You know it’s a great world we live in when you get to watch two damaged Merediths on one night…nay…within the same hour. It’s an even greater world when you get to watch people do insane things over a shiny object.

Over on The Office we were treated to Meredith getting whacked in the face by Pam’s “Don’t call me Eli” football pass, and then over on Grey’s Anatomy we’re witnesses to Mere being metaphorically whacked in the face by the sight of an unbelievably chipper Derek and Rose. Sakes alive, those two should be in toothpaste commercials.

Then we have something shiny under Stanley’s car on The Office which results in Michael getting a full peanut butter head massage by Dwight (watch out…Bliss will have it on its services menu in a week), and a shiny Sparkle Pager which prompts our Grey’s residents to continue to act like immature, moronic interns. Really? Sparkle Pager?

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Holy crap! At the end of Lost last night, were you asking the same question I was…?

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Now that my environmental analysis on the hotel industry has been uploaded and officially “delivered” to my Strategic Marketing professor, I can take a bit of a break and reflect on Lost last night. As an unintentional tie-in, the title of last night’s ep, “The Economist,” really threw me for a loop because my Strategic Marketing midterm this week includes questions regarding several articles we’ve read and discussed from…wait for it…The Economist. It’s like no matter how hard I try, I just can’t get away from school - not even for an hour.

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Exclusive: Lost Boss Reveals Revised Season 4 Plan - Ausiello Report | TVGuide.com

YAY! More Lost is on the way! That’s not on tonight, is it? No…today’s Wednesday…right? I swear, this semester is killing me. I have no idea what day it is, and its made worse by the fact that I don’t have any TV shows to use as my compass: “Has Grey’s Anatomy been on yet this week? Okay, then it’s not Thursday yet.”

American Idol was on last night, and that’s how I knew it was Tuesday. Or wait…was it Wednesday? We made a decisive decision (like that?) to skip all of the audition shows and go straight to Hollywooooooooood (yo, dawg) and boy, am I glad we did. I am pleased that musical styles such as those showcased with guys such as AJ, EJ, and RJ have gone the way of the dodo bird, only to be replaced by young James Blunt-types who play keyboards and a conspicuous absence of African American Women With Big Voices. I’m so over that…seriously. I think this season is shaping up to be pretty good although…come on…don’t sing “Light My Fire” and then crap out on the big finale.

Okay…before I begin to busy myself with work, end-of-the-week school chaos, and the brain-jarring jackhammering of our friendly neighborhood plumber (plumber #2, since plumber #1 called in sick for our appointment this morning) - let’s talk about Lost.

I think last night’s episode wouldn’t bug me so much if I didn’t already know we were only getting half a season of episodes. If I knew we had sixteen coming instead of eight, the fact that we’ve had precious little forward movement in two episodes wouldn’t bug me…but I don’t, so it does.

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My thoughts are shifting from the cold to the warm…more specifically, the island on Lost. I was looking for a cool “X hours until Lost returns” countdown clock or ticker, but couldn’t find anything good so…here we are.

ABC is re-airing last season’s finale tonight and I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that was last May. I still remember sitting in my living room, with tears rolling down my face as I watched Charlie meet his watery grave. Oy. Then I had the same “WTF?” moment the rest of America had when Jack pleaded with Kate at the end to go back to the island…that they had to go back. There’s no way that was eight months ago.

Nevertheless, I’m ready for some new TV. When your Tivo is full of nothing but The Millionaire Matchmaker, Dr. Phil and Jon & Kate Plus Eight (I love that show, because I can’t stand Kate)…it’s time for some new network programming.

Really, Melinda? Ten katrillion weeks into the competition and you can’t remember Randy Jackson’s name?

Even with that completely inexcusable gaffe, your American Idol final two will be…Melinda and Blake. I know, all you Blake-haters (Justin Timberfake, I believe?) think I’m nuts, but I just don’t see Jordin & Melinda in the final two.

If you want to look at the song choices for last evening as clues to who will stay and who will go…Melinda “believes in miracles,” Jordin’s back to standing outside restaurant windows looking sad and pathetic…and Blake doesn’t care if it’s wrong or if it’s right. Simon was in a good mood, Paula was disturbingly bleary-eyed the whole show (they didn’t even bother to put eye makeup on her)…and Randy would like Blake to become part of Maroon 6.

And for those of you still watching Dancing With the Stars…Ian and Cheryl went home last night. I almost expected Cheryl to knock Ian to the ground and kick the crap out of him for dashing her hopes of a DWTS hat trick. In defense of Ian though, Cheryl’s choreography was really tame and dull next to the more exciting offerings of Julianne Hough…and she doesn’t have that cute Australian accent like Kym Johnson.

On tap for tonight…the ultimate immunity challenge on Lost, and…Melinda goes home. Hey, I was right last week with LaKisha. Then again, I also picked Chris Sligh to go all the way.

PS - I got a perfect score on my first unit essay for Org Behavior…I rock! Game on, Marge!

The Unit 1 threaded discussion for my Org Behavior class was a virtual meet-and-greet, where we said hello to everyone, explained who we were, where we worked, what we did, why we were getting our MBA…and then we were also supposed to divulge something personal about ourselves.

Do any of you have any idea how hard it was for me to keep my snark under control? How I so badly wanted to introduce myself as Snarkwife, the regional sales manager for a small paper company in Scranton, PA? I enjoy sexually harrassing my receptionist, making stupid jokes and picking up waitresses at hibachi restaurants. I’m getting my MBA because I want to be able to bring my boss, Jan, to class for extra credit just like one of my employees did earlier in the season. Something personal? I love the Awesome Blossom® at Chili’s.

But no, I had to be professional. I even left out the part about how my main hobbies are watching television and drinking wine. Looking back at everyone else’s responses, I really do look like an underachiever. But then again…we ARE in the virtual world. For all I know, these folks are hooking up to the internet from the bathroom of a gas station…or alternating between saying,”MUST CONTROL FIST OF DEATH” and “Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina speaking…just a moment!” while reading about The Beer Game.

I also refrained from posting on our class message board this morning, asking if anyone had seen last night’s episode of Lost, then initiating a conversation about how whether or not demanding someone kill their father in order to be accepted into a new group is truly an effective form of motivation. Likewise, what were Ben’s individual needs? What personal fulfillment did Ben need in order to turn himself over 100% to his team, the Other White Hostiles? Most importantly, why didn’t anyone go back to the van to get the rest of the beer? I mean, really now.

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I understand when people get on in years, society is a lot more tolerant of their fashion choices but, really now…Tony…a yellow blazer?

Last night’s American Idol theme was “Standards Anyone Can Sing In Any Key They Choose”. The standouts included the usual…Mindy Doo and LaKisha…but, who would have thought Chris Richardson would bring some updated sexy back to a song any woman around my age remembers as “The Love Theme From When Harry Met Sally?”

And Sanjaya…oh, Sanjaya. I was telling CU that he was actually pretty good in the auditions, but…has just gotten worse and worse. I’m not necessarily talking about the singing because…really…he was never going to win. However, is there a reason he feels the need to just phone it in now? When it looked like he was at least trying, I was able to get on board the “it’s so bad it’s good” train. Now though…with even Ryan Seacrest upping the mock factor…I don’t blame Simon for just sitting there and saying, “Whatever. You’re brilliant.”

Even the chick who went on a hunger strike until Sanjaya was voted off has given up…ironically…right before Easter! In retrospect..how awesome would it have been for all of us to have given up Sanjaya for Lent? Had we known then what we know now…

Tonight…please America…tell me you’re sending Haley “Bright Lights, Short Skirts” Scarnato home. We all know Sanjaya isn’t going anywhere.

As a side note…CU and I missed most of Dancing With The Stars, as WFAA decided to pre-empt most of the results show with some hooey about a tornado in Arlington and omnipresent doppler radar images. Wisely though, they cut back just in time for me to find out Lady and the Tramp Tattoo were sticking around…and Shandi & Slight were headed home.

Tonight…Friday Night Lights, Haley goes home…and Kate and Juliet roll around in the mud!

Nikki: Way to go, Paolo. You really blew it this time. But, this conversation between our minds is pretty slick…since we can’t speak or move or indicate to the dog that we’re not dead.
Paolo: What do you mean, I blew it? How was I supposed to know you were going to throw a Medusa spider on me, which would then bite me, rendering me paralyzed? This would be your fault for running onto the beach and saying “Paolo-sized”!
Nikki: I did not say “Paolo-sized”, I said “I’m paralyzed.”
Paolo: Yeah, well, regardless, here we are…lying in a grave, totally alive I might add, listening to the fat guy talk about how no one knew who we were.
Nikki: I can’t believe the scraggly blonde guys dragged that one chick into the woods. She sounded pretty pissed.
Paolo: Don’t change the subject. You know, had you not gotten all wiggy when I lit a cigarette when you were opening the safe, I wouldn’t have been chewing the nicotine gum and wouldn’t have had to look so hard for the gum after the crash. By the way, I was pretty impressed with how well the packaging held up, considering it was underwater in a murky pond for a month.
Nikki: This has nothing to do with the gum, and I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you found the bag because you were afraid I wouldn’t be with you anymore. I mean, I really can’t believe that. You wanted the diamonds just as badly as I did - badly enough to bury them in the back of a toilet.
Paolo: I should probably tell you something. When I was down there the first time, I heard a couple of people come in and talk about surgery and Michael. I don’t know if it was the Michael we knew, but the other people…I didn’t recognize them.
Nikki: Hey…they starting to toss sand in here. You know, I’m sorry for jumping all over you when you didn’t want to crawl up into that plane. I had no idea it would eventually come down and kill Boone. At least he’s free from Shannon…she was a serious whackjob.
Paolo: How much longer until the paralysis wears off?
Nikki: Probably about ten minutes. I have no idea how we’re going to get out of here.

My, how things change over the course of a couple of years on Lost…and how they stay the same. Charlie’s still the same annoying little puppy dog of a castaway, Hurley’s still the insightfully smart one…but Desmond…all of a sudden he’s H-O-T hot.

The start of tonight’s episode was so weird for me because, well, I got over Eko’s death and Locke’s speech about a hundred years ago…somewhere between Denny Duquette suffering a stroke and finding out The O.C. was being euthanized. You forget the “first half” of the season revolved completely around Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Juliet and Ben and Other(Tertiary Character)s and then…Desmond runs into the ocean and starts swimming. Huh? Claire’s drowing in the ocean? Huh?

After the break, Desmond is gazing wistfully at a photo of him and Penelope, with the Waikiki coastline in the background. Claire is expressing her gratitude for Desmond saving her life when, right on cue, Supernanny Charlie shows up with Aaron in tow, demanding to know when Claire is going to feed her kid, because he’s turning into one of those annoying mommies whose threatened by anyone outside his little bubble…with the exception of Hurley. So, he does what any jealous wife would do…he conspires to liquor up the competition and get some answers, bloody darnit!

I’m thinking at this point if Desmond is truly psychic…wouldn’t he already know about Charlie’s little scheme? I guess not, because Desmond, Charlie and Hurley proceed to start knocking back 60-year whiskey and get drunk as college co-eds and spew nonsense about girls with one leg and hearing people yelling for help from a mile away. You know what it’s like when you’re drunk. You can’t walk in a straight line, but you can recite the alphabet backwards and hear people calling you from two counties over. The good times turn belligerent (as they always do when island distilled spirits are involved) when Charlie confronts Desmond and of course, Charlie is totally out of his league because dude, Desmond’s got demons. Big ones.
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CU and I were watching Lost last night, and have decided since the show has taken a definite downturn, TPTB at ABC need to take Kate & Sawyer and spin them off into their own show where all they do is shoot (poorly) at people, kick them, whack them in the head with the butt of a gun and engage in other forms of hand-to-hand combat. Seriously. With both of them being all dirty and disheveled and hair all over the place…the editing sure did make them look like a fierce team. Kate was the fiercer of the two, though.

I had such high hopes for last night’s episode and, although some questions were subtly answered (unless I was the only one who didn’t know Ben was Alex’s dad which would make Ben…oh heck, I don’t know…), others were raised…like…Juliet’s sister was impregnated by a male mouse? Oh wait, that can’t be right.

Maybe…Juliet’s sister died in childbirth, so the daughter was turned over to the Happy Oregonians, where she was raised by Ben and Rousseau and spent her childhood happily editing brainwashing propaganda media. I also suspect this is how Locke wound up in a wheelchair…Juliet and the Happy Oregonians tried to impregnate him and it didn’t quite work out.

We did cheer though, when Juliet’s imprisoning ex was hit by The Bus. It’s like “they” know and “they” have power. All together now…wooooooooooo! {wiggling fingers all scary-like}. And, funny how the Miami beach area looks just like Waikiki! Heh.

And, what’s with people coming out of anesthesia mid-surgery on ABC these days? First Grey’s last week, then Lost this week. I get Jack’s not an anesthesiologist, but conventional wisdom would tell you to err on the side of more sleepy juice versus less.

To: Whatever dumbass decided to ring my doorbell at 8:56 p.m. last night
From: Snarky

RE: Do that again and so help me, I’ll overseed your lawn. Birds lurrrrrrrrve overseeded lawns.

I’d like to thank you for ringing my doorbell last night, right as Ryan Seacrest was saying, “And…the winner…of American Idol…is…” GAH! You IDIOT! I was flipping back and forth between that and the painfully intense last couple of minutes of Lost and…you ring my doorbell?

Probably to the average schmo, this is not a big deal except (1) it was nearly 9 p.m., (2) my porch lights weren’t on so I sure as Hell wasn’t going to open my door anyway and, (3) ringing doorbells flip out Cookie and Daisy.

When the doorbell rings, I rarely have enough time to get to Cookie because somehow she goes from sound asleep on the couch to throwing herself at the door in literally, one leap. Pretty good for a blind dog. By the time things settled down, I noticed quite a bit of blood on the tile in our foyer, in front of the door.

Cookie must have caught her paw on something because she cut herself and, after trying to diagnose which dog was bleeding (and checking my own paws) and noticing she was the only one licking her paw, figured it was her. She’s fine, though. Thanks for asking. Nothing some tummy scratches and a few treats couldn’t fix.

I Tivo’d Lost so I was able to watch the end of that, but I won’t ever get back the American Idol moment I lost you stole from me. Plus, the whole incident just startled and scared me.

Thanks a lot. Happy Thursday to you.

I must be really dense…like flourless chocolate cake…to have never ever thought that “the boy” could be Walt.

Before I was so rudely interrupted at 8:56 p.m., I was transfixed…glued to my television wondering what the hoopla “in the last five minutes” would be about. I read that Lost was going to have one humdinger of a cliffhanger, and they most definitely did not disappoint.

But, after The Professor exploded trying to secure and transport the unstable dynamite at the beginning of the show I thought, “Man, this can’t get any better. That’s a fitting end to the season, and I am satisfied. How long until The Amber Frey Story?”

For me, it’s the subtle things about this show that just wring me up and toss me aside…like the final scene (with that damn score…can someone compose sadder music?), when they’re all boarding the plane, not even realizing they were coming into contact with people they’d have to share their lives with and…hide their secrets.

I was a wreck. Worse than Danielle, if you can believe it.

And Hurley…ironic that the one lucky thing that happens to him ends up being the least lucky…or so you would think.

So, what’s in the hatch? My guess is Bahston Rahb & Ambuh…and the two of them will let everyone know at the beginning of next season that they’ve all been taking part in a Big Brother-esque reality show, slated to be on CBS’s Fall schedule for the 2006-2007 season! We’ll spend the rest of Season Two watching Rahb & Ambuh try to save their hides running from the new “others” while SuperNanny Jo counsels Michael on how if he had only been a more involved father (Hey…what was up with the “This wasn’t in the plan” comment to his mom on the phone), Captain Ahab wouldn’t have stolen his kid and headed off to a perfect storm. I keep thinking now there has to be some sort of additional relevance to the “Beyond The Sea” song.

Mmm hmm. It’s going to be a long summer. But…heh heh…I have convinced my mom to start watching the reruns of Lost over the summer, pulling her deeper into my evil web of television. Mwa ha ha…

Another Lost thing you all (y’all? all y’all?) already noticed but hey, I’ve been busy today:

Jack’s seat was 23A…Hot Chick Everyone Except Me Seems To Recognize’s seat was…42F.

Yep…two more of Hurley’s lottery numbers.

So, let me see if I have this straight. Watching Lost at 8 a.m. is a little different than watching it at 7 p.m.

Mrs. Subtitle doesn’t want Mr. Subtitle to leave on the raft, because she still loves him and wants them to be together. Kate comes up with the idea of giving Mr. Subtitle a little ailment (which would prevent him from leaving on the next morning’s scheduled departure), so Mrs. Subtitle puts “something” in Mr. Subtitle’s water bottle. Mr. Subtitle and Michael mix up water bottles, resulting in Michael being afflicted with the “little ailment.”

The ailment pops up shortly after Kate talks to Michael about throwing Sawyer off the raft (because she knows how to sail, apparently) and Sawyer confronting Michael about Kate taking his place. Sawyer then confronts Kate and dumps the contents of her bag on the sand in front of, well, everyone, and points out that she modified a dead woman’s passport which means…she would do anything to get off that island, including poison Michael.

Goodness Kate…what did you do?

Can I ask why we haven’t seen Dr. Art, The Science Guy before? He’s actually kind of funny, in a disturbing please-don’t-leave-me-on-the-island-with-a-science-teacher-and-a-genuine-Iraqi sort of way.

I have decided, that I’d like an Oceanic drink cart to put in the garage. You know, to arrange all of our tools and whatnot.

And…Locke gave me a new phrase that I plan on using liberally at work…”You exercised discretion, I exercised mine.”

Thanks, lil’ buddy.

And ooh OOH OOH OOH I just realized something…Kate and Dr. Ex made their time capsule tape on August 15, 1989. Two of Hurley’s lottery numbers were…yep…8 and 15. I got all excited and jumped up and down in front of the UberHusband when I realized this, proclaiming my pride of having figured something about that show out…whether it’s meaningful or not, I don’t know. He said he was proud of me, then continued to vacuum.

Wow. Two weeks in a row without watching The Amazing Race as it unfolds on CBS. We went out to dinner instead with one of the UberHusband’s colleagues who is in town for a few days. Had more fun doing that than watching the telly.

Don’t tell me who went home!!!!!

**7:06 a.m. Update** We turned on the show and fast-forwarded to the end to see who went home and saw that no one went home and Ambuh looked really distressed that she wasn’t at the Pit Stop. Then, Phil made a face that looked like the faces I’ve been seeing on a lot of people lately…befuddled and confused, bordering on constipated.

I then proceeded to inadvertently delete the episode because, well, I am in the habit of deleting shows at the end when I’m “done watching them”. Problem is, I was at the end, but I was not, in fact, done watching the show.

What transpired after that reminded me of the scene in Sex and The City where Miranda accidentally deletes an episode of Jules & Mimi off her TiVo and the world comes crashing down. She was able to get her show back…I was not as lucky.

GRRR. It’s been one of those weeks. I vow to have my ass firmly planted on the couch tonight to watch Lost.

See what happens when I leave the house? I swear, the ghost of PODubya is making me pay.

Musings on last night’s Lost…

Lost musings…

I have to read The Watercooler over at TVGuide.com when it comes to Lost. Although, when I read about all I apparently miss during the episodes, I’m about ready to pack it in and enjoy my blissfully oblivious existence.

Can someone please confirm/deny the box company that Locke worked at was Hurley’s box company? I don’t doubt it, but I’d like to know the scene…or statement…that led the Watercooler folks to make this claim.

Plus, I also read somewhere that Sawyer sauntered through Boone’s backstory? Even though Lost is in repeats, I guess I need to keep watching it.

I caught the one where Sawyer was talking to Jack’s dad…and when Hurley was on Korean television…was Sayid Claire’s obstetrician in Sydney and I just missed that?

GAH!

Hurley, if it makes you feel any better…I think those numbers caused the Oceanica flight to crash and it’s all your fault, too. You’re not the only one, so don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise.

Ha.

Speculation as to Lost’s Mr. Nice Guy Hurley’s life back home ranged from people thinking he was a dot-com billionaire or a video game designer to some other sort of corporate big-wig. Personally, I thought he was a sumo wrestler. Think about it. He was on Korean television (close enough), is rather large and said he was considered a warrior back home.

Anyhoo…none of those are correct. He just won the lottery. But, not just any lottery people, a gi-normous Lottery of Death and Pain! At the big press conference, Grandpa drops dead. The priest at Grandpa’s funeral gets hit by lightning. His brother’s girlfriend leaves him. Mom breaks her ankle while Hurley is showing her the new McMansion he bought her…and 8 people die in a fire at a company his accountant informs Hurley he owns, while a guy falls off the building and careens down the side outside said accountant’s window.

But…it’s not a curse! DON’T SAY THAT! Bad things happen, Hurley…suck it up!

Kinda makes me glad the UberHusband and I didn’t win MegaMillions on Tuesday night…nah, not really. That kind of thing could never happen to us.

But…how did Hurley get these non-cursed numbers?

Okay…see if you can follow the Three Degrees of Island Separation game at home:

So, ma cherie Danielle and Hurley have something in common! Hurley spies his winning lotto numbers on one of Danielle’s maps and sets off on a quest to find her and a battery (or, “battry” for all you Charlie-fans) for the raft that will never be completed. When he does find Danielle, she appears surprisingly…soft to me…even with that big rifle in her hand. Hurley unloads his story, she unloads hers…they hug and Hurley brings a battery back to camp. He hands it off to Sayid with a, “She says ‘Hey’”. Ha! This is great!

In other island news, Locke makes a cradle for Rosemary’s ClaireBaby which funny thing, was big enough to fit Claire methinks, Hurley is unimpressed by Charlie’s heroin-abuse confession (and Charlie doesn’t believe Hurley’s a lottery winner), Jack’s looking like more and more of a dork each week and…Jin and Michael can’t build a raft to save their life. No pun intended. Hey Jin…would be pretty cool to have Sun around to translate, eh?

Lost is a repeat next week…WTF? We’ll get to see Nahte Mor again, if you’re interested.

And oh…the numbers…they’re etched on the radio tower so (that’s what it looked like to me but TV Guide says they were etched on the hatch Locke was trying to crack into), if our castaways could actually make contact with someone (which they won’t), they could probably just give them those numbers and they’d be saved. Which they won’t. You know it’ll take them at least two seasons to figure out where the numbers came from, though.

Last night was the first full episode I’ve seen of Lost in a few weeks. And of course, because Jin thinks Michael has something going on with his wife and is less than congenial with the guy, Michael thinks Jin is the one that set their Only Chance Off The Island ablaze. Sawyer bought a ticket on the Raft to Nowhere and proceeds to beat the crap out of Jin because, well…the guy doesn’t speak English and he always looks cranky and pissed off, which must mean he’s guilty.

Until…Sun opens her mouth and full sentences of English come out, defending her husband and shocking everyone! Dum da DUM! As you would expect, Jin is less than excited about her ability to communicate and, despite her pleas (in both English and Korean) that she loves him and wants things to go back to the way they were…he says it’s too late and moves out of the house which, in the Lost world…means he moves to the beach. Hmm. Sounds like what Jimmy Cooper did on The O.C.

Fun. But then again, Locke hasn’t had his “Everyone gets a second chance on the island” pep talk with either Sun or Jin yet, so…be patient. They’ll get there.

Jin’s backstory this week didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, other than the fact that Jin turned into a jackassy social climber who was embarrassed of his father because…the guy’s a fisherman? Wait. That’s it? Your father-in-law wields his mighty fist of economic fury by beating the crap out of corporate and government officials and you’re ashamed of what your dad does? In a rather touching scene when Jin confesses all of this to his father, Papa Wisdom tells Jin to get his head out of his butt and realize that his wife and his marriage are more important than his responsibilities to Papa Korean Mafia.

See? This is what happens when you think people are wonderful and admirable just because they have money and power.

So now I’m understanding this a bit better. Sun was prepared to disappear to the United States while she and Jin were in Sydney to get away from her husband, and Jin was prepared to disappear to the United States with Sun to start their life together over and get away from Papa Korean Mafia. And of course, because these two have the world’s worst marital communication skills, neither one knew what the other was thinking so they hopped on a plane and crashed into an island.

Speaking of Korean soap operas, check out Tropical Nights in December. The family patriarch is a hoot. Of course, you can only see it in Hawaii and Korea but hey…if you’re ever in either one of those places…it’s an entertaining way to spend an hour.

Anyone else notice that Hurley was on the television set at the Minister of Expensive Pedigreed Pups’s house?

Sayid and Shannon mack, after Locke gives Shannon the Second Chance Pep Talk and tells her to basically quit giving Boone what he so desperately craves, which is Shannon’s attention. Duh.

Over a game of backgammon, Locke confesses to Walt that he knows Walt set the raft on fire. Walt’s been moving his whole life, doesn’t want to move anymore and…he likes the island. So does Locke. So does Sun, who, now that she’s at least temporarily free from her husband…can frolick on the beach in her bikini.

You go, girl.

I read that Rosemary’s ClaireBaby will be born during the season finale. Shocker.

Musings on last night’s episode of Lost:

1. I love Locke because, even if people are total jerks and jackasses to him, he doesn’t hold a grudge. He knows their anger really has nothing to do with him and instead of getting petty and indignant right back, he takes the moral high road and does what’s right.

Case in point: After Michael threatens Locke with bodily harm and death if he gets near Walt again, when Walt disappears it’s Locke who says, “Let’s go find your boy.” Then…Locke lets Michael play Alpha Male so he can rescue Walt. Good stuff.

2. I know kids sleep soundly, but you can’t tell me that in the real world, Walt wouldn’t have woken up, pointed at Sun and said, “Hey, the Korean lady speaks English!”

3. Jack needs to quit philosophizing and get back to doctoring. He’s better at that.

4. What Michael did…tossing Walt’s comic book into the fire…that was downright cruel. I don’t care if you gave your kid a truckful of hand-drawn masterpieces, you destroyed something that was important to him, which is no different than what your skanky ho ex did by keeping your son away from you for nine years. So there.

5. Although I can understand Boone’s surliness towards Shannon and his attempts to cut the proverbial strings with her, why has he all of a sudden turned into BwanaBoone (or MiniLocke, take your pick) with that Lord of the Flies look I’ve been waiting for, but never suspected from him?

6. Claire pops her pretty little blonde head in at the very end but, of course, we can’t tell if she’s still pregnant or not (well, I couldn’t…I was looking at her mucked-up face, not the rest of her body).

7. Next week is a repeat because, of course, we can’t hear about Claire’s Excellent Adventure until February sweeps have officially begun.

YAY!!

Shannon was eaten by the big, bad monster…just as I had hoped since the first episode!

Oh wait…no she wasn’t. Damn.

It drives me nuts how for fifty minutes, JJ Abrams can make Locke look like a complete freak and then wrap everything up in a nice bow at the end. We all nod our heads and say, “Ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” when what the Professor does eventually makes 100% sense. What I want to know is, which Webelo badge requires you to learn how to make hallucinogenic brain pastes? Just curious.

I’m dying to know what’s down there in Dr. Evil’s Escape Pod.

Favorite Lost moment last night? When Hurley was hassling Jin, telling him that everyone thought he could speak English, throwing in a cavalier, “Your wife is hot” comment…just to check. No response. You know Jin would have carved Hurley up and had himself a big ‘ol plate of protein had he understood that.

Two people now know that Sun speaks English, which means that Kate has someone else to confide in and burden with her backstory. Plus, they can talk about BOYS! Hee.

I watched three hours of ABC television last night. Three. Hours. Haven’t done that in years! Alias was fun and I always enjoy watching Wife Swap. You couldn’t pay me to go on that show. Ever. I like my life…I don’t need to go see if the grass is greener somewhere else.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

So I’m scanning the Lost recaplet over at Television Without Pity and I spy the term, “hallucinogenic mind paste.”

I said “hallucinogenic brain paste” in my post earlier today. We can’t all be thinking that much alike, can we?

{wiping the back of my head to see if there’s any goo on it}

I watched Lost last night…and half of Alias before I fell asleep. It’s not that it was boring, it was just that I’d had a glass of wine and I was tired…you know how it goes. I felt myself drifting off to sleep and was alert enough to record the last half, which I will watch sometime today.

You know, nothing says “romantic” like a romp in a fresh, cool body of water with a beautiful waterfall cascading down to it in the background…unless you’re frolicking underwater and spy two bodies, still latched into their plane seats. Nice way to start the show.

And gee…Kate turns out to be a Bad Guy who committed a mortal sin by screwing over Jack. After all he’s done for her…but hey, that’s the criminal mind for you…trust no one.

I have to ask though, has Rose been in any other episodes since the one early on in the season when she was catatonic on the beach, ignoring Jack’s pleas to take care of herself? I don’t remember having seen her, but that doesn’t mean anything…I just thought it was odd that she popped up out of nowhere and began playing Mama Bear, trying to instill faith in Claireless Charlie while adamant that her husband is still alive (maybe at the bottom of the pond?).

What else…hmm…oh yes, Shannon. I’m dying to hear her story, especially since she has perfect French pronounciation but can barely read it. Who knows, she could have learned to speak French by listening to “Lady Marmalade” like the rest of us did. I’m the other way around with Spanish…I can read it well but my diction leaves a lot to be desired. The UberHusband identified the song she was singing (from which the lyrics were written all over Danielle’s Magic Mystery Papers) as “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid (or the movie Shannon called, “The one with the fish”) to which he said, “But that didn’t come out sixteen years ago.” Um yeah…it did, honey. Released in 1989, but it was the very end of 1989 so…technically…it’s only 15 years old and kind of doesn’t gel with the distress call for sixteen years but now I’m just being picky.

Anyway, this has to be quick since I have a ton of work to do today. BUT…for some reason I blurted out, “Oceanic Airlines!” when Kate pulled that tiny plane out of the envelope. Don’t know why…but I couldn’t ignore the irony that the one thing she valued the most in the world is the one thing that also brought her world to a screeching halt.

Wow…what can one say about last night’s episode of Lost? I laughed…I cried…I yelled at the television screen for screwing with my emotions.

Damn you, JJ Abrams…damn you.

I’d already read yesterday that this would be a riveting episode but really, what episode isn’t? Last night’s episode picked up right where last week’s episode ended, with Hurley desperately trying to get Jack’s attention that Nahte Mor wasn’t on the passenger manifest.

Funny side note: some guy Google’d “Nahte Mor,” found last week’s Lost post and then posted it on ABC’s Lost message board so I had a big spike in traffic around 11 p.m. - LOL!

Anyway, Locke and Jack put one and two together and quickly determine that the last place anyone saw Ethan was near Claire and Charlie and…hey, they never came back, did they? Locke and Jack run frantically through the jungles of Oahu and locate Claire’s bag. Locke sees footprints and drag marks and quickly determines there must have been a struggle because, well, that’s what being the Regional Collections Supervisor for a box company will do for you - you can tell if people are struggling. I don’t know.

Locke and Jack get into a conversation of semantics with Locke saying, “Sayid said there were others” and Jack responding, “Sayid said we’re not alone.” Eh…potato, potahto. Jack says Sayid is injured and delirious…hey buddy, look where that kind of talk got you with Claire. She’s been kidnapped by Tom Cruise’s cousin and I don’t think that’s as sexy as it sounds. The ground has spoken and it told Jack to run off into the jungle by himself and into Jack’s Flashback Shack.

We cut to Jack in the OR, trying to save someone’s life. Daddy Dearest lurks in the background, ordering his son to call the time of death. “You do it,” he glares back.

Locke organizes a search party of himself, Jack, Kate and Boone. As they pack up though, Michael expresses interest in joining the search party after completely disregarding his son’s idea to utilize the best nose on the island…the dog’s. Duh. Michael’s more interested in proving what he can do. Gah. When Locke tells him that their party is already full and advises Michael to organize another party and head South…I chuckled because I expected Michael to go all jerky and blurt out something about The South and slavery and racism. But, he didn’t do it.

Back at Jack’s Flashback Shack, we learn the reason for Jack’s guilt over his father’s death. Basically, Jack’s responsible for the death of his dad’s career as well, which we kind of already knew. Dad went into the operating room that day “under the influence” and a conscientous nurse went and got Jack to step in. A terribly awkward, painful exchange takes place between Jack & Daddy Dearest. “How many drinks did you have at lunch, Dad?” Dad glares.

Jack’s been running in a circle like a 3-legged dog so it’s not tough for Kate and Locke to find him. However, Locke confesses that he’s been hunting and out walkabouting with Nahte Mor and nothing seemed “off.” When I heard this I thought…wait…what’s wrong with the Ominpotent One’s preydar? Locke couldn’t tell something was up? Locke then tells Jack to go back and be the doctor and let him be the hunter to which Jack replies, “Can we go now?”

Michael’s still pissy and complains to Hurley. He’s tired of being treated like a second-class citizen because “Mount Baldy can bag a bull boar.” Walt puts Michael in his place then Dad tells him not to listen to Locke…instead, stay with Hurley. There’s nothing like acting like an impudent child to get the respect of your child.

Locke and Boone find one of Charlie’s finger-gauze-thingies and Jack determines that he’s leaving a trail for them…but wait, there’s another trail! Kate pipes up that maybe a dummy trail is being set up…oops. Now everyone knows I know how to hide my movements. Boone & Locke head one way and Kate & Jack head the other.

Boone tells Locke a story of red shirts and Star Trek and the guy with the pointy ears and how the crew guys always wore red shirts…and they always got killed. “Sounds like a piss-poor captain,” Locke says to Boone’s amusement. Boone asks Locke what he does in the real world. “It’s John,” Locke says…so now I just have to call him Mr. Big. This is where Locke reveals that he used to kick the crap out of printers at Initech as a Regional Collections Supervisor. Boone doesn’t buy it, because this guy is way too savvy to have such a dorky job. “Yeah, right,” Boone mutters.

Jack is just in a mood today. He’s picking fights with Locke and now he’s harping on Kate for a little honesty. Hey kettle, meet pot. Someone should really prescribe Jack something for his anxiety. He wants to hear something “real” so Kate tells the story of her father who was stationed at Fort Lewis…Washington…they’d go hiking together…being in the woods was his religion. There. Your turn, Dr. Jack.

Meanwhile, over at Jack’s Flashback Shack, Dad has drafted the “offical report” on what happened in the operating room, which Daddy Dearest proclaims “the truth.” Jack has a serious internal struggle between doing what is right and protecting his father. What aggravated me about this scene was that once Dad realized Jack was right, Dad started backpedaling and trying to become a Model Father. He played up his Father of the Year qualities and that his son was one of the most gifted surgeons in the city because of everything Dad did, philosophizing about the “greater good” and his son’s extraordinary skills. Suck-up. Man, what a low point for Dad. You know the only reason Dad is saying all of these nice things is to save his own ass. Jack takes the bait because he’s waited his whole life to have Dad do something nice…and signs the statement. “This isn’t just my career, Jack. This is my life.” What a horrible position for a parent to put his child in. Grrr.

Sawyer finds out from Michael that Sayid’s back at camp and ignorantly calls him a Islam. Sweet. Sayid’s his own religion! Sayid expresses his regret at what, um, “transpired” and announces that he was taken prisoner by the French woman. Sayid tells his tale and Sawyer confesses to having kept the signal fire burning. Hmm.

Boone…snicker, snicker…runs a division of his mom’s bridal company and mom is, “The Martha Stewart of matrimony.” Odd, but I always thought Martha Stewart was the Martha Stewart of matrimony. Ha. Locke announces it’s going to rain in one minute. Damn if he’s not right. Boone & Locke continue on their merry way through the torrential downpour (“And that’s exactly what it looks like when it rains on the North Shore,” -UberHusband).

Back in the Totally Opposite Direction, Jack hears echoing Claire screams. He starts climbing up the mountain, Kate in tow then careens back down the mountain Romancing the Stone-style. Once at the bottom, Nahte Mor towers over him and tells him to quit following him or he’ll kill one of them. Then he kicks the crap out of Jack…in the gut, in the gut again…then in the head. Ouch. Kate doesn’t believe Jack that Nahte Rom was there and thinks he’s just taken a nasty fall.

During our final trip to Jack’s Flashback Shack, Daddy Dearest explains to the Review Board or something to that affect that the woman’s death was unavoidable…that when he arrived, the damage had been done. Turns out the woman also was pregnant…which Dr. Jack didn’t know and nailed the proverbial nail in the coffin (sorry, bad pun) for Jack. Not only had his father screwed him over, but he had continued to lie to him. The buck. Stops. Here. “I’d like to…revise my statement.”

“I didn’t come into the OR until well into the procedure. I was…warned, by one of the nurses, that my father was operating…under the influence. By the time I got there it was clear that my father was not only incapacitated, but that he had also severed the patient’s hepatic artery which in my professional opinion, caused the crisis which led to her death.”

The next scene was so hard for me. Kate and Jack come upon Charlie, hanging from a tree. He’s blindfolded and not moving. My jaw dropped open and I can’t begin to describe how I felt, what with the ominous music and the fact that Charlie wasn’t breathing. Jack gives him mouth-to-mouth and performs CPR and yells at Charlie to breathe. Nothing. Kate starts to cry. Ominous music shifts to sad music. Jack starts pounding on Charlie’s chest yelling, “COME ON! COME ON CHARLIE, COME ON!” I’m not kidding…I was thisclose to crying but thought if I did, that would mean he was really gone and I could not believe they’d off Charlie. Seriously. I don’t care if he’s come to grips with whatever was unfinished in his past and for all you purgatory theory fans out there, that would mean it was time for him to move on. I’m. Not. Ready.

Kate tells Jack to stop…that Charlie’s not coming back. Sad music shifts to…acceptance music? Jack’s not satisfied though, and starts pounding on Charlie’s chest again and sonofabitch, Charlie comes back to life! HOLY CRAP! Hopeful music! Everyone’s crying and darnit, so am I.

Charlie & Kate return to Camp Fuselage with Charlie, but Charlie’s not talking. Michael comes back from what I suspect was an uneventful trip South and asks if they found Claire. Hurley nods his head no. Jack pleads with Charlie to tell him what he remembers…where they were going…what he heard or saw. Charlie didn’t see or hear anything, though. “I don’t remember…anything. Claire. That’s all they wanted. All they wanted was Claire.” Of course, because she’s carrying Rosemary’s ClaireBaby.

Shannon is worried about Boone and Kate reassures her that Boone is safe with Locke, but I’m suspicious. I don’t know why…but I am.

Boone’s tired so he says he’s gonna head back to camp. Mr. Big tosses Boone the flashlight but completely misses Boone’s hand and instead, the flashlight lands with a steel thud on…something made of steel. What is it? Too bad, so sad…we have to wait until January to find out! Mwa ha ha!

Michael tipped me off that tonight’s episode of Lost will be the last new episode of the year.

This is good news…and bad news. The bad news (always give the bad news first…finish on a positive note) is that I’ll have to go without my favorite show for a few weeks.

The good news? The article claims that ABC will rerun previous episodes so maybe I’ll finally be able to see the one I so tragically missed. I’ll also get a much-needed opportunity to recharge my recap batteries. That’s always a good thing.

If you feel you can’t go through the next month without Lost however, be sure to check out the Oceanica Airlines gear over at Glarkware. Oceanica Airlines - getting halfway there is all of the fun!

Ha.

I read in my latest issue of Entertainment Weekly that the stars of Lost have no idea what’s happening with their characters each week. Whew. I thought it was just me struggling through each episode’s disjointed plotlines and sporadic character development. It’s either brilliant or incredibly derivative. I’ll stick with brilliant.

A pretty blue eye opens. It’s Claire’s story this week. She has a vividly disturbing dream that involves a crib filled with bloody sheets, a baby crying and…Locke. I know he’s in all my nightmares. She wakes up screaming…loudly…ebulliently…and when Claire insists the whole incident was no big deal, Dr. Jack explains that if you’re clenching your hands so tightly in a fist that you dig your nails 1/4″ into your skin, you’re probably not dreaming about ponies.

Then, she’s attacked by someone with a syringe of some sort aimed straight for the Wee One. She swears the experience was real but Dr. Jack prescribes her a sedative and tells her to calm down because you know those pregnant women…they cry at the drop of a hat and overreact to everything! Personally, I thought it was Danielle trying to reclaim the memory of her lost kid.

Thank God she didn’t turn out to be a crack whore. Actually, Claire was (is?) a lovely young woman who gets pregnant and is assured by her boyfriend that he won’t leave her and they’ll raise their baby in domestic bliss together. Fast-forward three months and NotSoUberBoyfriend comes home whining and complaining about how his life is ruined and he can’t paint and “What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Gah. Too bad, so sad.

When Claire found out she was pregnant, she and a friend went to visit a psychic (man, they must make good money…nice house) and the psychic was so disturbed by what he saw that he threw Claire’s friend, Claire and her money out. After NotSoUberBoyfriend breaks up with Claire, she again visited the psychic, who told her that no one could raise the child but her. But. Her. Did you hear me? No one can raise the baby BUT HER. Alternate title for this post? Rosemary’s ClaireBaby. He’s serious. She tells him that she’s putting the baby up for adoption and he proceeds to stalk her for the next four months telling her the baby is in grave danger if he is raised by anyone else But. Her. He also claims to have a plan. Where have you heard that before?

We cut to Claire in a conference room with the future adoptive parents but wouldn’t you know it, she can’t seem to find a pen that works so she can sign the papers. Omen! Foreshadowing! Run, don’t walk…and don’t let that lady sing your baby any lullabies! Claire changes her mind and then shows up on the psychic’s doorstep and wants to know what his plan is. Now he doesn’t want to help her and she begs and pleads until he says he has found an adoptive family that will take care of her baby. The couple is in Los Angeles and she has to board this specific flight tomorrow…Oceanic. 815. Don’t miss the flight. It has to be this flight.

After going through false labor and some trust-building with Charlie, Claire tells him this story and it dawns on them - dum dum dum DUM! - the psychic knew about the plane crash. But, was the baby going to be Rosemary’s ClaireBaby if she didn’t crash into an island? I don’t get the significance of her being there…not yet. Don’t explain it to me, I like living in my fog of altered Lost reality.

After Claire’s alleged assault, Hurley (”That’s not even my real name!”) decides to start asking people about who they are, where they’re from…you know, create a census and start keeping track of folks. He procures the flight manifest from Sawyer…that guy’s a regular Wal-Mart with all of his goods (”Always the low price. Always.”). What a surly bunch, not wanting to divulge too much information about themselves.

We meet a guy named Ethan Rom, who looks like a cross between Will Forte and Ron Reagan, Jr. and I’m sure if you rearrange the letters in his name it spells something of significance. He’s charming enough, but when Charlie tells him to go find Jack because Claire’s in labor, he leaves and never comes back. In the big picture, this was no biggie because her labor pains subsided. Originally, I thought that was just a loose end that didn’t get tied up but…I should have known better. There are no loose ends on this show. Period.

Sayid dramatically reappears at Camp Fuselage, limping and declaring they’re not alone. That’s when Hurley shows up and announces that he polled one person that wasn’t on the passenger manifest. That’s right. It’s Mor Nahte. Danielle was right on the mark.

D’oh.

Next week, Hell breaks loose!

Okay, so that’s not what the Mysterious French Woman was saying in the 16-year-old distress call on Lost, but it sure made for a good title!

For half a second I thought Sayid had walked into another one of Locke’s boar traps when he was strung up like a side of beef at a butcher shop but alas, that was not the case. He was subjected however, to the shock torture, involuntary sedation and rather unattractiveness (she looked like what I would imagine Howard Stern would look like if he were a chick) of the Mysterious French Woman…Danielle. Then…he volunteers to fix her music box, and actually does it! Well, color me happy and call him MacGyver! Where was this guy when my Pretty Pink Princess music box went kapooey in the first grade? Bygones.

Danielle provides a lot of words but little meaning, mostly about “them” and “the others” and “God, you’re hot…and I’ve been alone for sixteen years without male companionship.” Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but you just know she was thinking it. She doesn’t divulge much, but Sayid sure is free with the stories and explanations regarding the photo of a beautiful young woman he’s carting around.

He was indeed in the Republican Army, where his job was to play Bad Cop/Executioner Cop with traitors. That’s all good and well until a childhood friend, Nadia, is put in front of him for possible involvement in a bombing. Nadia knows that being a bad-ass isn’t in Sayid’s true nature, because she bullied him when they were little. Hee. He drags out her interrogation for a month and, when finally instructed to execute her because she isn’t giving up any information, he shoots who I assumed was his Commanding Officer, then himself so Nadia can get away.

But…no explanation as to why he was in Australia and why he got on the plane that ultimately crashed him into a deserted island. They haven’t been explaining that for people lately and it’s becoming a bit…unnerving. I want to know!

Ultimately, after going gun-to-gun, Danielle declines Sayid’s requests to come join the rest of the group for a rockin’ good time. She warns him to be very careful around his campmates. And with that, Sayid leaves to rejoin “the others.”

In other Camp Fuselage news, Hurley hits paydirt when he happens upon a set of golf clubs and creates a 2-hole, 3-par golf course with a sweeping vista of the ocean, and delivers the best oration so far in the show (IMO) to a skeptical Jack, Charlie and Michael, who think creating fun diversions is a waste of time when PEOPLE MIGHT BE DYING SOMETIME SOON!

“Rich idiots fly to tropical islands all the time to whack balls around. Dudes…our lives suck. Everyone’s nerves are stretched to the max. I mean, we’re lost on an island! Running from boars…and monsters…freakin’ polar bears!”

Michael: Polar bears?

Charlie: You didn’t hear about the polar bear?

“Look…all I’m saying is if we’re stuck here, then just surviving ain’t gonna cut it. We need some kind of relief, you know? We need some way to…you know…have fun! That’s right…fun…or lese we’re going to go crazy waiting for the next bad thing to happen.”

So, Salvation Golf & Country Club is born and we observe several new campmates trying to integrate themselves in with the Cool Kids. Call me an elitist, but I like my little clique…even Sawyer, the outcast, who now appears to be trying to fit in with the others. I don’t want to get to know the rest of the castaways. Let them go hang out with Danielle.

Next week, after 124 months of pregnancy, it looks like Claire may be giving birth to what I can only assume will be Rosemary’s Baby.

This week it was Sawyer’s “turn” on Lost. Now I don’t know about you, but when I travel for business I tend to leave the $140,000 in cash at home rather than in my briefcase, but that’s because I’m not in Sawyer’s line of business. He’s a con man.

Big surprise.

Sawyer’s con is that he likes to rip off unsuspecting married couples. He wines and dines the women, shows them a “few new tricks between the sheets” and then by some grace of God, they’re so infatuated they convince their husbands into handing Sawyership Down all of their money for some “big oil deal”. His last gig though, he discovers, involves a child so he quickly backs out of the deal, much to the dismay of the husband who probably promised his wife he’d do the dishes for the next ten years if she’d PLEASE go through with the get-rich-quick scheme so he could get his new Hummer.

Ah…but here’s the rub. Sawyer has a letter from a child, basically blaming him for the death of his parents. Dad was so upset that Mom had lost his money to this smarmy con artist and so distraught over basically the collapse of their life, that he killed Mom, then killed himself. Sawyer shows this letter to Kate and all of a sudden we get what the deal is…he’s on the island to pay some sort of restitution for all the hell and chaos he caused on the Mainland. Not…quite.

Kate notices the postmark is from 1976…and the letter isn’t to Sawyer, it’s from him. Sawyer’s not even his real name. His parents were the ones to die the grisly deaths and wouldn’t you know it…the disruptive con from his youth was named…drumroll please…Sawyer. So, Sawyer turned into the monster from his youth. Eh. That’s the best J.J. Abrams could do? Boo.

This story didn’t really tell me much…although I’m always open to other perspectives. He’s a jerk, but now he’s a jerk with a painful past. This week’s Jerk Move Du Jour was leading all of Camp Fuselage to believe that he had Shannon’s asthma inhaler and then manipulating (or trying to) various folks to get what he wants in exchange for what they want. Same gig, different locale. Unfortunately for Sawyer, it got him a few reeds up his fingernails. The best quote came from Sayid, after Jack questioned his military skills as a training officer and their usefulness with Sawyer, “Part of my training was getting the enemy to communicate.” Hee.

After, um, “getting Sawyer to communicate,” Sawyer cries for mercy and says he’ll tell them where the inhaler is if he can get a kiss from Kate. Kiss Me Kate. I just realized how funny that sounds. Anyway, dude, you’re still hung up on that? Let. It. Go. But, Kate’s all for taking one for the team if it means she can help so she gives Sawyer not one, not two, not three but FOUR kisses…with tongue involved! What’s that you say, Sawyer? You don’t have the asthma inhaler after all? Neener neener. Grrrr. Grrrr.

Not to panic, though…yes, Shannon did have an asthma attack and it was full of all the drama and panic you’d expect from The Blonde One. The UberHusband commented, “It’s just time to kill and eat her.” SuperJack helped Shannon through her attack by telling her to calm down, and Sun also helped by concocting a eucalyptus homeopathic remedy. Good going there, girlfriend…despite your suspicious husband who always thinks you’re doing something wrong.

In other Camp Fuselage news, Claire finally reappeared with a raging peanut butter craving! Charlie, I guess past the tough part of his rehab, tries to hunt some down and goes straight for Hurley. Charlie makes an awkward comment to him about hiding food (”I mean, look at you!”) and then thinks better since Hurley could squash Charlie in two seconds. Shut up there, lil’ buddy. With no peanut butter, Charlie finds an empty jar and tries to convince Claire that it’s full of yummy creamy peanut butter. It really was a cute scene…and made me want peanut butter.

After going medieval on Sawyer’s ass, Sayid decided he was becoming what he said he’d never be again, so he decided he needed some “me time” and took off to map out the island. See ya pal, was nice knowing you. {wink}

When the show was over, I was looking for my asthma inhaler and couldn’t find it. I started to panic, which made it worse. I calmed down, relaxed and…the attack subsided. Thanks, Dr. Jack!

I find it interesting that the post 8 a.m. Lost recaps over at TV Guide Online always seem to sound like mine…but I guess Doc Abrams’ obvious symbolism knocks other people over, as well. {wink}

I’m not sure if I’m still rummy from all the hoopla of the past few days or if last night’s episode of Lost wasn’t it’s usual all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips, but I’m rather…uninspired by it.

No eye-opening intro. Damn. We already knew Charlie was a crackhead in a rock band, so should I have been surprised that he had a brother and partner in crack named Liam? How did Charlie wind up on Oceanic? He appeared on Liam’s front doorstep, some time after the preceding flashback of Charlie’s descent into chaos and now…whaaaaaaa?…Liam’s a straight-laced family man? I didn’t recognize him without a skanky roadie attached to his crotch and a bottle of Jack in his hand. Whatever. Charlie says they’re getting the band back together and Liam needs to join him on their fifteenth comeback tour because, if he doesn’t, the tour’s off and Charlie will have to go back to Middle Earth.

Liam declines, saying he left the band and then, in a terribly condescending “I’m your big brother and I care” tone, asks if Liam’s still “using”. Charlie gets defensive (To quote Dr. Phil, “It’s the drugs talking.”), dismisses Liam’s pleas that he stick around in Sydney to enroll in one of their world-class drug rehab clinics, then hops his flight to LA (via Singapore, as we learned last week) and crashes into an island. How’s that workin’ for ya?

Holy Korean laundry, Batman…Sun speaks English!

In my weekly Lost quest to decipher the “twist of fate” that found each of our poor castaways at Camp Fuselage (which isn’t tough to do), Sun’s was pretty easy to figure out. Young and in love with Jin, Jin sells his soul to Sun’s devil father so he can marry her. Over the years, the once-romantic man she married grows angry, bitter and comes home covered with blood giving her this cockamamie story about how he “has” to do whatever her father says so they can be together. That’s the thing buddy…you’re never together.

Determined to leave a loveless marriage and get out from under Daddy’s stranglehold (Lord, what does that guy do?), she learns English and has a plan to “disappear” from the airport…the Sydney airport…at 11:15 a.m. She’s just supposed to walk out, get in the waiting car and…disappear. Once everyone thinks she’s dead, she’s free to move about the cabin. But, Sun has a last-minute change of heart when her husband smiles at her in the terminal and shows her a flower…the same one he used to woo her in his poor, scrupulous and drink-passing past…and she decides to stay with him and crash into an island. Awww.

That airport scene was confusing to me for a couple of reasons. First, in the flashback, Sun & Jin’s apartment looked like the same apartment they had in Singapore, but…uh…they were in Sydney? Secondly, the loudspeaker was announcing the final boarding for the Oceanic flight to…Singapore. I thought they were on their way to LA? Maybe LA via Singapore?

I swear, this television show is like one of those books we had to read in high school…The Scarlet Letter or A Separate Peace. You know the symbolism is there…and the obvious symbols are easy but then you start looking at everything as a symbol. That vertical scar over Locke’s right eye…that’s gotta mean something. Maybe it’s sort of pointing up and down…like to Heaven or Hell? The dog is a boy dog…what’s the significance of that? Plenty of bitches on the island already? Sawyer was reading Watership Down in last week’s episode…why, why, WHY? That’s probably just J.J. Abrams screwing with my head but…still. The great thing is that after 45 seconds of The Bachelor, my brain is back to it’s normal, uninvolved self. Way to go, ABC!

What’s frustrating at this point about Jin is that, even stranded on an island he still bears some abnormal allegiance to Sun’s father. Michael happens upon a $20,000 Rolex and puts it on his wrist…why, I don’t know. Time is of little importance so I guess he was just looking for a little bling to brighten up his daily routine of pacing the beach, pestering his kid and sharpening that chip on his shoulder with his ever-present ax. Out of nowhere, Jin tackles Michael and beats the crap out of him before Sayid and Sawyer step in and break up the fight. They take Marshall Shrapnel’s handcuffs and put Jin under house arrest until someone can learn Korean and communicate with them. Wander around the island long enough, and you’ll probably find a Korean-English phrase book. How do you say, “We’re screwed and no one is going to save us so get over yourself, already?” We already know how to say it in French.

But, turns out we don’t need a translator because Sun confesses to Michael via a very clear, “I need to talk to you,” that she speaks English. She explains that Michael’s new bling belonged to Sun’s father and Jin’s a little sensitive about allegiance and loyalty…blah blah blah. Well, if the watch was that important I probably would have had it surgically attached to my wrist. Problem solved.

Michael takes his ax (which he’s been grinding quite efficiently) and hacks the chain on Jin’s cuffs, then yells at him to stay away from him and his kid. Um…buddy, he doesn’t understand you. And by the way…what are you doing destroying the handcuffs? Now you can’t re-use the stupid cuffs when Hurley goes all Lord of the Flies. You know he will.

In other camp news, Locke facilitates Charlie’s rehab efforts with more mumbo-jumbo about the island being magical and if you build it, your guitar will come. We have a Sayid/Jack smackdown battle over whether the campers should relocate to the caves where there’s water, it’s cooler and probably safer or…stay on the beach and get dehydrated and sunburned but, on the .00000000001% chance that someone happens to happen by, they’ll be there ready to yell, “Help!” The show ends with the saps on the beach looking a lot less happy than the folks in the newly incorporated United States of AmeriJack. I also didn’t see Claire the entire episode…she’s 15 months’ pregnant…can someone go check on her?

I’m waiting for the episode where the focus is on the dog and why he got stuck on the island. Imagine…the show opens…a yellow lab eye opens and we see the events that led up to his fateful Oceanic flight. Or, they’ll just show us Walt’s story. That’ll work too.

What do you all think? Is the format still working? Whose story do you really want to know about? Now that we’ve seen Sun’s story, I want to know what the deal is with Jin. Who else am I curious about…Claire. She’s so sweet and cute and charming, she was probably a skanky crack whore in Sydney. I’d hate that but, since everyone is turning out to be completely different than what you’d expect…I’m probably not too far off base.

I think I’ve figured out what it is specifically about Lost that gives me the willies…and causes me to beg my husband to not be away on business on Wednesday nights…because the show scares me…especially when it’s dark outside. The Bachelor scares me too, but in a different, more manageable way (anyone see that train wreck of a slumber party last night? Glad Mary, Queen of Tots is still around).

It’s the music. Lost has that intense, head-pounding score that indeed, makes my head pound. At the end of each episode I have this odd feeling that I, too am trapped on a surreal, mystical desert island with an eclectic mix of people and odd supernatural goings-on. Oh wait, I do. I live in a Dallas suburb. Hee.

As is de rigeur for each episode now, we focus primarily on one character. This time, it was Jack’s turn…Jack…de facto leader and accidental savior of Camp Fuselage. Turns out, Jacko isn’t the calm, cool, collected, confident guy we thought he was. Jack grew up with a troubled father, a distracted mother (Veronica Hamel!) and the mindset that he wasn’t good enough to do anything drilled into his head, what appeared to be every day. Sheesh…the guy made it through medical school…that’s got to count for something.

Anyhoo…Jack’s dad goes off on one of his habitual mental health sabbaticals, this time to Australia, and Mommie Dearest commands Jack to go get him and bring him home. We discover Jack’s dad had a heart attack and you just know a lot went unsaid between those two, because poor Jack wasn’t raised with the guts to tell his father off. One thing I love about Lost is how it ever so subtly points out to the audience that if not for a twist of fate, all of these people would have been on a different plane. Last week, because Locke was rejected from the Walkabout, he was on his way home early. This week, the ticketing agent at Oceanic didn’t want to let Jack and his Undocumented Dead Dad on the plane and suggested, “Perhaps another carrier…” might be able to accomodate them. Nooooooooooooooo…Jack wants to fly Oceanic and he wants to fly it now.

The guy that Jack keeps seeing…on the end of the beach, in the waves…that’s his dad. At one point, Jack starts chasing Dad through the jungle, slips and falls and is hanging off a cliff when Locke just happens to wander by (small island?) and saves our fair hero. I know folks think Locke is creepy, but he knows what the deal is on the island…and we’re starting to clue in, as well. Camp Fuselage is where you come to grips with the misery in your life…and you either triumph over it or you don’t. Locke tells Jack that everyone is looking to him to be the leader, whether he likes it or not…so it’s time to step up and assume the role. First though, Jack has to figure out what he’s chasing. After another sprint through the jungle (or the Turtle Bay Resort, as I’ve discovered…beautiful hotel, by the way…I’ve been there) Jack happens upon a fresh water spring (good thing, since the camp’s out of water) and Dad’s coffin. No dad, though. Oooooooooooh. {wiggling Halloween fingers} Jack beats the crap out of the coffin, gets out 38 years of pent-up anger and hostility and frustration…then pulls it back together and comes back to the beach.

He tells everyone that it’s unlikely anyone is coming to get them so it’s time to get organized and settle in. Yay! Can you take the blunt object you used to turn Dad’s coffin into firewood and knock Sawyer around a bit? Thanks so much.

What did you all think of last night’s episode?