Yeah, so it’s been one of those days. I had to drive half an hour to Presby of Plano for a followup to My Very First Mammogram last month (don’t worry, everything’s good) which took about three hours total…then I had to run up to my orthopedist’s office because that stupid bursitis in my hip doesn’t seem to be resolving itself (don’t worry, anti-inflammatories and physical therapy should make everything good) and now there’s this huge firestorm at work…ugh.

But, I had to blog today. Those are the rules. I’ll sacrifice precious lunch-eating time though, to bring up the topic of Jenninate on last night’s episode of The Amazing Race. Who’d have thought Thai food came from Taiwan? Maybe Miss Teen South Carolina was right, and there really are people out there who can’t afford maps…or whatever hooey it was she said regarding maps.

In case you’ve ever wondered what Capt. UberHusband and Snarkwife do on their anniversaries…well this year, we’re headed downtown for a romantic weekend which will include, but is not limited to, wine tasting, dog-free merriment and…textbook reading. Hey, the semester doesn’t stop just because we’re doing something fun. The capstone will be a romantic en-suite dinner on Sunday evening while we watch the season finale of The Amazing Race! We rock!

I don’t say this very often…but I had a great weekend. Now, that’s not to say I generally have bad weekends, it’s just that usually we’re busy doing something (or feel like we should be busy doing something) and then I turn around and it’s Sunday night…and I kind of feel like I got ripped off in terms of weekend fun. With school starting back up again next weekend, I need to pull it together and get into a good routine and invest in cultivating better habits.

Having said that…

(more…)

Previously on The Amazing Race, Father-of-the-Year Ronald inspired his daughter (and us) with his motivational haranguing, I saw way more of Grampa Underbritches than I ever hoped to (even in my wildest dreams), and married ministers Kate and Pat finished last because from what I’ve heard, that’s what nice girls do.

Nine teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

(more…)

We were watching The Amazing Race earlier, and I do believe Ronald, disengaged and formerly absent father to Christina, is quite possibly the most annoying man to grace the show since Jonathan Baker. No joke.

First off, Ronald won’t shut up - and secondly, he’s just downright cruel to his daughter. Kind of makes me want to kick him in his self-righteous nuts a couple dozen times, you know? After the premiere last week, I figured this season’s Resident Jerkwad would be one of the guys on one of the “dating” teams. Little did I know it was the guy who isn’t particularly loud, but what he says packs just as uncomfortable a punch.

The Pink Gothies are growing on me (although the makeup looked a little worse for wear in the second leg…), Grandpa & Grandson are showing they truly have no reason to be on the show (nice underbritches there, Grandpa), and I’m still loving Hank Azaria. Not impressing me…the Non-Real Non-Housewives of Los Angeles County. Maybe they’re waiting for the Detour where they can choose between a manicure and a pedicure…who knows.

Nevertheless, CU and I are feeling nostalgic for the Good Old Days, when teams showed up to the Pit Stop and got all oogly-googly excited about their Kodak EasyShare Camera. Such as simpler time.

Speaking of simpler times…what if 24 happened in 1994?

Listening to: I Drove All Night - Cyndi Lauper

It’s just another Fall weekend afternoon here at Casa de Snark. I’m sitting here at my new and improved laptop (Leopard is quite cool, kind of like having a new computer) switching back and forth between responding to my marketing class’s online “discussion forum” (the topic this week: pick a Hummer commercial and talk about the MarCom objectives, and what Cialdini influences are used…oh boy) and hitting the “Update” button on our Ops Management simulation. I swear, this simulation is like crack cocaine…only less…illegal. The last time I was this obsessed with hitting an update button, I was trying to win a copy of Office ‘04 on eBay.

Did I mention my team was in first place? That’s right, we’re ahead of every other team by a cool $41k.

Today is one of those days I just love. I can look out my office window and watch the leaves falling, and see the sun lower in the sky today than it was…well, at this time yesterday. It’s not quite sweater weather here in north Texas yet, but that’s fine by me. This is that fantastically wonderful time of year in Texas when it’s not too hot, but not too cold…all you need is a light jacket…in the evening.

How have all of your weekends been? I’m about to head out to return some shoes to DSW, some jammies to Gap Body and the have dinner with her. Funny, the last time I saw her was on my birthday last year. Can’t believe it’s been a year, especially since our Hawaiian vacations in September were so close to overlapping.

Then…it’s back home to watch The Amazing Race. Holy crap, I can’t even contain my excitement!

Yeah, I know I haven’t posted in awhile…I’ve started about half a dozen posts and in the end, they all end up sounding really lame so they’ve been scrapped.

To tide ya’ll over though…at least until my Marketing class ends and I get some semblance of a life back, how about a little Amazing Race fantasy game action over at Fafarazzi?

For those of you not involved in Fafarazzi, this could be a great opportunity to get involved…and can I just say, yours truly had a hand in determining some scoring rules…

• 1 point - Hugging Phil at the Pit Stop mat
• -2 points - Both teammates fail to drive a manual car (stick shift)

Heh. And now of course, I’m waiting to see how many people hit my site with the keywords “Amazing Race Phil Fantasy.” Just you wait.

Thanks, Jill…for providing this Amazing Race breaking news!

Thanks also to CBS, for putting it in a time slot that isn’t already booked for me.

Once again, for the 32nd consecutive season…the team I want to win The Amazing Race doesn’t win. AARGH! CU and I have been gunning for KandyDust to win since, oh, episode three or four…but victory was not to be theirs last night. I would have preferred Charla and Mirna win if KandyDust wasn’t going to do it…but Eric and Danielle? Really?

As usual, the high point of the episode for me was when they went to Hawaii, because CU and I like to incorporate visiting Amazing Task Locations during our trips there. The only location on Oahu this time though, was the Hamaka Air Hangar, and we went there back in February of ‘05. Who knows, maybe this next trip we’ll helicopter over to Lanai.

In other weekend news…we took Cookie back to the vet on Friday, because we stopped her meds on Wednesday and she coughed all night Thursday. Our vet confirmed what we already knew really, that Cookie’s in the beginning (we hope) stages of heart failure. What this means is we keep her on the meds (enalapril and furosemide), twice a day, for the rest of her life. I am truly amazed at the power of medications - she hasn’t coughed, her heart and breathing rates are where they should be (How did I not know what was “normal” for the first ten years of her life?) and, the best part? She’s back on puppy food. Cookie’s always been skinny but in the last six months or so, she’s gotten downright bony.

What else…school started over the weekend. What they say about online classes is true…you definitely spend more time working on them, if for no other reason than you’re pretty much forced to interact with your fellow classmates via threaded discussions. I probably learned more about my 20 classmates in the last two days than I did about any of my fellow classmates in my undergrad classes.

But, Org Behavior is going to be a kick. I really enjoy analyzing people and their behaviors and discussing what facilitates positive outputs…and God knows I have enough case studies at my company…it’s like Christmas in May!

Listen to me…”facilitates positive outputs.” Sigh. I can’t write things like that without thinking of my high school English teachers, who used to get on me for overuse of “flowery” language.

I decided to wait until noon-ish to talk about The Amazing Race, to give Joyce and Uchenna a chance to catch up to the rest of the world.

Lordy…how ugly was that? Last night’s episode started out innocently enough…leave Krakow, go to Kuala Lumpur. Seems easy enough, right? Wrong. CU and I got into a mildly heated discussion about when you should take a very big risk, and when you shouldn’t. He tends to lean towards risk…I on the other hand, am incredibly risk-averse.

For example, if I am in a race to win a million dollars…and I have fifteen minutes of wiggle room…I’m the one who will shake her head and say, “I dunno…what if we miss our connecting flight? What if we hit the jet stream and are taken 500 miles off course and come in 35 minutes late? What if the captain goes all wiggy, starts cursing at us, and our flight is cancelled? Then, we’ll show up 12 hours late and bloggers everywhere will make fun of us.”

(more…)

I have a really low tolerance for whiners. Now, sometimes whining is justified as a means of blowing off steam, or just getting some negative emotions out about a really bad situation…but that’s not the kind of whining I’m talking about.

Oh, no.

I’m talking about the kind of whining you do when, say, your height-challenged partner on The Amazing Race is about 1/10th the size of the rather imposing animal standing next to her, is having difficulty maneuvering said animal because, oh, I don’t know, she’s wearing a suit of armor…and you…you have the audacity to gripe in the car that you do everything.

I believe it was about this stage of the race the last time Charla & Mirna were on the show, when I wanted to figure out a way to somehow crawl into the television, pin Mirna down and just let Charla go at her with some sort of native torture device from the country of {wherever they are that week}.

(more…)

So…you all enjoying how it’s still pitch-black outside at 7:30 this morning?

When I was watching Rahb & Ambuh struggle through the Detour last night on The Amazing Race, I was reminded of that episode of The Simpsons when Milhouse gives Lisa that valentine…the “I Choo-Choo-Choose You” episode.

Lisa publicly humiliates and rejects Milhouse at a televised Krusty Krustacular Special, and while watching the recorded event later, Bart says, “Look Lisa. You can pinpoint the exact moment Milhouse’s heart rips in two.”

That moment for me last night, was when The Amazing Producers cleverly edited in, “I hope we didn’t misspell anything,” all the while repeatedly cutting back to the one directional board which read “Phillipeans” instead of “Philippines,” while they try to rearrange all of the destinations on the pole like a frantic episode of The Price is Right because it never occurs to them to check the spelling.

Yeah.

While the entire field of teams flip-flopped from how they arrived at the Pit Stop last week, we were also treated to the reintroduction of Mirna’s whistle, which has become Team Jellystone’s third teammate, effectively replacing Rebecca’s Burberry visor as my new favorite Amazing Accessory. Not only can it hail cabs, but it can also irritate the bejeezers out of neighboring teams and beckon local dogs!

While we’re talking about Yogi and Boo Boo…their “exchange of friendly team banter” while Mirna was yelling at Charla for, I don’t know, being too short and too weak and too slow and for the love of God Charla, do I have to bail you out of everything all the time, prompted this week’s Amazing Quote…spoken for the first time by someone other than a TAR team:

“I think all of the teams should also get a loaded gun with one bullet. If you feel the need during the race, you can take out your teammate.” - Capt. UberHusband

Some other quoteworthy Mirnaisms…”I’m a lawyer, so I can tell when people are lying” and…”Charla obviously wants to contribute, but I do more than any one single person has probably ever had to do on the Race to compensate for any shortcomings that we have.” Hey Mirna…if I recall, it was Charla who hauled the side of beef and it was also Charla who hauled the pole (which was roughly 8x her height) up that neverending set of steps…so, shut it, bellissima.
(more…)

Watch Cookie dig through CU’s bag…

And holy moley…I totally forgot The Amazing Race was on tonight. Oopsie. Guess I’ll be watching that tomorrow morning.

Tara and Wil…they were the ones who came in second in season two of The Amazing Race. CU and I were trying to remember who that annoying team was all last night, and I swore I would not look it up…I would wait until the name came to me. And it did. Fifteen seconds ago.

I’ll tell you up-front…as fun as the teams are this season, this episode…I thought…was pretty boring. Even the exciting music couldn’t really change the fact most of the episode was spent driving to the airport, and driving to Cotopaxi National Park. Plus, they all spent so much time being nice to each other, it didn’t provide for any truly quality snark.

As is de rigeur, Phil greets us from an exotic location…Miami. Our Amazing All-Star Teams jet in on power boats with fancy camera work and boat waves aplenty to punctuate what an exciting beginning this is! No, really! Phil states these eleven teams are the “best of the best”, which is Amazing Code for, “These are the only teams who (a) said they’d subject themselves to all of this insanity a second time and (b) are still on speaking terms.”

Kevin & Drew: Lifelong friends from New York…five years older, five more years out of shape. We didn’t watch The Amazing Race until season two, so I don’t know who these guys are, except they’re annoying and kind of whiny and Drew was out-run by Charla out of the gate.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh of Da Smokin’ Ass: Fresh off his Vegas Poker Slaparound tour, Rob & Amber say they have a whole new bag of tricks. They didn’t come back to lose. Mahrk his wohrds.

Uchenna & Joyce: Husband and wife, from Houston, Texas. They won season 7 and are now back with a whole new set of fertility and relationship problems they hope the race will solve. Sadly, the million bucks they won last time didn’t do it.

Dustin & Kandice: KandyDust…I really don’t have anything bad to say about them, because they really grew on me last season…and I’d be cool with them being the first girl-on-girl all-girl team to win.

Joe & Bill: Gay grandpas from season one. Hey, they said it, not me. See “Kevin & Drew” above.

Charla & Mirna: Yogi & Boo Boo. They’re back, and this time, it’s more personal than it was the first time they raced around the world.

David & Mary: I love Cletus…but I love Brandine more: “My strategy this time is going to be completely different than last time.” It’s going to have to be…”sincerely nice Kentucky bumpkin” as a strategy can only work once with this crowd.

Teri & Ian: I remember when they “almost” won season 3. I was so irritated, because no married couple who looked that much alike should win…just seemed unnatural. Fortunately, Teri’s grown out her hair so she doesn’t resemble her husband quite as much, but Ian’s still the same dork he always was…except now he’s wearing black sleeveless t-shirts and adventure hats and I’m forced to call him Iandiana Jones.

Oswald & Danny: Now, these two were a great choice for the show. Team ChaChaCha stole my heart when, while everyone else was running around and all panicked in…Tokyo? Hong Kong? I can’t remember. Anyway, they went to the Mandarin Oriental hotel, got some help from the concierge, then went shopping and had coffee. They rock.

John Vito & Jill: Formerly dating…I assume they were dating when they were on the show. Honestly, can’t really place them other than I’m sure I lumped them into the “dysfunctional romantic relationship” category.

Eric & Danielle: Dating & team traitors, taking the “If it worked for Rob & Amber, it can work for us” attitude.
(more…)

Following in the brave path of people like The Amazing Race winner Uchenna…Britney Spears has shaved her head completely bald.

All of a sudden, hacking two inches off the bottom of my hair and cutting in bangs this past week doesn’t seem so drastic.

I read someplace that one sure-fire way to ensure you keep a New Year’s resolution is to publicly state it out loud. I guess this is so people can throw things at you and chastise you and exile you from their world if you don’t keep it.

With that…

I did have a couple moments of clarity last year before shutting down houseofsnarkdotcom. One of those moments led to printing out my favorite Amazing recaps of yesteryear…back when recapping those buggers was the highlight of my blog endeavors. They say you can’t recapture yesteryear, but you can sure as heck reinvent the future and there’s nothing like a little retro snark to rev up the creative engines.

By the by…I was doing some research on The Amazing Race: All-Stars a couple of weeks ago, and stumbled upon this bit of information:

Reality TV Magazine has the exclusive on a new reality TV baby. Amazing Race’s Jonathan Baker & Victoria Fuller are the proud parents of a new baby girl. Trease Alynette Baker was born on October 6, 2006. She weighed 6.6 pound and measured 19 inches.

So, when will Nanny Jo be visiting their house? I’m sure somehow if you rearrange the letters in “Trease Alynette Baker” you’ll get, “You left my backpack behind!!!!!!!!”

More importantly though, I wonder how much effort it would take to rig up a Fafarazzi-like system for scoring the stupid things our All-Star teams do and say during the course of the season? Say, 1 point for wearing matching t-shirts with a dumb saying…2 points for calling your teammate an “idiot” and…5 points for hooking up with someone from another team? 4 poins for mauling Phil at the Phinish Line…ooh…this could be fun…

Previously on The Amazing Race, our teams learned the fine art of bus driving, Rahb & Ambuh experienced a thing I like to call “payback,” and Ron & Kelly continued their quest to set themselves up for a surprise marriage proposal on a talk show in the next week.

Three teams remain…who will win (Dr. Evil voice) one milllllllllllllllion dollars?

For the last couple of seasons, I’ve griped about how tough it is to recap these 2-hour finales so, to maximize snarkiness while minimizing personal angst, I live-blogged. Yes. You heard me.

8:00 p.m. - Phil takes us down Amazing Race memory lane and talks about people I frankly, don’t remember. I didn’t realize that PODubya and Miss South Kellylina were about a millisecond away from going home the very first leg. Ah…memories, Blondes getting lost, Grandma Girlname whacking her head, Dull and Duller flipping their vehicle and Kelly proclaiming the love of her life a “piece of trash redneck.” Joyce shaved her head which ultimately, only bought them about a half-hour lead.

8:04 p.m. - Kelly “confronts” Ron in Istanbul and for some stupid reason implies that Ron volunteered to be a PODubya. I just felt the need to remind everyone of that little exchange.
8:10 p.m. - The remaining three teams knock back pints during the pit stop. Rahb & Ambuh depart at 2:47 p.m and fly to Jamaica, mon. Rahb implores the Amazing Producers to just write the check, because he and Ambuh are going to win. Rahb butchers the Jamaican word, “Mon.”
8:11 p.m. - Ron & Kelly depart 2 hours after Rahb & Ambuh. PODubya once again points out that in the military, he didn’t have to deal with “these emotional things.” (“Yeah, but you weren’t dating your crew chief, either. Maybe you were.” -UberHusband)

8:13 p.m. - Uchenna & Joyce bring up the rear and we have a Dr. Phil moment when Uchenna tells us that they considered splitting up but the Race has changed all of that.
8:15 p.m. - Kelly has makeup on. Ron gripes about how, a year and a half ago, he was controlled. People controlled what he did, what he ate. (“You mean he’s been married before?” -SnarkWife) Kelly’s sad and for some reason thinks that if Ron is acting like her boyfriend, then he is obligated to marry her.

8:17 p.m. - Ron tries to hold Kelly’s hand on the flight to Jamaica. She pulls her hand away.
8:18 p.m. - Frenchman’s Cove. Roadblock. Teams participate in a “traditional Jamaican party game”…no, it’s not panhandling or hairbraiding…it’s not even drug selling…it’s limbo, mon! The lower you limbo, the earlier you can leave Frenchman’s Cove the next day.

8:19 p.m. - Kelly: How low can you go? Ron: Sounds like you.
8:20 a.m. - Ambuh goes very low and snags an 8:15 a.m. departure for Grant’s Level where they’ll get their next clue.
8:21 p.m. - Kelly goes very low, too and Joyce gives up and settles for 8:30 a.m.
8:22 p.m. - Teams build a bonfire to take them through the overnight hours. Rahb built fires on Survivor.

8:24 p.m. - PODubya says, “No worries, man.” Grant’s Level. Detour. Huck Finn It or Build It. Finally! PODubya admits there’s something he can’t do…he can’t build a raft. Using Kellylogic, if he had known how to do that, maybe he could have gotten out of being a PODubya. Rahb built rafts on Survivor.

8:26 p.m. - Everyone is Building It. The UberHusband disagrees with their choice and says that rafting 8 miles down the river would have been quicker. Rahb picks now as the time to be the Anal Retentive Construction Guy.
8:27 p.m. - This week’s Amazing Quote goes to PODubya, lambasting desperate-to-be-married chickiepoo while trying to build their raft:

“The last time I built one of these was, oh, never. So relax.”

8:29 p.m. - Gratuitious shot of Joyce’s underwear. Kelly calls Ron a “smart-A.” Yep. That’ll learn him.

8:30 p.m. - Joyce & Uchenna gets the thumbs-up to head across the river, as do Rahb & Ambuh. Gratuitous shot of PODubya’s underwear.
8:31 p.m. - Rahb stumbles up the hill to get his next clue. Ambuh whacks her head on their raft pole. Kelly primps and asks Ron what he wants her to do. Rob loses his shoe in the river. Clue rip. Montego Bay. Pit stop.
8:32 p.m. - Ron finishes the entire Build It task on his own.

8:33 p.m. - Tyson the Taxi Driver has Rahb & Ambuh’s back. Oh wait, maybe he doesn’t. Why is everyone stopping at the same gas station? The UberHusband loses all patience with Kelly.
8:35 p.m. - Joyce and Uchenna drive by Rahb & Ambuh, who have been pulled over by the police. They cackle. PODubya & Kelly drive by and he reminisces about the good old days in Baghdad, when he was stopped at police checkpoints.
8:36 p.m. - Kristen Davis pitches Maybelline cosmetics, now with caffeine!

8:39 p.m. - PODubya notices that Uchenna & Joyce’s tire looks a little…low. Rahb & Ambuh notice, too.
8:40 p.m. - Uchenna & Joyce notice their tire is flat. No one stops to help. Ron & Kelly are now in first place.

8:41 p.m. - Tyson the Wonder Driver has no idea where he’s going. Rahb stops and asks for directions.
8:43 p.m. - Round Hill. Cottage 16. Teams racing. Phil. Ziggy Marley. Ron & Kelly…you are team #1. Rahb shakes Ron’s hand…team #2. At least Ron & Kelly didn’t win anything. Uchenna & Joyce are the last team to arrive…but…surprise surprise, this is a non-elimination leg! Joyce & Uchenna hand over all their money and all their possessions. They’ll start off the next leg with no money but hey, that just puts them on par with the rest of the locals.

8:49 p.m. - Non-Travelocity-sponsored ad for the Puerto Rico Convention & Visitors Bureau.
8:50 p.m. - Phil kicks off the last leg of The Amazing Race. Ron & Kelly depart first at 2:37 a.m. Teams must drive to Lucea, find a shack, pick up a bag of 50 onions, then go to a restaurant and cut up the onions? Kelly cries because she was convinced Ron was The One. She pulls out the last-ditch “the Lord will take care of me” comment.
8:52 p.m. - Rahb declares Ambuh “the most pehrfect pahrtner.”

8:53 p.m. - Joyce, Uchenna and their Gift Bag Chock Full O’ Baby Dreams depart last. They have no money and Uchenna declares their options, “limited.” Ya think?
8:54 p.m. - Ron & Kelly’s taxi driver don’t know where highway A1 is. I’ve been to Jamaica. Ain’t that big. Ron says it’s like finding a haystack in a bunch of needles.

8:56 p.m. - For some reason, Uchenna and Joyce use their free cab ride to go to the airport. To beg for money. In the middle of the night.
8:57 a.m. - Rahb & Ambuh chop onions. Ron & Kelly arrive. Kelly isn’t “good at cutting things.” Rahb says when he was a kid, his mom used to lock him in the basement to chop onions.

8:58 p.m. - Joyce & Uchenna are batting zero at the Montego Bay International Airport. No one is interested in giving them any money in the middle of the night. To be fair, when I left Jamaica I was sick and tired of being pestered by people who wanted my money…I didn’t care if they did speak perfect English and muttered something about “a race.”
9:00 p.m. - Joyce is crying. Lady…save it for the onions! Save it for the onions…like Kelly did! Kelly tells Martha Stewart to “watch out.”

9:01 p.m. - Joyce & Uchenna play the sad, crying card and score enough cash to get to the onion shack.
9:02 p.m. - Rahb & Ambuh finish chopping onions and go to Rose Hall for their next clue.
9:03 p.m. - Where did these teams get these law-abiding, docile drivers? Our Sandals van operator had a death wish and nothing to lose when he transported us from the airport to our hotel. We have video to prove it.

9:04 p.m. - Detour. Pony Up (a local sport known as horseback swimming?) or Tee it Up (choose clubs, dress in “appropriate attire”, take turns teeing it up until they hit the green). We could Tee It Up.
9:05 p.m. - Kelly claims to have had golf lessons. Whoopdeedoo.
9:06 p.m. - Our teams dress in appropriate attire except for PODubya, who seems to have difficulty changing into a shirt and shorts.
9:07 p.m. - Everyone has a crappy swing. The UberHusband seems to think we would have done really well on this task. He also mumbles a bunch of technogolfjargon I don’t understand. He says it would take him 2 balls to get on the green. I opt to leave that one alone.

9:08 p.m. - Rahb gets on the green. Clue rip. Fly to San Juan, Puerto Rico. Drive to Castillo San Felipe fort for their next clue.
9:09 p.m. - PODubya says he can’t hit crap. Joyce and Uchenna are the slowest onion choppers in history. PODubya says he sucks at golf. Kelly actually gets the ball on the green. Ron says he, “deserves a pick ax right through the scalp.” I don’t even need to snark…PODubya does all the work for me.
9:10 p.m. - Rahb & Ambuh beg for tickets on the 9:15 a.m. flight. Rahb begins to mutter an excuse about “My mother…” and stops. I love that.

9:16 p.m. - Rahb & Ambuh get on the 8:03 a.m. flight, delayed until 9:54 a.m.
9:17 p.m. - PODubya & Kelly miss the flight to San Juan and now have to wait until 12:42 p.m. Uchenna & Joyce finish chopping onions and head back to Rose Hall.
9:18 p.m. - Oh…wait…I get the Puerto Rico commercial now! Rahb & Ambuh land and find their marked car. They drive to the fort and then have to go to a sugar refinery. Uchenna and Joyce tee it up…but we really wanted to see someone horsebackwaterride or whatever.

9:19 p.m. - Ambuh’s looking really, really tired. PODubya & Kelly appear to be the only ones on their flight. Uchenna looks sharp in his golf attire and hits the green on his second shot. Back to the airport. Smooches.
9:21 p.m. - People are much more willing to give you money (a) during the day and (b) after they’ve had a couple of pre-flight cocktails. Rahb & Ambuh get to the sugar refinery and…it doesn’t open up until 7:30 a.m. All three teams have all night to catch up with each other.

9:23 p.m. - CheapoDubya opts to sleep in his car at the sugar refinery instead of getting a room with his non-girlfriend. Uchenna & Joyce catch up.
9:24 p.m. - Muelle de Azucar. Clue rip. Roadblock. Ready to take a plunge? Jump off the bridge, then swim 90 yards to get their clue. Very gratuitous shot of Uchenna’s underwear. PODubya jumps in.
9:25 p.m. - Rahb and Ambuh can’t find the correct marked path. I’m pretty sure this is where they lose the race. Uchenna jumps in, then swims to shore.

9:30 p.m. - PODubya jumps in, them swims to shore. Clue rip - head to your final destination, Miami, Florida and the Rickenbacker Causeway.
9:31 p.m. - Rahb shows what a swell guy he is and carries Ambuh when she can’t run fast enough. They’re in last place…but not that far in last place.
9:32 p.m. - I want to strangle Miss South Kellylina. I want PODubya to crash his marked car into the aeropuerto. They tell each other to shut up.
9:33 p.m. - Teams Survivor and Bald get tickets on the 11:15 a.m. flight to Miami. Ron and Kelly are lost and continue to bicker because, well, that’s what people do when they’re in lurrrrrrrrve. I don’t even want them to wait until they get to the aeropuerto. I want their car to veer off the road now.

9:36 a.m. - Rahb & Ambuh get on the 10:00 a.m. flight, while the ticket agent continues to insist no one can get on that flight. Rahb says they’re going to leave their bags on the plane and hope someone will send them to them. Once again, an American ticket agent (remember Kris & Jon?) decides to be a PITA and doesn’t want to help Uchenna & Joyce…something about the plane being “full.” Please.
9:38 p.m. - Promo for the new Tommy Hilfiger reality show, The Cut. God help us.

9:41 p.m. - The jetway pulls away and the American gate agent actually makes them pull it back out for Uchenna & Joyce. Are you kidding me? Rahb is stunned that their competition is on their flight.
9:42 p.m. - Miami Vice theme song. Nice. Ron & Kelly’s flight was delayed.
9:43 p.m. - Rickenbacker Causeway. Clue rip. Make your way to Little Havana and search for a cigar shop. No one on Calle Ocho seems to know what the King of da Havanas is . The mail carrier doesn’t even know. Bienvenido a Miami.

9:45 p.m. - Lucky break for Joyce & Uchenna…they find El Rey De Los Habanos first. Clue rip. Drive to Fort Lauderdale. Wait, I thought Phil said Miami was their final destination? Eh. Close enough.
9:46 p.m. - Tire King? No.
9:47 p.m. - Joyce and Uchenna are out of money. (“So Rob, how does it feel to come in second? Again?” - UberHusband) Uchenna panhandles.

9:48 p.m. - Where are PODubya & Miss South Kellylina? Ambuh says, “Go go go” with such a lack of enthusiasm that she knows they haven’t won. Joyce & Uchenna are so damn nice that they won’t stiff the cab driver (at least temporarily) so they can win the million dollars.
9:49 p.m. - Joyce and Uchenna are literally steps away from winning but are stuck outside begging for money so they can pay their taxi fare.

9:50 p.m. - Some asswipe on the streets of Fort Lauderdale tells Uchenna that “begging ain’t the way to do it” when asked for money to pay off their taxi driver. I hope Mr. Asswipe realized tonight what a chump he looked like.
9:51 p.m. - Still begging.
9:52 p.m. - Still begging. Rahb & Ambuh love each other. Don’t care about PODubya or Kelly anymore.

9:53 p.m. - Uchenna & Joyce pay off their cab driver.
9:54 p.m. - Phil. I so heart you. Final Mat of Judgment. The Fabulous Butch Boys chant, “Not Rahb & Ambuh, not Rahb & Ambuh.” Joyce and Uchenna come running down the road…and are the official winners of The Amazing Race. I don’t think Uchenna really caught on at first. Hugs. Whooping and hollering.

9:55 p.m. - Uchenna blurts out, “In vitro, here we come!” Joyce cries. They love everyone. Everyone loves them. More whooping and hollering. Thank God they’re already married, otherwise Uchenna would probably propose on The Early Show.
9:56 p.m. - Rahb & Ambuh are the second team to arrive…they fought the good fight.

9:57 p.m. - Ron & Kelly arrive, and Kelly is a bitch. I’m sorry. Don’t call yourself a typical woman and blow off Ron as a “typical man.” How freaking…typical.
9:58 p.m. - Whooping, hollering and mingling with the other teams. Uchenna and Joyce have overcome their barriers and have grown as a couple. Smooches. They love each other. Aww.

Offshore betting parlors rejoice. See you next season!

Previamente en La Raza Sombrosa, cuatro equipos precisaron para Estambul (no Constantinople), subido algunas torres y competido con algunas llamas… usted sabe, cocina turca típica. PODubya miró encendido cariñosamente mientras que su archnemesis Bahston Rahb golpeó el tercer mat y él y Srta. South Kellylina golpearon el último mat pero de alguna manera por la tolerancia del dios y el Travelocity, $20k ganado en moolah del recorrido y una noche en La Habitación De La Fantasía.

Sheesh.

¿Cuatro equipos permanecen… quién será eliminada… después?

I’m just kidding…I’m not really going to do the entire recap in Spanish in honor of Cinco De Mayo. If you want to know what I wrote though, skip over here and translate to your heart’s desire.

Uchenna & Joyce, who were the first to arrive (excited “WOOHOO” hugs!), depart first at 10:53 p.m. Subdued clue rip. Make your way to the Sirkeci Train Station and find the dervishes (“Are they whirling?” -UberHusband). According to Phil, yes, the dervishes are whirling. Once the teams get there I guess they look on and marvel at the wonderment of whirling dervishes then…that’s about it. Of course, the UberHusband, who has made it considerably further through Religion For Dummies than I have, explains in great detail the concept of the whirling dervishes and it all sounded very Footloose to me.

Anyhoo, Uchenna counts their cash (never know when the Amazing Accountants might screw up) and happen upon a taxi right in front of the pit stop. Go them! Joyce mentions again how “in the real world,” she and Uchenna tend to go in opposite directions but on the Race, they’re working really well together. I agree…they don’t appear to me like a couple who is anything other than two peas in a pod. So, this is good.

Dervishes whirl. Clue rip. Fly to London, England and “figure out” that the Beatles album cover the clue refers to is at Abbey Road. You know, this is interesting…the season is finishing up by turning around and heading back West. Every other season has the remaining teams go to some country that is culturally and linguistically the polar opposite of America so they can eventually wind up in Hawaii. Apparently though, not this time around since they’re going to Jolly Old England. Blech.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname depart second and I can just hear their bones and joints creaking as they walk down the steps and also miraculously have a minimal cab wait. I always wonder if these pit stops are sort of set up like Chicago O’Hare Airport’s cab stands…when one leaves, another immediately appears. Grandma is proud that they’re still in the race, proud that they’re the oldest couple to have made it this far and “hoping that they’d just get through the first couple of legs without embarrassing ourselves.” Well Grandma, you guys outdid yourselves because you wound up embarrassing yourselves for many more than just the first couple of legs…yay you! And of course, I mean that in the most complimentary way possible.

At the airport, Uchenna & Joyce snag an 8:30 a.m. direct flight to London on Turkish Air…allegedly, the quickest way to get there. I think I’ve figured out why people tend to get into trouble at the airports. They ask if that’s the quickest way…and it is…on the airline whose ticket counter you’re at. They want your money. Unless they’re just really, really swell folk or you ask them specifically, they aren’t going to check on other airlines. Think about that bratty American Airlines ticket agent from last season who single-handedly caused Kris & Jon to lose because she was too lazy to point out there was an earlier flight they could get on.

Uchenna wants to stick with the direct flight, even after Uchenna recommends looking for something with a connection, but she wants to do the safe thing.

Grandma & Grandpa party with the Whirling Dervishes (weren’t those the guys who fell out of the plane in Honeymoon In Vegas?) and rip open their clue (what a screeching sound that is amongst all the whirling and chanting) and immediately wish for Mel Torme instead of The Beatles. Okay, let’s do the math. Grandma was in her mid-twenties when the Beatles hit American soil. She was part of their key demographic…this makes no sense…I don’t get…oh, never mind. Chalk this up to another embarrassing moment.

Bahston Rahb rips open their departing clue third and totally butchers “rolling deverishes” while also making a disparaging remark about topless women in front of what probably is a Muslim cab driver. Way to go, pal.

Meanwhile, at the airport, Baa Baa Grandma follows suit with Joyce & Uchenna on the Safe Direct Flight.

And, in probably the most frightening moment ever on The Amazing Race…more frightening than bungee jumping…more frightening than Jonathan Baker’s irrational outbursts…more frightening than eating Ye Olde Argentine Animal Guts…we see…Miss South Kellylina without any makeup on. Avert your eyes…oh wait, too late. It never occurred to me for half a second that any of these women would have wasted valuable backpack space with makeup but…she is a beauty queen. Let’s not forget that. Clue rip.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that there was neither nookie nor vibraty the previous night in the Fantasy Suite, because when Miss South Kellylina mentions the rocks being slick, PODubya does not behave like a man who has recently “reunited” with his girlfriend and instead says, “Not really.” I don’t know…maybe he picked up that level of pillow talk in Baghdad.

They have no money, so they immediately go ask the Whirling Drunks for money. Ultimately unsuccessful, they hit the local convenience store whose clerk helps them procure a little cash and a fairly cheap cab ride to the Whirling Dervishes. When you have no cash, that’s what you do…take it one cab ride at a time.

Ambuh noticed the same thing I did…that the Whirling Dervishes were kind of unsettling…like they were hanging…like creepy marionettes or that clown from Poltergeist. At the airport, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh hijack a ticket agent’s computer and look for better flights on…ta da…Travelocity! Turns out, there’s a flight that leaves earlier than the 8:30 a.m. direct flight and connects through Frankfurt but there’s the rub…it connects. We all know what can happen with connecting flights. Your first flight departs late, the connecting flight departs late, the connecting flight is cancelled…but…with big risk comes big reward. If they make it through, they show up 90 minutes earlier than Old and Bald.

Oh wait…but the plane is full. Ambuh doesn’t care…again, with great risk comes great reward…so they get on the standby list. When PODubya and Miss South Kellylina get to the airport, Grandpa Girlname gives them some money and thanks them for having been kind to them when they were cashless. That’s all fine and well but YOU’RE TWO OF FOUR TEAMS LEFT! When Grandma & Grandpa had no money, there were more teams…and less at stake. Oh well. Baa Baa Grandpa tells them to get on the 8:30 a.m. flight to London…come on…all the cool kids are doing it, but as they walk to the ticket counter, Miss South Kellylina spies a flight getting ready to leave for Frankfurt. Hmm. Her three brain gears start to spin and she tells Ron they need to take the risk and fly standby on the earlier connecting flight.

The Flintstones and Rubbles hop on their flight to Frankfurt, while Bald and Old sit around, wondering where everyone else is. Kind of like last week…only backwards.

In London, Bahston Rahb manages to procure yet another local travel guide, whom I will call Harry Potter, to lead them straight to Abbey Road while Miss South Kellylina shares her sob story of how they lost all their money yesterday with unsuspecting British folk. Did you tell them why you lost all your money? Huh? Huh? PODubya’s just glad he’s in a country where the people speak English. Yeah, but it’s British English. I kind of expected PODubya & Miss South Kellylina’s cab driver to be that Mr. Marriage guy from Marriage 911 or more likely, Dr. Phil (CBS show and all).

Abbey Road. Clue box. Clue rip. Teams must make their way to the London Eye, a 40-story ferris wheel on the banks of the river Thames. They’ll climb into a creepy pod and circle around until they find the Amazing Race flag hanging…somewhere…in the city. Then they need to go to the flag to find the next clue box. Fun.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina get to Abbey Road second and Mr. Love tells his girlyfriend to pick up the pace because, “We’re still in a race, you know.” Aww. I so don’t want them to win! Shucky darn!

London is such a lovely, brown city from 40 stories up. Good thing Ambuh’s got her glasses on. Miss South Kellylina is nagging. Now, to be clear…I don’t nag the UberHusband. I’ll flat out ask him to do something but I will not ask him to do something, then follow it up with the condescending, “Like I’ve asked you to do several times already.” Good Lord…these two are the pissiest couple around. They nitpick. They nag. They whine. Then, Miss South Kellylina calls PODubya “a brat.” A brat? What is this, middle school? I’ve got to say, if my girlfriend treated me like an impudent child, I wouldn’t be rushing and dragging her to the altar, either. I”m just sayin’.

But wait…the fun’s not over! Once safely trapped inside a clear pod several stories above the London skyline, Miss South Kellylina snits that she’ll start looking for the Amazing Flag after she’s received her apology. Come on Ron…throw her out. I promise I’ll tell everyone in my recap that it was an accident.

Rahb & Ambuh find the flag then ask their manservant, Harry Potter, to take them to the clue box. Poor guy…did you notice that he’s still hauling around his bag, too? He probably just got off a 22-hour flight from someplace, then immediately hooks up with those two dorks from Survivor. Clue rip. Detour! This week’s Good Choice involves solving a series of three riddles in London’s Underground, which will eventually lead them to Faux Sherlock Holmes on Baker Street and their next clue. Bad Choice involves dragging 5 160 lb. boats and stacking them up, unless Grandma decides to crawl on top of the boats like she did the teak elephant, in which case Grandpa will be dragging 5 270 lb. boats.

Wisely, Rahb & Ambuh choose the riddles and scoot back to the Underground with Harry Potter in tow.

Oh yeah…I forgot Old and Bald still hadn’t arrived in London yet! While trying to figure out how to get to Abbey Road, they get the bad news that the Flinstones and Rubbles showed up about two hours earlier. There’s talk of “do or die” and then we cut to the World’s Most Annoying Hallmark Commercial. “Mommmmmmmmmmm…who’s your Snuggly Buggly Boo?” {giggle}

Okay, Harry Potter is kind of hot…and he basically does the Detour for Rahb & Ambuh…lucky them.

PODubya & Miss South Kellylina choose Good Choice and…I’m sorry, did she just say, “The three nekkid men of Hammersmith?” Oh my…she did. Myohmyohmyohmy.

Rahb & Ambuh hand all of their belongings off to Faux Sherlock Holmes and receive their next clue. Clue rip. Teams must make their way to Millennium Dome and the clue box in the parking lot outside. Uh oh…I see double decker buses in the background…bwa ha ha! Caution! Yield ahead! They move as fast as they can because they know they’ll get Yielded if they’re not first. Harry Potter says goodbye to Rahb, Ambuh and the Amazing Cameraman because well, he’s got sorcery to take care of and the day isn’t getting any longer.

Ron & Kelly hand off their detective paraphernalia to Faux Sherlock Holmes and head off in a taxi because she’s from the South and doesn’t understand that when you’re in a big city, taking the train is generally quicker than taking a taxi.

Thankfully for us, The Amazing Race viewers, we don’t have to experience Grandma Girlname’s first “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD” until minute 33. And this time, it’s in a good way!

This is the third…and last…Yield of the race. I can’t believe Rahb & Ambuh actually debate whether or not to Yield Ron & Kelly. Seriously. I would say this moment qualifies as the mostest of “most advantageous.” Roadblock. Some poor soul has to drive a double-decker bus through a marked course and back the bus into a designated space. But…if he/she hits one of the cones, they have to start all over. Ambuh, understandably, wants to get out of there before The Brat and Kelly show up…I’d want to get out of there, too.

Meanwhile, Old and Bald decide to haul boats, which is just sad. Not necessarily for Bald because they’ve got the strength, but definitely for Old. I don’t care if Grandpa has all sorts of swimming trophies, he probably didn’t win those races with his wife attached to his Speedo.

The funny thing about Rahb…he doesn’t get mad. Sure, he gets frustrated but he doesn’t yell at people and certainly doesn’t yell at Ambuh. Quite the contrary…he continues to reassure her that although he’s hit the cone with the bus three times, the fourth time will be the charm. Congratulations! Clue rip. Teams must now travel to Potter’s Field Park…the tenth pit stop…blah blah…last team to check in may be eliminated. Oh come on, we all know the last team will be eliminated.

Uh oh…Ron & Kelly just found out they got Yielded. So, what do they do? They flip over the timer and…stand there.

Old loves Bald…they’re so motivating, so nice, so friendly…and I agree. As a matter of fact, Uchenna tries to help the old couple out by pushing their boat until Grandma tells them they can’t have anyone help them. I have to wonder, if it came down to Old and Bald in the final two and Uchenna had to choose between helping out Grandpa and his aching back and winning the million dollars…which would he pick?

I mean, I’ve been sort-of backhandedly rooting for Grandma & Grandpa but geez, if they’re going to pick…um…the task called “Brawn” when they have no brawn, why would you help them? It’s their lame decision-making that got them there. I mean, why didn’t they pick Sherlock Holmes? Certainly Grandma or Grandpa had to have gone to school with the guy at some point, considering they’re old enough to make Mel Torme references.

Anyway, Uchenna & Joyce finish stacking their boats and bid Old adieu. Joyce & Uchenna’s cab driver is gracious and tells them it would probably be quicker to take the train to Millennium Dome…but, he didn’t specify which train so Joyce and Uchenna head up to the train platform and…watch the train speed right by. WTF? Turns out, they should have taken the Underground train. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay. That’s alright though, because Grandma & Grandpa are stuck in the not-quicker cab, bemoaning city traffic.

PODubya points out that driving the double-decker bus would have been the perfect Roadblock for him to do (because what, he drove one in Baghdad?) but since he’s already done five, he’ll just stand on the sidelines and laugh at Double-Decker Bus Driving Barbie.

Hey! There’s Mr. Marriage from Marriage 911, after all! And…he’s standing with Phil at the pit stop! Hello! Welcome to London! Ambuh compliments Mr. Marriage’s outfit.

Rahb & Ambuh…you are TEAM NUMBER ONE! And…they’ve won a home entertainment system, courtesy of JVC, which they can enjoy, I assume, after the race. Rahb & Ambuh make some truncated references to luck but we don’t care anymore because…

The other three teams are trying to drive buses through a marked course. When I was watching Kelly try to drive her bus, it reminded me of that Brady Bunch episode when Greg and Marcia are trying to prove who are the better drivers…men or women.

Then…Joyce melts down and yaps at Uchenna that he’s making her nervous…he decides to shut up, but PODubya just keeps snitting at Kelly. Now, you would think that finishing the task second would be a good thing, but apparently Kelly has taken everything that happened on that task very personally. PODubya tells her she did great and he’s proud of her, to which she insincerely replies, “Thanks” and pouts. Then, she rips into PODubya and how mean he was during the task. He says something about being in the military where you don’t have to be emotional and nice and he’s not used to that. Dude, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. The UberHusband is very good at being emo - oh wait…she does have a point. The UberHusband tends to teach and instruct me with a certain militaristic flair but, that’s fine. Does everything in life have to be sopping, dripping wet with gooey emotion?

This week’s Amazing Quote goes to PODubya who says:

“I flew a $35 million helicopter. I am highly, highly trained to operate a MO-bile machine.” {cue the UberHusband, pretending his arms are airplane wings, crashing into the ground}

You know PODubya, I was on your side until Kelly threatened your military manhood a little too much and you recommended turning the cab around and going back to the challenge so you could show her that you’re just as nice of a guy as her Army brother. Gah. What is wrong with you people?

Meanwhile, Meredith and Joyce are still driving their buses and it’s either cold outside, or Grandma Girlname is having a stroke, what with her shoulders all hunched up and her face contorted. Joyce finally manages to back her bus in (hee hee) and, as the gray sun sets in London, Meredith also finishes this highly frustrating task on the 7th try.

As PODubya & Miss South Kellylina run to the pit stop, Phil hand-gestures in their direction saying, “Mr. Marriage, that’s the couple I was telling you about.” Ron & Kelly…you’re team number two! No hugs. They’re frustrated…and tired…and Kelly asks Mr. Marriage if he has any lipstick because the stuff she borrowed at the airport three days ago has worn off.

Joyce and Uchenna…you are team number three! Hugs and kisses. “Woo! That’s what we wanted, baby!”

Phil looks sad as Grandma & Grandma Girlname approach. Meredith and Gretchen…you’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to say you’ve been eliminated from the race. Hugs. Aww. They love each other, they’re amazing…million dollar’s worth of memories…and Grandpa is going to take a crowbar to the next double-decker bus he sees.

Good luck, Grandma & Grandpa…you two done good.

Next week…finally…on the season finale of The Amazing Race (notice: finally and finale look an awful lot alike), PODubya and Miss South Kellylina discuss the future of their relationship on the last freaking leg and we get to watch Uchenna and Joyce win the million bucks.

They didn’t say that…I did.

Previously on The Amazing Race, Joyce made me cry when shaved her head, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname “partied with the locals” (but didn’t pull up her shirt) and mercifully, The Fabulous Butch Boys hit the Mat of Judgment last and were sent home to be reunited with their skin care products.

Four teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

I’m so glad this season is almost over…I’m tired. And, I think I say this every season but the downside of these later episodes is that it takes quite a bit to stretch the activities of four teams into sixty minutes. There are less teams to keep track of, but more idle time…eh, six to one, half dozen to the other.

Uchenna & Bald ‘n Stylin’ Joyce depart first at 11:24 p.m. Clue rip…fly 4,000 miles to Istanbul (not Constantinople), Turkey and make their way to the island of Kiz Kulesi. At the top of the island’s tower, they’ll find their next clue.

So, here’s the thing. After everything Joyce went through with the Fast Forward and shaving her head and me calling her E.T., after all was said and done, she and Uchenna were only two minutes ahead of Rahb & Ambuh and PODubya & Miss South Kellylina, teams 2 and 3…who departed at 11:26 p.m.

I’m really hoping Sanju the Guide didn’t stick around the entire 12 hours waiting but, there he is, ready to take care of Rahb & Ambuh while PODubya & Miss South Kellylina tag along. I’m trying to figure out why Rahb, since he’s so good at antagonizing people, didn’t just tell Ron & Kelly to get their own taxi, their own guide and quit following them around…especially after Miss South Kellylina starts doing that put-out deep sigh thing and telling PODubya to chill out. Those two just tense me up…there’s nothing more uncomfortable than hanging around a dysfunctional couple. Really.

Despite the discomfort, Rahb & PODubya high-five and continue on to “the travel agency” because, as we all know from Amazing Races past…aw come on kids, you should know the rules by now…say it along with me…you can’t get international tickets at the airport, you have to go to a travel agent!

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname depart a mere seven minutes after the Flintstones and Rubbles. Didn’t realize they were that bunched up.

Travel agent + hotel + airport = first 25 minutes of this episode.

The fun really begins at the airport. Bahston Rahb decides that he wants to screw with Grandma & Grandpa by asking them if they were able to get on the earlier flight to Turkey, I guess never thinking they had the brain capacity to at least check to see if there was, in fact, an earlier flight. So, Grandma & Grandpa get together with Joyce and Uchenna and badda boom, badda bing…the four of them are on an earlier flight to Turkey. HA!

How much earlier, you might ask? Two hours! Hee! The mastermind has been out-masterminded by the old and bald! HA!

I must say…I have never seen a monkey crawling around an airport here in the United States.

This week’s Taxicab Confession involves PODubya and Miss South Kellylina. He’s amazed by all the places he’s seen and basically said that there are other things he wants to do before settling down, having kids and getting married. Fair enough. I say, do all those things if that’s what you feel you need to do…go Ron! Miss South Kellylina however, has I guess seen all she wants to see because she’s not going to wait around for Ron to sow his proverbial wild oats. “I’m worth more than that,” she says. Ah…nothing says love like bullying your boyfriend into hopping on the same relationship timeline you’re on.

Aww.

Anyhoo…Miss South Kellylina’s then spews the now-famous verbal diarrhea about PODubya’s “commitment” issues; specifically, that he “got out” of his military commitment by being a PODubya. That is, by far, the most ignorant thing I have heard this season. Now, the UberHusband told me that PODubya was probably given the option of staying in or getting out but honestly…what would you have done? I would have left, too. There’s a difference between being given a valid option to leave after oh, I don’t know, a life-altering experience and quitting.

Ooh…Miss South Kellylina made me mad. My little Snarkzilla claws came out and everything. She’s damn lucky her man isn’t dead.

Meanwhile, Old and Bald pick up their plane tickets and…hee hee…they’re getting in before Rahb! Allow me to cackle a little more! HA!

Unfortunately for Rahb, this is about the point when he just starts looking like an ass. Clever editing allows us to hear every single comment he makes about how they’re all WAY ahead of Old and Bald and how cahnfident dey are. Blind leading the blind…haven’t got a clue…oh Rahb…shut up now…don’t make this worse than it already is…

Old and Bald arrive in Istanbul (not Constantinople) and promptly head off to the island. Joyce and Uchenna get to the clue box first. Clue rip. Find the gnome. What teams don’t know (unless they, uh, turn the thing over) is that these are Travelocity Roaming Gnomes! Yay! Product placement! The team that gets to the pit stop with the gnome that has a picture of an airplane on it will win a “special prize” from Travelocity. Yay! Product placement!

Once they have their gnome, teams must go to another tower at Galata Kulesi for their next clue.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname arrive second, but because Grandma is Grandma, doesn’t understand that 4 clues - 1 clue = 3 clues = YOU’RE SECOND, NOT FIRST unless she’s referring to the more general “we’re here first” as opposed to “we’re last, so sew our backpacks to our bodies.”

Old and Bald get their gnomes and head to tower #2. Clue rip. Detour. Columns or Kilos? In this Detour, teams have to choose between Stupid Task and Easy Task. In Stupid Task, teams have to go decipher some sort of code in a well held up by 224 colums, then pull a box from the well and unlock the box or something to that effect.

In Easy Task, teams must travel to a town square and weigh people. Phil calls this, “A common practice on the streets of Istanbul (not Constantinople).” Huh? You mean, for giggles, people just…weigh other people? Do the fat people get offended, or is that something my Americanized socialization has taught me would be the appropriate knee-jerk reaction? But…I digress. They have to weigh 2,500 kilograms (or 5,500 lbs.) to get their next clue. Yeah! Bring on the fatties!

Grandma Girlname needs to get a sense of humor. When Grandpa asks her what they should name their gnome, she looks all pissy and says, “I don’t know…Gnome.” Goodness. Name him Phil…or Lawrence Welk…just name him something. Grandpa comes up with the moniker, “Jerome. Jerome the Gnome.” Hee.

You know, I start getting a gagging feeling when I watch Rahb shove his foot into his mouth and three inches down his throat. Heh heh…”I think we got a big enough lead right now. We don’t wanna overdo it.” Even Ambuh looks like she wants to slug Rahb.

Meanwhile, at the town square, Uchenna starts speaking to Turkish people and sounding like Apu from The Simpsons. Those countries on the other side of the world…they’re all the same basically, right? I thought that they were probably at a disadvantage because it was so early in the morning but eventually people start showing up. 2,500 kilograms. Clue rip. Maneuver yourself to Rumeli Hisari, where you will find your next clue.

And…Grandpa, Grandma and Jerome the Gnome are wandering around tower #2. She doesn’t know what the “Z” floor is and lets out a few more “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDs” before asking, “Why do we have so much trouble with things like this?” Things like what? Finding clue boxes? Yeah, you guys suck at that…that’s why you’re in the final four. They do one more loop (and Grandma does one more “OH MY GODDDDDD”) before finding the clue box and opting to weigh people.

Meanwhile, Rahb & Ambuh hop on the little commuter boat and find out…giggle…that Old and Bald were there two hours ago. BAHAHAHA! Fortunately, Ambuh knows what a gnome is, because Rahb doesn’t. They head back in as PODubya & Miss South Kellylina head out and find their gnome. I was sad that PODubya didn’t make a reference to all the gnomes he saw in Baghdad but…maybe it was irrelevant or edited out. By this point, the two of them know they are solidly in last place.

Uchenna & Joyce head to tower #3. Roadblock. Is climbing your forte? No…and not just no, but hell no. The poor soul stuck with this task has to climb a 25-ft. rope ladder, find a key at the top of the tower, repel back down the tower and then unlock a book that holds their next clue. I am just loving Uchenna…”Be right back, baby!” and then he just heads over and shows that tower who’s boss…but then he can’t find the key. Then, he finds the key and repels back down the tower. Clue rip unlock. Teams must search the interior of the fortress and find the scenic overlook…the last team to arrive may be eliminated.

Here’s how not to find the Man With Scales…walk around the town square yelling, “Scales! Scales? Scales!”

Scenic overlook. Phil. Black gloves. Joyce & Uchenna…you are team #1! Kisses & hugs. Unfortunately, their gnome does not have a plane but…they are team #1.

Grandma & Grandpa finally find the guy with the scales (”Oh, for GOD’S SAKE!”) and Grandma starts asking for grande people. Everyone speaks Spanish! Yay! Clue rip…go to repel.

Rahb & Ambuh also weigh people. Rahb gets everyone in a line but apparently isn’t in the mood to be friendly since he’s literally shoving people out of the way once he’s gotten his kilos. PODubya & Kelly choose the columns task but it’s totally irrelevant because they’re still in last place.

Smooches and prayers as Grandma heads up the rope ladder. Now, she drives me nuts but I was very happy they had such a large lead over The Other Two Teams because it gave her enough time to do her thing. And…to her credit…she did it! She made it to the top of the wall and had enough adrenaline going to get her through the rest of the task. I’m so proud of her, even though she talks to herself 96% of the time.

Jerome the Gnome, Grandma & Grandpa…you are team #2 but sadly, not the winners of the Travelocity Roaming Gnome super-prize.

Rahb does the Roadblock, blows up the wall, finds the key and is back downstairs.

This week’s Amazing Quote goes to both Miss South Kellylina and Ambuh, as they meet up and wait downstairs for their men to complete the Roadblock.

Miss South Kellylina: “Hey.”
Ambuh: “Hey.”

What’s so funny is the best scene in this week’s episode came at the end of the show. As Rahb & Ambuh are running up to the pit stop, Ron just stands at the top of the tower and watches them off in the distance.

Rahb & Ambuh… you are team #3 but you do not have the winning Travelocity Roaming Gnome which means…

Ron & Kelly…you’re the last team to arrive. Sonofagun though, it’s not an elimination leg…bet you’re wishing you’d taken my advice to sew your backpacks to your skin, eh? It’s kind of like when we bought our house…anything that was bolted to the walls (unless expressly excluded) was included in the house. Phil takes everything except the clothes they’re wearing and their passports. No cash for the next leg of the race but theoretically Miss South Kellylina should have some sort of talent so I think they’ll probably be able to make it out of Turkey, at the very least.

However…they did get the Travelocity Roaming Gnome prize which was twenty thousand dollars to be used on Travelocity and…and…they get to spend their Turkish pit stop at the Four Seasons Istanbul (not Constantinople), where they’ll “have a chance to browse online for their trip.” Yeah. That’s gonna happen.

Next week on The Amazing Race…Joyce yells and PODubya makes a disparaging remark about teaching women to drive. After all the support I gave you this week, you’re gonna dis me like that next week? For shame.

Previously on The Amazing Race, the teams left Continent #3, The Fabulous Butch Boys (who for some reason, I originally wrote as “Lenny and Squiggy” this week) sucked up to Grandma & Grandpa Girlname and said…swear to God…that they wanted them in the final two and Phil gave the “HAHA! Suffer, you evil Survivors…HAHA!” look to Rahb & Ambuh as they arrived in what I thought Phil called Lockdown. Phil handed them another clue, smacked Ambuh on the ass and told her to go one more lap.

Five teams still remain…who will be eliminated…next?

Now see, the fact that the clue didn’t say “Go to the pit stop…the last team to arrive may be eliminated” but instead said, “Go to the mat and meet Phil” should have been enough for these teams to realize that it was not, in fact, a pit stop. But I suppose after how many days of no food and no rest (despite the 2,343 hour flight to India last episode) your mind is bound to play tricks on you. Like India…it pretty much looks just like Baghdad. If you squint.

PODubya’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Whoaaaaaaaaaa.” Clue rip. Make your way to the Lockdown Train Station…platform 2.

Uchenna’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Whoaaaaaaaaaa.”

Lynn & Alex’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Oh no. Oh God. Oh no.”

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname finally finish up last week’s task and read their clue. I thought Grandma said, “Make your way to Phil and the man” to which I thought, what a clever take on that classic 70s television show of a similar name, until the UberHusband corrected me and clarified they were to go to “the mat” and not “the man.”

Did you hear Bahston Rahb & Ambuh got married last weekend? Even if you don’t like them…even if you think Rahb is an opportunistic slimeball, you can’t deny that he’s a good guy when it comes to his new wife. In a race and on a show where we see some of people’s uglier sides, he treats Ambuh with respect, helps her and calls her “Sweetie.” For those of you who say I pick on everyone, I do…but I love seeing couples who love each other. Things don’t have to be ugly and mean. They really don’t.

/soapbox

Speaking of couples who love each other, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname point out that their “helpers” are actually The Fabulous Indian Butch Boys. Grandma seems embarrassed to have thought one of them was cute and then Grandpa makes a peculiarly edited comment about bringing up the rear.

Grandma Girlname’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? The same as everything else, “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD!”

Meanwhile, at the Lockdown Train Station Platform 2, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh discover that the Last Train to Snarkville doesn’t leave for eight hours. Yep…everyone catches up and The Fabulous Butch Boys praise Joyce’s choice of headgear but personally, I thought she looked like E.T.

Eventually, it’s 9 p.m. and the teams all hop on the Mystery Train which hopefully doesn’t turn into Murder on The Indian Express. A rather solemn man carrying the Official Clue walks through the cabins and wakes our teams up to give them the clue. Bahston Rahb looks like he was literally a quarter of a second from punching whatever idiot had the gall to wake him up. Strange reaction but then again, if you’re exhausted and riding a train through India, I hate to say it but you sort of anticipate something “happening” which might cause you to react in a…reactionary way. I’m just sayin’.

And…you can tell PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are the long-distance daters. Folks who are married or have been together a long time just won’t sleep in the same bunk. Period. We need our space. Love you honey, but I need room to stretch. We’ll cuddle and love when we get to the next pit stop.

Slow, sleepy clue rip. Search for your next clue at the Jodhpur train station…and you won’t get there until pretty much this time tomorrow. At least they’re in sleeper cars.

Lynn, The Most Fabulous Butch Boy, delivers this week’s Amazing Quote:

“This race has been extremely difficult for me, not having all of my basic little comforts…eye cream…skin cream. I mean, at this point I would drink my skin care if I had it. I think it’s interesting to see how long I can go without them.”

Heh. Heh. Heh. I thought to myself, what would my “basic little comforts” be if I were on The Amazing Race and honestly…skin care wasn’t at the top of my list. Potable water…yes. L’Oreal Replenishing Cream, now with Botafirm, not so much.

Meanwhile, to kill time Joyce dresses up her husband as I Dream Of Jeannie and…PODubya crushes Ambuh! That’s right…Team Survivor and Team Annoying suck up to each other and “strengthen” their fauxlliance for 24 hours until they all arrive at their final destination and scramble for the clue box.

Clue rip. Teams must now to to the Sardar Market and go up to the balcony to get their next clue. Once again…they arrive at night and you know that no one will be able to get to the next clue box until it’s sunny again. Given this, the teams decide to head over to a hotel where Rahb promptly tells Ambuh that they will not share a room with PODubya and Miss South Kellylina. Hee. Then, Rahb pulls out that Nice Guy Strategy of just being friendly and asking and scores a free guide for the next day. They even shake on it, after Rahb says, “Are you sure?” about fifteen times.

Meanwhile, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname watch the Mardi Gras festivities from their balcony (“Show us your droopy tits!” -UberHusband), which I half a second later find out is actually a wedding parade and wouldn’t you know it, The Fabulous Butch Boys get pulled into the festivities and will probably wind up as Bollywood stars when this show is over.

Daylight. 10 a.m. And they’re off! GrandmaGirlnameinfirstplaceFabulousButchBoyrunningaclosesecondand…it’s Grandma Girlname…by a nose! Clue rip. Fast Forward! You knew the Traditional Hindu Good Fortune Ritual would come back, after Brandon & Nicole wussed out and wouldn’t shave off their luscious locks of employment and sustinence. Phil’s great…”Once both teams are completely bald, they will receive the Fast Forward.” Not 99% bald…100% bald.

If you’re not feeling Fast Forwardy, we have a Detour! This week’s Good Choice involves dragging a 600 lb. teak elephant to a temple. Yeah, it’s heavy but just flash a smile and when people see television cameras they’ll be all over you to help. Bad Choice involves dyeing white sheets…only one of the sheets will reveal the next clue though, but there are a ton of sheets and…aw, screw it. Don’t do that task.

And…they listen! No one’s doing the sheety task and Joyce & Uchenna head off to the Fateful Fast Forward. For some reason, Grandma Girlname hops on top of the teak elephant, effectively turning it into a 710 lb. task now, which makes no sense as Rahb & Ambuh try to figure out if they need to toss Ambuh up as well. The answer? No, because the clue doesn’t say you have to ride in it! Grandma then proceeds to just yell “PUSH!” to everyone like an overeager delivery room nurse and declares their elephant “bad.” The elephant’s not bad Grandma, the problem is you have 7-year olds pushing the darn thing.

The Fabulous Butch Boys also initially head for the Fast Forward, which wouldn’t have been all that dramatic since they already have short hair, then decide to skip it and head back to push the elephant.

Joyce thinks she’s going to have to shave her head. Uchenna doesn’t think she’s going to have to shave her head. Hee hee.

It’s just chaos everywhere. Ambuh’s elephant tail falls off, Grandma needs “big people” to push, Rahb starts pulling people out of the crowd to push (”It’s tough organizing Indian labor!”) and while all this is going on, PODubya and Miss South Kellylina get to the temple first. Clue rip. Teams must now go to the Deora Krishi Farm, which is a location for festivals. Hmm…ferris wheels…petting zoo…funnel cakes? Eh…we’ll see.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh arrive at IndiaDisney first. Clue rip. Roadblock. In this Roadblock, teams have to race a camel cart twice around a marked track. This’ll be easy…camels are such friendly, easy-going animals. Ambuh and Miss South Kellylina do the racing, which is funny and look…more vibraty! More chaos as Grandma & Grandpa and The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive and can I just say…I can not stand listening to Grandma’s voice anymore. The pitch…the screeching…it gives me a really, really, really big headache.

I now want Joyce & Uchenna to win, because she had the girlballs to just pull that bandanna off her head and give in to the head-shaving. Uchenna…Hell, his head’s already bald so that’s no biggie but Joyce has all that long hair…I get antsy when I cut an inch off, I can’t imagine…but then again, I don’t have the skull structure to carry off a shaved head. Joyce does.

The scene that followed seriously made me cry…not because she was shaving her head but because Uchenna sat there with her and told her how beautiful she was and how beautiful she would be and how sorry he was. I mean, you could see his heart breaking. That, my friends…is love. Watch. Learn from this couple. But…look at her though, she’s stunning with a bald head! I think she looks better now…and it sort of fuels my E.T. analogy a little bit more.

Clue rip. Congrats…head to the next pit stop, Jaswant Thada…where they’ll meet up with Philo and The Man. Joyce gazes at her locks one final time before she spots a glimpse of herself in their taxi. She puts the bandanna back on around her head. Hee.

Meanwhile, Grandpa’s camel basically tells everyone to screw off and lies down. I would too if I had to listen to Grandma yelling at that high of a frequency. And again, Miss South Kellylina’s pageant training pays off as she is able to smile and sway the camel to do whatever she wants to put her and PODubya in second place.

For the love of God, Grandma…please…shut…up.

Race! Drive fast! Push! Hurry! Then, Grandma Girlname actually tells Grandpa to quit shouting. At her. The hell? They’re currently in last place but the Amazing Gods have finally seen fit to send The Fabulous Butch Boys to the wrong place, which isn’t the pit stop. Ha ha.

Uchenna continues to tell his wife she’s beautiful and wisely refrains from cue ball and Sinead O’Connor jokes. Rahb & Ambuh catch up with PODubya and Miss South Kellylina during an untimely gas station stop, which with the right music, would have been a great Benny Hill segment.

But…Uchenna and Joyce…you are team number one! Hugs! Congratulations! The ultimate sacrifice! Uchenna tries to get his wife to show Phil her newly shaved head, but she’s shy…or embarrassed…and declines. But…what the…no trip? Are you kidding me? I figured it was because they took the Fast Forward which in and of itself is a pretty sweet prize but come on…the woman shaved her head and didn’t complain. That’s at least worth a vintage Amazing Race Kodak EasyShare camera or something.

Team Survivor and Team Annoying are literally neck-in-neck as they race to the mat and although, from my camera angle Rahb was there first, Ambuh didn’t get there before PODubya and Miss South Kellylina so they wound up third. Hugs and high-fives.

Ron & Kelly…Rahb & Ambuh…you’re teams #2 and 3. And, PODubya uttered the Wisest Words Yet this season with, “It’s just the competitive nature of all of us. We’re willing to put our hands out and shake hands when we’re not racing, but when we’re racing, whoever’s on top is competition and we’re very, very, very competitive.” You’ve got two Survivor castaways, a beauty queen and an Army guy…yeah, that’s a pretty competitive group and I mean that in the least snarky of ways.

Philo and The Man point off toward the horizon for about the tenth time this segment (like you can’t see the teams running up on that barren terrain) and Grandma & Grandpa Girlname…sad music…you are team #4!

Guess what Grandma said? “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.” And with that, they are officially the oldest team to have ever made it this far on the show. Hugs.

Lenny and Squiggy…you’re the last team to arrive. Lynn says they had a terrific time, then they both wisely abort some sort of strip tease for Philo and The Man as they yap about the places they’ve been and the people they’ve seen. Lynn chokes back tears as he says, “I can’t imagine anything that would compare to the joy we’ve received from the people on this race and the people that we’ve met.”

Except…perhaps…your eye cream and skin cream.

Next week on The Amazing Race, Bahston Rahb picks on the blind and Miss South Kellylina says some really ignorant things about PODubya’s Army days. I can say that, now that I’m officially a Military Wife.

Happy happy, joy joy.

Bahston Rahb and Ambuh Of The Smokin’ Ass got married this past weekend, and will have their wedding televised on CBS Tuesday, May 24 with all of the pomp and circumstance generally reserved for cheesy television personalities.

Sigh. The UberHusband will be so crushed he’s going to miss that.

I think I still have those Foods Of The World cookbooks, if I was so motivated as to send a gift.

Wow. Two weeks in a row without watching The Amazing Race as it unfolds on CBS. We went out to dinner instead with one of the UberHusband’s colleagues who is in town for a few days. Had more fun doing that than watching the telly.

Don’t tell me who went home!!!!!

**7:06 a.m. Update** We turned on the show and fast-forwarded to the end to see who went home and saw that no one went home and Ambuh looked really distressed that she wasn’t at the Pit Stop. Then, Phil made a face that looked like the faces I’ve been seeing on a lot of people lately…befuddled and confused, bordering on constipated.

I then proceeded to inadvertently delete the episode because, well, I am in the habit of deleting shows at the end when I’m “done watching them”. Problem is, I was at the end, but I was not, in fact, done watching the show.

What transpired after that reminded me of the scene in Sex and The City where Miranda accidentally deletes an episode of Jules & Mimi off her TiVo and the world comes crashing down. She was able to get her show back…I was not as lucky.

GRRR. It’s been one of those weeks. I vow to have my ass firmly planted on the couch tonight to watch Lost.

See what happens when I leave the house? I swear, the ghost of PODubya is making me pay.

From TVGuide.com…

IT WAS INEVITABLE: Speaking of bad TV-show ideas, The Amazing Race’s most famous whackjobs, Jonathan Baker and Victoria Fuller, are shooting a reality pilot for VH1. The potential series will attempt to answer the age-old question, “What happens when the cameras stop rolling and reality-show contestants go back to living their lives?” In this case, I’m fairly certain the answer is, “More backpack beatings.”

And to think, I thought I was done writing the words “Jonathan Baker” after his evil twin was tossed off the show last week.

Previously on The Amazing Race…seven teams finally left South America and wound up in, ironically, South Africa, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh continued to make friends and influence local people on their Survivor “Please Probster, Don’t Hurt ‘Em” 2005 World Tour and we said goodbye to Jonathan BakerMay and December. No tears were shed. I didn’t even dance a jig when they were eliminated, that’s how little I cared about them.

Six teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

So, we’re at the halfway point of this season, which means that watching the opening credits is sort of like that spiritual journey the Final Four take on Survivor as they paddle down a river or run through a jungle, all the while gazing wistfully at the Torches Of Survivors Past. And, on The Amazing Race, much like Survivor, there’s always the first couple to go where you crinkle your nose and forehead and ask, “Who were they again?”

This is Botswana! Botswana is full of wild, exotic animals but sadly, is now one short due to the natural order of things and the planets realigning. The Matahari Pants, a giant salt pan reminiscent of the moon…was the pit stop for the last leg of the race.

You know, I was disappointed that the Amazing Producers and Editors ripped us off by not showing us at least sixty seconds of how this pit stop went. They’re outside…with cots. I don’t see bathrooms or food or anything like that, and I doubt our racers were licking the ground.

Anyhoo…PODubya & Miss South Kellylina depart first at 5:29 a.m., with an absolutely amazing sunrise coming up behind them. Let’s all pause for a moment and take in the majesty that is unpolluted nature.

Ah.

Clue rip. Teams must now drive to a water tower in Sankuyo Village, which is a long ways away. Couple hundred miles. Blech.

There’s a love chapter in the Bible? According to Miss South Kellylina there is, but for us mere mortals, you might know it as 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. She vows to be patient and kind and not rude this leg of the race. To compliment this nice sentiment, PODubya admits he hasn’t thought about their relationship all that much because well, there just isn’t any time. Dude…what do you do during these 12-hour pit stops? So basically, here’s how these two seem to operate: Miss South Kellylina is frustrated, but says nothing. Because she says nothing, PODubya assumes all is OK. She sits there and plots.

Alrighty…Bahston Rahb & Ambuh depart second and head off to the wahtah towah. Again…some folks think they’re annoying and that Rahb’s an arrogant ass but hey…these two are basically working on their own and making do and actually thriving. They’re having a good time and as far as I’m concerned, if they can keep the other teams from poking at their love bubble too much, they’ll be A-OK. Plus, more vibraty en route to the wahtah towah is always a good thing.

Joyce & Uchenna are still plugging along and depart third, with talk of native Nigerian fathers and putting your feet on ancestors or something to that effect. I wouldn’t mind putting my feet on Prince Charles…but I digress…

The Fabulous Butch Boys, whom I now despise, depart fourth. They claim to be good, honest players who are “just sneaky” and don’t bicker. The hell? Yes they do…they bickered that whole challenge last week trying to grind corn. I must say though, that in his hat and plaid shirt, Lynn almost looks…how do I put this…straight? No, that’s not it…normal? No…not PC enough…like a guy I knew in college? Yeah, yeah, that’s it!

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname, along with their gift bag, leave fifth and…I don’t see a scratch on Grandma anywhere, which gives some validity to Rahb’s comment last week that her “accident” was a ruse just for show. Grandma says it’s a beautiful day, and great to be alive…which I have a feeling she says every morning.

Big bucks big bucks no whammies…rip! Dull and Duller depart last. They’d love to take out Grandma & Grandpa Girlname today. Way to aim high, boys. Don’t go for Team Survivor, lower your game and try to eliminate the geriatric demographic. Whatever you do, don’t flip your car. You’re almost out of replacement cameramen.

Now, I’m recapping this show as I watch it this week and I just have to say…Miss South Kellylina, don’t bait PODubya with seemingly inocuous comments like, “Have I gotten on your nerves alot?”