Well. I’d like to say it was a big surprise that it was Carly Smithson who went home last night on American Idol, but isn’t that sort of how it goes with this show now?

It happens every season. Ryan stands there with the Bottom Two and you’re thinking, “Well Syesha, you’ll do well on Broadway” and then…wha? Huh? Did Seacrest just say Carly Smithson’s going home?

All I can say is, kudos to the AI producers for finally getting its head out of its collective ass and having the bottom two perform before someone was sent home. I’ve always thought it was exceptionally cruel to have the singer going home sing the song that made them lose. Again.

Hey! Grey’s Anatomy returns tonight! Does anyone care?

“Never stop and then start again”…says the woman whose career has stopped and restarted about half a dozen times in the last twenty years. Anyhoo.

So here’s a conversation between CU and I last night, kicking off Lord Andrew Night on American Idol.

CU: David Archuletta should so sing “Love Changes Everything” from Aspects of Love.
Snarkwife: {blank stare, then pause} You do realize how incredibly gay that just sounded.

But then…Mr. High School Musical Theater couldn’t place Syesha’s “Dreamgirls Sans Roller Skates” rendition of “One Rock ‘n’ Roll Too Many.” HA! Listen to me. What do I know. My musical theater knowledge revolves around the motion picture soundtrack for Chicago (wait, we saw the actual musical too…with Lisa Rinna), watching Legally Blonde on MTV and the 800 times I’ve seen Phantom of the Opera.

Which by the way…how uber-creepy was it when Lord Andrew basically demanded that David Cook fantasize about fantasizing about a 17-year old in the chorus line? “Well, since I’m 25…” was about all I caught of Lord David’s stammering before they cut away. Poor guy. At least he didn’t pick the Dying Diva Cat song…that really would have gotten Lord Andrew’s britches in a bunch.

(more…)

Previous seasons of American Idol have taught me to go into “big name theme nights” with a healthy does of skepticism because generally, our contestants mangle, maim and generally ruin classic songs sung and/or written by classic performers and/or songwriters.

So that, combined with the “No pressure, kids” vibe which comes standard with the Lennon/McCartney songbook made me more than a bit jittery last night. Jittery as in, “I’m going to hold my hands over my ears and remove them at 2-second intervals in case everyone sucks.” I was afraid my worst fears would be realized when Syesha came out and sang a classic Earth, Wind and Fire song. Hey! I thought they were supposed to sing Lennon/McCartney songs…? Heh.

Then…oh my God…Chikezie? Where did he come from? I was really afraid we were going to have to endure some meta-Ruben Studdard offering or at the very least, a Luther Vandross-y rendition of “Yesterday.” Wow. My jaw dropped when he had the foresight and originality to change up the beginning of “She’s a Woman” but then he actually changed up the middle and the end, too! He danced! He entertained! He was so good I made CU watch his performance when he got home from the airport! I hope he can keep it up, because if this is the new Chikezie…count me in as a fan.

Other greats last night - Carly “I sing this song every weekend with the band” Smithson, David “Don’t call me Daughtry” Cook, and…yes…Brooke White. I love her, bare feet and all. What was up with the warning tones Randy and Simon were tossing Ryan’s direction with the shoes? Was that some sort of stupid insinuation that Ryan likes women’s shoes? Again, their inside-joke shtick is bugging the crap out of me. However, I suppose I would rather hear that than Paula’s unoriginal paraphrasing of Randy’s comments coming out of her mouth as her own, generally prefaced by “You look great tonight” for posterity. Ugh.

Pizza Bistro Boy. Yeah, I don’t even remember his name. David? Danny? He goes to school, has annoying college pictures taken of him and his dork friends, and recently lost his job at “Pizza Bistro.” Mmm hmm. And the song…ugh. I told CU that it would be tough for anyone to sing “I Saw Her Standing There” to which he replied, “David Cook could.” Touché.

Oh…I almost forgot about Kristy Lee Cook. Someone took Simon’s praise last week and ran, ran, ran with it! Her rendition of “Eight Days a Week - Country Style, with Biskits ‘n Eggs!” wouldn’t have been so bad had she not been so flat and boring. I’ll completely skip over David Archuleta’s performance because I love him…and you can’t fault the kid for not being hep to songs from the 60s. He’s seventeen. Then again, forgetting the words is a pretty unforgivable sin.

Like that? I came up with it last night when I was watching American Idol and telling Capt. UberHusband I thought Faith Hill would be a great choice to cover Journey’s “Faithfully” as a country song.

Speaking of American Idol…how completely annoying were Randy, Paula and Simon last night? I’m all for the frolicky banter between the three of them, but when the camera cuts to Paula almost looking like she’s passing out on Simon’s shoulder…and the three of them bicker…God, it was so annoying. I felt really bad for the ladies last night.

Loved, loved, loved Brooke White’s rendition of “Love is a Battlefield” and, after the whole “Faith-Hilly” thing I was sort of on a roll…recommending Rascal Flatts update the Pat Benatar classic. Who else did I have opinions about…Carly Smithson. Love her accent, loved the song…wasn’t nuts about her rendition. I kind of feel like the AI folks are shoving her down my throat. Same with Syesha Mercado (Capt. UberHusband last night: “She does know she’s singing about being the other woman, right?”) - I’m not nuts about her. Eh.

So for snits and giggles last night, we decided to stick around on Fox and watch The Moment of Truth, especially after the world (apparently) came to an end last week. What a let-down. The questions were so incredibly stupid. Maybe it’s because I’m not $500k in debt and don’t need to go on the show, but come on. CU and I were making up our own questions for the show:

“I think reality shows are incredibly stupid, and extremely exploitative.” That answer is…true.

Of course, I have to get all technical…with the question, “Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone you work with?” I follow up with…”Well, before or after my husband and I met?”

In household news, the new kitchen floor is in and the tile surrounding our fireplace is being hacked out. I was talking to one of my co-workers yesterday and telling her that I never wish for bad things to happen, but if we have to have a water leak in the slab of our house…at least let us get a new kitchen floor out of it. Now that we’re taking a look at everything though, we’ve realized our cabinets look way better…but our appliances have got to go.

Oh, it’s also starting to snow here. Second time this week.

While I have you all here…if any of ya’ll are interested in taking a survey my fine Applied Research Methods class has crafted (it’s lousy…IMO…I’ll tell you that upfront), I would appreciate if you could fill it out on my behalf. Apparently we get bonus points if we can recruit the most people. If you’ve made it this far in my post, you have to like me a little…right?

So…here’s the link. When asked at the end who sent you to the survey, I’m S. Lynch. None of your personal info is captured, and if you shoot me an email at snarkwifedotcomATgmail.com to let me know you filled it out…I’ll let you know when the results are finalized and pass them along.

Okay, that is all. Back to work.

Reason #554 why I adore Capt. UberHusband:

You know what they need? A Celebrity Deathmatch with Danny Noriega and Christian from Project Runway.

80’s Nite is just horrible on American Idol…Wham, Lionel Richie…what? No Culture Club? I’d pay a hundred bucks to see Jason Castro sing “Miss Me Blind.”

Update: Okay, it’s not that bad…I’m now loving David Cook’s post-Lionel Richie “Hello” enough to download it from iTunes. But seriously…Whamboy and Sanjaya need to go.

Exclusive: Lost Boss Reveals Revised Season 4 Plan - Ausiello Report | TVGuide.com

YAY! More Lost is on the way! That’s not on tonight, is it? No…today’s Wednesday…right? I swear, this semester is killing me. I have no idea what day it is, and its made worse by the fact that I don’t have any TV shows to use as my compass: “Has Grey’s Anatomy been on yet this week? Okay, then it’s not Thursday yet.”

American Idol was on last night, and that’s how I knew it was Tuesday. Or wait…was it Wednesday? We made a decisive decision (like that?) to skip all of the audition shows and go straight to Hollywooooooooood (yo, dawg) and boy, am I glad we did. I am pleased that musical styles such as those showcased with guys such as AJ, EJ, and RJ have gone the way of the dodo bird, only to be replaced by young James Blunt-types who play keyboards and a conspicuous absence of African American Women With Big Voices. I’m so over that…seriously. I think this season is shaping up to be pretty good although…come on…don’t sing “Light My Fire” and then crap out on the big finale.

Oh…if you’re wondering what I thought about last night’s American Idol, all you have to do is read my post from last season’s premiere and replace “Minniesohta” with “Philliedelphia” and “Navy intelligence analyst” with “Freak in a mankini top who got his chest waxed on national TV.”

We flipped channels about halfway in, although we’ll watch tonight so we can make fun of everyone in Dallas. We like doing that.

Really, Melinda? Ten katrillion weeks into the competition and you can’t remember Randy Jackson’s name?

Even with that completely inexcusable gaffe, your American Idol final two will be…Melinda and Blake. I know, all you Blake-haters (Justin Timberfake, I believe?) think I’m nuts, but I just don’t see Jordin & Melinda in the final two.

If you want to look at the song choices for last evening as clues to who will stay and who will go…Melinda “believes in miracles,” Jordin’s back to standing outside restaurant windows looking sad and pathetic…and Blake doesn’t care if it’s wrong or if it’s right. Simon was in a good mood, Paula was disturbingly bleary-eyed the whole show (they didn’t even bother to put eye makeup on her)…and Randy would like Blake to become part of Maroon 6.

And for those of you still watching Dancing With the Stars…Ian and Cheryl went home last night. I almost expected Cheryl to knock Ian to the ground and kick the crap out of him for dashing her hopes of a DWTS hat trick. In defense of Ian though, Cheryl’s choreography was really tame and dull next to the more exciting offerings of Julianne Hough…and she doesn’t have that cute Australian accent like Kym Johnson.

On tap for tonight…the ultimate immunity challenge on Lost, and…Melinda goes home. Hey, I was right last week with LaKisha. Then again, I also picked Chris Sligh to go all the way.

PS - I got a perfect score on my first unit essay for Org Behavior…I rock! Game on, Marge!

I think I’ve figured out why Blake Lewis has dropped off in appeal for me…it’s his hair. I loved his blonde hair, and now he looks just like all the other brunettes on the stage…well, you know what I mean. Didn’t he realize the folks on The Soup were kidding when they were hawking the House of Sanjaya as the answer to all that ails your hair?

You have to kind of know going in though, that with Blake, LaKisha, Melinda and Jordin…Barry Gibb Night is going to be a bit of a challenge. Barry Gibb Night was a bit of a challenge for me, as the first thing I said when BG started speaking was, “When did Barry Gibb turn into Sean Connery?” I was hoping he’d say something like, “That’s what yer mother said, Trebek!”

At least Jordin didn’t say, “Omigod! My grandma loves you!”

On the upside, for the first time in my 35 years, I was actually able to understand the lyrics to all the songs, except for “Woman In Love.” I already knew all the words to that song (which embarrasingly, I was able to demonstrate to CU last evening) as my mother enjoyed playing the Guilty album every single Saturday morning while she cleaned the house. I’ve always suspected that was her way of getting me up and out of bed, because really, what 15-year old can actually sleep with that racket playing in the living room?

I didn’t have that same experience of immediate lyric recognition during Blake’s second performance of “Unknown B Side.” As much as I hate to say it, I think Blake’s on his way out.

Or…maybe it will be LaKisha. Phil Stacey went out in a “Blaze of Glory” last week…oh the irony if “Staying Alive” seals the same fate for LaKisha. Maybe Melinda had the right idea when she told BG she wanted to avoid singing about losers.

I swear, the world is such a funny place. Last night, as storms were barrelling through the area, Dan Henry on Fox 4 News fielded a viewer question wondering if the storm coverage was going to pre-empt American Idol. It reminded me of last week, when the same person, I’m sure, called WFAA to ask them if they were going to show the results for Dancing With The Stars.

I’ve been here in Dallas for nine years now, and last night’s storms were without a doubt, the worst I’ve ever experienced here. Considering our house has about 40 windows, the rattling from the wind was really weird…so much so we wound up in the Tornado Room…the guest bathroom…for about 45 minutes.

Now that it’s light, I can go out and assess our roof and the stability of our fence. I swear, one of these days we’ll luck out and the fence will topple. Hey, I’d rather pay the deductible and have insurance pick up the remaining cost of a new fence (which we really need) than foot the cost of a new one all on our own. The trees are still standing, although a disturbing amount of leaves were lost around our neighborhood.

I talked to one of my co-workers this morning, and they lost a big branch off his pear tree, and a neighbor of his lost an entire tree. I think our “significant” damage is limited to our rose bushes getting beaten up pretty well. They’re hardy though…they’ll bounce back.

Unfortunately, CU is out of town and missed all the fun. He missed watching Cookie do laps around the living room for fifteen minutes before the brunt of the storm hit…which was really creepy.

Oh…and Fox 4 did kick over to American Idol at 8. I can’t believe Phil Stacey went home. Truth be told, at this point of the com-pe-ti-tion, I would have rather seen LaKisha leave.

Sanjaya was voted off American Idol last night, and his singular name will now permanently be as instantly recognizable as Cher, Madonna, Britney and Rosie.

I was trying to think of men whom we can identify just by their first name, but all I came up with was Jesus, and that just really didn’t seem appropriate.

All ponyhawks will be worn at half-staff until further notice.

Okay…I didn’t pay much attention last night during American Idol. CU and I were busy updating my resume for my UoD application…and listening to Cookie cough. Seems the poodle has been stricken by the demon illness of little dogs…a collapsing trachea. Sigh…yeah, that’s it’s own barrel of laughs. For a dog whose life mission it has been to kick ass now and ask questions later, it’s very frustrating to see her being knocked around by this. I’m taking her back in to the vet today, as she seems to have gotten worse since we put her on the meds…so it’s time for x-rays to see what we’re officially dealing with.

5:11 PM Update: It’s not a collapsed trachea, it’s fluid in her lungs…which if we can’t clear it out, will likely indicate she’s at the beginning stages of heart disease. Damn poodle. She’s now on FOUR meds, so…say a doggie prayer everything clears out and the coughing subsides. I’m not ready to pass over into that stage of her life, yet.

Back to American Idol…I did see Sanjaya’s kinda freaky (although, THANK YOU SANJAYA for not doing your hair Bonnie Raitt-style) version of “Something To Talk About”, and LaKisha’s very weird rendition of “Jesus Take The Wheel” and…Chris singing, again, in the key of Chris.

(more…)

Oh, Haley. The shorts and skirts keep getting shorter…the heels keep getting higher…the lips keep getting redder…and, apparently, even Simon Cowell is tiring of it. You’re a nice enough young woman…cut your losses and head on over to The Bachelor, where they’d appreciate your wares more.

Lest you think I fixated solely on Haley’s appearance for ninety seconds…that wasn’t the case. Her rendition of “Turn The Beat Around” (Was Vicki Sue Robinson a Latina? Or was she singing the Gloria Estefan version?) showed an utter lack of breath control, as she sounded likeIdowhenItry(BREATHE)to singthesong.

Everyone else was just…eh. I love “Sway”…and the Pussycat Dolls’ version is fantastic…but Simon was right, Mindy Doo seemed about fifty years old. However, I thought her performance was fantastically sexy, until the song ended and she went back to her Oliver Twisty personality. Weird. I guess you can turn sexy on and off like a switch.

LaKisha…looked fantastic, sang fantastic…and Simon’s a jerk, because the girl can dance just fine.

All of the guys were kind of a blur…Chris, Blake and Phil all sound exactly the same to me every week now…which drives me nuts. Chris will sing in that only falsetto key he seems to know now, even when cleverly hidden inside his “lower register”…and same with Blake. To be honest, I don’t think I even listened to Phil…what did he sing?

Jordin, as always, is wonderful…but the evening’s capstone was saved for…{whisper}…Sanjaya. I was talking to Mom last night (who “doesn’t care for” Sanjaya, by the way) and I told her that Sanjaya…and I honestly believe this…isn’t a terrible singer. He’s sort of strange in his choices, but aren’t those the folks we always make fun of…the ones who do things differently than us and therefore, make us feel awkward?

Although I would not besa him mucho, his voice was clear and didn’t need 15 backup singers (Haley, can you hear me over all of them?) to deliver the song. Randy declared him the “smartest contestant” and Simon didn’t think he was too bad. And this week, I think he actually meant it.

Bottom two: Phil and Haley. Please please please…let Haley go home.

No, I’m not talking about his post-graduate ambitions…I’m talking about what a small world it is. Turns out, one of my co-workers knows someone who knows someone who knows Sanjaya’s family.

CU and I recorded (see post below, for full television pre-empting information) and watched Friday Night Lights last night (which was so very wonderful…if you’re not watching it, download it from iTunes…seriously…do it now…will be the best $40 you spend all month…guaranteed), and came into American Idol late, only to find Tony Bennett out with the flu (yeah, whatever).

Michael Bublé bravely stepped in to pinch-hit, doing his very best Blake Lewis impression. I love Michael Bublé, but the recording studio seems to be very good to him…live…not so much.

Bottom three…Phil, Haley & Gina…no Sanjaya…again. Phil is sent back to the corral, because the AI producers like screwing with this poor guy…and Gina is sent home. Fine by me. After watching a 90-second close-up of her tongue ring while singing “Smile” Tuesday night, that pretty much did me in. And, oh so sadly ironic she had to sing that same song on her way out last night.

Next week’s theme? Country! YEAH BABY! I think I could die a happy woman if I could hear Sanjaya sing, “I Like It, I Love It”…but I have this funny feeling I will be subjected to some sort of “Howdy Doody Reject” performance, instead.

I understand when people get on in years, society is a lot more tolerant of their fashion choices but, really now…Tony…a yellow blazer?

Last night’s American Idol theme was “Standards Anyone Can Sing In Any Key They Choose”. The standouts included the usual…Mindy Doo and LaKisha…but, who would have thought Chris Richardson would bring some updated sexy back to a song any woman around my age remembers as “The Love Theme From When Harry Met Sally?”

And Sanjaya…oh, Sanjaya. I was telling CU that he was actually pretty good in the auditions, but…has just gotten worse and worse. I’m not necessarily talking about the singing because…really…he was never going to win. However, is there a reason he feels the need to just phone it in now? When it looked like he was at least trying, I was able to get on board the “it’s so bad it’s good” train. Now though…with even Ryan Seacrest upping the mock factor…I don’t blame Simon for just sitting there and saying, “Whatever. You’re brilliant.”

Even the chick who went on a hunger strike until Sanjaya was voted off has given up…ironically…right before Easter! In retrospect..how awesome would it have been for all of us to have given up Sanjaya for Lent? Had we known then what we know now…

Tonight…please America…tell me you’re sending Haley “Bright Lights, Short Skirts” Scarnato home. We all know Sanjaya isn’t going anywhere.

As a side note…CU and I missed most of Dancing With The Stars, as WFAA decided to pre-empt most of the results show with some hooey about a tornado in Arlington and omnipresent doppler radar images. Wisely though, they cut back just in time for me to find out Lady and the Tramp Tattoo were sticking around…and Shandi & Slight were headed home.

Tonight…Friday Night Lights, Haley goes home…and Kate and Juliet roll around in the mud!

Oh, Sanjaya…I have no idea what you sang last night, but CU told me it was one of No Doubt’s greatest songs ever. Sigh. And the hair…oy…the hair…only the trained professionals at the House of Sanjaya could pull off that fearless feat.

I came in to the show 15 seconds late, so I didn’t catch what the theme was…was it “Embarrass Gwen Stefani”?

Other observations…

• In June of 1993, I sang “Last Dance” at a bar in Santa Barbara on karaoke night…I got a standing ovation…just like LaKisha. Thought I’d throw that out there, although I doubt strawberry margaritas were involved in her performance.
• Mindy Doo, as usual, was fabulous…although…the stage looked like a roller rink circa ‘82. Everyone, free skate!
• Chris Sligh…bleh. Dude, you’ve disappointed me so much this season.
• While I like Chris Richardson as a person, we’ve now gotten to the point in the com-pe-ti-tion where it becomes a serious liability if every song you sings sounds exactly the same. Rose calls him “breathy”…I call him…”one trick pony.”
• Phil Stacey, accompanied by Knitted Cap, sang a fantastic rendition of “Every Breath You Take”, which was the perfect song for him, dawg. I’m not sure I agreed with Simon’s assertation that he was the front-running guy in the competition…but considering what he was up against last night, might not be too far off.

Oh…if Sanjaya’s “Really Got You Now”…you can download the MP3 from the American Idol website. No joke. According to the website, “Hurry! MP3 Offer Ends May 23, 2007!!”

Postscript: Good Day down here in Dallas has Selena Ray and George Huff doing post-game commentary on Wednesday mornings. Selena just compared Gina to Kelly Clarkson. Seriously? No I mean, seriously…who is Selena Ray? George Huff rocks though, because he said Haley Scarnato was the most “cabaret” singer ever. Ever!

First off…HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Mama Snark, who is patiently waiting for winter to end in New York. Hang in there…August will be here before you know it!

When CU was in Iraq last year, I took it on as my personal mission to hook my mom onto every TV show I loved. My first task was to get her addicted to Lost, which worked, although I have no idea if she still watches it. The next one was Grey’s Anatomy…also successful. Finally, the hat trick was American Idol. I remember last season’s audition episodes almost lost her…but I told her to hang in there…that it got better. And, it did. We watched every week, like the AI groupies we are. Ahahaha…another unsuspecting victim to throw onto the pile with the other 38.1 million zombies.

Having said that, my mom “doesn’t care for” Sanjaya. I called her last night, asking her why on Earth that little girl was so terribly, tragically, visbly verklempt during Sanjaya’s gravelly (albeit entertaining) rendition “You Really Got Me Now”. We even got to see him grind around a bit in front of Paula. Hula dancer, indeed.

CU estimated Visibly Verklempt Girl was probably a gigantic fan of the show, has American Idol ringtones and desktop wallpapers and an actual seat in the audience was her 2nd biggest dream come true up until that point - the first, of course, being Simon’s interview with Anderson Cooper on 60 Minutes last Sunday night.

I suppose it wouldn’t be appropriate of me to mock, though…I was, after all, crying similarly about this guy at her age and this a few years later. Nobody ever came into the audience and hugged me, though. Now that I think about it, I never got closer to any of them than via an autographed photo.

So really, I can’t judge, as Visibly Verklempt Girl trumps 8×10 Glossy Girl. But then…the cameraman cut to her crying during Mindy Doo’s performance, too! Now, that was a little suspect. She didn’t cry when Haley “Snarkwife, quit mocking my Katherine McPhee-ness” Scarnato sang!
(more…)

As I was scanning the CMM point-getters so far, I thought…what would it be like if there were a parallel March Madness tournament for the third-tier one-fafa-wonders we’ve come to know and love? The brackets could include all of the American Idol finalists, contestants on Dancing With the Stars who have both their original legs and…shoot…how about Bill Clinton?

Kinda like the NIT…not quite good enough to get into the Big Show, but entertaining nonetheless. Plus, they’ve got that head-scratching, “Wait…who are they again?” quality.

Plus, you can’t tell me Brangelina didn’t adopt Pax for the Fafa points. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that the adoption was finalized on the exact day CMM started. Unfortunately, at first glance I thought they’d adopted that cable network that used to show nothing but Mama’s Family reruns. I guess that’s next on the horizon, once they’re done adopting children.

(Cross-posted from Fafarazzi.com)

Oh, my. By the time Diana Ross finished singing the chorus to “More Today Than Yesterday” for the 63rd time on American Idol last night, I was wondering if I could vote her off. Dude. Dawg…it was pitchy…and weird. And I didn’t like the Wizard of Oz red platforms she was wearing. Other than that, she looked beautiful and she’s a wonderful spirit and I’m sure she’ll go far in her career.

I was still reeling from that performance when my homeboy John Stevens Kevin Covais Sanjaya got yet another another stay of execution. No joke…he’s going at least to the final six. I can completely see Gina “I’VE GOT BRASS…IN POCKET…AND I’M SHOUTING…TO MY LOVE CHILD” Glockson and Haley “How long until Katherine McPhee theme night?” Scarnato heading out first.

Last night as the show started, I was telling CU I was thankful we hadn’t gotten to the point in the season where the poor finalists were subjected to doing those awkward Ford Focus commercials. For some reason, I thought they waited until they only had enough people to put into two cars…which by my standards, would be eight. Guess “they” were thinking six to a car.

I flipped over to Lost at the tail-end of AI, so I didn’t hear what next week’s theme was…or if Ryan said anything about it at all. Is it Katherine McPhee week? Please tell me it is, because I really need to see more young women slithering around on the stage singing “Black Horse and a Cherry Tree.”

Loved that line during “Stuck In The Middle With You”…because it was almost like the performance arrangers knew he wasn’t going home, but wanted to give us all some hope that he would.

Having said that…when Sundance Head is sent home because 17-year old girls around America seem to find something attractive about Sanjaya…you know I will chime in. I’m not Sundance’s biggest fan, and I’m sure Sanjaya is a perfectly nice kid but to quote, well, everyone…American Idol is a singing competition (no, really…I swear it is), and that kid just can’t sing. He wasn’t bad in the auditions but somewhere over the past few weeks, he’s ironed his hair and turned into a hula dancing Michael Jackson. I just can’t see that selling out concert venues.

When reliving Great Moments In American Idol History though, Sanjaya joins a long list of finalists (I was going to use the term “performers”, but that wasn’t entirely accurate) who made me scratch my head so hard and so often, I’m surprised I didn’t break skin.

For example…Anthony Federov, John Stevens and Kevin Covais…just to name a few.

Reminds me of that old Margaret Cho joke…about how women always travel in groups of three: “There’s the smart one, the pretty one…and then there’s the ho. Look around…which one are you?” America…we have your 12 finalists…the Great Ones, the Yellers…and then there are the Head Scratchers. I couldn’t use the “ho” reference, since Antonella Barba went home last night. Oh…snap!

And…speaking of head scratchers…why on Earth are Phil Stacey and his wacky sidekick, Knitted Cap, still around?

CU pointed out last night that I’m incredibly hard on the ladies of American Idol. I’m not sure why…but I expect considerably more out of them. Maybe I still use Kelly Clarkson as the proverbial gold standard…and if someone can’t measure up to her, then don’t bother. Now that I think about it, I think Kelly’s the only female competitor I ever wanted to win. I couldn’t stand Fantasia…Diana DeGarmo made my teeth hurt…Carrie Underwood wasn’t my style, and Katharine McPhee made me want to poke myself with thousands of needles.

Having said that, some of the ladies last night…well, rocked the house. Going in, the only one I really liked was Melinda Doolittle. For me, I have to be able to connect with the performer…they have to seem genuine and enthusiastic. Case in point: Stephanie Edwards. No doubt she’s a great singer, but …and CU’s actually the one who brought this up…she sang like someone just gave her band $600 to play at the prom. She was almost too polished…too professional. Who wants a pro to win American Idol? That’s half the appeal of the show…plucking someone out of relative obscurity and then shoving them into the public’s glaringly white-hot spotlight until they either crack in two or win a Grammy.

I also loved the performances of Jordin Sparks (who thankfully, didn’t go all pageant-queen like Paris Bennett of yesteryear) and…oh my God…Lakisha Jones. What a way to end the show with, “And I’m Telling You (I’m Not Going)”. I’d forgotten about her until they went through her audition montage, and CU and I remembered we were happy she was 27 with a 4-year old, as opposed to 19 with a 4-year old.

Remember yesterday when I was talking about AI moves that can help or hinder?

Mouth off to Simon about how even though you didn’t hit the note well, you did hit it >> hinder
Sing anything from the Celine Dion catalogue >> hinder
Sing a big song when you know you can hit it >> help

I’m now changing my predictions…and am hoping it’s Melinda Doolittle and Lakisha Jones in the final two. Although, heaven help both of them when the inevitable “Grunge Night” comes. All of the guys could go home before Spring officially begins and I really wouldn’t be too crushed.

There’s supposed to be a “big announcement” on the show tonight…and no, it isn’t that Fantasia’s going to sing.

Come on…”Careless Whisper”? Really? Urgh. Dude…what were you thinking? You know, the lack of shoes wouldn’t have been so bad had he at least bought a new shirt and pair of pants for his live TV debut.

Other guys who need to leave American Idol in the very near future…

AJ Tabaldo, if only because the whole AJ/RJ/EJ name thing went out in season one.

Sanjaya Malakar, because he’s running with a group of big dawgs who are like, on average, thirty years older than him. And his hair is just too flowy.

Chris Sligh performed about as I expected, but it was Chris Richardson who actually had the balls to take a risk and sing an Edwin McCain Gavin DeGraw song. It’s kind of like The Amazing Race…after a few seasons, competitors should be able to figure out what strategies help and which hinder.

1. Singing a song which doesn’t fall under the heading, “saccharine & safe” >> help
2. Knowing how to drive a stick-shift >> help
3. Cracking jokes about Simon, Il Divo and Teletubbies: help
4. Singing “Careless Whisper” >> hinder

God bless YouTube…would have recorded this myself, but CU has the “video camera” with him. Is that term passe’, “video camera”? Should I instead be saying, “digital recording device”?

How 100% completely utterly awesome were these four guys? Last night’s episode was televised proof why I like working with men rather than women. Women let the whole “friendship” and “emotion” thing get in the way of work and then there’s sniping and crying and…ergh.

I’m still gunning for ChrisJack Osborne. Love him.

Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day. How deep is your love? Heh.

So, I had this dream last night…Matt Saracen and Julie Taylor were newlyweds, and were participating in some reality show for just-married folks…So You Think You Can Dance Like A Newlywed Idol. Heck, I don’t know.

Anyway, they hired me to help them with their dance routine (yeah, I have no idea about that one, either) - so we did…at some random neighborhood park at like, 2 in the morning. Matt wasn’t that bad of a dancer, if I recall.

My dream then cuts to me sitting on my couch, reading a book. When I look up at the TV, I see literally, the last two seconds of Matt & Julie’s routine on SYTYCDLANI and am absolutely crushed, because I didn’t get to see the whole thing. Rather than sit there and see how they were judged though, I rushed off to my computer to try to find their performance on YouTube.

The moral of the story? Don’t watch Friday Night Lights, then American Idol. I think the newlywed aspect of the dream came from watching that one couple last night from Compton talk about how they were going to get married. You remember the chick…”I’m goin’ dowwwwwwnnnnn…I’m goin’ dowwwwwnnnnn…”

Thank goodness there wasn’t anything good on after AI last night…who knows where else that dream would have gone.

American Idol is always good for some lively conversation…

Stacy
8:06 PM OMG…what was that “dirt off the shoulder” thing? They bleeped Paula and her mouth was too covered up for me to see!

Rose
8:06 PMI think she said, “It means f*&k off.”

Stacy
8:07 PM ahhhhh
8:07 PM okay
8:07 PM i figured that
8:07 PM thank yewwww
8:08 PM i liked that jack osborne guy

Rose
8:08 PM I was just going to say that!

Stacy
8:08 PM !!!!!

Rose
8:08 PM I liked him very much.
8:08 PM and
8:08 PM WHY
8:08 PM DOES EVERY SEASON
8:08 PM HAVE TO HAVE
8:08 PM DUMB BLONDE HILLBILLY GIRL WHO CAN MOSTLY SING

(more…)

Unfortunately, I can’t hear the name “Burt Bacharach” without thinking of Austin Powers saying, “Ladies and gentlemen…Mr. Burt Bacharach!,” then breaking into “The Look of Love.” I imagine Paula would stand up and wave her arms back and forth, too.

You just knew American Idol in New York would would provide some freak-action for Simon, Paula, Randy, Joan Collins and…in an itty bitty Lionel Richie-montage blip…Olivia Newton-John? Where’d she come from? Way to go, editors. You’ve set your wayback machine on Reverse and shown us a glimpse of what I can only assume was footage from a future episode.

Kind of like The Amazing Race, I try not to get too emotionally attached to any contestants/auditioners until at least halfway through the season. Yeah, I know…not much of a struggle. Although, I did develop an affinity for Taylor Hicks early on. Up until then, they are burned into my brain with names like, “Verklempt Bronx Weirdo”, “Jersey Paris & Nicole”, “Lady Marmalade”, “Ashanti & Her Soapy Soliloquy”, “Greek Idol”, “Girl Who Could Win If They’d Simply Teach Her How To Sing” and “Man In Space Suit”.

My favorite, though…was the young woman who was supposed to, like, be at school I guess, but instead hopped a flight to NY to audition and omigodherdadisgoingtokillher if she makes it through because he’s an unsupportive jerk! This generated a collectively strange combination of “Uhhh..” and “Awww!” from the judges, who let her through because she’s got a good voice and Ryan needed to call someone on his Cingular phone before the auditions were over.

Then…as she’s bawling into the speakerphone, her dad says, “Who is this?” Classic. Aw shucks honey, we ain’t mad. Just come home safe. Funny, he didn’t sound mad…and through the magic of editing, she goes from blubbery and stuttery to hootin’ and hollerin’ in literally, two seconds.

We noticed last night’s American Idol seemed to be significantly less caustic than last week’s…either that or my head was so stuffed up and my ears were so plugged up, I just didn’t hear anything below a certain decibel level. At one point, so many people said they wanted to go to Hollywood that CU replied to the TV screen, “If you want to go to Hollywood, just buy a plane ticket!”

But, there weren’t any points when I wanted to switch channels…although during commercials we watched a really phun Dr. Phil episode, where two engaged adults (”Chuck” and “Renee”) disguised as 7-year olds competed to see who could show the most contempt towards the other while still saying “I just love him/her to death!”

It’s always strange being back home after going on vacation, but CU and I had a fantastic time. We were so happy to be able to meet up with Becky again, and I will still always marvel at how wonderful it is in Seattle…the drivers aren’t as manic as they are here, and it’s so…quiet. No screaming children. After nine years, you start to think every location on Earth has as many screaming children as North Texas but apparently, that just isn’t the case.

As a matter of fact, we had such a great time that I brought a little bit of the Pacific Northwest home with me…in the form of a cold virus. First one in…at least two years. I think.

In random celebrity news, Mischa Barton turns 21 today…meaning she can now legally drink. A round of kamikazes for everyone, and a shot of Nyquil for me.

To: Whatever dumbass decided to ring my doorbell at 8:56 p.m. last night
From: Snarky

RE: Do that again and so help me, I’ll overseed your lawn. Birds lurrrrrrrrve overseeded lawns.

I’d like to thank you for ringing my doorbell last night, right as Ryan Seacrest was saying, “And…the winner…of American Idol…is…” GAH! You IDIOT! I was flipping back and forth between that and the painfully intense last couple of minutes of Lost and…you ring my doorbell?

Probably to the average schmo, this is not a big deal except (1) it was nearly 9 p.m., (2) my porch lights weren’t on so I sure as Hell wasn’t going to open my door anyway and, (3) ringing doorbells flip out Cookie and Daisy.

When the doorbell rings, I rarely have enough time to get to Cookie because somehow she goes from sound asleep on the couch to throwing herself at the door in literally, one leap. Pretty good for a blind dog. By the time things settled down, I noticed quite a bit of blood on the tile in our foyer, in front of the door.

Cookie must have caught her paw on something because she cut herself and, after trying to diagnose which dog was bleeding (and checking my own paws) and noticing she was the only one licking her paw, figured it was her. She’s fine, though. Thanks for asking. Nothing some tummy scratches and a few treats couldn’t fix.

I Tivo’d Lost so I was able to watch the end of that, but I won’t ever get back the American Idol moment I lost you stole from me. Plus, the whole incident just startled and scared me.

Thanks a lot. Happy Thursday to you.

Yes, we watched ABC’s sexposé on Paula Abdul and Corey Clark last night, Fallen Idol: A Primetime Live Ratings Grabber.

The UberHusband’s first comment was that if any of what they were about to say was true, they’d have Diane Sawyer dishing the dirt instead of John Quiñones. What’s so funny…and we both talked about this last night, was that generally news magazines who have a legitimate scoop practically trip over themselves validating what they’re showing and proving that they do, indeed, have evidence! Really! He spent that night at her house! He knows her dogs’ names!

I’m sure a fairly inexhaustive Google search would yield the same results. I think I saw the inside of Paula’s house a couple of years ago in InStyle.

I’m not saying I had sex with her.

Shush.

I didn’t see any validation last night, though. I saw a J-list hiphop wannabe who (coincidentally) has a “song” coming out, two parents who would probably love to score a book deal out of this and several ixnayed Idolists who never thought something like this would happen in a million years until John convinced them it did may have. Kimberly Locke did an interview a few days ago and said there was no way something “like that” could happen…those contestants were on lockdown and…if Corey Clark was clubbing with Paula, there’s no photographic evidence other than the racy mental pictures Corey and John conjured up for their own entertainment?

Primetime Live producers showed us a bunch of telephone records and said they were Paula’s number, but at no point did they say, “Primetime Live has verified that the numbers belong to Paula, Miss Abdul If You’re Nasty.”

And…as far as that cell phone store employee is concerned, don’t tell me Paula Abdul actually goes into a store to get cell phones. Hell, no one knows who I am and I still do all my ordering on the internet. FedEx will get a phone to you the next day, for a small fee.

Anyhoo, make up your own mind on this televised tripe but I can tell you one thing, I wasn’t convinced beyond a reasonable doubt. I’m not even convinced Corey Clark knows how to dial a phone.

And oh yeah, Scott Savol was voted off of Paula’s island last night. Buhbye!

Let’s just get the American Idol commentary out of the way right now…you know it’s a bad night if I think the best performance was Anthony Federov’s.

And Scott Savol…way to phone it in by singing Luther Vandross’s “Dance With My Father.” While a lovely song, it really doesn’t even begin to punctuate your “baby’s daddy” persona and pathological need to be Eminem.

Please…for the love of humanity…I hope he goes home tonight.

**The The Amazing Race recap will be up later this morning…please save your comments on the show for that post…thanks!**

So, I was finally able to watch American Idol last night. Because the UberHusband and I have become social all of a sudden, I’ve missed AI the last two weeks and vowed that I would watch it last night.

Oh boy…70s dance hits! Now, let me get this out of the way…I thought Carrie Underwood was horrible last night. She’s one of my favorites, so it pained me to listen to her struggle through “Macarthur Park” and have to catch her breath and tentatively hit those big notes (which finished big, but still)…plus, she was wearing that 80s Power Ballad Night Hair that worked then but…anyhoo.

Then…then…she started babbling about how she didn’t know what the song was about and that it was an amazing song…except for the lyrics. Yeah. Okay. Even the UberHusband, whom I think has a bigger crush on Miss Underwood than the Simonator, wiggled a little at how young and clueless she sounded.

Everyone thought she was great, though…and I didn’t see it. Oh well, what do I know. I just vote and then people like Fantasia and Ruben win anyway.

The funny thing I’ve noticed about American Idol contestants this season…they’re like math geniuses. Let me explain. They can solve differential equations and launch space shuttles but struggle to balance their checkbook. These contestants (I can’t call them kids since two of them aren’t that much younger than me…well, yeah they are)…these kids hit these amazing notes and hold them and sound great but can’t consistently handle the simple melodies in these songs.

I call it the middle school/high school talent show syndrome…everyone thinks you’re great even if you honk and snort but, if you can squeak out that one big note, then everyone’s up on their feet, giving you the standing O. Of course, this works great when performing in front of your parents but the real world demands a little more…consistency. Or, maybe I’m the only one who demands more consistency, given the fact that Scott Savol is still there.

And, I think Anthony Federov is kind of cute. Is that wrong?

Snarky…out!

As I was surfing between American Idol and The Bachelorette during the 7:00 hour last night, I experienced a split-second of lunacy and flipped over to NBC to watch Fear Factor: Reality Stars.

I was mesmerized. We had American Non-Idol Nikki “I Sing Karaoke!” McKibbin (nice hair, girlfriend!), Ironman Bachelor Ryan Sutter (mrrrrow!), Ethan “Survivor Was In Africa?” Zohn, Jenna “Will Strip For Chocolate” Morasca and Princess Consort Omarosa. I started watching while they were trying to climb across a rope while hanging from a helicopter over a river or…something like that. All I know is that IronRyan got the best time.

Click back to ABC and Jen crying, “I didn’t think it would be this harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!”

Click.

The Fear Factor Flim Flam team also participated in a task that involved boa constrictors, worms and a blender. As soon as Joe Rogan said “Blend the worms…and then you will drink…” I flipped back to ABC. I can handle the nausea of 2 hours of anti-climactic suspense but worms? Not so much.

Hey Jen…there’s always Fear Factor. Or, The Amazing Race with nothing but reality show couples who have broken up. How cool would that be?

By the way…The Amazing Race picks up again tonight! Recap tomorrow!

In more convoluted reality television news, Survivor: The Australian Outback is being released on DVD April 26.