood already has enough scripts to last a zillion years, and mail ‘em into the TV exec of your choice.
• Start watching the myriad quality “reality” programming out there such as The Real Housewives of Orange County, Project Runway, and The Hills (wait, they have writers).
• Create a “Writers Strike Refugee” league over at Fafarazzi because really, with all of the free time these TV stars will have…they’re likely to start getting into trouble after a couple more weeks, right?
• Relive the glory of your youth with repeats of The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie, every morning on The Hallmark Channel! Can you imagine how awesome that line-up would be if they’d just add Eight is Enough?
• Enlist in the military.
• Sit down and think…where was I, and what was I doing during the last writers strike? How did I make it through? I was seventeen, so I’m pretty sure it involved trigonometry, my princess phone and…nail polish.

So last night, I’m watching Dancing With the Stars and thinking to myself…Donny Osmond has turned into such an ass! Dude, we get the DWTS folks didn’t ask you to be on the show…we get that you’re milking your guest-host spots on Entertainment Tonight for all they’re worth (“Coming up next…I give you classified behind-the-scenes news! My sister has a lot of kids!”) and we get you’re a camera hog who can’t let his sister actually enjoy the spotlight.

Kind of makes you think he’s trying to fill seats for the “Osmonds! Live! No! Really! ‘08! Tour!” Going forward, just stay seated and try not to alienate any of the stars of Carpoolers who may be seated near you.

Clearly, there’s a writer’s strike going on, as now even Samantha Harris is writing her own jokes! “I know this is the point in the show where no one is listening to what I say…” Indeed! Now, I’m not a member of any Writer’s Guilds, but here’s what I would have had Bruno say had I been writing his lines last night:

• On Mel & Maksim’s paso doble: “Free your mind, and I will definitely follow!”
• On Jane & Tony’s quick step: “Walk the line? You CROSSED the line and showed us how to CASH in on your talents!
• On Jennie & Derek’s rhumba: “Jennie, if Valerie Malone could see you now!”

I thought the whole “Pawlidarity for Sabrina” campaign was a little odd – while sweet, if she hadn’t gone home, one of them would have. It’s easy to sport a paw on your pec when you’re still standing on the stage. Like I said, I will support the pawlidarity until the results from tonight’s show, then will switch themes…because by then Sabrina will be twice-removed and no one will care anymore.

As an aside…Sabrina and Mark are dating…this has been confirmed! OMG! I LOVE HIM! He’s my SOULMATE!

Just a little commentary on The Bachelor last night, as well…do you all remember…back in the day, when there was a chance the bachelorettes might decline the Fantasy Suite invitation, or at least hesitate a bit because, well, you don’t know where the bachelor’s junk has been in the last couple of days? No more…oh no, this is a new generation of women who won’t even read the card they want to bed the man so quickly. Eh, like any of these relationships are going to last.

I’m so glad Grey’s Anatomy is back into the swing of things this season. Even the music is better, wouldn’t you agree?

I read…somewhere…might have been Ask Ausiello, that two people who we wouldn’t have thought would hook up would, actually, hook up. So last night, CU and I were trying to pair everyone up. Hahn and Syph Nurse? Chief Webber and Callie? McDreamy and Webber? After all, one is already fixing breakfast for the other. Oh wait, what about Pretty and Prettier? Swear to God, that was one of the best scenes of the night, right up there with the events surrounding, “Did you only shave one of your legs?”

Our biggest unanswered question…are there really only three attendings at Seattle Grace? From Hahn’s tirade last night, that’s what you’d think. FYI for those of you getting ready to visit the beautiful Emerald City anytime soon…unless your ailments are of a neurological, cardiothoracic or…plasticky nature, you might want to take your business to Mercy West. “We used to have an ob/gyn attending. As a matter of fact, she was a world-class neonatal surgeon…but she left.” I mean for criminy’s sake, Chicago County General has three attendings just for the ER, including one who is just working until December to make enough money for a surf trip.

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Yeah, I know I haven’t posted in awhile…I’ve started about half a dozen posts and in the end, they all end up sounding really lame so they’ve been scrapped.

To tide ya’ll over though…at least until my Marketing class ends and I get some semblance of a life back, how about a little Amazing Race fantasy game action over at Fafarazzi?

For those of you not involved in Fafarazzi, this could be a great opportunity to get involved…and can I just say, yours truly had a hand in determining some scoring rules…

• 1 point – Hugging Phil at the Pit Stop mat
• -2 points – Both teammates fail to drive a manual car (stick shift)

Heh. And now of course, I’m waiting to see how many people hit my site with the keywords “Amazing Race Phil Fantasy.” Just you wait.

Thanks, Jill…for providing this Amazing Race breaking news!

Thanks also to CBS, for putting it in a time slot that isn’t already booked for me.

Following Becky’s lead…

Shows I love:
Entourage
Lost
Dancing With the Stars
Grey’s Anatomy
How I Met Your Mother
The Office
Big Love
The Closer
Friday Night Lights
The Riches
Army Wives
The Amazing Race
Survivor: Wherever
Bridezillas

Shows that I like that could be on the “love” list if they weren’t so damn inconsistent:
Desperate Housewives

Shows I like:
Brothers & Sisters
My Name is Earl
Boston Legal
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Two and a Half Men
Project Runway

Shows that have either jumped the shark or suck, yet I still watch:
Weeds
The Bachelor
The Hills

New shows that I really like:
Chuck
Dirty Sexy Money
Pushing Daisies
Samantha Who
The Next Iron Chef

New shows that I kind of like and am still “trying out”:
Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares

New shows that I tried but didn’t like:
Cane
Private Practice
Kid Nation
Californication
Back to You

New shows that I liked but have already been canceled:
Not a one – have any shows been canceled yet this season?

What about you?

November 14th! Sweet!

At Jon’s prodding, I watched last night’s episode of Kid Nation at lunch. Whereas last week I thought it was “compelling,” this week I think it’s silly…and contrived…and so obviously produced. The producers have chosen, literally, The Most Perfect Children on Earth, because your “average” American kid wouldn’t give $20k they earnestly earned to their parents, unless their parents owed money to the mob or something. Or perhaps, their parents don’t have health insurance and as such, they have to pay full retail price for prescription Chantix. What kind of weirdo marketing strategy is that? An anti-smoking drug ad during Kid Nation?

Plus, I suspect most of these children are bio-medically engineered robots, because after listening to them complain about how cold they were, they got all excited at the thought of a waterslide in the middle of HannahMontana City. But, it’s heated! It’s much-needed entertainment! It’s 14 degrees outside! It would be fricketyfracking FREEZING when they got out of it, and their clothes would likely permanently mold to them the same way their laundry did in that pail! But DUDE, it’s so COOL!

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Watching:
Survivor: China (okay, not a premiere but I’m still watching)
Grey’s Anatomy
ER

Recording:
My Name is Earl
The Office
Big Shots

Skipping:
Ugly Betty
CSI

Josie went home…as predicted. Private Practice was unbearable…as expected.

We did watch Dirty Sexy Money last night and, you know what? I liked it. CU liked it. We enjoy the Darling family (Is Chuck the black sheep?) and their Kennedy/Hilton family tendencies, and I just love Peter Krause. I’ve been a fan since Sports Night. Nick George and the darlings are just that perfect juxtaposition of good versus…well, not evil necessarily, but seriously effed up.

Intrigue abounds…why does Karen have so many failed marriages? Sure, she’s been in love with Nick since she was a little girl, but she’s obviously looking for love…and sadly, with men who only seem to be interested in her financial and professional connections. By the way, Daniel Cosgrove (Matt from Beverly Hills, 90210) as Freddy…the PGA player…hilarious.

Also hilarious? Nick’s assistant Daisy and her selection of ringtones for each member of the Darling brood…”Rich Girl” for Juliet, “Pretty Woman” for Karen and “Hallelujah” for Reverend “I hate you” Jeremy. And, congratulations to Blackberry, for further showing the world that the Crackberry can, indeed, ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

What else does the show have…tranny hookers (“She’s not a tranny hooker.” – Patrick), suspicious plane crashes, a decades-long affair, an illegitimate child…and wonderful, wonderful Jeremy Darling. Naming his Asian sister-in-law, “No Fun” was the high point of the evening. Wait, wait…I take that back. The high point of the evening was a really weird cameo by Dan Rather. Huh?

Watching:
Dancing With the Stars
Private Practice
Dirty Sexy Money

Recording:
America’s Next Top Model
Kid Nation
Kitchen Nightmares

Skipping:
Back to You
Bionic Woman
Life

Boo Hoo … Another Bachelor Bust-Up – TMZ.com

So in my Fafarazzi Dancing With the Stars Fantasy League, at the last minute I switched out Helio for Floyd. Big mistake. Big. Why can’t I simply trust my gut? I now know better, and also understand the rules of Fafa TV leagues a bit better.

Thoughts on last night’s beefcake-fest…

• Helio is perfect…even if I’m now sort-of forced to call him Jean Girard.
• Len wisely refrained from telling Wayne Newton he reminded Len of himself as a young man.
• CU and I are at odds with each other over who has the hotter girl crush – me with Edyta, and him with Julianne.
• Speaking of Edyta, YAY for finally geting a partner who is physically compatible with her.
• What is it with this show and all the invalids? Robo-Leg from last season, Old Man Cuban’s hip replacement, and then Cameron had some sort of disease as a child which left his legs in braces for several months? Where’s that girl with the webbed toes from The Bachelor on Monday? She’d fit right in.

The guys were just fantastic last night…even Floyd, once Karina executed her pout-and-leave-the-room act with standard precision, which always seems to melt her “jackassy” partners to a pool of ballroom goo. I don’t get that. Floyd has a lot of…spirit…he just needs to figure out how to dance. Funny thing, I think I said something similar about Emmitt Smith awhile back.

Going home tonight: Josie Moran. How do I know this? Well, when Tom Bergeron was talking about someone going home on the results show, the camera focused squarely on Ms. Moran’s face. Then, when earlier in the show Tom talked about the stress of the ladies and “someone may go home,” the camera cut to the ladies lined up in their chairs, with Jennie Garth reaching over Josie to grab Sabrina’s hand. It was so awkward, we had to back it up and watch again. You can see the exact moment when Josie mistakenly thinks all three ladies are going to join hands in solidarity but no, she quickly realizes her gaffe and puts her hands back in her lap. Ouch.

**Confidential to Samantha Harris: I need you to come back to the show. As much as I used to snark on you and your spokesmodel tendencies, I’m getting sick of hearing Drew Lachey compare all of his scores to this season’s scores thus far. His exchange with Cheryl Burke last night which ended with, “I think Wayne might be the best partner I’ve ever had,” made me want to throw a shoe at the TV. Please come back. You can even bring the baby. No one will mind.**

Capt. UberHusband summed up last night’s episode of The Bachelor with one sentence, in faux-response to Nanny McMallory’s request that Bachelor Brad take off his pants and come take a dip in her swimming pool of love:

I’d take off my pants, but then you’d see that I have no penis.

Yeah, I know the show is formulaic, but in it’s 123rd season I still find it terribly quaint that deluded men and women still think they can “find their soul mate (soulmate? soul-mate?)” in a Malibu mansion, surrounded by two dozen other women and a permanently open bar.

Hey, did you hear Andy & Tessa broke up?

Watching:
Dancing With the Stars
Boston Legal

Recording:
Cane
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Skipping:
Bones
House
The Unit
NCIS
The Biggest Loser

Watching:
Dancing with the Stars
The Bachelor

Recording:
Two and a Half Men
How I Met Your Mother
Chuck
Journeyman
Weeds

Skipping:
The Big Bang Theory
Prison Break
K-Ville
Heroes
Rules of Engagement
CSI: Miami

First off, I think I should get 50 bonus points for having the person voted off first on my Fafarazzi fantasy Survivor: China team (don’t click if you don’t want to know who it was). I mean, seriously. I have this knack of tagging people I think will just be fantastic in the game…and then watching them get voted off 40 minutes later. That probably explains why I have a team of nitwits for my marketing project…my Lamedar must need a tune-up.

You always know it will be a good season though, when you can remember names and faces of more than three people after the first episode. Originally I liked Chicken, because he seemed like one of those perennial “old guys” who fly under the radar and impart wisdom where necessary, inspiring the younguns with his wit and zest for life. Boy, was I off the mark with that one. My prospective hero morphed into a passive-aggressive ass, which I suspect Peih-Gee would have liked to kick, had she not been so busy “bossing” the other ladies around.

CU brought up an interesting point last night, to which I replied, “Welcome to my genderrific world.” He noticed that when men take charge and exert some leadership, they’re respected for it. When women step up to that same podium though, they’re called “bossy” – and usually by other women. Yep. Two points for CU.

I was so disappointed Leslie’s team name, Fei Long, didn’t translate into “Chinese Non-Christian Team of Pagan Worshippers”, because think of all the drama that would have provided! Oh, the mental, spiritual and emotional hand-wringing! Jeepers…Probsty said upfront the initial ceremony wasn’t one of worship…why did she have to make it one? The producers aren’t trying to make you look like a hypocritical fool, lady. That doesn’t happen until episode two.

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I watched Kid Nation last night…and, it wasn’t that bad. It was compelling (drama over the macaroni!), and there were enough kids I liked to keep me coming back for at least another episode.

My one big issue is the word “kid” spans so many years…and it really did seem inappropriate to have 8-year olds and 15-year olds tackling the same challenges – emotional, physical, or whatever. Reminded me why I don’t like teenage boys. Take those bratty older boys and you have demon spawn who lives behind me.

My favorite so far is Taylor…she’s so cute and I like her moxie, even if she is a beauty queen. Plus, she has the most wonderfully awesome Georgia accent. I bet she’d know where to find the US on a map of the world.

It seems The Powers That Be over in TV land are heck-bent on only producing televisions shows based on places Capt. UberHusband has lived or affiliated with things he has done. For example, Over There, North Shore, Hawaii and Beach Patrol: Honolulu. I mean come on, he even gets The Andy Griffith Show!

Where’s the love for Snarkwife? All I have to my credit is a soap opera named after my college town and…Eight is Enough.

Once again, CU gets the non-short end of the stick as Fox has graced us with K-Ville, the story of a sleepy little burb in the aftermath of the Disaster All Y’all Ain’t Never Allowed To Forget. The premise is this: Marlin is a NOLA cop and, in the midst of Katrina beating the crap out of the city, Marlin’s partner Charlie gets scared and flees.

Cut to now, and the city is apparently policed by bad-asses and manly women. Call me spoiled, but if a department isn’t staffed by people like the gang from The Closer, I just have a hard time getting close to them, you know? Maybe New Orleans needs a nerdy Asian lieutenant in their ranks.

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Mark Cuban, Wayne Newton Try `Dancing’ – Forbes.com

TMZ announced the alleged Dancing With the Stars roster yesterday…ahead of the ABC announcement…and was WRONG! I mean really, what were the odds we’d get two 90210 alums, especially with Tori working on her own show?

Who else did they unnecessarily tease us with…Lou Ferrigno…Nia Peeples…Gisele Bundchen (really?)…and Aaron Carter. And after seeing that horrible show about the Carter brothers, I am very happy he’s not on the official list. I could so see him getting all grabby with Julianne Hough. That would anger CU, let me tell you.

I am happy though, about the Mark Cuban choice…if for no other reason than it means all of our local newscasts will make fun of him until he’s voted off, which should be about a week.

My favorite in the bunch though, is definitely Wayne Newton. Every season we’ve had the Awesomely Aging Guy…George Hamilton, Jerry Springer, John Ratzenberger…but…which Professional Partner will they team up with him? Edyta?

Tune in for the season premiere on Monday, September 24!

When I was talking to my mom last night, I actually had to put her on hold for a second so I could rearrange some timers on our DVR. You see, we have too many shows to record on Monday nights and things were overlapping…and I was getting messages that certain things weren’t going to record due to conflicts…oy.

Too many shows to record…in August. I don’t recall ever having said anything like that before. I told Mom I don’t remember ever having this much new television to watch during the summer months. We’re actively watching (from what I can remember…our DVR knows for sure) Army Wives, Bridezillas, Entourage, Big Love, Weeds and The Closer. Factor in Throwdown With Bobby Flay and Beach Patrol and it’s starting to look like late September around here.

Of course, the real tragedy is the season finales of Army Wives, Entourage and Big Love are looming in the near future. Big Love ending already is a definite bummer, for it has become one of my favorite weird family dynamic dramas. Nicki’s hysterical chastising of Benny with, “You don’t get to pick and choose which parts of the Principle you want to follow!” was fantastic. You go, girl! If he wants to be a priestholder and have multiple wives, he needs to understand the “You’re not my mother” argument isn’t going to fly. I fell asleep 2/3 into last night’s episode, so I need to catch up. I do need Margene to actually start looking a little pregnant…the way the show has flowed this season, it seems like only a month has passed. At this rate, they’ll have to replace Teeny (does she even still live there?) next season or marry her off to someone or something.

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So, I have found my new favorite show…The Singing Bee. Now, I don’t know if Fox’s rival So You Think You Can Sing Like A Fifth Grader will be any better, but I can tell you…any show which results in me shouting in glee and pumping my fists in the air multiple times can’t be all that bad.

Plus, it has Joey Fatone, a live band and scantily clad dancing girls affectionately called “The Honey Bees!” Of course, CU and I couldn’t look at the Honey Bees without thinking about her and the botched Mother of the Year contest on Big Love.

Ah yes, it’s that magical seventh week of the term…when you’re worn out by Org Behavior terms and your co-workers want to strangle you for trying to use them as guinea pigs for your Critical Incident Case assignment…but you still have a good five weeks left of the class. Bleh.

The fourth season premiere of Entourage was last night, and I had read ahead of time that it wouldn’t be “the standard” episode but instead, a mockumentary-like insight of the Medellin production process. I still thought it was a great episode – same trademark humor, and Drama even got his cameo appearance in the film (“I don’t make movies.” – Billy Walsh).

And, Mrs. Ari now has top billing! Yay! Adios, Debi Mazar!

I swear, it’s starting to look like October around here…something new to watch every night! Tonight we have the season premiere of The Closer, a new ep of Big Love…and we (or, I) still have Bridezillas and Army Wives from last night.

Considering I am such a creature of habit, imagine my confusion when I flipped over to TNT at 9 a.m. to have my daily dose of ER and Judging Amy in the background and instead, was jolted by a marathon of The Closer.

I remember I read in a book that spouses of deployed soldiers should refrain from doing anything drastic which could be perceived as a change in routine when their soldiers come home…like move the furniture or buy new cars. Switching up my daytime schedule is akin to that, so I’ll be spending the rest of the day dealing with my PTSD. Thanks, TNT.

Last night was Season Finale Thursday, my friends!

The Office

I cheered when Jim came back to Scranton and asked Pam if she was available for dinner (“Great…then it’s a date.”) and then I squealed when Corporate offered the Job Formerly Known As Jan’s to…Ryan. Did you stick around to the very end? If you didn’t, you missed the big call and Kelly’s subsequent out-of-body experience.

Everything will shift around next season, but I do wonder if they’ll bring Karen back at least to clean out her desk, since she has a new show on Fox this Fall and all.

Jan and her new boobs will be moving in with Michael after her erratic freak-out and subsequent firing (“Is it because of these????“), provided Michael can back out of the premature eBay sale of his condo (“It’ll probably affect my negative feedback.”). And, like Mike and Susan on Desperate Housewives, it looks like after three seasons, we’ll be able to watch Jim and Pam actually give their relationship a shot.

My favorite scene though, was when Michael came back from New York and told Ryan to get him a cup of coffee. Ryan’s response? “I don’t do that anymore.” Hee.

If anyone can find a Schrute Buck on the internets, let me know. There a few people I’d like to give them to. Special shout-out to Jenna Fischer (because she reads my blog, not)…get well soon!

Grey’s Anatomy

While I love hearing Jim and Pam talk about how they’re best friends and the fun they have, whenever I hear Izzie Stevens tell George he’s her best friend, a chill runs up my spine. Izzie has turned into this weird friendship stalker with crazy eyes who, a mere season ago (which was like, three months in GA time) was getting ready to marry Denny Duquette. Man, that girl sure does fall in and out of love easily…and quickly…and inappropriately.

The only thing I didn’t care for in last night’s finale was how they put everything, literally, into the last fifteen minutes. I’d read (and heard) from Shonda Rimes that this was going to have some big events but…Callie wants a baby? Really? If George actually thought that was a good idea, then I’m not surprised he failed his intern exam, because boyfriend’s common sense is sorely lacking.

I half-expected The Chief to have Bailey skip all tasks and go directly to the Chief of Surgery Pit Stop, but even the writers thought that was too incredulous an idea…so they gave the Chief Resident slot to Calliope Torres, who follows in the footsteps of the fine Drs. Mark Greene and Archie Morris.

The most surprising thing for me last night, was the discovery that Cristina’s been desperately unhappy and trapped during her entire relationship with Burke. At least, that was my interpretation. I’ve read in a couple other places she was flipping out because he was gone, but when I see someone yell “I’M FREE!” complete with Meredith cutting away the wedding gown, that just didn’t seem like remorse…it felt like relief. Thoughts? The worst part is still yet to come, however…when she wakes up the next day and realizes she may be free, but she still doesn’t have any real eyebrows. Now that’s a tragedy a girl just can’t get over in quick fashion.

Biggest non-surprise? Meredith’s half-sister showing up for her first day as an intern at Seattle Grace, all full of smiles and promise…what, two days after her mom’s funeral? Huh? With all the family bonding, Susan and Papa Grey never thought to mention their other daughter would be showing up in a week? Seriously? Nice touch in retrospect though, having Derek flirt with another Grey Girl at Joe’s the night before she began her intern year. Oh no…won’t be much drama between the intern, the resident and the neurosurgeon next season.

And…Shonda…yeah you…can you quit with everyone wearing black in the season finales? Oh, and for those of you keeping score at home, Season One finale…Derek & Meredith break up. Season Two finale, they get back togehter. Season Three finale, they sorta break up.

ER

The only parts of last night’s finale I actually watched (the rest is recorded) were the scenes between Neela and Ray. Oh, how my heart broke when the orderlies turned his wheelchair around and he’d lost both his legs. Because he’d been hit. By a truck. Listening to a voice mail from Neela. After kicking Gates’s ass. Because, Gates is an ass. And now, Ray’s on his way back to Baton Rouge with his mom. Please ER producers…give the guy new legs and bring him back to County one of these days.

And, I’m sorry, but was Neela getting trampled to death at the end?

Really, Melinda? Ten katrillion weeks into the competition and you can’t remember Randy Jackson’s name?

Even with that completely inexcusable gaffe, your American Idol final two will be…Melinda and Blake. I know, all you Blake-haters (Justin Timberfake, I believe?) think I’m nuts, but I just don’t see Jordin & Melinda in the final two.

If you want to look at the song choices for last evening as clues to who will stay and who will go…Melinda “believes in miracles,” Jordin’s back to standing outside restaurant windows looking sad and pathetic…and Blake doesn’t care if it’s wrong or if it’s right. Simon was in a good mood, Paula was disturbingly bleary-eyed the whole show (they didn’t even bother to put eye makeup on her)…and Randy would like Blake to become part of Maroon 6.

And for those of you still watching Dancing With the Stars…Ian and Cheryl went home last night. I almost expected Cheryl to knock Ian to the ground and kick the crap out of him for dashing her hopes of a DWTS hat trick. In defense of Ian though, Cheryl’s choreography was really tame and dull next to the more exciting offerings of Julianne Hough…and she doesn’t have that cute Australian accent like Kym Johnson.

On tap for tonight…the ultimate immunity challenge on Lost, and…Melinda goes home. Hey, I was right last week with LaKisha. Then again, I also picked Chris Sligh to go all the way.

PS – I got a perfect score on my first unit essay for Org Behavior…I rock! Game on, Marge!

I think I’ve figured out why Blake Lewis has dropped off in appeal for me…it’s his hair. I loved his blonde hair, and now he looks just like all the other brunettes on the stage…well, you know what I mean. Didn’t he realize the folks on The Soup were kidding when they were hawking the House of Sanjaya as the answer to all that ails your hair?

You have to kind of know going in though, that with Blake, LaKisha, Melinda and Jordin…Barry Gibb Night is going to be a bit of a challenge. Barry Gibb Night was a bit of a challenge for me, as the first thing I said when BG started speaking was, “When did Barry Gibb turn into Sean Connery?” I was hoping he’d say something like, “That’s what yer mother said, Trebek!”

At least Jordin didn’t say, “Omigod! My grandma loves you!”

On the upside, for the first time in my 35 years, I was actually able to understand the lyrics to all the songs, except for “Woman In Love.” I already knew all the words to that song (which embarrasingly, I was able to demonstrate to CU last evening) as my mother enjoyed playing the Guilty album every single Saturday morning while she cleaned the house. I’ve always suspected that was her way of getting me up and out of bed, because really, what 15-year old can actually sleep with that racket playing in the living room?

I didn’t have that same experience of immediate lyric recognition during Blake’s second performance of “Unknown B Side.” As much as I hate to say it, I think Blake’s on his way out.

Or…maybe it will be LaKisha. Phil Stacey went out in a “Blaze of Glory” last week…oh the irony if “Staying Alive” seals the same fate for LaKisha. Maybe Melinda had the right idea when she told BG she wanted to avoid singing about losers.

Once again, for the 32nd consecutive season…the team I want to win The Amazing Race doesn’t win. AARGH! CU and I have been gunning for KandyDust to win since, oh, episode three or four…but victory was not to be theirs last night. I would have preferred Charla and Mirna win if KandyDust wasn’t going to do it…but Eric and Danielle? Really?

As usual, the high point of the episode for me was when they went to Hawaii, because CU and I like to incorporate visiting Amazing Task Locations during our trips there. The only location on Oahu this time though, was the Hamaka Air Hangar, and we went there back in February of ‘05. Who knows, maybe this next trip we’ll helicopter over to Lanai.

In other weekend news…we took Cookie back to the vet on Friday, because we stopped her meds on Wednesday and she coughed all night Thursday. Our vet confirmed what we already knew really, that Cookie’s in the beginning (we hope) stages of heart failure. What this means is we keep her on the meds (enalapril and furosemide), twice a day, for the rest of her life. I am truly amazed at the power of medications – she hasn’t coughed, her heart and breathing rates are where they should be (How did I not know what was “normal” for the first ten years of her life?) and, the best part? She’s back on puppy food. Cookie’s always been skinny but in the last six months or so, she’s gotten downright bony.

What else…school started over the weekend. What they say about online classes is true…you definitely spend more time working on them, if for no other reason than you’re pretty much forced to interact with your fellow classmates via threaded discussions. I probably learned more about my 20 classmates in the last two days than I did about any of my fellow classmates in my undergrad classes.

But, Org Behavior is going to be a kick. I really enjoy analyzing people and their behaviors and discussing what facilitates positive outputs…and God knows I have enough case studies at my company…it’s like Christmas in May!

Listen to me…”facilitates positive outputs.” Sigh. I can’t write things like that without thinking of my high school English teachers, who used to get on me for overuse of “flowery” language.

**Spoilers below…BEWARE!**

Oh Shonda, I am so disapponted with you…couldn’t you have gone outside your formula just a bit when creating the new characters for Montgomery’s Anatomy?

Did you have to cast George O’Malley as Cooper, the befuddled pediatrician who carries a perma-torch for Violet, played by Izzie Stevens? I must say though, it was a clever casting move with Alex Karev as HIMSELF in twenty years. Kidding. UGH.

Let me say that again…UGH.

Now, I know I didn’t like Grey’s Anatomy at first, either…but to take Addison and Meredithify her…complete with the insanely LAME “talking elevator”…and then top it off with her desperation to have a baby because she needs “change” in her life (Hello! Worst reason ever to have a baby!)…let me say that again…UGH.

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Is it just me, or do the writers at Grey’s Anatomy seem to be stuck in a dark and twisty spiral of misery and agony? If you consider, according to the show’s alleged timeline, the characters haven’t even finished their first year of residency…here’s what they’ve dealt with:

• George’s dad dies
• Meredith’s Alzheimer’s-stricken mother lives, then dies
• Izzie’s fiancé dies
• Cristina miscarries
• Cristina & Burke get engaged
• George gets syphilis
• George sees Cristina naked at Burke’s apartment
• Meredith nearly drowns, dies, sees Bomb Guy & Denny, then comes back to life
• Meredith sees Bomb Guy blow up
• Meredith’s dog dies

I could go on and on…but last night’s episode was the capstone of the season in my opinion, because now Izzie’s adopted-out daughter Hannah has arrived at the Foremost and Apparently, Only Hospital In The Country with leukemia and her adoptive parents want Izzie to donate bone marrow. All together now…seriously?

We knew she’d eventually show up because, what would the point have been of Izzie confiding she had a daughter to Meredith last season? And of course, the daughter is beautiful, Izzie is verklempt, and George gets his first opportunity to put Izzie’s pants on, rather than take them off. Go team.

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Sanjaya was voted off American Idol last night, and his singular name will now permanently be as instantly recognizable as Cher, Madonna, Britney and Rosie.

I was trying to think of men whom we can identify just by their first name, but all I came up with was Jesus, and that just really didn’t seem appropriate.

All ponyhawks will be worn at half-staff until further notice.

Okay…I didn’t pay much attention last night during American Idol. CU and I were busy updating my resume for my UoD application…and listening to Cookie cough. Seems the poodle has been stricken by the demon illness of little dogs…a collapsing trachea. Sigh…yeah, that’s it’s own barrel of laughs. For a dog whose life mission it has been to kick ass now and ask questions later, it’s very frustrating to see her being knocked around by this. I’m taking her back in to the vet today, as she seems to have gotten worse since we put her on the meds…so it’s time for x-rays to see what we’re officially dealing with.

5:11 PM Update: It’s not a collapsed trachea, it’s fluid in her lungs…which if we can’t clear it out, will likely indicate she’s at the beginning stages of heart disease. Damn poodle. She’s now on FOUR meds, so…say a doggie prayer everything clears out and the coughing subsides. I’m not ready to pass over into that stage of her life, yet.

Back to American Idol…I did see Sanjaya’s kinda freaky (although, THANK YOU SANJAYA for not doing your hair Bonnie Raitt-style) version of “Something To Talk About”, and LaKisha’s very weird rendition of “Jesus Take The Wheel” and…Chris singing, again, in the key of Chris.

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This week on The Bachelor: 911!, our bevy of bachelorettes is subjected to Bloody Mary Boot Camp (Wait! We can’t start until I put on my mascara and moisturize my legs!), then sexy group dates involving mud wrestling, auto racing (or “driving lessons”, depending on who you are) and, in probably the meanest date idea ever, Andy takes Peyton and Tessa on a guided tour of the USS Mojito and then has to leave one behind…literally!

After Andy snuggles up to both of them and Peyton pours her heart out to him while Tessa looks at him sideways-y the whole conversation…LT Andy decides he has more of a connection with Tessa…so he gives Tessa the rose. Huh? Then, they just leave Peyton standing there on the tarmac, surrounded by airplanes, with nothing except a random blanket to keep her warm…as LT Andy and Tessa fly back to The House in a helicopter while she’s stuck waiting for the next Greyhound back. Whatever. Just sad.

Speaking of sad, the winner of the Excedrin “Power Through and GO” Rose last night was Bevin, who injured her previously-injured ankle while being harangued by the guy who taught Milhouse and Bart to play “BOMBARDMENT!” on The Simpsons. Cue ambulance siren. LT Andy arrives on the scene, SGT McYell asks…snicker…if he’s the medic and LT Andy…replies…snicker…”No, I’m a doctor.” Seriously.

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Well kids, last night was the season finale of Friday Night Lights and as you would expect, the Dillon Panthers got the knickers beaten off of them 52-0. Kidding. Really though, did anyone actually think they were going to lose? If they lose, you can’t have a big parade back in town the next day, and they still had a minute-forty two to fill.

Several weeks ago, there was an open casting call in these here parts to fill up Texas Stadium for the big episode…and CU and I thought about going out there just for the experience. But then…then we read something about possibly needing to sit around for 16 hours and we said…um…no.

I really did love the scene though, when the team walks into Texas Stadium…with all of the awe and amazement we haven’t seen since Hickory’s basketball team made it to State.

My one concern about the direction the show might be heading if/when it comes back next Fall…and I guess they had to do this to keep Coach and Mrs. Coach in the apparent social Utopia that is Dillon…Mrs. Coach is pregnant. Don’t get me wrong…if I could have my choice of two people to repopulate the Earth, it would be Tami and Eric Taylor.

However. I thought mid-life pregnancies, especially when you already have a thriving 15-year old daughter (not to mention a schoolful of kids in dire need of her help, about whom Mrs. Coach made an impassioned speech just last week and were willing to separate from your husband during the week to help), were reserved for shark-jumping seasons of shows like Family Ties, Growing Pains and Murphy Brown.

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Oh, Haley. The shorts and skirts keep getting shorter…the heels keep getting higher…the lips keep getting redder…and, apparently, even Simon Cowell is tiring of it. You’re a nice enough young woman…cut your losses and head on over to The Bachelor, where they’d appreciate your wares more.

Lest you think I fixated solely on Haley’s appearance for ninety seconds…that wasn’t the case. Her rendition of “Turn The Beat Around” (Was Vicki Sue Robinson a Latina? Or was she singing the Gloria Estefan version?) showed an utter lack of breath control, as she sounded likeIdowhenItry(BREATHE)to singthesong.

Everyone else was just…eh. I love “Sway”…and the Pussycat Dolls’ version is fantastic…but Simon was right, Mindy Doo seemed about fifty years old. However, I thought her performance was fantastically sexy, until the song ended and she went back to her Oliver Twisty personality. Weird. I guess you can turn sexy on and off like a switch.

LaKisha…looked fantastic, sang fantastic…and Simon’s a jerk, because the girl can dance just fine.

All of the guys were kind of a blur…Chris, Blake and Phil all sound exactly the same to me every week now…which drives me nuts. Chris will sing in that only falsetto key he seems to know now, even when cleverly hidden inside his “lower register”…and same with Blake. To be honest, I don’t think I even listened to Phil…what did he sing?

Jordin, as always, is wonderful…but the evening’s capstone was saved for…{whisper}…Sanjaya. I was talking to Mom last night (who “doesn’t care for” Sanjaya, by the way) and I told her that Sanjaya…and I honestly believe this…isn’t a terrible singer. He’s sort of strange in his choices, but aren’t those the folks we always make fun of…the ones who do things differently than us and therefore, make us feel awkward?

Although I would not besa him mucho, his voice was clear and didn’t need 15 backup singers (Haley, can you hear me over all of them?) to deliver the song. Randy declared him the “smartest contestant” and Simon didn’t think he was too bad. And this week, I think he actually meant it.

Bottom two: Phil and Haley. Please please please…let Haley go home.

Buh-bye Leeza, welcome back Drew!

I don’t know which part of his impromptu encore performance was more entertaining…seeing the Severe Thunderstorm Watch up in the corner of my TV screen the whole performance, or hearing Big & Rich sing the lyrics, “I sang ever Drew Lachey song I could think of, then we made love” – really? Name one Drew Lachey song…and “I Do (Cherish You)” doesn’t count, because we all know Screech from Saved By The Bell sang that one.

I’ve decided my new Favorite Thing To Do is watch The Bachelor: Incoming! with Capt. UberHusband. He is, without a doubt, the funniest person I know…as I can always count on him to say things like this:

While bachelorettes are wandering around in bikinis, drinking mimosas: “Take off your tops. I want to give you physicals.”

When Stephanie from South Carolina arrived at the yacht for her one-on-one date: “Wait until she finds out that isn’t really his boat.”

In reaction to some chick’s comment about how every guy wants to date a virgin: “No they don’t. No guy wants to date a virgin.”

During the Rose Ceremony’s meet-n-greet: “What on Earth is LT Andy drinking?” Oh wait…maybe that was me.

We did come up with a couple of new “twists” for next season. In the second episode, the Bachelor gets to give one bachelorette a special rose…a non-red rose. We’ll call it…the Fast Forward Rose.

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So, let’s talk about television last night…specifically, let’s talk about how critical the Paso Doble is on Dancing With The Stars. The bar was raised so high by Drew Lachey and Cheryl Burke in season two, that I now just assume no one else can bullfight like they did. Sadly, I was right.

Plus, the judges were in an odd mood last night. Although Carrie Anne correctly identified Billy Ray Cyrus’s Paso Doble as an odd combination of weird and hot and strange and sexy, Len and Bruno were bickering like a married couple…nitpicking everything, and making me grateful when Samantha Harris took over the microphone. Yeah, you won’t see me write that again.

I’ve said it before…song selection is critical…and unfortunately, the dancers have no choice in what song they get. I envision all of the couples standing around on Wednesday afternoon, drawing straws to see who gets stuck with This Week’s Sucky Song. Remember the week Lisa Rinna was saddled with “The Final Countdown”? Laila and Maksim drew the short straw this week. Who dances the Paso Doble to a march?

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I decided to wait until noon-ish to talk about The Amazing Race, to give Joyce and Uchenna a chance to catch up to the rest of the world.

Lordy…how ugly was that? Last night’s episode started out innocently enough…leave Krakow, go to Kuala Lumpur. Seems easy enough, right? Wrong. CU and I got into a mildly heated discussion about when you should take a very big risk, and when you shouldn’t. He tends to lean towards risk…I on the other hand, am incredibly risk-averse.

For example, if I am in a race to win a million dollars…and I have fifteen minutes of wiggle room…I’m the one who will shake her head and say, “I dunno…what if we miss our connecting flight? What if we hit the jet stream and are taken 500 miles off course and come in 35 minutes late? What if the captain goes all wiggy, starts cursing at us, and our flight is cancelled? Then, we’ll show up 12 hours late and bloggers everywhere will make fun of us.”

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No, I’m not talking about his post-graduate ambitions…I’m talking about what a small world it is. Turns out, one of my co-workers knows someone who knows someone who knows Sanjaya’s family.

CU and I recorded (see post below, for full television pre-empting information) and watched Friday Night Lights last night (which was so very wonderful…if you’re not watching it, download it from iTunes…seriously…do it now…will be the best $40 you spend all month…guaranteed), and came into American Idol late, only to find Tony Bennett out with the flu (yeah, whatever).

Michael Bublé bravely stepped in to pinch-hit, doing his very best Blake Lewis impression. I love Michael Bublé, but the recording studio seems to be very good to him…live…not so much.

Bottom three…Phil, Haley & Gina…no Sanjaya…again. Phil is sent back to the corral, because the AI producers like screwing with this poor guy…and Gina is sent home. Fine by me. After watching a 90-second close-up of her tongue ring while singing “Smile” Tuesday night, that pretty much did me in. And, oh so sadly ironic she had to sing that same song on her way out last night.

Next week’s theme? Country! YEAH BABY! I think I could die a happy woman if I could hear Sanjaya sing, “I Like It, I Love It”…but I have this funny feeling I will be subjected to some sort of “Howdy Doody Reject” performance, instead.

I understand when people get on in years, society is a lot more tolerant of their fashion choices but, really now…Tony…a yellow blazer?

Last night’s American Idol theme was “Standards Anyone Can Sing In Any Key They Choose”. The standouts included the usual…Mindy Doo and LaKisha…but, who would have thought Chris Richardson would bring some updated sexy back to a song any woman around my age remembers as “The Love Theme From When Harry Met Sally?”

And Sanjaya…oh, Sanjaya. I was telling CU that he was actually pretty good in the auditions, but…has just gotten worse and worse. I’m not necessarily talking about the singing because…really…he was never going to win. However, is there a reason he feels the need to just phone it in now? When it looked like he was at least trying, I was able to get on board the “it’s so bad it’s good” train. Now though…with even Ryan Seacrest upping the mock factor…I don’t blame Simon for just sitting there and saying, “Whatever. You’re brilliant.”

Even the chick who went on a hunger strike until Sanjaya was voted off has given up…ironically…right before Easter! In retrospect..how awesome would it have been for all of us to have given up Sanjaya for Lent? Had we known then what we know now…

Tonight…please America…tell me you’re sending Haley “Bright Lights, Short Skirts” Scarnato home. We all know Sanjaya isn’t going anywhere.

As a side note…CU and I missed most of Dancing With The Stars, as WFAA decided to pre-empt most of the results show with some hooey about a tornado in Arlington and omnipresent doppler radar images. Wisely though, they cut back just in time for me to find out Lady and the Tramp Tattoo were sticking around…and Shandi & Slight were headed home.

Tonight…Friday Night Lights, Haley goes home…and Kate and Juliet roll around in the mud!

The last couple of weeks of promos for The Bachelor: Officer Island have driven CU and me absolutely bezerkeroo. “He’s a soldier! He’s a surgeon!”

No, he’s not! He’s a sailor, not a soldier! Cripes, ABC. We’ve been involved in the war on terror for several years now…time to acquaint yourself with intrinsic differences between the Army and Navy.

This season’s bachelor, LT Andy Baldwin, grew up in Amishland, went to Duke…had the choice (?) between becoming a SEAL and going to medical school…so he went to med school. Now, he’s “an undersea medical officer for a special operations dive unit stationed in Pearl Harbor.”

He loves children, has a heart of gold and…even does the Ironman triathalon thing. And, today’s his 30th birthday! On paper, he sounds amazing. But, does he have the mettle to go up against the biggest threat to our nation’s security…25 desperate women?

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I think I’ve figured out what my issue is with Shandi & Brian on Dancing With The Stars. Remember back in…oh, I don’t know…fifth or sixth grade, when they’d corral all of the kids in the cafeteria on rainy days and force us to learn important life skills like the Virginia Reel?

At that point, we ladies were starting to experience our growth spurt, while the boys were still stuck being shorter than us…and slighter than us. That’s CU’s word…slight…and how he described Brian in proportion to Ms. Shandissey.

No doubt, I’m sure Shandi & Brian are nice people…but they’re just…weird. They have zero chemistry, and…could their dancing be described as pitchy? Please, oh please…send them home tonight.

The Good: Joey & Kim, dancing the Tango to the Star Wars theme (with guest star R2-D2!); Ian & Cheryl, getting in touch with his inner Chippendale and rocking the shakin’ ass…and Skater Boi & Julianne, who are so very awesome together.

The Bad: While I do continue to give props to Heather Mills and the courage it takes to come out and do that thing she does each week now, talk about an unfair advantage. No one else gets to go get a bouncier leg so they can dance better. Hell, Master P clunked around on his own two stiff legs and managed to make it through 3 or 4 weeks of competition. While she was good, and girlfriend gets credit for coming out in the shoes she was wearing, she really wasn’t 24-points good. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to award this round of the competition to RoboLeg.

And, in rather efficient fashion, Leeza Gibbons’s “tramp” tattoo (giggle! it’s fake!) has replaced Phil Stacey’s knitted cap as the Next Big Thing. Such a cutthroat world…the land of sidekick accessories.

Hey…did you hear Survivor would be on tonight? No, not that Survivor…this Survivor! Rrrow!

I have a really low tolerance for whiners. Now, sometimes whining is justified as a means of blowing off steam, or just getting some negative emotions out about a really bad situation…but that’s not the kind of whining I’m talking about.

Oh, no.

I’m talking about the kind of whining you do when, say, your height-challenged partner on The Amazing Race is about 1/10th the size of the rather imposing animal standing next to her, is having difficulty maneuvering said animal because, oh, I don’t know, she’s wearing a suit of armor…and you…you have the audacity to gripe in the car that you do everything.

I believe it was about this stage of the race the last time Charla & Mirna were on the show, when I wanted to figure out a way to somehow crawl into the television, pin Mirna down and just let Charla go at her with some sort of native torture device from the country of {wherever they are that week}.

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Nikki: Way to go, Paolo. You really blew it this time. But, this conversation between our minds is pretty slick…since we can’t speak or move or indicate to the dog that we’re not dead.
Paolo: What do you mean, I blew it? How was I supposed to know you were going to throw a Medusa spider on me, which would then bite me, rendering me paralyzed? This would be your fault for running onto the beach and saying “Paolo-sized”!
Nikki: I did not say “Paolo-sized”, I said “I’m paralyzed.”
Paolo: Yeah, well, regardless, here we are…lying in a grave, totally alive I might add, listening to the fat guy talk about how no one knew who we were.
Nikki: I can’t believe the scraggly blonde guys dragged that one chick into the woods. She sounded pretty pissed.
Paolo: Don’t change the subject. You know, had you not gotten all wiggy when I lit a cigarette when you were opening the safe, I wouldn’t have been chewing the nicotine gum and wouldn’t have had to look so hard for the gum after the crash. By the way, I was pretty impressed with how well the packaging held up, considering it was underwater in a murky pond for a month.
Nikki: This has nothing to do with the gum, and I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you found the bag because you were afraid I wouldn’t be with you anymore. I mean, I really can’t believe that. You wanted the diamonds just as badly as I did – badly enough to bury them in the back of a toilet.
Paolo: I should probably tell you something. When I was down there the first time, I heard a couple of people come in and talk about surgery and Michael. I don’t know if it was the Michael we knew, but the other people…I didn’t recognize them.
Nikki: Hey…they starting to toss sand in here. You know, I’m sorry for jumping all over you when you didn’t want to crawl up into that plane. I had no idea it would eventually come down and kill Boone. At least he’s free from Shannon…she was a serious whackjob.
Paolo: How much longer until the paralysis wears off?
Nikki: Probably about ten minutes. I have no idea how we’re going to get out of here.

Weren’t those some of the Seven Dwarfs? Breaky, Creaky & Achy?

Props to the always-funny Capt. UberHusband, for summing up Dionne Warwick’s performances on Dancing With The Stars last night:

“It’s sort of funny when everyone watching this show probably doesn’t remember her for her songs, but for the fact that she was a member of the Psychic Friends Network.”

But hey…say what you will about her…she sounds just as good now as she always has, which is a step up from other divas of her generation. Her first song, “Say A Little Prayer” was great…and although I can’t get My Best Friend’s Wedding out of my head as a natural association…watching Our Professional Dancers interpret the song in suspenders comes pretty darn close.

Ms. Warwicks’s second song, the ode-to-Mapquesty, “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” (“Depends on where you’re starting.” – Capt. UberHusband) was just…weird. The song itself was fine, but they had these two backup dancers (“unrelated twins,” per Tom Bergeron) who did…strange things. It was like soft-core porn the way they were touching each other and moving around each other. Actually, it was more like one of those Aerobicise videos from the early ’80s.

Since Sanjaya’s not competing this season (just you wait…he’ll be there for Season Nine), I was rooting for either Shandi “I Don’t Do Drugs Like Tara” Finnessey to go home or…Leeza “I’m 50!” Gibbons. Shandi’s partner gives me the willies, and I truly fear watching Leeza do the Paso Doble.

However, Paula Porizkova was not on my short list, because she’s funny, and I love her spirit. How can you not adore a woman who says she has no “inner Latina”? But, she went home…and joins, based on the montage I saw last night, a really bitter group of first-round losers from previous seasons. Well, except for Tucker Carlson…he has a thick enough skin to understand what this all means in the grand scheme of things. Ahem…kennymayne.

Oh, Sanjaya…I have no idea what you sang last night, but CU told me it was one of No Doubt’s greatest songs ever. Sigh. And the hair…oy…the hair…only the trained professionals at the House of Sanjaya could pull off that fearless feat.

I came in to the show 15 seconds late, so I didn’t catch what the theme was…was it “Embarrass Gwen Stefani”?

Other observations…

• In June of 1993, I sang “Last Dance” at a bar in Santa Barbara on karaoke night…I got a standing ovation…just like LaKisha. Thought I’d throw that out there, although I doubt strawberry margaritas were involved in her performance.
• Mindy Doo, as usual, was fabulous…although…the stage looked like a roller rink circa ‘82. Everyone, free skate!
• Chris Sligh…bleh. Dude, you’ve disappointed me so much this season.
• While I like Chris Richardson as a person, we’ve now gotten to the point in the com-pe-ti-tion where it becomes a serious liability if every song you sings sounds exactly the same. Rose calls him “breathy”…I call him…”one trick pony.”
• Phil Stacey, accompanied by Knitted Cap, sang a fantastic rendition of “Every Breath You Take”, which was the perfect song for him, dawg. I’m not sure I agreed with Simon’s assertation that he was the front-running guy in the competition…but considering what he was up against last night, might not be too far off.

Oh…if Sanjaya’s “Really Got You Now”…you can download the MP3 from the American Idol website. No joke. According to the website, “Hurry! MP3 Offer Ends May 23, 2007!!”

Postscript: Good Day down here in Dallas has Selena Ray and George Huff doing post-game commentary on Wednesday mornings. Selena just compared Gina to Kelly Clarkson. Seriously? No I mean, seriously…who is Selena Ray? George Huff rocks though, because he said Haley Scarnato was the most “cabaret” singer ever. Ever!

First off…HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Mama Snark, who is patiently waiting for winter to end in New York. Hang in there…August will be here before you know it!

When CU was in Iraq last year, I took it on as my personal mission to hook my mom onto every TV show I loved. My first task was to get her addicted to Lost, which worked, although I have no idea if she still watches it. The next one was Grey’s Anatomy…also successful. Finally, the hat trick was American Idol. I remember last season’s audition episodes almost lost her…but I told her to hang in there…that it got better. And, it did. We watched every week, like the AI groupies we are. Ahahaha…another unsuspecting victim to throw onto the pile with the other 38.1 million zombies.

Having said that, my mom “doesn’t care for” Sanjaya. I called her last night, asking her why on Earth that little girl was so terribly, tragically, visbly verklempt during Sanjaya’s gravelly (albeit entertaining) rendition “You Really Got Me Now”. We even got to see him grind around a bit in front of Paula. Hula dancer, indeed.

CU estimated Visibly Verklempt Girl was probably a gigantic fan of the show, has American Idol ringtones and desktop wallpapers and an actual seat in the audience was her 2nd biggest dream come true up until that point – the first, of course, being Simon’s interview with Anderson Cooper on 60 Minutes last Sunday night.

I suppose it wouldn’t be appropriate of me to mock, though…I was, after all, crying similarly about this guy at her age and this a few years later. Nobody ever came into the audience and hugged me, though. Now that I think about it, I never got closer to any of them than via an autographed photo.

So really, I can’t judge, as Visibly Verklempt Girl trumps 8×10 Glossy Girl. But then…the cameraman cut to her crying during Mindy Doo’s performance, too! Now, that was a little suspect. She didn’t cry when Haley “Snarkwife, quit mocking my Katherine McPhee-ness” Scarnato sang!
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Oh you Grey’s Anatomy folks…you’re so clever with your product non-placement.

Sooooo…how much do you all wanna bet Callie comes over to The House on the next episode and finds George in bed with Izzie? Then, we’d get to spend the rest of the season with the two of them insisting to everyone within earshot that Nothing Happened!

{rolling eyes}

I haven’t said, “No no no no no no no no noooooooooooooo” that much since the last time George hooked up with one of his roommates everyone knew he was hot for…except him. Look how well that turned out. For such a dork, he sure does get a lot of action.

In other news, Cardio God/McFossil arrives on the scene to make all the Attendings behave like morons, perform surgeries they shouldn’t, ignite rumors about the impending Chief Decision…and perform a little CPR on Cristina and Burke’s flatlining storyline…and pat Cristina’s ass. That McFossil…he’s a Renaissance man. And, formerly Cristina’s med school professor.

You see, when she was at Stanford, she had a three-year relationship with the guy. Now though…now she’s grown up and mature and has graduated from playing slap-and-tickle with her former superior to placating her new superior with a marriage ceremony and a white gown “if it will make him happy”. Insert face caress here.
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As I was scanning the CMM point-getters so far, I thought…what would it be like if there were a parallel March Madness tournament for the third-tier one-fafa-wonders we’ve come to know and love? The brackets could include all of the American Idol finalists, contestants on Dancing With the Stars who have both their original legs and…shoot…how about Bill Clinton?

Kinda like the NIT…not quite good enough to get into the Big Show, but entertaining nonetheless. Plus, they’ve got that head-scratching, “Wait…who are they again?” quality.

Plus, you can’t tell me Brangelina didn’t adopt Pax for the Fafa points. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that the adoption was finalized on the exact day CMM started. Unfortunately, at first glance I thought they’d adopted that cable network that used to show nothing but Mama’s Family reruns. I guess that’s next on the horizon, once they’re done adopting children.

(Cross-posted from Fafarazzi.com)

Oh, my. By the time Diana Ross finished singing the chorus to “More Today Than Yesterday” for the 63rd time on American Idol last night, I was wondering if I could vote her off. Dude. Dawg…it was pitchy…and weird. And I didn’t like the Wizard of Oz red platforms she was wearing. Other than that, she looked beautiful and she’s a wonderful spirit and I’m sure she’ll go far in her career.

I was still reeling from that performance when my homeboy John Stevens Kevin Covais Sanjaya got yet another another stay of execution. No joke…he’s going at least to the final six. I can completely see Gina “I’VE GOT BRASS…IN POCKET…AND I’M SHOUTING…TO MY LOVE CHILD” Glockson and Haley “How long until Katherine McPhee theme night?” Scarnato heading out first.

Last night as the show started, I was telling CU I was thankful we hadn’t gotten to the point in the season where the poor finalists were subjected to doing those awkward Ford Focus commercials. For some reason, I thought they waited until they only had enough people to put into two cars…which by my standards, would be eight. Guess “they” were thinking six to a car.

I flipped over to Lost at the tail-end of AI, so I didn’t hear what next week’s theme was…or if Ryan said anything about it at all. Is it Katherine McPhee week? Please tell me it is, because I really need to see more young women slithering around on the stage singing “Black Horse and a Cherry Tree.”

So…you all enjoying how it’s still pitch-black outside at 7:30 this morning?

When I was watching Rahb & Ambuh struggle through the Detour last night on The Amazing Race, I was reminded of that episode of The Simpsons when Milhouse gives Lisa that valentine…the “I Choo-Choo-Choose You” episode.

Lisa publicly humiliates and rejects Milhouse at a televised Krusty Krustacular Special, and while watching the recorded event later, Bart says, “Look Lisa. You can pinpoint the exact moment Milhouse’s heart rips in two.”

That moment for me last night, was when The Amazing Producers cleverly edited in, “I hope we didn’t misspell anything,” all the while repeatedly cutting back to the one directional board which read “Phillipeans” instead of “Philippines,” while they try to rearrange all of the destinations on the pole like a frantic episode of The Price is Right because it never occurs to them to check the spelling.

Yeah.

While the entire field of teams flip-flopped from how they arrived at the Pit Stop last week, we were also treated to the reintroduction of Mirna’s whistle, which has become Team Jellystone’s third teammate, effectively replacing Rebecca’s Burberry visor as my new favorite Amazing Accessory. Not only can it hail cabs, but it can also irritate the bejeezers out of neighboring teams and beckon local dogs!

While we’re talking about Yogi and Boo Boo…their “exchange of friendly team banter” while Mirna was yelling at Charla for, I don’t know, being too short and too weak and too slow and for the love of God Charla, do I have to bail you out of everything all the time, prompted this week’s Amazing Quote…spoken for the first time by someone other than a TAR team:

“I think all of the teams should also get a loaded gun with one bullet. If you feel the need during the race, you can take out your teammate.” – Capt. UberHusband

Some other quoteworthy Mirnaisms…”I’m a lawyer, so I can tell when people are lying” and…”Charla obviously wants to contribute, but I do more than any one single person has probably ever had to do on the Race to compensate for any shortcomings that we have.” Hey Mirna…if I recall, it was Charla who hauled the side of beef and it was also Charla who hauled the pole (which was roughly 8x her height) up that neverending set of steps…so, shut it, bellissima.
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Loved that line during “Stuck In The Middle With You”…because it was almost like the performance arrangers knew he wasn’t going home, but wanted to give us all some hope that he would.

Having said that…when Sundance Head is sent home because 17-year old girls around America seem to find something attractive about Sanjaya…you know I will chime in. I’m not Sundance’s biggest fan, and I’m sure Sanjaya is a perfectly nice kid but to quote, well, everyone…American Idol is a singing competition (no, really…I swear it is), and that kid just can’t sing. He wasn’t bad in the auditions but somewhere over the past few weeks, he’s ironed his hair and turned into a hula dancing Michael Jackson. I just can’t see that selling out concert venues.

When reliving Great Moments In American Idol History though, Sanjaya joins a long list of finalists (I was going to use the term “performers”, but that wasn’t entirely accurate) who made me scratch my head so hard and so often, I’m surprised I didn’t break skin.

For example…Anthony Federov, John Stevens and Kevin Covais…just to name a few.

Reminds me of that old Margaret Cho joke…about how women always travel in groups of three: “There’s the smart one, the pretty one…and then there’s the ho. Look around…which one are you?” America…we have your 12 finalists…the Great Ones, the Yellers…and then there are the Head Scratchers. I couldn’t use the “ho” reference, since Antonella Barba went home last night. Oh…snap!

And…speaking of head scratchers…why on Earth are Phil Stacey and his wacky sidekick, Knitted Cap, still around?

Kids, a prime post-Idol timeslot…and Jeff Foxworthy…how can you go wrong?

So last night, we watched Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader Anyone? and, I am truly embarrassed to be an adult. Actually, that’s probably an over-reaction. I’m embarrassed to be an adult when people like “Seth” (Seth had a 3.0 GPA at UCLA! He majored in US History, but doesn’t know when Columbus Day is!) and “Lakeisha” are put on national television as representatives of adults. Come on, no one struggles that much with remembering the Mayflower was the ship the Pilgrims came over on. I suspect a fifth grader would have done a better job constructing that last sentence, by the way.

For the record, CU and I scored a respectable 4 out of 6 questions correct (Snarkwife had a 2.7 GPA at UCSB and majored in Political Science! CU had a 2.7 GPA at Tulane and majored in Finance!)…although CU is disputing my ruling that his answer for finding the height of a triangle was incorrect. He thought the calculation format he blurted out should suffice, and that the actual answer, which was “4″, was just a given. I told him there was a chance once he plugged the variables in, he could have come up with the wrong answer.

He fought that rather obvious logic but…come on…we all know I was right. Just to throw him a bone, I offered to pause the show while he went and got a piece of paper to finish up his answer…he did not find that amusing. To be fair though…I guess…I had all sorts of problems with that question in general, because they never even said what kind of triangle it was. And, my answer was a²+b²=c²

Yeah, that’s pretty much what it’s like in the Snarkwife/CU household during TV-viewing time…it’s even better with a bottle of wine.

Of course, I’d love for Fox to air a show next month called Are You Smarter Than An Adult?, where 10-year olds try to do things like maneuver in-law relations, tackle the challenges of a workplace performance review with a maniacal, vindictive boss…work with an insurance company on your blown-off roof claim…and get out of a cell phone contract.

Maybe it’s the PMS, but last night’s Oscar telecast was the MOST. BORING. TELECAST. EVER.

I was really surprised when I found myself saying that to CU over and over and over last night…because, even if the Oscars are dull as dirt, I love the show. We have an Oscar Party every year (even if I’m by myself) where I serve snacks and we pop open a bottle of champagne. We watch the red carpet arrivals and make a big to-do of it all.

I’m usually the one who will talk about how great it was the next day, even while the critics are blasting whoever hosted and the drawn-out speeches and the lame montages (writers in moves? seriously?) So, either I was supa-dupa hormonal…or it was worse than I expected.

But, I did enjoy the Jack Black/Will Ferrell/John C. Reilly ode to the much-maligned comedy actor at Oscar time…culminating with the hilarious line, “One of these days, I’ll be going home with Helen Mirren and an Oscar”…or something to that effect.

Red carpet impressions…Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lopez & Penelope Cruz…stunning. Cameron Diaz, looked like a crinkled clump of Kleenex once you’re done blowing your nose. Gwyneth Paltrow…another gown that makes it look like she’s hunched over…and, I swear, Alec Baldwin and Al Gore were separated at birth.

And J-Hud, who I so badly don’t want to saddle with the moniker “Daughter Judy” with that futuristic Jetsons jacket she had on last night. What do you think? Will she go the way of Meryl Streep or Helen Hunt in terms of post-Oscar street cred?

If you haven’t seen Grey’s yet tonight…don’t read past the jump…

But if you have…
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Geez…don’t the people who write these stories watch the show?

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) -

Taye Diggs will star opposite Kate Walsh in ABC’s potential spinoff from hit medical drama “Grey’s Anatomy.”

The show will test the waters as a back-door pilot, an expanded two-hour episode of “Grey’s” slated to air in May. It will center on neonatal surgeon Addison Shepherd (Walsh), a character who has enjoyed a strong following from fans since she was introduced at the end of the hot surgical drama’s first season.

I’m guessing Taye Diggs will play a guy who keeps getting the crap kicked out of him, then wakes up each day to do it all over again. That premise would keep everyone entertained for, oh, say, 2 or 3 episodes. Or, maybe he’ll be a Jamaican med school grad who, having been dumped by his girlfriend after ten years, takes his optometry practice to wherever McMontgomery is to mend his heart and learn the fine art of lasik.

CU pointed out last night that I’m incredibly hard on the ladies of American Idol. I’m not sure why…but I expect considerably more out of them. Maybe I still use Kelly Clarkson as the proverbial gold standard…and if someone can’t measure up to her, then don’t bother. Now that I think about it, I think Kelly’s the only female competitor I ever wanted to win. I couldn’t stand Fantasia…Diana DeGarmo made my teeth hurt…Carrie Underwood wasn’t my style, and Katharine McPhee made me want to poke myself with thousands of needles.

Having said that, some of the ladies last night…well, rocked the house. Going in, the only one I really liked was Melinda Doolittle. For me, I have to be able to connect with the performer…they have to seem genuine and enthusiastic. Case in point: Stephanie Edwards. No doubt she’s a great singer, but …and CU’s actually the one who brought this up…she sang like someone just gave her band $600 to play at the prom. She was almost too polished…too professional. Who wants a pro to win American Idol? That’s half the appeal of the show…plucking someone out of relative obscurity and then shoving them into the public’s glaringly white-hot spotlight until they either crack in two or win a Grammy.

I also loved the performances of Jordin Sparks (who thankfully, didn’t go all pageant-queen like Paris Bennett of yesteryear) and…oh my God…Lakisha Jones. What a way to end the show with, “And I’m Telling You (I’m Not Going)”. I’d forgotten about her until they went through her audition montage, and CU and I remembered we were happy she was 27 with a 4-year old, as opposed to 19 with a 4-year old.

Remember yesterday when I was talking about AI moves that can help or hinder?

Mouth off to Simon about how even though you didn’t hit the note well, you did hit it >> hinder
Sing anything from the Celine Dion catalogue >> hinder
Sing a big song when you know you can hit it >> help

I’m now changing my predictions…and am hoping it’s Melinda Doolittle and Lakisha Jones in the final two. Although, heaven help both of them when the inevitable “Grunge Night” comes. All of the guys could go home before Spring officially begins and I really wouldn’t be too crushed.

There’s supposed to be a “big announcement” on the show tonight…and no, it isn’t that Fantasia’s going to sing.

Come on…”Careless Whisper”? Really? Urgh. Dude…what were you thinking? You know, the lack of shoes wouldn’t have been so bad had he at least bought a new shirt and pair of pants for his live TV debut.

Other guys who need to leave American Idol in the very near future…

AJ Tabaldo, if only because the whole AJ/RJ/EJ name thing went out in season one.

Sanjaya Malakar, because he’s running with a group of big dawgs who are like, on average, thirty years older than him. And his hair is just too flowy.

Chris Sligh performed about as I expected, but it was Chris Richardson who actually had the balls to take a risk and sing an Edwin McCain Gavin DeGraw song. It’s kind of like The Amazing Race…after a few seasons, competitors should be able to figure out what strategies help and which hinder.

1. Singing a song which doesn’t fall under the heading, “saccharine & safe” >> help
2. Knowing how to drive a stick-shift >> help
3. Cracking jokes about Simon, Il Divo and Teletubbies: help
4. Singing “Careless Whisper” >> hinder

I wanted to talk about this earlier…but since my paraphrasing of articles (see the West Seattle Journal, below) leaves much to be desired today, I’ll let someone else talk about the big announcement for Dancing With The Stars today and just copy and paste so if anything is spelled wrong or if I have a comma outside the quotes or something, I can’t be held responsible. Heh.

Now, while at first some of these selections might make you laugh out loud…we probably all did the same thing when we heard Drew Lachey, Joey Lawrence and Mario Lopez had been tapped for the show.

And, because I can’t help but write it…”Adopt a Minefield” is the same thing as “Marrying a Beatle.”

LAILA ALI – Ali, an undefeated world champion female boxer and youngest daughter of sports legend Muhammad Ali, takes her footwork to the ballroom dance floor on “Dancing with the Stars.” Outside the ring, Ali has graced countless international magazine covers such as Glamour and Italian Vogue, and authored the inspiring autobiography Reach! She joins MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY, who returns for his third season.

BILLY RAY CYRUS – Singer/songwriter/actor and star of Disney Channel’s hit series “Hannah Montana,” Cyrus will partner with Season Three’s finalist, KARINA SMIRNOFF, who returns for her second season. Cyrus first entered the public spotlight with his hit song “Achy Breaky Heart.” His other acting credits include the feature film “Mulholland Drive” and the starring role in the series “Doc.”

CLYDE DREXLER – Named One of the 50 Greatest Players in NBA History, “Clyde the Glide” was a member of the 1992 U.S. Olympic Dream Team. He began his career in 1983 with the Portland Trailblazers and retired in 1998 with the Houston Rockets, a team he led to the 1995 NBA Championship. ELENA GRINENKO, who returns for her second season, will be his partner.

JOEY FATONE – The musician/actor/star of Broadway was a member of one of the most popular singing groups of all time, *NSYNC, which holds the records for the most albums sold in a single day and week. He has since starred in the movies “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and “The Cooler, and in the Broadway musicals “Rent” and “Little Shop of Horrors.” Fatone joins partner KYM JOHNSON, who returns for her second season.

SHANDI FINNESSEY – During the most watched Miss USA(r) competition in six years, Shandi Finnessey was crowned Miss USA in 2004. She is the host of two game shows on the Game Show Network – “Lingo” with Chuck Woolery and “Playmania.” Newcomer BRIAN FORTUNA will be her professional dance partner.

LEEZA GIBBONS – Former host of “Entertainment Tonight, “Extra” and her self-titled daytime talk-show, “Leeza,” the TV/radio personality currently hosts the nationally syndicated radio program, “Hollywood Confidential.” Leeza is also the founder of the Leeza Gibbons Memory Foundation, a nonprofit organization offering empowerment and education to caregivers and their loved ones diagnosed with any memory disorder. She teams up with TONY DOVOLANI, who returns for his third season.

HEATHER MILLS – United Nations Goodwill Ambassador, activist for Adopt-a-Minefield and advocate for animal rights Heather Mills will be the first contestant to compete with an artificial limb. She will be partnered with JONATHAN ROBERTS, who returns for his third season.

APOLO ANTON OHNO – Two-time Olympic gold medal winner Apolo Anton Ohno sets his sights on another trophy to add to his collection, the “Dancing with the Stars” Mirror Ball. As a short-track speed skater, Ohno has a total of five Olympic medals, tying him with Eric Heiden for the most medals of any U.S. Male Winter Olympian. JULIANNE HOUGH teams with Ohno in her first appearance.

VINCENT PASTORE – Known for his standout role in “The Sopranos,” actor Vincen Pastore has also appeared in several movies, including “Revolver,” directed by Guy Ritchie, “Gotti” and “Goodfellas.” He was also the voice of Luca in the animated feature “Shark Tale.” Pastore teams with EDYTA SLIWINSKA, the only professional dancer to participate in all four seasons.

PAULINA PORIZKOVA – As the former face of Estee Lauder, Porizkova was once the highest paid supermodel in the world of fashion. She was featured on the cover of several magazines, including the “Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Issue” for two consecutive years. This Spring Porizkova releases her first work of fiction, A Model Summer. Season One champ ALEC MAZO returns for his second appearance.

IAN ZIERING – One of the stars of the hit TV series “Beverly Hills 90210,” actor Ian Ziering also played a supporting role in the movie “Domino,” and wrote, produced, directed and starred in the short film “Man vs. Monday.” He teams with two-time defending champion CHERYL BURKE, who returns for her third season.

Well if nothing else, we know they’re not killing off Addison this Thursday, since apparently…they’re spinning her off into her own show.

What do you all think WSJ stands for? I’ve got the West Seattle part…what about the J? Can’t be “jay-jay”.

Two days until the devastating conclusion to the most anticipated television event…EVER!

Do you think it’s any coincidence MereDITH sounds kinda like MereDEATH?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Tara and Wil…they were the ones who came in second in season two of The Amazing Race. CU and I were trying to remember who that annoying team was all last night, and I swore I would not look it up…I would wait until the name came to me. And it did. Fifteen seconds ago.

I’ll tell you up-front…as fun as the teams are this season, this episode…I thought…was pretty boring. Even the exciting music couldn’t really change the fact most of the episode was spent driving to the airport, and driving to Cotopaxi National Park. Plus, they all spent so much time being nice to each other, it didn’t provide for any truly quality snark.

As is de rigeur, Phil greets us from an exotic location…Miami. Our Amazing All-Star Teams jet in on power boats with fancy camera work and boat waves aplenty to punctuate what an exciting beginning this is! No, really! Phil states these eleven teams are the “best of the best”, which is Amazing Code for, “These are the only teams who (a) said they’d subject themselves to all of this insanity a second time and (b) are still on speaking terms.”

Kevin & Drew: Lifelong friends from New York…five years older, five more years out of shape. We didn’t watch The Amazing Race until season two, so I don’t know who these guys are, except they’re annoying and kind of whiny and Drew was out-run by Charla out of the gate.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh of Da Smokin’ Ass: Fresh off his Vegas Poker Slaparound tour, Rob & Amber say they have a whole new bag of tricks. They didn’t come back to lose. Mahrk his wohrds.

Uchenna & Joyce: Husband and wife, from Houston, Texas. They won season 7 and are now back with a whole new set of fertility and relationship problems they hope the race will solve. Sadly, the million bucks they won last time didn’t do it.

Dustin & Kandice: KandyDust…I really don’t have anything bad to say about them, because they really grew on me last season…and I’d be cool with them being the first girl-on-girl all-girl team to win.

Joe & Bill: Gay grandpas from season one. Hey, they said it, not me. See “Kevin & Drew” above.

Charla & Mirna: Yogi & Boo Boo. They’re back, and this time, it’s more personal than it was the first time they raced around the world.

David & Mary: I love Cletus…but I love Brandine more: “My strategy this time is going to be completely different than last time.” It’s going to have to be…”sincerely nice Kentucky bumpkin” as a strategy can only work once with this crowd.

Teri & Ian: I remember when they “almost” won season 3. I was so irritated, because no married couple who looked that much alike should win…just seemed unnatural. Fortunately, Teri’s grown out her hair so she doesn’t resemble her husband quite as much, but Ian’s still the same dork he always was…except now he’s wearing black sleeveless t-shirts and adventure hats and I’m forced to call him Iandiana Jones.

Oswald & Danny: Now, these two were a great choice for the show. Team ChaChaCha stole my heart when, while everyone else was running around and all panicked in…Tokyo? Hong Kong? I can’t remember. Anyway, they went to the Mandarin Oriental hotel, got some help from the concierge, then went shopping and had coffee. They rock.

John Vito & Jill: Formerly dating…I assume they were dating when they were on the show. Honestly, can’t really place them other than I’m sure I lumped them into the “dysfunctional romantic relationship” category.

Eric & Danielle: Dating & team traitors, taking the “If it worked for Rob & Amber, it can work for us” attitude.
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Some wank with an AOL account.

AMAZING RACE ALL STARS REALITY MINUTE REALITY TV EXPERT JONATHAN BAKER WOULD
NEVER SHAVE HIS HEAD FOR ATTENTION! JONATHAN BAKER DOES NOT NEED TO DO SUCH
A STUPID THING TO GET RECOGNITION OR MAKE A POINT SO CHECK HIM OUT HERE:

Really? This is what Jonathan Baker & The V-Chip have succumbed to, posting spam comments on blogs?

Not entirely surprising, but funny nonetheless. Maybe if I post the link, all 9 of my readers can hit his website really hard and bring down his host.

Regis Philbin thinks Britney looks great with her newly shaved head, declares it the “next big thing” with women, then asks guest Marisa Tomei if she’d consider shaving her head.

I bet Kelly Ripa’s really wishing she hadn’t come into work today.

I’ve come up with a new theory about Survivor : all of the snakes on Exile Island are involved in their own reality show, and every three days, a snake is chosen by his or her team (probably the one who can’t eat the human in one bite during the Venomity Challenge) and is sent over to the main island to suffer and look for an immunity idol amongst all the castaways.

Dylan…Dillon?

Holy crapoley, is Meredith dead? I know, lame way to start a post.

Sure, the show is called Grey’s Anatomy…but if you’ve read the blogcaps for the last couple of years, or listened to the Official iTunes Grey’s Anatomy Podcast every Friday (“I’m Shonda Rhimes…and I’m Betsy Beers…and we’re…GREY’S ANATOMY!”), it really doesn’t seem like too far-fetched of an idea.

I was talking to my mom last night when the show ended (she’s still in denial about Denny’s death, by the way) and while she went the direction of, “But the show’s all about her!” – I went the other direction. Meredith Grey has done an amazing job, if you think about it, in affecting every single person’s life on the show just by her existence. She’s Cristina’s “person”, for crying out loud.
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My, how things change over the course of a couple of years on Lost…and how they stay the same. Charlie’s still the same annoying little puppy dog of a castaway, Hurley’s still the insightfully smart one…but Desmond…all of a sudden he’s H-O-T hot.

The start of tonight’s episode was so weird for me because, well, I got over Eko’s death and Locke’s speech about a hundred years ago…somewhere between Denny Duquette suffering a stroke and finding out The O.C. was being euthanized. You forget the “first half” of the season revolved completely around Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Juliet and Ben and Other(Tertiary Character)s and then…Desmond runs into the ocean and starts swimming. Huh? Claire’s drowing in the ocean? Huh?

After the break, Desmond is gazing wistfully at a photo of him and Penelope, with the Waikiki coastline in the background. Claire is expressing her gratitude for Desmond saving her life when, right on cue, Supernanny Charlie shows up with Aaron in tow, demanding to know when Claire is going to feed her kid, because he’s turning into one of those annoying mommies whose threatened by anyone outside his little bubble…with the exception of Hurley. So, he does what any jealous wife would do…he conspires to liquor up the competition and get some answers, bloody darnit!

I’m thinking at this point if Desmond is truly psychic…wouldn’t he already know about Charlie’s little scheme? I guess not, because Desmond, Charlie and Hurley proceed to start knocking back 60-year whiskey and get drunk as college co-eds and spew nonsense about girls with one leg and hearing people yelling for help from a mile away. You know what it’s like when you’re drunk. You can’t walk in a straight line, but you can recite the alphabet backwards and hear people calling you from two counties over. The good times turn belligerent (as they always do when island distilled spirits are involved) when Charlie confronts Desmond and of course, Charlie is totally out of his league because dude, Desmond’s got demons. Big ones.
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First off, Happy Valentine’s Day…again. Always lead on a positive note.

I saw a segment on some news show a couple of days ago, which praised the asinine invention of this thing called “Anti Valentine’s Day,” where pissed-off single women try to hijack the holiday, because they’re not part of a couple and want everyone to know it, I guess. I believe they interviewed the Valentine’s Day Product Manager at American Greetings for the segment, too. How sweet of a job would that be (no pun intended), the product manager for Valentine’s Day cards? I think I may have just found my next career. Greeting card product manager. Oh yeah.

Having said that, this article was in yesterday’s Dallas Morning News. Clip it out, and be appreciative for what you do have, rather than bitter about what you don’t have. Before I got married, I had proportionately less coupled-up V-Days than single ones, so I speak of which I know. And, after watching some of the women in the segment, no wonder they’re single. They’re mean, nasty, judgmental and think love doesn’t count unless it’s romantic. You kind of wait for Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha to show up and smack some sense into them.

Oh, and I love my husband. I love him in that oogly googly schmoopy “You can ditch me for Iraq and Paris two Valentine’s Days in a row and I still adore you, because eventually you’ll come home and do things like replace the light in our master closet” sort of way. Just so we’re all clear on that.

6 ways to add more love to your life

DAYLE ALLEN SHOCKLEY

In 1967, the Beatles declared, “All you need is love.” That assertion may not be far from the truth.

“When we increase the love and intimacy in our lives, we also increase the health, joy and meaning in our lives,” says Dr. Dean Ornish, founder and director of the nonprofit Preventive Medicine Research Institute in Sausalito, Calif.

His book, Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy (Collins, $14), is a best-seller. His research has been published in the Journal of the American Medical Association and other medical journals. Dozens of other studies showcase the benefits of loving and being loved.

With Valentine’s Day upon us, what better time to add love to our lives? Here are six suggestions:
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God bless YouTube…would have recorded this myself, but CU has the “video camera” with him. Is that term passe’, “video camera”? Should I instead be saying, “digital recording device”?

How 100% completely utterly awesome were these four guys? Last night’s episode was televised proof why I like working with men rather than women. Women let the whole “friendship” and “emotion” thing get in the way of work and then there’s sniping and crying and…ergh.

I’m still gunning for ChrisJack Osborne. Love him.

Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day. How deep is your love? Heh.

Spied on the Today show this morning during a segment on the HPV vaccine…

“…will help to prevent the sexually transmitted drunken driver HPV”

I didn’t realize driving drunk could be contracted by sexual contact. Learn something new every day.

I think I’ve figured out why I’ve been so grumpy and cranky the last four months. At first, it was easy to just pooh-pooh it all and chalk it up to working out the post-deployment kinks with CU, but in retrospect, that wasn’t it at all.

The problem was…I was suffering from Dancing With The Stars withdrawal!

The third season premiere was tonight and when the show started, I got all dance-snobby saying things like, “I don’t know who she is” and “Emmitt Smith is just another Master P in the making.”

As I mentioned earlier, CU is in Seattle, so it was like Old Home Week here at casa de snark, as I called my mom about 900 times during the show, comparing this person and that person, and trying to get over ourselves and remember that it’s just the first night.

We’re so demanding. It’s like I expect “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” every performance, now.

Bruno Tonioli did not disappoint tonight, as I suspect he and Little Richard get together on Mondays for lunch and discuss what weird things they’re going to say on their respective shows. Bruno, riding high from such winners as, “You’re a weapon of mass seduction!” and “You’re the all-American peeenup girl!” asked ADD hoofster Mario Lopez if he had extra batteries in his pants. Smooth.

I performed in a competitive jazz dance group in junior high school (Second place in Reno! Against high schoolers!), so I think that entitles me to comment. Without further ado…

Joey Lawrence & His Professional Partner, Hottie Edyta Slyzsskenaesiwvbsiakia
I didn’t see much of the dancing, because my eyes were locked on his bulging biceps and her, um, fringe. Whoa. Lucky gal, at least she didn’t get stuck with an old man again.

Sara Evans & Her Professional Partner, Tony Dovolani
I have a hard time criticizing anyone the first night, especially when they’re trying to dance the fox trot. I couldn’t do it, but nevertheless, she’s no Stacy Kiebler. And for God’s sake, “Mandy”? Are you kidding me?

Tucker Carlson & His Professional Partner, Bitchy McBitchy
Jokes about this show being a tougher gig than Afghanistan aside, I felt bad for Tucker. His partner was a negative pain in the ass, who I suspect hoped he’d break an ankle last night so…you gotta give the guy props. He has a thicker skin than the rest of us put together, and has dealt with a rougher crowd than Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno. Sadly, I did think after the first two seconds they had decided to just chuck their performance and have him sit on that chair the full two minutes. I’ll miss you Tucker…would have liked to see you do a waltz.

Monique Coleman & Her Professional Partner, Harry Hamlin
I’m not familiar with the “High School Musical” hysteria, but I’m pretty sure Tom Bergeron said “fox trot” and not “melodramatic cabaret.” Eh. What do I know. Maybe it was “Baby Love” performed at half-speed that sealed the deal for me.

Emmitt Smith & His Professional Partner, Cheryl Burke
Cheryl needed a good partner to follow up her championship win with Drew Lachey last year, and despite the fact Emmitt is a former running back who by definition has to be sort of light on his feet, I suspected he’d be more of a cross between Jerry Rice and Master P. I stand corrected…hey there, sexy old man…watch you swivel your hips and smile and flirt. I’m still trying to figure out if Cheryl was sweating up a storm, or if she just had a bunch of shimmer powder on her skin…anyone? Anyone?

Willa Ford & Her Professional Partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy
I’ll do my best Bruno impression here…”Bad girl of pop? Bad girl, please stop!” Her tongue was hanging out of her mouth half the time…and even though the judges seemed to love her, I thought she was sloppy. Maybe it was the fact her mouth was open the whole dance. Blech.

Mario Lopez & His Professional Partner, The Future Mrs. Mario Lopez
These two are so going to hook up this season. I love the montages before the performances, because whenever they make the “celebrity” look like a total buffoon, they usually wind up putting out an amazing performance (exception: Tucker Carlson). Of course, Mario looked like he literally just stepped off the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack album cover, and I like a man who isn’t afraid to thrust his hips (exception: Tucker Carlson). Can’t wait to see what else these two manage to do on the floor this season.

Shanna Moakler & Her Professional Partner, Jesse DeSoto
I have to ask…is Shanna pregnant? Isn’t she getting divorced? Back to the dancing…I liked her dress and she was beautiful…maybe the fox trot just ain’t my thang. I’m more of a quick step girl.

Harry Hamlin & His Professional Partner, Ashly DelGrosso
Unlike Cheryl Burke, Ashly I’m sure had incredibly low expectations after her Master P fiasco last season. Did any of you see that? What a train wreck. Fortunately, Mr. Rinna isn’t afraid to put on his dancing shoes, and refrained from any shout outs to his people up along the Canadian waterfront. He’s not great but sheesh…again…everyone can’t win. Someone has to go home during Week 1, but it won’t be Harry. Besides, we need to see Team Harry in those tank tops at least a couple more times.

Vivica A. Fox & Her Professional Partner, Nick Kosovich
Vivica…girlfriend…I like you. Your only downfall is you made a point of saying you wanted to show women over 40 that they can be grown and sexy and…something about being hot. Boring. Work it girl, don’t be afraid, yadda yadda yadda. Please. We’ve been hearing 40 is the new 30 for five years. And, there’s that pesky fox trot again. But, they gave the urban chick an urban song to dance to, and the performance felt like one of those juke joint scenes out of The Color Purple. Again…fox trot…not for me.

Jerry Springer & His Professional Partner, Kym Johnson
Like Tucker Carlson, there’s not much Jerry can do to embarrass himself and actually be self-conscious about it. What I love about Jerry is that he’s this season’s George Hamilton, hands down. He may not sport any mad skillz on the dance floor, but what he doesn’t have in substance, he’ll more than make up for with style and fun. And, he made me smile. Guess I’m a cha-cha-cha girl, too.

YAY! The new TV season has officially begun!

I can’t believe they voted out Stephenie last night on Survivor. The remaining women are so stupid…the only reason those men would take Katie, Karen or…The Blonde Whose Name I Can Never Remember with them to the Final Four is because they know she won’t beat any of them.

Wise up. Where Snarky comes from, that’s not called “having your back,” that’s called “screwing you over when it’s most advantageous.” Not the same thing.

Then again…stranger things have happened. Look at Jenna Morasca and Amber Brkich.

And boo…no The O.C. last night! Damn you, President Bush!

I’m getting…sob…verklempt. Please…talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic…social security…should it be privatized or remain under government control? Discuss.

Previously on The Amazing Race, Joyce made me cry when shaved her head, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname “partied with the locals” (but didn’t pull up her shirt) and mercifully, The Fabulous Butch Boys hit the Mat of Judgment last and were sent home to be reunited with their skin care products.

Four teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

I’m so glad this season is almost over…I’m tired. And, I think I say this every season but the downside of these later episodes is that it takes quite a bit to stretch the activities of four teams into sixty minutes. There are less teams to keep track of, but more idle time…eh, six to one, half dozen to the other.

Uchenna & Bald ‘n Stylin’ Joyce depart first at 11:24 p.m. Clue rip…fly 4,000 miles to Istanbul (not Constantinople), Turkey and make their way to the island of Kiz Kulesi. At the top of the island’s tower, they’ll find their next clue.

So, here’s the thing. After everything Joyce went through with the Fast Forward and shaving her head and me calling her E.T., after all was said and done, she and Uchenna were only two minutes ahead of Rahb & Ambuh and PODubya & Miss South Kellylina, teams 2 and 3…who departed at 11:26 p.m.

I’m really hoping Sanju the Guide didn’t stick around the entire 12 hours waiting but, there he is, ready to take care of Rahb & Ambuh while PODubya & Miss South Kellylina tag along. I’m trying to figure out why Rahb, since he’s so good at antagonizing people, didn’t just tell Ron & Kelly to get their own taxi, their own guide and quit following them around…especially after Miss South Kellylina starts doing that put-out deep sigh thing and telling PODubya to chill out. Those two just tense me up…there’s nothing more uncomfortable than hanging around a dysfunctional couple. Really.

Despite the discomfort, Rahb & PODubya high-five and continue on to “the travel agency” because, as we all know from Amazing Races past…aw come on kids, you should know the rules by now…say it along with me…you can’t get international tickets at the airport, you have to go to a travel agent!

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname depart a mere seven minutes after the Flintstones and Rubbles. Didn’t realize they were that bunched up.

Travel agent + hotel + airport = first 25 minutes of this episode.

The fun really begins at the airport. Bahston Rahb decides that he wants to screw with Grandma & Grandpa by asking them if they were able to get on the earlier flight to Turkey, I guess never thinking they had the brain capacity to at least check to see if there was, in fact, an earlier flight. So, Grandma & Grandpa get together with Joyce and Uchenna and badda boom, badda bing…the four of them are on an earlier flight to Turkey. HA!

How much earlier, you might ask? Two hours! Hee! The mastermind has been out-masterminded by the old and bald! HA!

I must say…I have never seen a monkey crawling around an airport here in the United States.

This week’s Taxicab Confession involves PODubya and Miss South Kellylina. He’s amazed by all the places he’s seen and basically said that there are other things he wants to do before settling down, having kids and getting married. Fair enough. I say, do all those things if that’s what you feel you need to do…go Ron! Miss South Kellylina however, has I guess seen all she wants to see because she’s not going to wait around for Ron to sow his proverbial wild oats. “I’m worth more than that,” she says. Ah…nothing says love like bullying your boyfriend into hopping on the same relationship timeline you’re on.

Aww.

Anyhoo…Miss South Kellylina’s then spews the now-famous verbal diarrhea about PODubya’s “commitment” issues; specifically, that he “got out” of his military commitment by being a PODubya. That is, by far, the most ignorant thing I have heard this season. Now, the UberHusband told me that PODubya was probably given the option of staying in or getting out but honestly…what would you have done? I would have left, too. There’s a difference between being given a valid option to leave after oh, I don’t know, a life-altering experience and quitting.

Ooh…Miss South Kellylina made me mad. My little Snarkzilla claws came out and everything. She’s damn lucky her man isn’t dead.

Meanwhile, Old and Bald pick up their plane tickets and…hee hee…they’re getting in before Rahb! Allow me to cackle a little more! HA!

Unfortunately for Rahb, this is about the point when he just starts looking like an ass. Clever editing allows us to hear every single comment he makes about how they’re all WAY ahead of Old and Bald and how cahnfident dey are. Blind leading the blind…haven’t got a clue…oh Rahb…shut up now…don’t make this worse than it already is…

Old and Bald arrive in Istanbul (not Constantinople) and promptly head off to the island. Joyce and Uchenna get to the clue box first. Clue rip. Find the gnome. What teams don’t know (unless they, uh, turn the thing over) is that these are Travelocity Roaming Gnomes! Yay! Product placement! The team that gets to the pit stop with the gnome that has a picture of an airplane on it will win a “special prize” from Travelocity. Yay! Product placement!

Once they have their gnome, teams must go to another tower at Galata Kulesi for their next clue.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname arrive second, but because Grandma is Grandma, doesn’t understand that 4 clues – 1 clue = 3 clues = YOU’RE SECOND, NOT FIRST unless she’s referring to the more general “we’re here first” as opposed to “we’re last, so sew our backpacks to our bodies.”

Old and Bald get their gnomes and head to tower #2. Clue rip. Detour. Columns or Kilos? In this Detour, teams have to choose between Stupid Task and Easy Task. In Stupid Task, teams have to go decipher some sort of code in a well held up by 224 colums, then pull a box from the well and unlock the box or something to that effect.

In Easy Task, teams must travel to a town square and weigh people. Phil calls this, “A common practice on the streets of Istanbul (not Constantinople).” Huh? You mean, for giggles, people just…weigh other people? Do the fat people get offended, or is that something my Americanized socialization has taught me would be the appropriate knee-jerk reaction? But…I digress. They have to weigh 2,500 kilograms (or 5,500 lbs.) to get their next clue. Yeah! Bring on the fatties!

Grandma Girlname needs to get a sense of humor. When Grandpa asks her what they should name their gnome, she looks all pissy and says, “I don’t know…Gnome.” Goodness. Name him Phil…or Lawrence Welk…just name him something. Grandpa comes up with the moniker, “Jerome. Jerome the Gnome.” Hee.

You know, I start getting a gagging feeling when I watch Rahb shove his foot into his mouth and three inches down his throat. Heh heh…”I think we got a big enough lead right now. We don’t wanna overdo it.” Even Ambuh looks like she wants to slug Rahb.

Meanwhile, at the town square, Uchenna starts speaking to Turkish people and sounding like Apu from The Simpsons. Those countries on the other side of the world…they’re all the same basically, right? I thought that they were probably at a disadvantage because it was so early in the morning but eventually people start showing up. 2,500 kilograms. Clue rip. Maneuver yourself to Rumeli Hisari, where you will find your next clue.

And…Grandpa, Grandma and Jerome the Gnome are wandering around tower #2. She doesn’t know what the “Z” floor is and lets out a few more “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDs” before asking, “Why do we have so much trouble with things like this?” Things like what? Finding clue boxes? Yeah, you guys suck at that…that’s why you’re in the final four. They do one more loop (and Grandma does one more “OH MY GODDDDDD”) before finding the clue box and opting to weigh people.

Meanwhile, Rahb & Ambuh hop on the little commuter boat and find out…giggle…that Old and Bald were there two hours ago. BAHAHAHA! Fortunately, Ambuh knows what a gnome is, because Rahb doesn’t. They head back in as PODubya & Miss South Kellylina head out and find their gnome. I was sad that PODubya didn’t make a reference to all the gnomes he saw in Baghdad but…maybe it was irrelevant or edited out. By this point, the two of them know they are solidly in last place.

Uchenna & Joyce head to tower #3. Roadblock. Is climbing your forte? No…and not just no, but hell no. The poor soul stuck with this task has to climb a 25-ft. rope ladder, find a key at the top of the tower, repel back down the tower and then unlock a book that holds their next clue. I am just loving Uchenna…”Be right back, baby!” and then he just heads over and shows that tower who’s boss…but then he can’t find the key. Then, he finds the key and repels back down the tower. Clue rip unlock. Teams must search the interior of the fortress and find the scenic overlook…the last team to arrive may be eliminated.

Here’s how not to find the Man With Scales…walk around the town square yelling, “Scales! Scales? Scales!”

Scenic overlook. Phil. Black gloves. Joyce & Uchenna…you are team #1! Kisses & hugs. Unfortunately, their gnome does not have a plane but…they are team #1.

Grandma & Grandpa finally find the guy with the scales (”Oh, for GOD’S SAKE!”) and Grandma starts asking for grande people. Everyone speaks Spanish! Yay! Clue rip…go to repel.

Rahb & Ambuh also weigh people. Rahb gets everyone in a line but apparently isn’t in the mood to be friendly since he’s literally shoving people out of the way once he’s gotten his kilos. PODubya & Kelly choose the columns task but it’s totally irrelevant because they’re still in last place.

Smooches and prayers as Grandma heads up the rope ladder. Now, she drives me nuts but I was very happy they had such a large lead over The Other Two Teams because it gave her enough time to do her thing. And…to her credit…she did it! She made it to the top of the wall and had enough adrenaline going to get her through the rest of the task. I’m so proud of her, even though she talks to herself 96% of the time.

Jerome the Gnome, Grandma & Grandpa…you are team #2 but sadly, not the winners of the Travelocity Roaming Gnome super-prize.

Rahb does the Roadblock, blows up the wall, finds the key and is back downstairs.

This week’s Amazing Quote goes to both Miss South Kellylina and Ambuh, as they meet up and wait downstairs for their men to complete the Roadblock.

Miss South Kellylina: “Hey.”
Ambuh: “Hey.”

What’s so funny is the best scene in this week’s episode came at the end of the show. As Rahb & Ambuh are running up to the pit stop, Ron just stands at the top of the tower and watches them off in the distance.

Rahb & Ambuh… you are team #3 but you do not have the winning Travelocity Roaming Gnome which means…

Ron & Kelly…you’re the last team to arrive. Sonofagun though, it’s not an elimination leg…bet you’re wishing you’d taken my advice to sew your backpacks to your skin, eh? It’s kind of like when we bought our house…anything that was bolted to the walls (unless expressly excluded) was included in the house. Phil takes everything except the clothes they’re wearing and their passports. No cash for the next leg of the race but theoretically Miss South Kellylina should have some sort of talent so I think they’ll probably be able to make it out of Turkey, at the very least.

However…they did get the Travelocity Roaming Gnome prize which was twenty thousand dollars to be used on Travelocity and…and…they get to spend their Turkish pit stop at the Four Seasons Istanbul (not Constantinople), where they’ll “have a chance to browse online for their trip.” Yeah. That’s gonna happen.

Next week on The Amazing Race…Joyce yells and PODubya makes a disparaging remark about teaching women to drive. After all the support I gave you this week, you’re gonna dis me like that next week? For shame.

Let’s just get the American Idol commentary out of the way right now…you know it’s a bad night if I think the best performance was Anthony Federov’s.

And Scott Savol…way to phone it in by singing Luther Vandross’s “Dance With My Father.” While a lovely song, it really doesn’t even begin to punctuate your “baby’s daddy” persona and pathological need to be Eminem.

Please…for the love of humanity…I hope he goes home tonight.

**The The Amazing Race recap will be up later this morning…please save your comments on the show for that post…thanks!**

So now…the deal is whether or not the UberHusband is going to be able to see the season finales for any of these shows before he leaves. Keep your fingers crossed. My man loves his TV.

The O.C.

So…let me get this straight…Marissa & Ryan save Trey from another visit to the clink, then decide to celebrate by having sex for the first time together in the front of Sandy’s Range Rover, right in front of Trey’s apartment? In the words of Summer Roberts…eww. Fortunately, they had the good sense to go to the pool house, but I just have this strange feeling that these two still won’t hook up…too much drama at Casa De Cohen lately. I have visions of Kirsten boozily crashing her car into the pool house. Call me crazy.

Best scene of the show…when the Baywatch cast drove up to bust Harbor High’s resident coke dealer and Trey blocked said coke dealer’s escape with the truck door. BLAM! It was great…rewound it and watched it four times.

Funniest UberHusband moment: When the winery lackey welcomed the members of the press to the wine guzzling tasting, the UberHusband said he’d hoped she’d say that with finger quotes around “the press” because, come on, it’s Newport Living magazine. And it just launched two weeks ago. We hardly think that qualifies yet as “the press.”

In other news, Zach’s turning into an annoying weenie, Carter needs to shave (sounds like another Carter I used to gripe about) and Seth and Summer just need to break up. That’s what Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson wanted all along, right? For their characters not to be together? Mission accomplished. Summer’s getting annoying and it bugs me how she isn’t supporting her man but instead whines incessantly about how victimized she is by all of this. Whatever.

And…Julie crushes Caleb? Say it isn’t so.

Survivor

I think I know the names of everyone left on Koror now: Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Firemany, Showgirly, Grumpy and Stephenie.

What’s up with The Hand of Probst coming down from above and basically manhandling Janu into leaving? Not that I had a problem with it or anything…it’s just…well…Survivor is starting to be influenced a little too much by The Hand of Probst. I truly thought he was three seconds away from just taking Janu’s torch away and plopping her on Coby’s lap…ending the insanity once and for all.

Can we just fast-forward to the final three of Ian, Tom and Stephenie? Please? ‘Cause really, I could do without listening to the others. And Coby…looks better without a shirt…and I don’t really mean that in a complimentary way.

ER

I had to double-check to see if this really and truly was a new episode but wait…there’s Abby and her new boy toy so yep…guess it’s new. Now, they’re late for rounds. Whoa…sounds like a plotline from Grey’s Anatomy, yuk yuk yuk! These two are cute. Abby needs some good love in her life and a guy who isn’t Luka, Carter or Motorcycle Man.

Speaking of Luka…that thing between him and Sam needs to go the way of the dodo bird and hopefully, Summer and Seth. Zero chemistry. These two went from flirtations to cohabitation to…soccer parenting? I was hoping that Luka would step up and take over Carter’s Reign when he “leaves” at the end of the season but I have an odd feeling that honor is going to go to…

SupaFly SupaPratt. Allow me to go all Randy and say that Pratt is DA BOMB…he’s more than aiiiight, he was ON last night. {{shaking my index fingers in up-and-down motion) If you’ve read my blog for a while you know that most of the time for me, listening to Pratt is like listening to Colin or Jonathan Baker or Jonathan BakerMay from The Amazing Race…I wish he would just shut the eff up because he’s only talking to hear himself speak. I guess he took Carter’s “teach, don’t mock” lecture to heart. He’s a different guy…you can tell because both the UberHusband and I made Unnecessary Breast Exam jokes to each other when Pratt was working with the breast cancer patient…and Pratt had a straight face. Swear to God. No smirk in sight.

And Neela when she’s “in charge” of a trauma…scary. Take her normal voice and make it four times louder. Oy.

I must say, I don’t blame Wendell for unloading Carter because she “couldn’t get into his head.” Want to know what you would have found dear Wendell, had you been able to get into his head? A trillion 3-letter words that start with a K, end with an M and have an E in the middle.

What does that spell? Kem! Kem! KEM!

John…Dr. Carter…please don’t name your $150 million clinic/HIV care center/food court after your dead baby. Please don’t do that. Please. Other than asking you to dump Kem and shave, I don’t ask you for that much. Indulge me…humor me.

Anyone else out there watching Eyes? I’m loving this show…a lot. Almost enough to start recapping it…or at least commenting about it on Thursday mornings.

And…I retract my earlier declaration that Grey’s Anatomy was close to the worst show ever. After taping and watching episodes 2, 3 and 4…it has grown on me. Episode 3 was a little dull but hey, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad. Plus, Christina’s starting to walk around with cups of Starbucks.

I’m woman enough to admit I jumped the gun a little early…

Previously on The Amazing Race, the teams left Continent #3, The Fabulous Butch Boys (who for some reason, I originally wrote as “Lenny and Squiggy” this week) sucked up to Grandma & Grandpa Girlname and said…swear to God…that they wanted them in the final two and Phil gave the “HAHA! Suffer, you evil Survivors…HAHA!” look to Rahb & Ambuh as they arrived in what I thought Phil called Lockdown. Phil handed them another clue, smacked Ambuh on the ass and told her to go one more lap.

Five teams still remain…who will be eliminated…next?

Now see, the fact that the clue didn’t say “Go to the pit stop…the last team to arrive may be eliminated” but instead said, “Go to the mat and meet Phil” should have been enough for these teams to realize that it was not, in fact, a pit stop. But I suppose after how many days of no food and no rest (despite the 2,343 hour flight to India last episode) your mind is bound to play tricks on you. Like India…it pretty much looks just like Baghdad. If you squint.

PODubya’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Whoaaaaaaaaaa.” Clue rip. Make your way to the Lockdown Train Station…platform 2.

Uchenna’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Whoaaaaaaaaaa.”

Lynn & Alex’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Oh no. Oh God. Oh no.”

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname finally finish up last week’s task and read their clue. I thought Grandma said, “Make your way to Phil and the man” to which I thought, what a clever take on that classic 70s television show of a similar name, until the UberHusband corrected me and clarified they were to go to “the mat” and not “the man.”

Did you hear Bahston Rahb & Ambuh got married last weekend? Even if you don’t like them…even if you think Rahb is an opportunistic slimeball, you can’t deny that he’s a good guy when it comes to his new wife. In a race and on a show where we see some of people’s uglier sides, he treats Ambuh with respect, helps her and calls her “Sweetie.” For those of you who say I pick on everyone, I do…but I love seeing couples who love each other. Things don’t have to be ugly and mean. They really don’t.

/soapbox

Speaking of couples who love each other, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname point out that their “helpers” are actually The Fabulous Indian Butch Boys. Grandma seems embarrassed to have thought one of them was cute and then Grandpa makes a peculiarly edited comment about bringing up the rear.

Grandma Girlname’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? The same as everything else, “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD!”

Meanwhile, at the Lockdown Train Station Platform 2, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh discover that the Last Train to Snarkville doesn’t leave for eight hours. Yep…everyone catches up and The Fabulous Butch Boys praise Joyce’s choice of headgear but personally, I thought she looked like E.T.

Eventually, it’s 9 p.m. and the teams all hop on the Mystery Train which hopefully doesn’t turn into Murder on The Indian Express. A rather solemn man carrying the Official Clue walks through the cabins and wakes our teams up to give them the clue. Bahston Rahb looks like he was literally a quarter of a second from punching whatever idiot had the gall to wake him up. Strange reaction but then again, if you’re exhausted and riding a train through India, I hate to say it but you sort of anticipate something “happening” which might cause you to react in a…reactionary way. I’m just sayin’.

And…you can tell PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are the long-distance daters. Folks who are married or have been together a long time just won’t sleep in the same bunk. Period. We need our space. Love you honey, but I need room to stretch. We’ll cuddle and love when we get to the next pit stop.

Slow, sleepy clue rip. Search for your next clue at the Jodhpur train station…and you won’t get there until pretty much this time tomorrow. At least they’re in sleeper cars.

Lynn, The Most Fabulous Butch Boy, delivers this week’s Amazing Quote:

“This race has been extremely difficult for me, not having all of my basic little comforts…eye cream…skin cream. I mean, at this point I would drink my skin care if I had it. I think it’s interesting to see how long I can go without them.”

Heh. Heh. Heh. I thought to myself, what would my “basic little comforts” be if I were on The Amazing Race and honestly…skin care wasn’t at the top of my list. Potable water…yes. L’Oreal Replenishing Cream, now with Botafirm, not so much.

Meanwhile, to kill time Joyce dresses up her husband as I Dream Of Jeannie and…PODubya crushes Ambuh! That’s right…Team Survivor and Team Annoying suck up to each other and “strengthen” their fauxlliance for 24 hours until they all arrive at their final destination and scramble for the clue box.

Clue rip. Teams must now to to the Sardar Market and go up to the balcony to get their next clue. Once again…they arrive at night and you know that no one will be able to get to the next clue box until it’s sunny again. Given this, the teams decide to head over to a hotel where Rahb promptly tells Ambuh that they will not share a room with PODubya and Miss South Kellylina. Hee. Then, Rahb pulls out that Nice Guy Strategy of just being friendly and asking and scores a free guide for the next day. They even shake on it, after Rahb says, “Are you sure?” about fifteen times.

Meanwhile, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname watch the Mardi Gras festivities from their balcony (“Show us your droopy tits!” -UberHusband), which I half a second later find out is actually a wedding parade and wouldn’t you know it, The Fabulous Butch Boys get pulled into the festivities and will probably wind up as Bollywood stars when this show is over.

Daylight. 10 a.m. And they’re off! GrandmaGirlnameinfirstplaceFabulousButchBoyrunningaclosesecondand…it’s Grandma Girlname…by a nose! Clue rip. Fast Forward! You knew the Traditional Hindu Good Fortune Ritual would come back, after Brandon & Nicole wussed out and wouldn’t shave off their luscious locks of employment and sustinence. Phil’s great…”Once both teams are completely bald, they will receive the Fast Forward.” Not 99% bald…100% bald.

If you’re not feeling Fast Forwardy, we have a Detour! This week’s Good Choice involves dragging a 600 lb. teak elephant to a temple. Yeah, it’s heavy but just flash a smile and when people see television cameras they’ll be all over you to help. Bad Choice involves dyeing white sheets…only one of the sheets will reveal the next clue though, but there are a ton of sheets and…aw, screw it. Don’t do that task.

And…they listen! No one’s doing the sheety task and Joyce & Uchenna head off to the Fateful Fast Forward. For some reason, Grandma Girlname hops on top of the teak elephant, effectively turning it into a 710 lb. task now, which makes no sense as Rahb & Ambuh try to figure out if they need to toss Ambuh up as well. The answer? No, because the clue doesn’t say you have to ride in it! Grandma then proceeds to just yell “PUSH!” to everyone like an overeager delivery room nurse and declares their elephant “bad.” The elephant’s not bad Grandma, the problem is you have 7-year olds pushing the darn thing.

The Fabulous Butch Boys also initially head for the Fast Forward, which wouldn’t have been all that dramatic since they already have short hair, then decide to skip it and head back to push the elephant.

Joyce thinks she’s going to have to shave her head. Uchenna doesn’t think she’s going to have to shave her head. Hee hee.

It’s just chaos everywhere. Ambuh’s elephant tail falls off, Grandma needs “big people” to push, Rahb starts pulling people out of the crowd to push (”It’s tough organizing Indian labor!”) and while all this is going on, PODubya and Miss South Kellylina get to the temple first. Clue rip. Teams must now go to the Deora Krishi Farm, which is a location for festivals. Hmm…ferris wheels…petting zoo…funnel cakes? Eh…we’ll see.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh arrive at IndiaDisney first. Clue rip. Roadblock. In this Roadblock, teams have to race a camel cart twice around a marked track. This’ll be easy…camels are such friendly, easy-going animals. Ambuh and Miss South Kellylina do the racing, which is funny and look…more vibraty! More chaos as Grandma & Grandpa and The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive and can I just say…I can not stand listening to Grandma’s voice anymore. The pitch…the screeching…it gives me a really, really, really big headache.

I now want Joyce & Uchenna to win, because she had the girlballs to just pull that bandanna off her head and give in to the head-shaving. Uchenna…Hell, his head’s already bald so that’s no biggie but Joyce has all that long hair…I get antsy when I cut an inch off, I can’t imagine…but then again, I don’t have the skull structure to carry off a shaved head. Joyce does.

The scene that followed seriously made me cry…not because she was shaving her head but because Uchenna sat there with her and told her how beautiful she was and how beautiful she would be and how sorry he was. I mean, you could see his heart breaking. That, my friends…is love. Watch. Learn from this couple. But…look at her though, she’s stunning with a bald head! I think she looks better now…and it sort of fuels my E.T. analogy a little bit more.

Clue rip. Congrats…head to the next pit stop, Jaswant Thada…where they’ll meet up with Philo and The Man. Joyce gazes at her locks one final time before she spots a glimpse of herself in their taxi. She puts the bandanna back on around her head. Hee.

Meanwhile, Grandpa’s camel basically tells everyone to screw off and lies down. I would too if I had to listen to Grandma yelling at that high of a frequency. And again, Miss South Kellylina’s pageant training pays off as she is able to smile and sway the camel to do whatever she wants to put her and PODubya in second place.

For the love of God, Grandma…please…shut…up.

Race! Drive fast! Push! Hurry! Then, Grandma Girlname actually tells Grandpa to quit shouting. At her. The hell? They’re currently in last place but the Amazing Gods have finally seen fit to send The Fabulous Butch Boys to the wrong place, which isn’t the pit stop. Ha ha.

Uchenna continues to tell his wife she’s beautiful and wisely refrains from cue ball and Sinead O’Connor jokes. Rahb & Ambuh catch up with PODubya and Miss South Kellylina during an untimely gas station stop, which with the right music, would have been a great Benny Hill segment.

But…Uchenna and Joyce…you are team number one! Hugs! Congratulations! The ultimate sacrifice! Uchenna tries to get his wife to show Phil her newly shaved head, but she’s shy…or embarrassed…and declines. But…what the…no trip? Are you kidding me? I figured it was because they took the Fast Forward which in and of itself is a pretty sweet prize but come on…the woman shaved her head and didn’t complain. That’s at least worth a vintage Amazing Race Kodak EasyShare camera or something.

Team Survivor and Team Annoying are literally neck-in-neck as they race to the mat and although, from my camera angle Rahb was there first, Ambuh didn’t get there before PODubya and Miss South Kellylina so they wound up third. Hugs and high-fives.

Ron & Kelly…Rahb & Ambuh…you’re teams #2 and 3. And, PODubya uttered the Wisest Words Yet this season with, “It’s just the competitive nature of all of us. We’re willing to put our hands out and shake hands when we’re not racing, but when we’re racing, whoever’s on top is competition and we’re very, very, very competitive.” You’ve got two Survivor castaways, a beauty queen and an Army guy…yeah, that’s a pretty competitive group and I mean that in the least snarky of ways.

Philo and The Man point off toward the horizon for about the tenth time this segment (like you can’t see the teams running up on that barren terrain) and Grandma & Grandpa Girlname…sad music…you are team #4!

Guess what Grandma said? “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.” And with that, they are officially the oldest team to have ever made it this far on the show. Hugs.

Lenny and Squiggy…you’re the last team to arrive. Lynn says they had a terrific time, then they both wisely abort some sort of strip tease for Philo and The Man as they yap about the places they’ve been and the people they’ve seen. Lynn chokes back tears as he says, “I can’t imagine anything that would compare to the joy we’ve received from the people on this race and the people that we’ve met.”

Except…perhaps…your eye cream and skin cream.

Next week on The Amazing Race, Bahston Rahb picks on the blind and Miss South Kellylina says some really ignorant things about PODubya’s Army days. I can say that, now that I’m officially a Military Wife.

Happy happy, joy joy.

So, I was finally able to watch American Idol last night. Because the UberHusband and I have become social all of a sudden, I’ve missed AI the last two weeks and vowed that I would watch it last night.

Oh boy…70s dance hits! Now, let me get this out of the way…I thought Carrie Underwood was horrible last night. She’s one of my favorites, so it pained me to listen to her struggle through “Macarthur Park” and have to catch her breath and tentatively hit those big notes (which finished big, but still)…plus, she was wearing that 80s Power Ballad Night Hair that worked then but…anyhoo.

Then…then…she started babbling about how she didn’t know what the song was about and that it was an amazing song…except for the lyrics. Yeah. Okay. Even the UberHusband, whom I think has a bigger crush on Miss Underwood than the Simonator, wiggled a little at how young and clueless she sounded.

Everyone thought she was great, though…and I didn’t see it. Oh well, what do I know. I just vote and then people like Fantasia and Ruben win anyway.

The funny thing I’ve noticed about American Idol contestants this season…they’re like math geniuses. Let me explain. They can solve differential equations and launch space shuttles but struggle to balance their checkbook. These contestants (I can’t call them kids since two of them aren’t that much younger than me…well, yeah they are)…these kids hit these amazing notes and hold them and sound great but can’t consistently handle the simple melodies in these songs.

I call it the middle school/high school talent show syndrome…everyone thinks you’re great even if you honk and snort but, if you can squeak out that one big note, then everyone’s up on their feet, giving you the standing O. Of course, this works great when performing in front of your parents but the real world demands a little more…consistency. Or, maybe I’m the only one who demands more consistency, given the fact that Scott Savol is still there.

And, I think Anthony Federov is kind of cute. Is that wrong?

Snarky…out!

Bahston Rahb and Ambuh Of The Smokin’ Ass got married this past weekend, and will have their wedding televised on CBS Tuesday, May 24 with all of the pomp and circumstance generally reserved for cheesy television personalities.

Sigh. The UberHusband will be so crushed he’s going to miss that.

I think I still have those Foods Of The World cookbooks, if I was so motivated as to send a gift.

am gay, says andrew
but i like chocolate, too
just wait, torture bree

lynette has a heart
cranky old neighbor needs help
knock knock, are you there?

want back in this bed?
rip up the postnup, carlos
you know what to do

susan’s train wreck mom
sucks all of the oxygen
bring back morty, please

snarky theory
mike delfino is zach’s dad
it makes perfect sense

Britney Spears is pregnant.

In other Earth-shattering Hollywood news, Tony Dow, known to us as Wally Cleaver of Leave It To Beaver fame, turns 60 today.

Wow. Two weeks in a row without watching The Amazing Race as it unfolds on CBS. We went out to dinner instead with one of the UberHusband’s colleagues who is in town for a few days. Had more fun doing that than watching the telly.

Don’t tell me who went home!!!!!

**7:06 a.m. Update** We turned on the show and fast-forwarded to the end to see who went home and saw that no one went home and Ambuh looked really distressed that she wasn’t at the Pit Stop. Then, Phil made a face that looked like the faces I’ve been seeing on a lot of people lately…befuddled and confused, bordering on constipated.

I then proceeded to inadvertently delete the episode because, well, I am in the habit of deleting shows at the end when I’m “done watching them”. Problem is, I was at the end, but I was not, in fact, done watching the show.

What transpired after that reminded me of the scene in Sex and The City where Miranda accidentally deletes an episode of Jules & Mimi off her TiVo and the world comes crashing down. She was able to get her show back…I was not as lucky.

GRRR. It’s been one of those weeks. I vow to have my ass firmly planted on the couch tonight to watch Lost.

See what happens when I leave the house? I swear, the ghost of PODubya is making me pay.

We’re taking off to Chicago for the weekend this afternoon, but I couldn’t leave without sharing my bulletized list of thoughts on The O.C. and Survivor last night…

The O.C.

Survivor

From TVGuide.com…

IT WAS INEVITABLE: Speaking of bad TV-show ideas, The Amazing Race’s most famous whackjobs, Jonathan Baker and Victoria Fuller, are shooting a reality pilot for VH1. The potential series will attempt to answer the age-old question, “What happens when the cameras stop rolling and reality-show contestants go back to living their lives?” In this case, I’m fairly certain the answer is, “More backpack beatings.”

And to think, I thought I was done writing the words “Jonathan Baker” after his evil twin was tossed off the show last week.

Musings on last night’s Lost…

Previously on The Amazing Race…seven teams finally left South America and wound up in, ironically, South Africa, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh continued to make friends and influence local people on their Survivor “Please Probster, Don’t Hurt ‘Em” 2005 World Tour and we said goodbye to Jonathan BakerMay and December. No tears were shed. I didn’t even dance a jig when they were eliminated, that’s how little I cared about them.

Six teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

So, we’re at the halfway point of this season, which means that watching the opening credits is sort of like that spiritual journey the Final Four take on Survivor as they paddle down a river or run through a jungle, all the while gazing wistfully at the Torches Of Survivors Past. And, on The Amazing Race, much like Survivor, there’s always the first couple to go where you crinkle your nose and forehead and ask, “Who were they again?”

This is Botswana! Botswana is full of wild, exotic animals but sadly, is now one short due to the natural order of things and the planets realigning. The Matahari Pants, a giant salt pan reminiscent of the moon…was the pit stop for the last leg of the race.

You know, I was disappointed that the Amazing Producers and Editors ripped us off by not showing us at least sixty seconds of how this pit stop went. They’re outside…with cots. I don’t see bathrooms or food or anything like that, and I doubt our racers were licking the ground.

Anyhoo…PODubya & Miss South Kellylina depart first at 5:29 a.m., with an absolutely amazing sunrise coming up behind them. Let’s all pause for a moment and take in the majesty that is unpolluted nature.

Ah.

Clue rip. Teams must now drive to a water tower in Sankuyo Village, which is a long ways away. Couple hundred miles. Blech.

There’s a love chapter in the Bible? According to Miss South Kellylina there is, but for us mere mortals, you might know it as 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. She vows to be patient and kind and not rude this leg of the race. To compliment this nice sentiment, PODubya admits he hasn’t thought about their relationship all that much because well, there just isn’t any time. Dude…what do you do during these 12-hour pit stops? So basically, here’s how these two seem to operate: Miss South Kellylina is frustrated, but says nothing. Because she says nothing, PODubya assumes all is OK. She sits there and plots.

Alrighty…Bahston Rahb & Ambuh depart second and head off to the wahtah towah. Again…some folks think they’re annoying and that Rahb’s an arrogant ass but hey…these two are basically working on their own and making do and actually thriving. They’re having a good time and as far as I’m concerned, if they can keep the other teams from poking at their love bubble too much, they’ll be A-OK. Plus, more vibraty en route to the wahtah towah is always a good thing.

Joyce & Uchenna are still plugging along and depart third, with talk of native Nigerian fathers and putting your feet on ancestors or something to that effect. I wouldn’t mind putting my feet on Prince Charles…but I digress…

The Fabulous Butch Boys, whom I now despise, depart fourth. They claim to be good, honest players who are “just sneaky” and don’t bicker. The hell? Yes they do…they bickered that whole challenge last week trying to grind corn. I must say though, that in his hat and plaid shirt, Lynn almost looks…how do I put this…straight? No, that’s not it…normal? No…not PC enough…like a guy I knew in college? Yeah, yeah, that’s it!

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname, along with their gift bag, leave fifth and…I don’t see a scratch on Grandma anywhere, which gives some validity to Rahb’s comment last week that her “accident” was a ruse just for show. Grandma says it’s a beautiful day, and great to be alive…which I have a feeling she says every morning.

Big bucks big bucks no whammies…rip! Dull and Duller depart last. They’d love to take out Grandma & Grandpa Girlname today. Way to aim high, boys. Don’t go for Team Survivor, lower your game and try to eliminate the geriatric demographic. Whatever you do, don’t flip your car. You’re almost out of replacement cameramen.

Now, I’m recapping this show as I watch it this week and I just have to say…Miss South Kellylina, don’t bait PODubya with seemingly inocuous comments like, “Have I gotten on your nerves alot?” Why not just ask him if your ass looks big in those shorts? PODubya does correctly answer both questions with, “Naw…notabit” while Girlyfriend smirks in the backseat.

Meanwhile, Rahb comments on the sweltering 140-degree heat while honking at ostriches who are blocking his driving path. I hate it when that happens. Ostriches…Expeditions…Kias…it’s all the same. Super-sweet Fabulous Butch Boys speed past Uchenna & Joyce with a friendly honk and wave. Damned sneaky varmints. NO NO NO, DON’T HIT THE COW! Whew.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname pull up to the first water tower they spy, apparently forgetting to read past the first sentence of their clue. What have they been doing the entire drive? Catching Dr. Laura on their AM radio? They have nothing except that clue…and a long stretch of road ahead of them. I would have had that clue memorized and been able to read the whole thing to you backwards. Dull and Duller also pull up to the first water tower they see, so I guess it might have been plausible that people could be confused. Maybe. Nah.

PODubya & Miss South Kellylina arrive at the correct water tower first, with no further discussion thus far if she has been annoying him or not. She’s annoying me. Does that count? Clue rip. Detour. Good Choice this week involves balancing three items on their head and carrying said items to a cooking area 70 yards away. You can’t use your hands and I’m sure the local village women will get a couple of guffaws out of watching you drop a basket of corn on the ground, much the same way the Amazing Production Assistant did when filming the example to Phil’s “The balancing act can be tough” statement.

Bad Choice involves milking a goat to get 10 ounces of goat milk. Forget that. Phil lets us know that milking a goat isn’t as easy as it looks. I don’t think it looks easy at all. I’m thinking this task would have a difficulty rating of 4.5 which is slightly easier than getting a 5 on the AP Calculus exam.

I had no idea when I unpaused the show that PODubya and Miss South Kellylina would pick the goat milking but really, it’s a fittin’ chore. Never mind…they’re going to balance items on their head, which I doubt Mr. Iraqi Soldier has any experience with but, he does manage to give us our Amazing Quote this week:

“Stick it on yer head. Yer the ballet girl.”

But, she doesn’t balance buckets on her head to do pirouettes, Mr. Smarty Pants Iraqi Soldier. Ha. Eventually though, they go to the goats. You knew they would…but not before PODubya points out that if his girlyfriend could balance a bucket on her head, they wouldn’t have to milk goats. Yeah well…well…yeah.

Rahb & Ambuh start out with the goats…then go to the corncob carrying. I take it back, it wasn’t an Amazing Production Assistant who had the head-cam on to show us what would happen to corn if it was dropped…it was Rahb! So, they head off to milk goats, too. Maybe I was inaccurate with my Good Choice/Bad Choice decision this week. I figured the goats would go all apeshit like oxes and horses of previous Races but I guess not. They actually seem rather docile.

Meanwhile, the Dullermint Twins have hit just about every water tower on the way to the marked water tower and are nowhere to be found when The Fabulous Butch Boys, Uchenna & Joyce and Grandpa & Grandma Girlname show up at the correct water tower. Grandpa blurts out, “We’ll milk. YOU know how to milk!” to Grandma and…I certainly hope there’s a farm reference that was edited out or just not explained because otherwise, that’s just an obnoxious boob comment.

Speaking of obnoxious boob comments, I find it funny that PODubya says he just wants Miss South Kellylina to sit there and hold the goat and not help with the milking…then the camera cuts to her two milking apparatuses.

Like with all living creatures, Rahb uses his charm to win over the goat and is getting pretty far with that when The Super-Nice Fabulous Butch Boys prance past them clapping and yelling, “Baa!” en route to the poorly fated Good Choice. I assume Lynn yelled that to alert the goats that there were gay sheep in the area? Realizing that the Good Choice is poorly fated (toldja boys…but you never listen), they head off to also milk goats, but not before making a comment about Joyce and Uchenna being “born” to carry all these items.

Now…I really think that comment could have been interpreted about half a dozen ways. The way I initially interpreted it was that they meant what they said in a “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline” sort of way in that some people have better balance and centers of gravity and all that. To others though, it could be perceived as a blatantly racist remark.

You know, I love watching Rahb & Ambuh work together…they’re truly a team. You could feel the wedges between Jonathan BakerMay & December, and can feel them now between PODubya and Miss South Kellylina. One doesn’t pick up the slack when the other is faltering…and that’s always tough to watch for me. I see a balance with Rahb & Ambuh…and that makes me feel all warm and happy inside. Really, it does. I’m all for love and happy relationships.

But, PODubya and Am I Annoying You finish draining their goat first. Clue rip. Teams must drive to a random point along the Khwai River. Umm. Okay. These two continue to snit at each other the whole drive. First she says she would have liked to milk the goat, then he says she could have crawled down there and done it from the beginning, then he makes another comment about balancing the bucket. Cripes kids…you’re in first place. Can’t you be happy? Act like you like each other?

Okay…if Uchenna can make comments about being more racially advantaged when it comes to carrying water, then we all can too. Crisis averted.

Amber agreed with what I just said about her and Rahb being a team and PODubya and Am I Annoying You not being a team! Girlfriend, you and I must be psychically mind melding…I think it’s the A on your shirt. My middle name starts with an A. Can’t be a coincidence.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname are looking weathered…and The Fabulous Butch Boys experience a vehicle breakdown. Didn’t I say something previously about wanting Rahb & Ambuh to drive by them and honk? I think I did…and that would be so awesome except they’re already way in front of them. Boo. It’s not too long though, before the Amazing GPS System finds The Fabulous Butch Boys and gives them a replacement car.

You know, I can’t imagine what it’s like to drive alongside elephants and zebras. What happens if you honk? Do they trample your car? Is it like that scene in The Lion King where all of the animals go berzerko, sensing danger is imminent?

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina reach the random clue box first. Clue rip. Detour! Who’s ready for a real roadblock? In one of the more no-brainer Detour tasks in my opinion, one team member has to drive the car through the crocodile-infested river (no Ron & Kelly, them ain’t allygators), then drive down to a fork in the road, pick one of the forks and then move logs, which have been strategically placed by the Amazing Elephants, out of the road.

Rahb & Ambuh finish first, because PODubya is a dork who apparently, in his many years of Army service, never had to move gigantic tree limbs out of the way because that’s what the enlisted elephants do. Clue rip. Teams must now go to the Khwai River Lodge , Botswana’s oldest safari lodge and the pit stop for this leg of the race. The last team to check in will become dinner for the locals.

PODubya isn’t working fast enough for m’lady’s liking and she continues to yap at him…so he tells her to chill in, what to me, sounded like a desperate, albeit polite comment. She took it as a big “SCREW YOU, CROWN GIRL!” and proceeded to give him the cold shoulder. Girly, you need to lighten up on your man. I’m not his biggest fan but this isn’t the time to be pouting like a primadonna while declaring that he needs a new attitude and that he shouldn’t have told her to “Shut the f&^k up” although, I sure wouldn’t have blamed him had he said that.

But…PODubya says he doesn’t remember saying that which means (a) he didn’t say it or (b) his memory is about three seconds long. In addition, I don’t see why the Amazing Producers, had PODubya said that, wouldn’t have edited that little sound byte in. We’ve heard Colin say worse. We’ve heard Jonathan Baker say worse. But, then she has to go and call him a “piece-o’trash redneck” and…sorry…but the only people who call people piece-o’trash rednecks are fellow piece-o’trash rednecks who didn’t learn the fine art of tact in the under-4 pageant circuit.

With visions of luxury accommodations dancing in their heads, Rahb & Ambuh race to a smiling Phil and a cordial lodge greeter, who welcomes them and declares them team number one, with PODubya and Miss South Kellylina nipping at their heels! Hugs. As the winners of this leg of the race…they get to go to…Monte Carlo. Sweet! I can see Rahb 007-ing it up at the baccarat table.

PODubya & Miss South Kellylina are team number two! No hugs. There are never any hugs with these two and they seem to stand further and further apart from each other when they get to pit stops. You know you’re in trouble when talk of the Lord starts creeping into your race strategy. My teammate isn’t cutting it, so it’s time to go to Plan B.

Uchenna & Joyce are the third team to arrive…but they are not team #3. They didn’t complete the roadblock and are sent back. Damn. Turns out Uchenna didn’t pull the post out of the ground so now they have to drive all the way back. Ugh. But, they’re so far ahead that they pull the post out and make it back to the pit stop, still in third place. Yay! High fives! Hugs! Africa!

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname…are the fourth team to arrive, but instead of taking the clue that would tell them where the pit stop was, they just followed the markers so they had no clue…literally. Phil sends ‘em back, but not until he asks them how they knew where they needed to go, embarrassing Gretchedeth.

The Fabulous Butch Boys, for some reason thinking they were not only last but that this was also a non-elimination leg, put on all of their clothes en route to the pit stop. But, they’re not last…they’re team #4 and then there’s lots of giggling and Fashion Police threats made by Phil and more declarations of “baby” and “honey” by the boys.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname, along with their gift bag, are team #5! I can’t believe those two are still in the race and man, do they look tired.

Dull and Duller are in last place, so they figure that if they dress up like dorks, the Amazing Producers and Phil will make an on-the-spot judgment call and not eliminate them, thus undoing months of planning and hosing up the rest of the race. Errr…yeah. All because they’re wearing hats and boxer shorts? Sorry, all Phil will do is call the Fashion Police on the two of you as well.

Dull and Duller…you’re the last team to arrive. You’ve been eliminated…and you look really funny.

Dude. I found it funny how they said, “At least we’re going out in style.” No, you didn’t. Boxers and beanies do not equate style.

Next week on The Amazing Race, the old people are honored and the South rises again.

final words, mama
his wife is cheating on him
did you say something?

hottie contractor
now you’re thinking like a friend
edie saw him first

i will fix the tire
i promise i’ll fix the tire
didn’t fix the tire

tough love for andrew
don’t kick your mom, just not cool
do what you must do

hear no evil, lynette
that’s sign for i told you so
even deaf say bitch

to the clink, carlos
wait for your husband, don’t cheat
eight months is long time

watch all the gears shift
win the lottery, all mine?
one point six mil cash

What competition?

Jonathan BakerMay and December are just playing an April Fool’s joke on us…right?

TVG: You’ve gotten engaged since the race ended. Do you credit the show for that?

Ray: We absolutely give credit to the show, although when you watch it, you might wonder why. The thing is, you can’t judge this relationship by the competition, because there’s so much more to it. I love her heart and the way she is with my kids — she’s just a perfect person. Would I have competed better with a different person? Yeah, but that’s not what this relationship is about. And because we feel that the race is directly the reason we ended up getting engaged, the color scheme for the wedding is going to be an Amazing Race theme. We’re going to pay tribute to this great show.

Deana: We thought that maybe we’d run in with our backpacks on. But he’d probably scream at me, “C’mon, Deana!” [Laughs]

Actually, I was thinking that he’d tell her to assert herself more while reciting their vows.

Jerry Orbach…dead at age 69.

I’ll miss ya, Lenny. Thank God TNT runs Law & Order reruns every ten minutes so it’ll be like you’re still here. : :

Proof that you know someone far too well:

I got the UberHusband this for Christmas.

He got me this for Christmas.

You think you’re being all clever and original…ha! : :

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas…we’re in the home stretch now to New Year’s!

Previously on…The Amazing Race…Jonathan picked a fight with Victoria’s backpack, Adam & Rebecca turned sausage-making into a middle school gigglefest and Don & Mary Jean said goodbye to the Philiminator and a chance at a million bucks.

Seven teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

This is Berlin, Germany and my-oh-my Phil, those are some tight white pants you’re wearing. Um…they don’t leave much to the imagination, do they? I’m mystified…and can’t take my eyes of his…um…pants.

Anyhoo…in the heart of it all, the Brandenburg Gate was the fifth pit stop in a race around the world. Eat, sleep, mingle with the other teams and in the case of Jonathan & Victoria, a stern talking-to by Dr. Laura, Phil and Jerry Bruckheimer, via closed circuit TV. I don’t know. I’m speculating on that.

Freddy & Kendra depart first at 2:55 a.m. and must go to the guard shack at Checkpoint Charlie, the infamous east/west border crossing at the old Berlin Wall. Kendra wants to go back to the hotel…”for research.” Research what?

Jonathan & Victoria depart second. She doesn’t like anyone screaming at her but, “That’s just Jon.” Whatever.

Teams must make their way to Olympic Stadium, home of the 1936 Olympic games, find a signup board near the front entrance and sign up for something that I’m sure will be loads of fun and another way for Rebecca to emasculate Adam.

Gus & Hera depart fifth and I’ve got to tell you, they’re my underdog favorites and I stand corrected on how I had so little faith in them.

Lori & Bolo are the last team to depart but it’s still dark outside so hey, anything is possible.

Jonathan and Victoria harass their taxicab driver and try to make the poor guy think he’s color blind. The light is clearly red, but Victoria seems to think it’s green, further proving my point that she’s all about the bling and cash money yo yo yo. Sorry. I also noticed that for the first 15 minutes of this episode, the audio and video seemed to cut away from Jonathan right before he said anything, giving us the veiled impression that he was keeping his mouth shut. Sorry Amazing Editors, you ain’t that good.

Rebecca wins this week’s Amazing Quote award for, “Is Checkpoint Charlie code for, like, Gestapo?” I’m shaking my head with this. I don’t know how to respond. Snarky is stumped…oh wait, no she’s not. Hey Rebecca…is dating Adam code for, like, insane amounts of stupidity?

Fredda & Kendra arrive first at Olympic Stadium, sign in and have 2 1/2 hours to kill. Kendra wants to do research. Good God woman…what exactly do you want to research? You don’t even know what you have to do. Methinks “research” is code for “take a nap.” Kendra puts her foot down when “Fred” (ha!) doesn’t want to do meaningless research. It’s always the Official Name when the girl is pissed. “I’m not going to stand for this!” Whatever. Clue-check for Kendra! D’oh! Sorry, none available.

Lori & Bolo reach Checkpoint Charlie and in that late-late-late Berlin streetlight illumniation, Bolo sort of looks like Bruce Willis.

Hayden and Aaron arrive at Checkpoint Olympic Stadium second and sign in. Jonathan Baker arrives third and signs in as…Jonathan Baker. Sorry pal, it’s not quite that easy to unload Victoria as your teammate. I just can’t get over him. Victoria points out his faux pas so he hurriedly scribbles out his last name and adds Victoria’s, which I’m surprised he didn’t misspell just out of spite. Then the two retire to the cozy ambience of their cab to fight some more.

Kris & Jon sign in fourth and head over to gossip with the other teams about Checkpoint Jonathan Baker. Meanwhile, over in the Love Bug, Jonathan wants to know when Victoria is going to carry her own weight.

Olympic Stadium opens. Bungee jumping, baby! Adam wants to go home. Roadblock. Phil’s still wearing those white pants. In this Roadblock, teams must perform what is called Hot Rocket Bungee which, according to the UberHusband, “Is kind of like playing spitball with rubber bands, only you’re the spitball.”

I can’t believe I do this alone every week. I really need to incorporate the UberHusband into this recap/review thing more often.

We noticed all the women were excited about the exhileration and I am mildly embarrassed because the thought of that challenge scared the bejeezers out of me.

Kendra goes first and when she Hot Rocket Bungees, she is launched straight up into the air. Wow. She’s dizzy and sick, baby. See? See Kendra? THAT is what I’m talking about! All of you other women are all excited while I’m over here debating the pros and cons.

Clue-rip. Teams must now fly to Budapest, Hungary and choose an unmarked pitiful excuse for a motorized mode of transport, which Phil further describes as, “highly unreliable.” If the car breaks down due to no fault of the teams, a replacement car may be provided. Um…no. The Amazing Producers aren’t getting off that easily. I want to know upfront exactly what does and does not constitute “no fault of the teams” and in what specific circumstances a replacement car may not be provided. Just to let you know, this is exactly how I handled the contract negotiation for my wedding. Iron-clad, I tell you.

Once jump-starting their jalopies, teams will drive 62 miles to a castle in Eger, Hungary, where they will find their next clue. Gah. Unreliable car. 62 miles. Ever driven 62 miles in an unreliable car? I have. ‘Tis not easy.

Hayden Hot Rockets, which I just realized sounds incredibly risque. Hey Jonathan? Your wife just got yanked up into the air at high speed. No more grief about not pulling her weight…m’kay?

Papa Gus looks on as Hera successfully bungee jumps. Adam watches Rebecca and I swear, his little potato hair spuds on his head are getting longer.

At the airport, we have the airport shuffle. There are limited seats on the Malev Express flight and fortunately, Hera remembers the location of a travel agent when they first arrived in Berlin, so she and Gus go there instead of the ticket counter like everyone else, and steal the last two tickets on the Malev Express flight out from under the angry nose of Jonathan Baker. Literally. Gus is so growing on me. He says, “We can’t necessarily be the fastest team on our feet, so we’ve gotta be observant.” I fully agree…especially if it means giving the shaft to Jonathan Baker.

Now, Jonathan Baker and spouse are stuck taking the Air Berlin flight, which leaves an hour later. Everyone is disappointed but accepts this twist of fate. Not Jonathan Baker. He starts pestering the ticket agent, who apparently saw last week’s episode because she nonchalantly says, “We are fully booked” after Jonathan yammers about a race and traveling around the world and blah blah Phil’s white pants blah blah if we don’t get on that plane, we lose. Wah. Then, he asks for an upgrade. Sheesh. Then…he accuses the ticket agent of being the reason they won’t win the race. Ha. You only wish it were that simple.

Lori & Bolo are the first team to leave, but the last team to arrive as they’re flying through Munich and everyone else has a direct flight.

Oh my. The world’s tiniest cars! Kris calls them “Herbies” which is so true although if they were Herbies, they’d be Volkswagens, which are notoriously reliable. What is this strange gear-shifty thing on the dashboard? I see directions but just know this would have been a trip the UberHusband would have driven. Seriously. Actually, seeing as the maximum height between us is 5′8″, we wouldn’t have had nearly the problems Freddy had with his height, Gus with his girth or Jonathan Baker with his gigantic ego fighting for space in the driver’s seat.

Through no fault of their own, Hayden & Aaron have a dead battery and are eligible for a replacement roller skate! Adam & Rebecca are having a power struggle, as Adam insists he can handle his gear shift…insert your own joke here. Rebecca as usual, is not as confident. Jonathan Baker tries to put Victoria into the trunk but is unsuccessful so they start off on their little drive. Jonathan is “really good at cars. I know where the clutch is.” Hey, me too!

Of course, teams get onto the freeway which must have been a sight to see for the locals. Hayden’s retarded with directions! Did you all know that? Kris & Jon and Gus & Hera enjoy the scenery.

Freddy & Kendra arrive at the Random Castle first. Detour. In this Detour we have Good Choice and Don’t Even Think About Picking This Choice. In Don’t Even Think About Picking This Choice, teams must launch a watermelon 150 feet off a traditional catapault and hit a marked wooden target. Ha. Whatever. In Good Choice, teams must push a cannon up a hill to the castle’s courtyard, then carry 55 4-lb. cannon balls to the same area and set them up in a pyramid.

Freddy & Kendra pick Good Choice, but Kendra is such a freaking baby. Did no one tell her she might have to exert herself? It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t have that annoying little-girl whine as she’s demanding Freddy NOT SPEAK TO HER THAT WAY!!

Gus & Hera arrive second, went against my suggestion and picked Don’t Even Think About Picking This Choice because…Gus thought it would be more fun. More fun, perhaps…but quicker? Race, race, race!

Meanwhile, Jonathan Baker gets pulled over by the Hungarian police. Now, before anyone gets all excited and thinks this is going to be a scene out of Midnight Express or anything, calm down. He was pulled over for not having his lights on. Tell me something I don’t know, Officer. His lights have been off for a long time now. Somehow, he manages to suck up enough to get them to tell him how to get to Eger. Wha? “That was amazing. Amazing. The things I can do.” GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Adam and his Live Strong bracelet are having car problems. He’s shifting his gear thingie back and forth like it’s the damn windshield wiper lever. Easy, buddy.

Freddy & Kendra carry their 55 balls successfully. Clue-rip. Teams must now go back into Budapest (thank God they didn’t have to drive those cars back) and locate the Net Klub Internet Cafe. They will receive their next clue using a wireless Intel Centrino® laptop to log onto America Online®. You’ve got mail!® Have any of you ever seen that episode of Crank Yankers when Special Ed calls America Online® and says “I’ve got mail” about a hundred times? Well, it’s pretty funny.

Gus & Hera realize marksmanship ain’t their bag and switch tasks. Team Potato Eyes’s car breaks down through total fault of their own, but some nice gentleman stops and performs what Rebecca validated as a voodoo spell on their Demon Hellcar and they’re off again.

Jonathan & Victoria pick Good Choice and get into some bickering about gender roles (”You be the man!” “No, you be the woman!”), then Jonathan Baker spouts at Gus on the way up the hill, “We had tickets to get on that plane and you took our seats! That was my flight you snagged!” Possession…nine-tenths of the law.

Poor Kris & Jon…locals are shouting Hungarian obsceneties at them and Jon is moving his car along Fred Flintstone-style. Then Jon just gets out and pushes. What’s great is their replacement car, instead of having a number on it, has a big question mark. Congratulations Kris & Jon, you have the mystery car!

Poor Gus and Hera. They’re just sitting there at the train station, minding their own business, when Jonathan Baker sidles up, shirtless no less {shudder} and starts in on them. He reiterates the now-tired story of how he and the V-Chip would be in first place if Gus and Hera hadn’t taken their tickets. (“Yeah, and if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.” -UberHusband)

The UberHusband also pointed out to me that if he and I were ever go on The Amazing Race, I’d have to start wearing low-cut, form-fitting tank tops and/or v-neck tops because it seems as though that’s all women wear and the Amazing Cameramen are always going straight for the cleavage shots. I suppose he has a point.

Adam & Rebecca start out with I Can’t Believe You Picked This Choice then after one failed catapault, switch to Good Choice and for some asinine reason, decide to both pull the cannon up the hill rather than the smarter method of one in the front, one in the back. More Beavis & Butthead yells of “Push!” and “Pull!” and then a comment about dirty balls, then they’re on their way back to Budapest.

Meanwhile, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay at the back of the pack, Lori and Bolo are so totally in last place. And, their car’s motor is dead. Come on, you two…you’ve got big upper bodies…push the darn car! They get their replacement roller skate.

Net Klub Internet Cafe…Freddy & Kendra arrive first but discover it doesn’t open until 10 p.m. – three hours. Adam & Rebecca vocalize the two syllables I was hoping I’d never have to hear again during the run of this show…”Choo choo?” Gah. Isn’t that code for Gestapo?

Jonathan Baker et al depart the train in Budapest and Mr. Personality alienates the first cab driver whose cab he crawls into. “Gogogogogogogogogo!” He tells the guy how to drive, what to do, the guy basically tells him to relax (I assume) and then when Jonathan Baker does not, he pulls the car over and tells them to get out. “Finito.” Ha! Fantastic!

It’s pitch black outside when Lori & Bolo finally arrive at the castle. Everyone else by this point has already made it back to Budapest. They complete Good Choice but when they get to the train station, discover the next train to Budapest doesn’t leave until 7:23 the next morning. Oh no.

10 p.m. The Kitty Kat Klub Internet Kafe opens and everyone enters except for Lori & Bolo, who are outside, in the rain…waiting for the train…that lies mainly in the plain.

To be continued.

To be continued? Huh?

On the next episode of The Amazing Race…Rebecca laughs at Adam when he tries to make a move on her, Victoria cries in her bowl of goulash and Freddy gets the most airtime he’s had since the season began.

Big Orange Michael led me to this article about Husband of the Year Jonathan from this season’s The Amazing Race.

I have no doubt that there is some Amazing editing going on but…that can’t possibly explain all of it. The viewing audience has heard way too much of this loose cannon’s perpetually running mouth for the Amazing editors to slice and dice and cut and paste him into something that obnoxious.

No offense, CBS.

Is The Amazing Race so hard up for drama that they have to push the envelope further by manufacturing the hint of domestic violence? I sure hope not.

Personally, I wouldn’t mind taking a 3-piece Ikea frying pan set to Jonathan’s head, but that’s just me. I have ZERO TOLERANCE when it comes to a man treating his wife poorly.

ZERO. TOLERANCE.

Don’t blame your lip-synching snafu on acid reflux behavior on medication for organ inflammation, either. If you become so completely unraveled in a high-stress situation and have medical issues significant enough that they cause you mental distress while carrying a backpack in Berlin, why in God’s name did you go on the show?

But hey…for whatever strange reason, Victoria chooses to stay with him and seems to share a penchant for drama so I guess all the blame can’t be placed on him…if you’re in a blame-placing mood.

Reap. Sow. Rinse. Repeat.

andrew has no soul
i’m the son, mom the monster
move to canada

hidden cold hard cash
susan hangs from high ceiling
hot sex at wrong time

scheduled hit, edie
that’s not your paper? god, no
wrong girl, no refunds

stay at home mom blues
no one told her, ’twas so hard
we need to tell each other

carlos keeps vigil
forgive me father, my sins
depends what you buy

wouldn’t hurt a fly
paul takes matters in own hands
loop rug, soaks up well

No one at NBC said Thursday night’s Apprentice would be the best boardroom ever, but I sure thought it was! Does anyone care what happened to put Sandy, Jen and Andy into the Boardroom? Nah…nothing that happened in the first 45 minutes could outshine the verbal ass-kicking Dandy Andy the Master Debater had to endure under the shocked eyes of George, Carolyn and The Donald.

Andy’s a tool…and a bad liar. He sat there and just let both women beat up on him in ways he probably hasn’t experienced since graduating from Harvard. His fraternity brothers probably told him that the best way to get ahead in the business world if you’re surrounded by a group of women is to pit them all against each other. Tell Jen that Ivana wants Sandy gone…then align yourself with Jen to talk about how inept and ineffective Sandy was. The only problem? Sandy wasn’t ineffective, and she came back at ‘em, guns a’blazing. Good for her. Then…Jen spills the beans on her little pow-wow with Andy earlier in the day. Damn. Backpedalbackpedalbackpedalbackpedal.

I wanted Andy to blink or something…say something other than “I stand by my decision” and “He asked who was more creative!” Heck, I would have been satisfied had he gotten up and pushed Jen & Sandy’s chairs together so they could swing at each other a little more easily.

To give the guy a wee bit of credit though, when Andy was fired, he did show the maturity of someone who recently took a “How To Interview Like the Hahvahd Man You Are” class by thanking The Donald for The Opportunity, then taking The Elevator downstairs to The Cab.

And then there were five. The UberHusband tagged Ivana as the eventual winner and, although now we don’t think she’ll win, he’s pretty darn proud of himself for seeing that she had that certain something about her that would take her far in the show. Even if you don’t like Ivana, you’ve got to love her for not crying at the drop of a hat.

Previously on The Amazing Race…11 teams departed the Windy City on a race around the world, married folk wrestled with their inner demons (literally) and a couple of geeky guys whose names we won’t remember by Leg 6 were eliminated from the race. The Amazing Race voodoo doll was also resurrected, with this season’s lucky victim being…you guessed it…Jonathan. And…I’m rooting for Kris & Jon to go. All. The. Way.

Bwa ha ha.

10 teams remain. Who will be eliminated…next?

Funny thing I noticed during the credits…they showed our Mormon sisters in bikinis, squirting each other with a hose, which was rather ironic. I’m waffling on calling them the Mormon Bikini Team but don’t want to offend anyone. Ah, screw it. Mormon Bikini Team it is. The UberHusband also pointed out that we don’t have a “gimmick” team this season. We’ve had soccer moms, football-jersey-wearing moms, bowling moms, Yogi & Boo-Boo, committed partners and “dating Christians”. I guess technically, Lori & Bobo could be considered the gimmick team, if you’re going off of sheer appearance. Hmm.

We return to Iceland. For those of you who successfully made it through the American school system, Iceland is the country with lots of green, while Greenland is the country with lots of ice. Or is it the other way around? Anyway, Phil geographizes that Iceland is built primarily on glaciers and active volcanoes. Smack-dab in the middle of this cornucopia of climatological goodies lies the Blue Lagoon, the Pit Stop for this, the first leg in a race around the world.

As is de rigeur for the start of each new season, we’re introduced to the concept of the Pit Stop. Eat, drink, sleep with the other players…and talk about Botox (too bad I can’t take credit for that nickname) and LoudMouth behind their backs. Come on, you know they’re all doing it. The only all-”male” team we had is gone, so there isn’t even anyone to oogle Lena & Kristy.

Hayden & Aaron depart first…and must fly to Oslo, Norway then track down the Holmenkollen ski jump, where they’ll find their next clue. I love the Amazing Editors. Seriously. They make people look so dumb. Hayden and Aaron have been dating for ten months and he’s, “still learning new things about her.” Good, otherwise I’d think she was pretty damn boring. Aaron continues on to say that although Hayden is bossy, he loves that about her. Hee hee. Ah…so young. What’s that old saying? The thing you love the most about someone at the beginning of a relationship…?

More couple-y fighting and more backseat driving. I love my husband so much.

Gus & Hera depart last and Gus continues to show just how out of touch with reality he is with, “Hera and I share the same baggage that we had at the start and that’s Hera’s stubborn, I’m stubborn.” What’d you expect? It’s only been one leg of the race! And again, maybe it’s just Amazing editing but I don’t see Hera being stubborn at all. This is standard parental psychology…you think your child is being “stubborn” simply because she isn’t doing what you tell her to do. That’s not stubborn, that’s called growing up. Oops…got sidetracked.

At the airport, we don’t get any in-flight drama because everyone hops the same flight to Oslo. What’s great about this is that it completely flip-flops the order of the teams and he who was first, winds up being last. In Oslo, the teams are supposed to locate the “marked cars,” which proves to be more of a challenge for some than others. Don & Mary Jean go so far as to duck down and hide so Jonathan and Victoria, who are running around like Norwegian chickens with their heads cut off, don’t see them and find their car. That’s just brilliant.

The Mormon Bikini Team manages to procure a young, local guy to be their guide…again, brilliant.

What’s unfortunate is Maria doesn’t know how to drive a stick-shift. I told the UberHusband that if we were going to be on The Amazing Race, one of the first things I’d do is brush up on my manual transmission skills. Unfortunately, Maria can’t get the car out of the parking lot, which ticks off the other teams who did brush up on their manual transmission skills. Maria finally gets the car into gear and herky-jerky drives off. I felt really bad for Maria…she had the same look on her face I had when my dad was trying to teach me to drive our old Volkswagen Rabbit back in 1988.

Mary Jean wants to know what happened…apparently, she and Grampa Don were supposed to be smarter than the other teams. Jonathan and Victoria continue to fight…not bicker…fight. She whines, he yells and throws his arms around while still managing to drive the car.

As much as I love Kris, I have to give her the coveted Amazing Quote of the Week award for, “As a geography major in school, I know where we’re going and how to get there.” Uhhhhhhh…er…..okay. I was a political science major in school…guess I could run for President?

Lena & Kristy make it to the Fahrvernugen ski jump first. Aha…Roadblock. But this season kids, we have a twist. Jerry Bruckheimer, apparently fed up with the fact that the women were dumping all of the Roadblock challenges on their unsuspecting male partners, has implemented a rule that each team member can only do 6 of the Roadblocks. This time, they have to ride a zip line to the end of the ski jump. Sweeeeeeeeeet! How fun! Once completed, they’ll go to a traditional viking village and receive their next clue. Of course, Lena & Kristy’s manservant knows exactly where to go.

Adam & Rebecca, or Team Potato Eyes, bugs the crap out of me. Seriously. Here’s what we know about these two:

They’re “formerly dating” but continue to talk like they’re still a couple. Gah.

He’s living with his parents.

She asks him, “Are you going to wimp out on me?”

As he careens down the zip line, he constantly yells that he loves his mom.

Meredith & Maria finally make it to the Roadblock…”Who’s up for an Olympic challenge?” That’s right ladies…put your car in gear and drive all the way back to where you started. Hee. Good luck.

Everyone finishes the Roadblock, but not before Gus dumps the challenge on Hera and Don takes it away from Mary Jean. I guess those two had an agreement that she would do the no-strength-required challenges. I’d be pissed off, too.

Welcome to a traditional viking village! More marital bickering and Victoria gets her head whacked by the trunk of the car as Jonathan runs into the viking village yelling, “WE’RE NUMBER ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU’RE A WHINER AND A COMPLAINER, WE’RE NUMBER ONE!” The Mormon Bikini Team just laughs at him and continues to apply lip balm. Jonathan further shoves his foot up his ass with, “She had NO CONFIDENCE in me. This game TEACHES YOU about YOURSELF! I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF!”

The next morning, the teams are split up into two boats of 5 teams and they race across a fjord. I was surprised that Team Successful was so efficient while Team Unsuccessful, under the capable instability of Lord Jonathan, was so unsuccessful. Not. Team Successful wins. Clue-rip. Teams must now train and drive a long way to this marked bridge, where they’ll receive their next clue. Whenever I see a bridge, I think one thing – a Detour where Good Choice is jumping off the bridge. Let’s watch…

Freddy & Kendra, of The Losing Boat, lose their clue two seconds after opening it and cavalierly retrieve another out of the box. I said to the UberHusband, “Wait, they can’t do that, right?”

Adam is the world’s biggest baby. To be honest, and I’m embarrassed to admit this, but he reminds me of an ex-boyfriend of mine. If you’re reading this, you know who you are. For some stupid reason, Rebecca told him to take his glasses off in the boat. He told her to shut up, then took them off. Hee. Guess he lost his glasses because, through gritted teeth and jerky head nod towards Rebecca in the back seat, Adam barked, “If you ever tell me to take my glasses off again, I’m never going to talk to you…in my…for the rest of my life. Do you understand me, Rebecca? Thank you. Thank you very much. I have no glasses. Thank you.” Well dude…why are you still driving the car?

Then, Adam and Rebecca have The Talk, where he goes all Drama King on her, his face falls and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah HE DOESN’T WANT HER TO NOT LOVE HIM. Geez…who has the power in that relationship? She threatens to dump him (again, I thought they were “formerly dating”) and he turns into Happy Fun Boyfriend, bends over and takes it from her. I don’t get couples like that.

Where were we…oh yeah, the marked bridge. Detour. In this Detour we again, have Bad Choice and in a fun, new twist this week, Worse Choice. In Bad Choice/Accuracy, teams must successfully complete three traditional Viking games. Sadly, Jenga isn’t one of them, although that would have been fun. In Worse Choice/Endurance, teams must roller ski 1 3/4 miles downhill…successfully…to receive their next clue.

Why anyone even bothered with roller skiing, I don’t know…especially when it started raining. More male whining about “wasting time” and the Mormon Bikini Models snowplow before switching to Bad Choice. I empathized…just ask the UberHusband about my aborted attempts at learning to snowboard last February.

Once completing the Detour, teams must travel to a location I had to wait until this morning to find on the CBS website because Channel 11 was running a Severe Thunderstorm Warning across the bottom of our screen, which blocked out the name of the 1,000-year old traditional farm.

Nesheimstunet Village is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race.

I wanted to slap Mary Jean. Apparently, back in the Stone Age when she was in college she had an unfortunate incident with a bow-and-arrow and still carries that around with her. Get over it and move on already.

Kris & Jon…Team Sweethearts…you are TEAM NUMBER ONE! Take that, Jonathan! They’re number one, they’re number one! They also won an Alaskan cruise. Sweet. This show has come a long way since the days of handing out flimsy Kodak EasyShare cameras, eh?

Botox & LoudMouth are Team #2. Damn.

Gus & Hera are Team #3. Gus unenthusiastically grumbles, “That’s good.” Phil, obviously pissed that Gus doesn’t understand this is a race around a world for a million bucks, replies, “That’s real good!”

Freddy & Kendra are the sixth team to arrive, which we find out, is not the same as Team #6. Because they violated an Amazing Rule by taking the replacement clue out of the clue box earlier, they have to stand over in a corner for the duration of their 30-minute penalty and watch other teams pass them by. Neener neener. I love the countdown clock in the corner every time they cut to the Penalty Box. At the beginning, Freddy & Kendra are kind of snipping at each other and with five minutes left, she’s sitting on his lap, crying.

Unfortunately, Meredith & Maria arrive last and are eliminated from the race. I liked them, but they weren’t exactly a winning team. Now they can watch Jonathan and Victoria self-destruct like the rest of us.

Next time on…The Amazing Race…Jonathan and Victoria reach the boiling point (yawwwwwwwwwwwn) and teams get to go to Ikea!

We decided to tape The Simpsons and Arrested Development last night (still watched them before going to bed, though) so I could cry for an hour during A Very Special American Dreams.

MIA Marine and American Hero JJ Pryor has been floating around the Cambodian countryside for awhile and eventually finds friendly folk who patch up his leg and send him home. The episode was definitely a tear-jerker, watching this one once-young and innocent man return a very different person to his family.

My only problem? The trade-off for “limited commercial interruptions” is that I had to watch four Ford commercials built in to the show. First, we see a Ford commercial on one of the televisions in Papa Pryor’s shop. Then, a bus drives by with an ad for a New! Ford! on it’s side. Then…Rogue Uncle Cop points out the new Mustang on the back of a magazine.

Finally, the cherry on top of the sundae, Papa Pryor gets JJ a brand-spanking-new car for his homecoming…ta da! A Ford Mustang. A word of advice…never get a guy with a girlfriend (fiancee?) and a baby a two-door car. My mom has multiple photos of her after whacking her head trying to get me into the back of her and Dad’s Dodge Dart Swinger circa 1972.

Almost made me long for the days of having Campbell’s tomato soup shoved down my throat at every turn of the script page. It also reminded the UberHusband and I that we need to go look at non-Ford automobiles since his lease is about to come up.

Darcey reminded me about the 5-minute Ford commercial at the end of the show. I had to pause the show earlier, so I fast-tivo-forwarded through it. I did see a new Mustang, though.

sexy guest for mike
honky tonk, sister was there?
susan takes a hit

desperate housekids
money cannot buy you love
rex come home, need you

poor lynette, strung out
please, can i use your bathroom?
my, what lovely tarts

mama solis knows
the jig is up, gabrielle
watch out for the car

ten grand and she’s dead
evil drives a minivan
monday night football

p>The O.C.

I love Seth Cohen, but can someone please make him shut up? God, he’s getting on my nerves. I’m also having a tough time adjusting to Ryan Atwood as a science nerd but hey, if he can tame New Girl on the Block With a Chip On Her Shoulder, she could be this season’s Anna. Also…methinks there might be a reunion between Julie & Jimmy once Grampa Nichol heads to the slammer. Would you like another cocktail, Marissa?

Survivor

We forgot to Tivo Survivor last night, so I didn’t find out until this morning that Chad of the Swiss Army Leg had been given the boot. Dude, I’m sorry…I was pulling for you. And, I just realized I made a really bad unintentional pun.

The Apprentice

I’ve been waiting and hoping for Maria to get her immaculately-lipsticked self fired since September 24…but I had to wait until last night for my dream to become a reality. Happy Birthday to me. I was also not entirely surprised The Donald gave Wes The Boot after he just sat there and let Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Maria peck at each other without stepping in and getting things under control. Guess he’d rather watch a good catfight than make a good decision. Typical. By the way…Ivana…brilliant idea with the decision wheel.

ER

Well Kerry Weaver, not all Chiefs of Emergency Medicine can check their souls at the door and wield their powerful fury on County General like you, so lighten up on Sweetheart Susan. She’s doing the best she can, what with Doogie Howser, the chick from Bend it Like Beckham and Velma working in her ER. Add in an Attending who needs some psychological counseling to help deal with the death of his unborn child and the death of his Summer Camp in Africa relationship and a stay-at-home-dad who won’t leave you alone to bring home the bacon, and you’re probably wishing that helicopter had hit you instead of Dr. Romano. Marissa’s mixing up some fabulous Newport Beach Iced Teas. Give her a call.

Okay, so that’s not what the Mysterious French Woman was saying in the 16-year-old distress call on Lost, but it sure made for a good title!

For half a second I thought Sayid had walked into another one of Locke’s boar traps when he was strung up like a side of beef at a butcher shop but alas, that was not the case. He was subjected however, to the shock torture, involuntary sedation and rather unattractiveness (she looked like what I would imagine Howard Stern would look like if he were a chick) of the Mysterious French Woman…Danielle. Then…he volunteers to fix her music box, and actually does it! Well, color me happy and call him MacGyver! Where was this guy when my Pretty Pink Princess music box went kapooey in the first grade? Bygones.

Danielle provides a lot of words but little meaning, mostly about “them” and “the others” and “God, you’re hot…and I’ve been alone for sixteen years without male companionship.” Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but you just know she was thinking it. She doesn’t divulge much, but Sayid sure is free with the stories and explanations regarding the photo of a beautiful young woman he’s carting around.

He was indeed in the Republican Army, where his job was to play Bad Cop/Executioner Cop with traitors. That’s all good and well until a childhood friend, Nadia, is put in front of him for possible involvement in a bombing. Nadia knows that being a bad-ass isn’t in Sayid’s true nature, because she bullied him when they were little. Hee. He drags out her interrogation for a month and, when finally instructed to execute her because she isn’t giving up any information, he shoots who I assumed was his Commanding Officer, then himself so Nadia can get away.

But…no explanation as to why he was in Australia and why he got on the plane that ultimately crashed him into a deserted island. They haven’t been explaining that for people lately and it’s becoming a bit…unnerving. I want to know!

Ultimately, after going gun-to-gun, Danielle declines Sayid’s requests to come join the rest of the group for a rockin’ good time. She warns him to be very careful around his campmates. And with that, Sayid leaves to rejoin “the others.”

In other Camp Fuselage news, Hurley hits paydirt when he happens upon a set of golf clubs and creates a 2-hole, 3-par golf course with a sweeping vista of the ocean, and delivers the best oration so far in the show (IMO) to a skeptical Jack, Charlie and Michael, who think creating fun diversions is a waste of time when PEOPLE MIGHT BE DYING SOMETIME SOON!

“Rich idiots fly to tropical islands all the time to whack balls around. Dudes…our lives suck. Everyone’s nerves are stretched to the max. I mean, we’re lost on an island! Running from boars…and monsters…freakin’ polar bears!”

Michael: Polar bears?

Charlie: You didn’t hear about the polar bear?

“Look…all I’m saying is if we’re stuck here, then just surviving ain’t gonna cut it. We need some kind of relief, you know? We need some way to…you know…have fun! That’s right…fun…or lese we’re going to go crazy waiting for the next bad thing to happen.”

So, Salvation Golf & Country Club is born and we observe several new campmates trying to integrate themselves in with the Cool Kids. Call me an elitist, but I like my little clique…even Sawyer, the outcast, who now appears to be trying to fit in with the others. I don’t want to get to know the rest of the castaways. Let them go hang out with Danielle.

Next week, after 124 months of pregnancy, it looks like Claire may be giving birth to what I can only assume will be Rosemary’s Baby.

The first episode of any new season of a reality show is always a bit of a train wreck. Too many teams, too much ominous foreshadowing…and there is always the annoying, bickering couple. The Amazing Race is no exception, but all of this makes for a difficult blog. I’ll be back in true form for Episode 2. Promise.

Eleven teams. Who will be eliminated…next?

The Chicago skyline…and Phil is looking as hot as ever. Our eleven teams approach Grant Park and the Married With Children Fountain (I can’t believe I got a hit on that in Google) via motorboats on Lake Michigan. Where are they coming from? The western Michigan shore? 2 seconds before the first snark hits…a new record, I believe. We’re introduced to the teams, which I’ve already discussed, and I immediately decide I want Jonathan of Team Married Entrepreneurs, to lose. Badly. He’s not quite Colin nuts, but more than Wil nuts, if that makes sense.

I always laugh when Phil gives the teams their instructions on how to Run the Race, like they haven’t spent the last five weeks going over the nuances and details and legalities of the game in intricate detail. They all just hopped on a speed boat, landed in Chicago and…let’s go!

Everyone makes it through the initial Mad Backpack Dash and their clue directs them to O’Hare International Airport via the Blue Line (UberHusband: “I know how to get there! No…NO…don’t go that way!”) and then fly to Bjorkland. Unfortunately, the next half an hour roughly is spent showing us how inept the teams are in locating the Blue Line and it’s usually around this point in the first episode that the UberHusband and I start waxing poetically about how much better we’d be at this than the other teams if for no other reason than we don’t yell at each other. However…I’d smack him silly if he ever called me a nagging bitch in front of 20 other people; even moreso if he said it to a CBS producer. Love you, sweetie!

But I digress. At the airport, we do our usual airport shuffle, the teams are unceremoniously polite (heh heh heh) and they all get their tickets to Bjorkland. The UberHusband wonders, if we’ve bought a full-fare ticket on American, could we use his gazillion upgrades to put us in First Class? We paid for a coach ticket so technically we haven’t broken The Cardinal Amazing Rule but…hmm.

Our teams arrive in Bjorkland within about 5 minutes of each other and are directed to the Seljalandsfoss waterfall, where they’ll get their next clue.

Let’s stop for a minute to update my impressions of the teams. Gus & Hera, or Team Dysfunctional Family…what is Dad’s deal? He keeps telling his daughter to calm down, slow down, quit driving so fast. Dude. It’s a race and I am going to go nuts watching you hold her back. Hera said that she and her Dad butt heads but frankly, all I saw was a father trying to constantly railroad his adult daughter. It takes two to butt heads. FYI.

Lori & Bolo…the married wrestlers…I like their pizzazz, but prefer it on Mute. Adam & Rebecca. Hey Zippy…what are those two little things on your head? You…you I will call Team Potato Eyes. So far, my personal front-runners are Kris & Jon and Freddy & Kendra.

I don’t mean to rush through this recap, but there just wasn’t a lot to talk about…lots of team character development, not much bite. Oh wait…except for the part where Team M&M follows a team away from the waterfall thinking they’re being led to the waterfall. Oops. Big oops.

Once at Falalalalalalalala Falls, the teams are directed to the largest glacier in Europe, Vatnajokull. Raise your hand if, like me, you never really considered Iceland to be a European country. It just sort of floats out there on it’s own…how you gonna control that? Once at the glacier, we have our first non-elimination mini pitstop of sorts, which methinks was just an excuse for Phil to have an unphilievable time with the blonde hottie we’ll see later in the show. {wink} Our teams pick a tent with their shuttle departure time and…then…I don’t know what they did. Wife Wrestler kicked Husband Wrestler’s ass but other than that, people just stood around.

The next morning our teams depart for Glacier Ice Beach (brrr!) and encounter their first Detour which, in classic TAR form, consists once again of “Good Choice” and “Bad Choice.” In Good Choice, teams must scale a wall of ice. In Bad Choice, teams must leisurely boat around a seven-square-mile glacial lagoon looking for a buoy with their next clue attached or, “Find a needle in a floating haystack.” Naturally, Avi and Joe, of Team Prof. John Frink take the logical, science teacher route and pick Bad Choice, presumably so they can analyze it to death and talk some more about how Brooklyn is better than Queens or whatever it was they were talking about. Gaaaah. The folks who picked Good Choice are glad they did, because it wasn’t so bad. With the exception of “I’M KING OF THE WORLD!” Jonathan and his unfortunate wife/teammate, the teams who chose “Bad Choice” I would imagine, came to regret their choice.

Next, teams must travel 200 miles to the Blue Lagoon, the pit stop for this leg of the race. While en route, we witnessed the obligatory “We’re in Europe so whatever you do, don’t put diesel into the car” mishap with Team Potato Eyes. That’s always so fun.

Phil is waiting for the first team, on the Mat of Fame with aforementioned pseudo-Scandinavian hottie. Hayden & Aaron (wait…who?)…you’re Team #1! Congrats! As the winners of the first leg of the race, you win a trip to Hawaii! But…you can’t go until after you’re done with this…mwa ha ha ha ha!

Sadly, Jonathan and Victoria didn’t come in last, nor did Gus & Hera, whom I predicted would be the first to go. Lifelong Buddies from Competing Buroughs Avi & Joe were the last team to arrive and eliminated from the race.

I wasn’t upset, because Joe really creeped me out. Next week on…The Amazing Race…couples yell at each other.

Off I go to create this season’s voodoo doll of Jonathan. Need to find an itty bitty piece of yellow spandex.

The third most-underappreciated show on television.

Previously on The Amazing Race 5, Chip & Kim won, Colin & Christie got engaged and Team Gee, My Hair Looks Terrific! finished in a respectable third-place, with their lovely locks intact.

Tonight…finally…after reschedule on top of reschedule on top of guesstimated reschedule, The Amazing Race 6 is scheduled to kick off it’s new season with a 2-hour Philspectacular.

Desperate Housewives wasn’t on last night, so I give you…Arrested Develophaikus.

lindsay, tobias
open marriage, homeless
diamond lotion

all that he can be
in the line of fire, buster
who is your daddy?

oh no, george michael

scary girlfriend, scowl and snarl
no arizona

gob michael battle
new model home, rock scissors
business model

Outwit, Outblog, Outsnark has just recently finished researching a new and highly effective once-a-week birth control method and awards it the OWOBOS Seal of Approval.

No pills, no patches…but you do have to take it every Wednesday night at 9 p.m. Eastern & Pacific/8 p.m. Central. Earplugs optional.

This week it was Sawyer’s “turn” on Lost. Now I don’t know about you, but when I travel for business I tend to leave the $140,000 in cash at home rather than in my briefcase, but that’s because I’m not in Sawyer’s line of business. He’s a con man.

Big surprise.

Sawyer’s con is that he likes to rip off unsuspecting married couples. He wines and dines the women, shows them a “few new tricks between the sheets” and then by some grace of God, they’re so infatuated they convince their husbands into handing Sawyership Down all of their money for some “big oil deal”. His last gig though, he discovers, involves a child so he quickly backs out of the deal, much to the dismay of the husband who probably promised his wife he’d do the dishes for the next ten years if she’d PLEASE go through with the get-rich-quick scheme so he could get his new Hummer.

Ah…but here’s the rub. Sawyer has a letter from a child, basically blaming him for the death of his parents. Dad was so upset that Mom had lost his money to this smarmy con artist and so distraught over basically the collapse of their life, that he killed Mom, then killed himself. Sawyer shows this letter to Kate and all of a sudden we get what the deal is…he’s on the island to pay some sort of restitution for all the hell and chaos he caused on the Mainland. Not…quite.

Kate notices the postmark is from 1976…and the letter isn’t to Sawyer, it’s from him. Sawyer’s not even his real name. His parents were the ones to die the grisly deaths and wouldn’t you know it…the disruptive con from his youth was named…drumroll please…Sawyer. So, Sawyer turned into the monster from his youth. Eh. That’s the best J.J. Abrams could do? Boo.

This story didn’t really tell me much…although I’m always open to other perspectives. He’s a jerk, but now he’s a jerk with a painful past. This week’s Jerk Move Du Jour was leading all of Camp Fuselage to believe that he had Shannon’s asthma inhaler and then manipulating (or trying to) various folks to get what he wants in exchange for what they want. Same gig, different locale. Unfortunately for Sawyer, it got him a few reeds up his fingernails. The best quote came from Sayid, after Jack questioned his military skills as a training officer and their usefulness with Sawyer, “Part of my training was getting the enemy to communicate.” Hee.

After, um, “getting Sawyer to communicate,” Sawyer cries for mercy and says he’ll tell them where the inhaler is if he can get a kiss from Kate. Kiss Me Kate. I just realized how funny that sounds. Anyway, dude, you’re still hung up on that? Let. It. Go. But, Kate’s all for taking one for the team if it means she can help so she gives Sawyer not one, not two, not three but FOUR kisses…with tongue involved! What’s that you say, Sawyer? You don’t have the asthma inhaler after all? Neener neener. Grrrr. Grrrr.

Not to panic, though…yes, Shannon did have an asthma attack and it was full of all the drama and panic you’d expect from The Blonde One. The UberHusband commented, “It’s just time to kill and eat her.” SuperJack helped Shannon through her attack by telling her to calm down, and Sun also helped by concocting a eucalyptus homeopathic remedy. Good going there, girlfriend…despite your suspicious husband who always thinks you’re doing something wrong.

In other Camp Fuselage news, Claire finally reappeared with a raging peanut butter craving! Charlie, I guess past the tough part of his rehab, tries to hunt some down and goes straight for Hurley. Charlie makes an awkward comment to him about hiding food (”I mean, look at you!”) and then thinks better since Hurley could squash Charlie in two seconds. Shut up there, lil’ buddy. With no peanut butter, Charlie finds an empty jar and tries to convince Claire that it’s full of yummy creamy peanut butter. It really was a cute scene…and made me want peanut butter.

After going medieval on Sawyer’s ass, Sayid decided he was becoming what he said he’d never be again, so he decided he needed some “me time” and took off to map out the island. See ya pal, was nice knowing you. {wink}

When the show was over, I was looking for my asthma inhaler and couldn’t find it. I started to panic, which made it worse. I calmed down, relaxed and…the attack subsided. Thanks, Dr. Jack!

So the UberHusband and I taped Scrubs last night and watched both episodes of The Rebel Billionaire: Sir Richard Branson is a Freaky, High-Flying Daredevil.

My my my…that show was intense! And I don’t mean intense in a “Gee, should the Bachelor and I go to the fantasy suite or not?” intense but rather a, “Gee, I hope they don’t die” intense.

“Critics” have called this show The Amazing Race meets The Apprentice. That’s fair…but the show (to me, anyway) also incorporated the non-gross elements of Fear Factor and the I’m-watching-you-but-you-don’t-know-it nuances of The Benefactor. There was also tea-drinking, but I couldn’t tie that to a reality show.

Is anyone else planning to watch and/or Tivo The Rebel Billionaire tonight on Fox? I’ll admit, I’m intrigued. I’ve always thought Richard Branson was kind of a kick and the whole The Apprentice meets The Amazing Race idea could be fun, now that I’ve finally come to the realization that he has nothing to do with the entertainment junket in Missouri.

But…is the take-huge-risks-so-you-can-win-a-job/final-rose/million-bucks world of reality television already oversaturated? Any time you have a mogul with a healthy ego appear on television, results can be mixed. Take Mark Cuban. Obnoxious man in real life, obnoxious putz on television. Donald Trump…egomaniacal real estate weenie off-camera…egomaniacal real estate weenie on-camera, but with witty one-liners and cute sidekicks to lighten the mood.

I’m anxious to see what Richard Branson can do for me…I’m even more anxious to watch him walk the fine line between “risky” and “unequivocably stupid.”

Game on!

sunglasses, hatchback
what did you do, zachary?
car’s plate, eagle state

sinewy friction
burrito interruptus
rex not climbing walls!

the housekeeper stays
mama solis plays the cards
lawn boy is the one

alpha mom school wars

medieval on the wolf’s ass
just say no to drugs

neighborhood yard sale
paul’s box labeled “baby stuff”
ask questions, fat lip

I have been waiting…literally…for months for The O.C. to pick back up and now…here it is…sadder than I expected it to be, but still tied into a nice, neat bow just in time for classes to start at The Harbor School.

Initial observations of the show/season thus far:

1. I lived in Portland for a year. It’s not as hot and sexy as they would lead you to believe…and girls don’t prance around in bikinis in September. Yeah, I was in the first grade when I was there…what’s your point? {wink}
2. Raise your hand if your parents would have simply knocked you over the head, put you in the trunk of a car and dragged your moody butt back home if you “ran away” for three months?
3. Good to see Ryan is helping to build that new P.F. Chang’s in Chino.
4. Construction workers never, ever look like Chippendales dancers where I live…and apparently, they don’t over at the new P.F. Chang’s construction site in Chino, either. I also didn’t realize the Teamsters president was the Cohen’s remodeling foreman. “Six more weeks, Mistah Cohen!”
5. Marissa still has a drinking problem.
6. Hailey obviously hasn’t told Jimmy yet that she’s getting her ass kicked and tossed into an indoor fountain over on North Shore.
7. Mysterious Little Sister Caitlin is going off to boarding school, but MILF Julie wants to get her a new, hairier pony? Wha?
8. I hope someone at some point explains the big blowout Summer and Seth had over the Fourth of July because, well, I wasn’t there.
9. How can Seth and Ryan go from being the World’s Oldest, Most Adult High Schoolers to being dorky teenage guys again in what, half a second? Oh that’s right…Ryan got off the daddy track…anyone else notice how fast he was back in Newport after Theresa’s faux miscarriage?

I find it interesting that the post 8 a.m. Lost recaps over at TV Guide Online always seem to sound like mine…but I guess Doc Abrams’ obvious symbolism knocks other people over, as well. {wink}

I’m not sure if I’m still rummy from all the hoopla of the past few days or if last night’s episode of Lost wasn’t it’s usual all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips, but I’m rather…uninspired by it.

No eye-opening intro. Damn. We already knew Charlie was a crackhead in a rock band, so should I have been surprised that he had a brother and partner in crack named Liam? How did Charlie wind up on Oceanic? He appeared on Liam’s front doorstep, some time after the preceding flashback of Charlie’s descent into chaos and now…whaaaaaaa?…Liam’s a straight-laced family man? I didn’t recognize him without a skanky roadie attached to his crotch and a bottle of Jack in his hand. Whatever. Charlie says they’re getting the band back together and Liam needs to join him on their fifteenth comeback tour because, if he doesn’t, the tour’s off and Charlie will have to go back to Middle Earth.

Liam declines, saying he left the band and then, in a terribly condescending “I’m your big brother and I care” tone, asks if Liam’s still “using”. Charlie gets defensive (To quote Dr. Phil, “It’s the drugs talking.”), dismisses Liam’s pleas that he stick around in Sydney to enroll in one of their world-class drug rehab clinics, then hops his flight to LA (via Singapore, as we learned last week) and crashes into an island. How’s that workin’ for ya?