There’s this running joke in the Snarkwife/UberHusband household…that Capt. UberHusband runs for the hills (or rather, the airport) every time the season finale of The Bachelor is upon us. Seriously. The guy is never here for the finales. I remember sitting in our bedroom (in our old bed, watching our old TV) back in the Aaron Buerge days when I squealed and was all excited he had chosen Helene.

Last night, no different…although to CU’s credit, he did talk to me during the last episode, but even I couldn’t handle it after Matt called Shayne “Monkey” for the eighty bajillionth time. Ick.

Now, I get the concept of cute couples and pet names (mine includes the word “bear”), but when the bearer of said pet name wraps her legs and body around her beloved every ten minutes like a four-year old in need of a nap…I get a serious case of the Icks.

Not meaning to go all Grumpy Old Married Woman on ya’ll, but I was in love when I was 22. In fact, I had been dating the guy for three years…so I think I probably had a better gauge on the long-term viability of the relationship than Shayne does. We had even done all those non-Bachelor activities the producers try to avoid during filming…like grocery shopping, laundry, and unwrapping your legs from around each other.

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So, it’s Earth Day…and I plan on celebrating by filling up my Jeep Grand Cherokee’s 20-gallon gas tank for $65. Ah…it sounds gas-guzzly, but when you factor in the fact that I only fill ‘er up once every three weeks, all of a sudden I’m an conservation goddess!

So. How about those folks over on Dancing With the Stars? My mom called me a couple of weeks ago and said, “So what do you think of the season?” My answer then…as it remains now, is “Eh.” I had that same silly smile on my face during the season premiere that I’ve had every season but once Steve Guttenberg went away and Adam Carrolla unicycled off the show, I’ve felt…surprisingly little.

This isn’t to say I’m hating the show now, or that no one is entertaining me. Jason Taylor has definitely grown on me, and it is great fun watching him and Edyta dance together. Physically, they’re so compatible. Same for Derek and Shannon. But. Shannon isn’t that great of a dancer. She tries really hard, and you can’t help but notice the growing affection between the two (Can you imagine some of those other couples “platonically” tumbling onto each other on the beach at sunset? Mmm hmm.)…but she’s just not all that good.

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The Bachelor never ceases to amaze me, you know? This season reminded me of the Bob Guiney year, during which he was ABC’s It Guy (as opposed to ABC’s IT guy, who fixes your computer) - a moniker imposed on him because he was the fat, funny bachelor to Trista’s bachelorette and isn’t that fresh and new and different? Oh wait, that’s not why…this season reminded me of him because it reminded me, and forgive me single men in their 30s…but there’s a reason men that age aren’t married, and it generally has little to do with the availability of appropriate women.

As a long-time viewer of The Bachelor franchise, I get by this point that the show is less of a dating game and more of a sad social experiment. We all know the ladies are provided gallons and gallons of alcohol, and the bachelors are probably encouraged to hook up with as many of the ladies as possible. The bachelors do this, because that’s how you find your “soul mate” - by systematically making out with the ladies in descending order of hotness until they find one who can not only make their loins burn, but who also has a portable career which allows her to relocate to wherever the bachelors live.

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So last night, I’m watching Dancing With the Stars and thinking to myself…Donny Osmond has turned into such an ass! Dude, we get the DWTS folks didn’t ask you to be on the show…we get that you’re milking your guest-host spots on Entertainment Tonight for all they’re worth (”Coming up next…I give you classified behind-the-scenes news! My sister has a lot of kids!”) and we get you’re a camera hog who can’t let his sister actually enjoy the spotlight.

Kind of makes you think he’s trying to fill seats for the “Osmonds! Live! No! Really! ‘08! Tour!” Going forward, just stay seated and try not to alienate any of the stars of Carpoolers who may be seated near you.

Clearly, there’s a writer’s strike going on, as now even Samantha Harris is writing her own jokes! “I know this is the point in the show where no one is listening to what I say…” Indeed! Now, I’m not a member of any Writer’s Guilds, but here’s what I would have had Bruno say had I been writing his lines last night:

• On Mel & Maksim’s paso doble: “Free your mind, and I will definitely follow!”
• On Jane & Tony’s quick step: “Walk the line? You CROSSED the line and showed us how to CASH in on your talents!
• On Jennie & Derek’s rhumba: “Jennie, if Valerie Malone could see you now!”

I thought the whole “Pawlidarity for Sabrina” campaign was a little odd - while sweet, if she hadn’t gone home, one of them would have. It’s easy to sport a paw on your pec when you’re still standing on the stage. Like I said, I will support the pawlidarity until the results from tonight’s show, then will switch themes…because by then Sabrina will be twice-removed and no one will care anymore.

As an aside…Sabrina and Mark are dating…this has been confirmed! OMG! I LOVE HIM! He’s my SOULMATE!

Just a little commentary on The Bachelor last night, as well…do you all remember…back in the day, when there was a chance the bachelorettes might decline the Fantasy Suite invitation, or at least hesitate a bit because, well, you don’t know where the bachelor’s junk has been in the last couple of days? No more…oh no, this is a new generation of women who won’t even read the card they want to bed the man so quickly. Eh, like any of these relationships are going to last.

Boo Hoo … Another Bachelor Bust-Up - TMZ.com

Capt. UberHusband summed up last night’s episode of The Bachelor with one sentence, in faux-response to Nanny McMallory’s request that Bachelor Brad take off his pants and come take a dip in her swimming pool of love:

I’d take off my pants, but then you’d see that I have no penis.

Yeah, I know the show is formulaic, but in it’s 123rd season I still find it terribly quaint that deluded men and women still think they can “find their soul mate (soulmate? soul-mate?)” in a Malibu mansion, surrounded by two dozen other women and a permanently open bar.

Hey, did you hear Andy & Tessa broke up?

This week on The Bachelor: 911!, our bevy of bachelorettes is subjected to Bloody Mary Boot Camp (Wait! We can’t start until I put on my mascara and moisturize my legs!), then sexy group dates involving mud wrestling, auto racing (or “driving lessons”, depending on who you are) and, in probably the meanest date idea ever, Andy takes Peyton and Tessa on a guided tour of the USS Mojito and then has to leave one behind…literally!

After Andy snuggles up to both of them and Peyton pours her heart out to him while Tessa looks at him sideways-y the whole conversation…LT Andy decides he has more of a connection with Tessa…so he gives Tessa the rose. Huh? Then, they just leave Peyton standing there on the tarmac, surrounded by airplanes, with nothing except a random blanket to keep her warm…as LT Andy and Tessa fly back to The House in a helicopter while she’s stuck waiting for the next Greyhound back. Whatever. Just sad.

Speaking of sad, the winner of the Excedrin “Power Through and GO” Rose last night was Bevin, who injured her previously-injured ankle while being harangued by the guy who taught Milhouse and Bart to play “BOMBARDMENT!” on The Simpsons. Cue ambulance siren. LT Andy arrives on the scene, SGT McYell asks…snicker…if he’s the medic and LT Andy…replies…snicker…”No, I’m a doctor.” Seriously.

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I’ve decided my new Favorite Thing To Do is watch The Bachelor: Incoming! with Capt. UberHusband. He is, without a doubt, the funniest person I know…as I can always count on him to say things like this:

While bachelorettes are wandering around in bikinis, drinking mimosas: “Take off your tops. I want to give you physicals.”

When Stephanie from South Carolina arrived at the yacht for her one-on-one date: “Wait until she finds out that isn’t really his boat.”

In reaction to some chick’s comment about how every guy wants to date a virgin: “No they don’t. No guy wants to date a virgin.”

During the Rose Ceremony’s meet-n-greet: “What on Earth is LT Andy drinking?” Oh wait…maybe that was me.

We did come up with a couple of new “twists” for next season. In the second episode, the Bachelor gets to give one bachelorette a special rose…a non-red rose. We’ll call it…the Fast Forward Rose.

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The last couple of weeks of promos for The Bachelor: Officer Island have driven CU and me absolutely bezerkeroo. “He’s a soldier! He’s a surgeon!”

No, he’s not! He’s a sailor, not a soldier! Cripes, ABC. We’ve been involved in the war on terror for several years now…time to acquaint yourself with intrinsic differences between the Army and Navy.

This season’s bachelor, LT Andy Baldwin, grew up in Amishland, went to Duke…had the choice (?) between becoming a SEAL and going to medical school…so he went to med school. Now, he’s “an undersea medical officer for a special operations dive unit stationed in Pearl Harbor.”

He loves children, has a heart of gold and…even does the Ironman triathalon thing. And, today’s his 30th birthday! On paper, he sounds amazing. But, does he have the mettle to go up against the biggest threat to our nation’s security…25 desperate women?

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I love Monday nights. First I get to watch the train wrecks on Nanny 911 and then I get to watch the train wrecks on SuperNanny.

Do I enjoy these shows because I like watching families in turmoil? Well, yes and no. I don’t like to see people in pain but…but…I do enjoy watching people try to squirm their way out of admitting that their pain is all self-inflicted. Most of the time, if your kids are brats or have psychotic meltdowns when they go to bed, it’s likely caused by something you’ve done. That shouldn’t be news to anyone. And again, if you’re going to go on television and air your family’s dirty laundry, expect to be judged.

What was so great about both of last night’s episodes is that both nannies basically called Mom & Dad out. It’s not like Nanny Stella and Nanny Jo lurk and troll around suburban neighborhoods looking for hosed-up families to fix. I’m sure they have better uses for their time. These people write in to the show begging and pleading for help.

Ask and ye shall receive…unless you don’t like what your assigned nanny is saying…then Mom and Dad pull out that tired, old “YOU don’t understand our family dynamics” or “YOU don’t understand my child.”

Both Jo and Stella basically told the parents last night that if they thought they could do a better job, then just freaking DO IT already! Don’t whine to television producers that you can’t handle your kids or your life or whatever, then whine when someone recommends that you step out of your comfort zone for one night and see if the results are a little more to your liking.

No wonder the kids all whine…the parents do it, too. My mom didn’t whine and consequently, neither did I. Well, I did but when I did it came to an abrupt stop.

Favorite scene…when Youngest Kiddo locked Mom and Nanny Jo out of the house last night on SuperNanny. That’s what happens when you piss off a 4-year old…you get put in the Naughty Yard.

Plus, I always get a kick out of how The Bachelor is wedged in between nanny shows. It’s like they’re trying to tell all of the women out there looking for that “amazing connection” what the logical next step is. Can I just point out that the only girl I really liked, Sarah, the labor and delivery nurse from McKinney, TX is in the final two? Yes, my crystal ball and I are available for birthday parties and corporate functions.

After weeks (okay, minutes) of trying to figure out who The Other Sarah reminded me of, it finally dawned on me…Olinda from The Next Joe Millionaire. Same narcissistic attitude, same stringy blonde hair.

Oh Lord…I just divulged that I watched The Bachelor last night, didn’t I?

Let me say this upfront…I did not watch The Bachelor last night. I watched the first 25 minutes, which isn’t even 25% of the show, so for all intents and purposes, I didn’t watch it…keeping my vow to not watch this silly excuse for televised drivel anymore.

However…

I was impressed that ABC managed to scrape the bottom of the barrel for the folks it was able to con into going on the show. J-list actor Charlie O’Connell? Are you kidding me? There were only two women I liked (one of them being a labor & delivery nurse who lives up the highway from me) and I was hoping and praying the whole time that Chucky would send them home so they could find real men who don’t look like they’re half a nose twitch away from snorting while they laugh.

For the first time in my many seasons of Bachelor watching, I finally caught on to the secret of the show:

Lap Dance = Rose

It’s as simple as that. I can’t believe I didn’t catch on to that when Heather From Texas was in the hot tub with Aaron Buerge a million years ago. Maybe I was unwilling to relinquish the faith that ultimately, women have dignity and respect for themselves.

I kept hoping Febreze would show up for his two minutes to make a first impression with Chucky…no luck. Oh well.

Yep.

I had a feeling the Jeniminator wouldn’t accept a marriage proposal on The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience from the very first episode but, even for those who think she was an idiot for turning down Jerry, aren’t you glad she said “No” now instead of nine months down the road?

Sure, now People and Entertainment Weekly can’t do the flowers and hugs feature story on how Jen finally found love after Andrew and the subsequently catty and mean story when they eventually break up but…oh well.

I wanted to smack her friends who kept saying that Jen should “take a chance.” Bull. Maybe when you’re 18 or 21 you can be impetuous and risky and throw caution to the wind when it comes to marriage but when you’re 29, you need to make an intelligent, informed decision or you’ll be divorced in six months. Take it from Auntie Snarky.

Plus…guys…don’t pick the “delicate” ring. Ladies, don’t pick the “delicate” ring. I cringed when I saw the engagement ring Jen (and Dope John Paul) fawned over because all I could think of was that 2.5 carat diamond flying through the air if Jen tripped and wound up skidding across the sidewalk because the thin band couldn’t handle the force of the impact. As it was, my rather sturdy platinum bands took a beating.

{{shudder}}

I’m guessing the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is on it’s way out. If you can’t find love for Jen Schefft, America’s sweetheart (Trista’s married, so she can’t be it anymore)…you might as well just pack it in and start showing episodes of Boss Swap.

Oh wait. ABC’s doing that next week.

So I’m watching The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience: The Rejected Men Tell All last night, and I was wondering…why on Earth did they invite Andrew Firestone back? Why? WHY?

That had to be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. What did the producers expect, that Andrew would leap up into the air and shout, “I LOVE…THIS…WOMAN!” and effectively try to undo what has happened over the past two years? What Andrew thinks is really a moot point…or is it? His interview was just absurd. He talked too fast, got way too wound up (even by Snarky’s standards) and seemed…dare I utter the word…defensive.

My favorite part? The highly rehearsed “questions from the audience” which included some gems like, “If Jen wanted to get back together, would you?” Yes. In a second. I’d whisk her back to the vineyard where I would expect her to be barefoot and pregnant nine months out of the year because, well, I was upfront with all of the women as to what the life would be like.

In another moronic “twist” this season, apparently, the Jenster turned down one proposal and the other poor schmuck is still waiting for an answer to his. We’ll hear the answer next week on the After the Rose special. Guess that sort of solves the whole “How do we cope with being away from each other for three months” ooey-gooey romantic angst that generally follows the final episode of each Bachelor/Bachelorette season.

And, Febreze kept himself in the closet but boy, did those other bachelors get catty and snarly. Easy there, ladies.

Former The Bachelorette bachelorette Meredith and Ian have broken up.

Apparently failing to realize that not only has the public’s interest in The Bachelor franchise waned significantly, but that the bland twosome were never exactly a Brad and Jen power couple, Meredith and Ian are also reportedly asking the media and fans to allow them to “move forward with their lives.”

Now that Febreze has decided he doesn’t want to marry Jen, that leaves him free to get lost in the wonder of Meredith’s cowl-necked sweaters. That’s all these wacky kids do, right? Keep showing up on derivative versions of the same reality show?

You know the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is continuing it’s downward spiral when it starts blatantly ripping off elements of far superior reality shows.

We’re down to the final six on The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience. I guess I can deal with the whole love letter-writing campaign, although most married women will tell you that she didn’t decide to accept her husband’s proposal because he had a way with prose.

Anyhoo, the men who tickled Jen’s verbal fancy were Ryan (whom I like) and Jerry (whom I don’t) and they got to go on Exciting! Romantic! Dates! with Jen. Ryan’s date consisted of a ride on a fire truck and then takeout food by candlelight. How very Carrie Bradshaw. Jerry’s date consisted of dinner with musical accompaniment by Faux Harry Connick, Jr. Then, in the most shocking date conversation ever…gasp…Jerry had the nerve, nay, the good sense…to basically ask Jen if she was there for the right reasons. Ha.

Now, I’m not Jerry’s biggest fan, but we spend all of these weeks listening to Jen wax poetic about her potential suitors being there for the right reasons. Let’s exercise some of that equal time thing! If I’m going to compete with a gaggle of other men, I want to know that she is here for the right reasons and doesn’t just want to avenge the Firestone Prophecy.

Although initially irritated by this line of questioning, just a few short minutes later Jen was dancing and making out with Jerry next to a glistening pool…whatever. The one funny thing about this is, before Jerry showed up at Jen’s sexy loft, she was saying that if the writer was who she thought it was, she had a bit of a crush on him and could see where things went. Since she never said anything about it again, I’m guessing Jerry wasn’t the crush.

The group date consisted of eating pizza in Little Italy. Oh boy. Where do I sign up. Kermit tried desperately to make up for lost time but buddy, there just ain’t no connection. You can’t force one just because your clock is ticking. After yet another awkward conversation with Febreze, Chris Harrison shows up (unannounced!) and tells the Jenster to hop into a limo and go to the Empire State Building, because he needs to talk to the boys.

And with that, we begin The Amazing Bachelorette Race! Six bachelors remain. Who will be eliminated…next?

Roadblock!

A Roadblock is a task that only four bachelors can perform. In this Roadblock, bachelors must give up their wallets, cash and dignity and find their way to this urban structure, the Empire State Building. Once there, bachelors must have their hopes dashed as they realize the elevators won’t take them anywhere and they must defer to the Almighty Staircase. Once at the top, they must find the yellow and red route marker bouquet of red roses, and Jen will give them the clue they’ve been lacking. And, they’ll get the final one-on-one date.

The last one to arrive may be Jeniminated.

This scene was just funny. Three of the guys were running around trying to get to the Empire State Building, begging cab drivers and saying, “We’re in a race! Drive fast! I’m competing against three other guys!” When Jonathan Baker divorces the V-Chip, I want him to come on The Bachelorette so we can see brute force idiocy in it’s purest form.

Cut to Febreze strolling through the nippy autumn New York streets, then cut to Febreze saying that rather than competing with the three other guys, he’s going to just go home. You know Monsieur Le Pew, if you walk about 3,000 blocks the other direction you’ll get to JFK and you can just fly home.

Wendell (yay!) makes it to the top of the Empire State Building and greets the Jeniminator, who declares that he’s the first bachelor to arrive. The good news is, as the winner of this Roadblock, Wendell has won a romantic vacation to…the gift shop at the top of the Empire State Building, where he will sip champagne with Jen and stare at a yummy-looking cake that will probably go uneaten.

Ben and John Paul (can’t say his name without thinking of the guy from American Idol last season) arrive at the top of the Empire State Building, tired, breathless…with their egos shattered. Did the elevators at least take them back down to the lobby? Sure hope so.

In the least dramatic rose ceremony ever, Febreze SHOCKS AMERICA by admitting not to being gay, but to not wanting to marry Jen. Nothing shocking about that, pal. We all knew that. He leaves, then Jen makes the dumbest decision ever by keeping lip-deficient John Paul and unloading Kermie.

Next week, the Jeniminator visits the families of the four remaining bachelors. Good times.

Now that I’m hooked on The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience, I can cackle that Wendell made it through to the third round, as did Febreze, who did his little Pepe Le Pew dance as he floated up to receive his rose from the Jenster.

Yes, I’ve read the speculation that Febreze is a gay Parisian who’s trying to launch a career in the states. But honestly, who isn’t anymore?

She also unloaded the Token Non-White Guy last night and Psycho Stalker Stu in the second round, which I believe is a first for the Bachelor(ette) franchise…getting rid of the guaranteed drama king so early on.

I gotta tell you…the one thing that I like about this season is that Jen (or the producers) are being very upfront with us. She’s not talking about any amazing connections or soul mates or any of that other puppies-and-rainbows dating propaganda we usually hear. Instead, she’s being honest about how a lot of the guys are just too damn forward and how they’re expressing feelings you shouldn’t be expressing after only a few days. No kidding.

You can just hear these guys’ biological clocks ticking, which isn’t normal. I asked the UberHusband why all the guys were sitting around, knocking back Corona beers and talking about their feelings and who should get a rose. “Because the producers probably told them to,” was his response. “They’ve been chickified,” he continued.

I predict Wendell will be the Last Bachelor Standing. I read the spoilers, but I tagged the W-Man last week, too.

Once I kind of got over the whole well-Toto-we’re-not-in-Malibu-anymore thing on last night’s premiere of The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience, I got on board with the show. Chris “Why doesn’t anyone ever give me a rose?” Harrison played doorman, asked entirely too many questions about Andrew Firestone and Jen’s relationship with him and then turned Jen and her gal pals (impersonating waitresses so they could get inside dirt on the men…ha!) loose on 25 “bachelors who may or may not be there for the right reasons.”

Two of the guys this season are virgins, so I’m betting that at least in their opinions, they’re definitely there for the right reasons…and one of them went on to the next round.

As with all previous seasons, you can tell why some of these dorks are still bachelors:

David, 30, Marketing Consultant from Chicago: He’s in Marketing, so he has to know how to sell himself (his words), he works out a lot (his words again) and he wears tight clothes. Sigh. Still his words. Marketing Mark must have had tight clothes on because during the Rose Ceremony, he passed out and collapsed. Nice. You never get a second chance to make a third impression. Buh-bye.

Chris C., 27, Hair Stylist from Campton, Kentucky: Once I acknowledged that he’s probably the only guy with the Jon Bon Jovi haircut in Campton and he probably gave it to himself because Joe Bob down at the barber shop didn’t know how to do them fancy haircuts, he started drinking. He never stopped. There’s nothing worse than a redneck who is a mouthy, sloppy drunk; except perhaps for…

Requisite Creepy “Stalker” Stu, 27, Attorney from New York City: He watched the entire season of The Bachelor with Andrew Firestone (a red flag in and of itself, unless he had a girlfriend at the time who made him watch it) and has basically fawned over the Jenster ever since…or so the producers would have you believe. We need a psycho every season, and Stu is this season’s target. As long as he doesn’t try to make out with our bachelorette on the first group date, we should be okay for at least a couple of episodes.

Fabrice, 28, Real Estate Investor from Paris, France: “Jenneeeeee…deeeeed you see zat epeeesode of Sex and Zee City when Carrie was in Pareee? Oui! Fabrice would never do zat to vous!” I made that quote up, but even if I hadn’t, don’t date or even think about marrying a guy whose name sounds alarmingly like a fabric deodorizer.

On the flip side, here are the guys I did like…

Wendell, 32, Entrepreneur from Chicago: Sure, he kind of looks like a dork but he’s nice, he’s friendly, he seems considerate and you probably wouldn’t create short children with him. Plus, he’s local for Jen.

Michael, 31, Teacher from Monroe, Michigan: This guy was just nice…plus, gifts…gifts are always good. I missed part of their conversation about that but got the impression that his dad was her dad’s big brother at a fraternity or something? Now, that would be karma…not to mention a great story for the kiddos in a decade or so.

Everyone seems to be fawning over Art Gallery Director Jerry (29, from La-La Land), but although he’s cute, there wasn’t anything else about him that really stood out for me.

Ryan, 28, Teacher from Manhattan Beach, California: How can you not like a guy who’s a middle school teacher? Aside from not necessarily wanting another Ryan to win our fair maiden, he’s cute. And nice. And…he got our Jen to confess that her ideal man doesn’t have to have a family background in tires or wine to melt her heart.

Both guys named Andrew and Andy are out for obvious reasons, Ben skates by because, although he’s from Aspen (been there, done that) he has a charming Clay Aiken meets Kermit the Frog aura about him. That can’t be a bad thing.

I’ve always loved the montages of “This season on…The Bachelorette…” because they hint at Dating! Drama! that quite often, isn’t as dramatic as we’re initially lead to believe. After watching it though, I’m kind of preparing myself for a Brandon-Kelly-Dylan confrontation of “I choose ME” with Jen walking away from all the losers who aren’t worthy of her love or anything beyond the six weeks ABC has allotted them.

Should be fun. I’m on board.

A little tip for all the single ladies out there…don’t ever wear your Tina Fey glasses with an evening gown on a first date with 2 guys and 24 other women…unless of course, you’re Tina Fey. Or perhaps, my avatar up in the left corner of the page. Seriously. That’s just dating suicide, IMO. Either spring for the LASIK (which I’m sure you want anyway) or get thyself to fair optometrist to procure a wee set of disposable contacts. Or, did the Bachelor producers steer you in the wrong direction and tell you the specs made you look…um…intellectual?Now, I speak from the experience of a 30-something woman who managed to make it out of her 20s without going on a single reality dating show. I admit to having done the online dating thing (that’s how I met uber-husband), but I’ve never really thought any man was worth competing with 24 other women. No offense intended it’s just, well, there are lots of fish in the sea and not all of them are married, gay or otherwise unappealing. I’m so glad they didn’t pick the guy whose last name sounds alarmingly like overbite. This is good, because then I would have had to make all sorts of TMJ jokes the entire season.

In case you’ve never seen the show before, here are some quotable quotes, spoken by the Frisky Fisherman and his lovely mermaids:

And…my personal favorite…

Gag. Cough. Hack. Blech. Nothing makes a 40-year old man hotter than hearing a woman he’s just met force him to have a impromptu group date with her and her biological clock. Tick, tick, tick.

I swore I would not let The Almighty Bachelor franchise entice me in for another disappointing season. At some point, I can’t blame ABC for subjecting me to the show when no one is holding a gun to my head. Regardless, after a solid hour and a half of the world’s most boring episodes of Law & Order (Dennis…dude, you’re boring! Bring back Lenny!) I needed to cleanse my palate and switched over. By the time I got to the show, they’d already evicted the Jovial Jay, which left us with Frisky Fisherman Byron. I’m not impressed. On a scale of Bob to Andrew, I’d have to give Byron a solid Aaron in terms of irritating eye-rollability.

The 10-minute montage of “Coming up this season on…The Bachelor” was absolutely unbearable. Silly string? What are you guys, nine? Frisky Fisherman also moves into the Mermaids’ Villa, providing fodder for lots of hookups, lots of drama and lots of marginally attractive women clawing at each other for a man whose actual marriageability is in question just by him being on the show in the first place.

0-for-5, kids. 0-for-5.

Zap2it - TV news - Something’s Fishy - A New Bachelor Offers Big Twists

Hey…did you hear that? That creaking sound? Wait a sec…there…there it was again! Is it just me or is the door about to close on the entire Bachelor franchise?

Let’s see how many shows ABC has ripped off with these “fresh” changes:

1. The ladies choose between two Bachelors to be the Bachelor. For Love or Money 4. Check.
2. Lame musical “guest star” appearance. Big Brother 3. Check.
3. The chosen Bachelor will immediately eliminate 10 of the ladies. Joe Schmo 2. Check.
4. Both potential Bachelors are 40 years old. Who Wants To Marry My Dad? Check.
5. Two “all-star” Bachelorettes will be coming back for another shot at love. Pick your poison on this one…what show hasn’t had a “familiar face” reappear to boost ratings? Survivor, For Love or Money, Average Joe and Last Comic Standing. Check.
6. The Bachelor will move into the Ladies’ Villa instead of staying at the Comfort Inn over on La Cienega Boulevard for “more intimacy.” I have to admit, that’s a new one but I don’t think it would really count as “fresh” since a hundred shows have already tossed men and women into the same house to establish “more intimacy.”

I just can’t keep up with the changes anymore…this show is getting so schlocky but I suppose like everything “reality,” The Bachelor was bound to get old and crusty. I just didn’t think their bachelors would get old and crusty, too.